Is this FWB or more?

[Bella1988]

I just started "seeing" this guy from work about 4 months ago. I'll admit, we slept together too soon, but I just got out of a relationship and figured a little fun would be harmless. I didn't really have a plan or know what I wanted with him, I just went with what felt right at the time and wasn't really thinking about the consequences.

 

After hanging out for a couple months naturally I got curious about where we were going and how he felt about me, because we had been seeing each other 2-3 times a week at this point. When I asked him about it he was honest and upfront with me and said he just got out of a long relationship and wasn't looking to be in one at this time in his life, but he liked having me around a lot, with or without sex. At first I was pretty upset about this and backed off, but very shortly after ended up hanging out with him again because I really liked him and decided it wasn't worth losing what we had.

 

Ive been finding out lately that a lot of the girls at work like him and he's kind of known for sleeping with a good amount of the girls that have worked there. A new young, somewhat attractive girl just got hired the other day and one of my co-workers even commented "Oh look, another girl for him to f*ck", not knowing him and I have been involved for awhile. This, obviously, is a huge red flag to me and part of the reason I keep trying to detach myself from him. He definitely is a flirt and could probably get almost any girl he wants because he actually does have game, and it doesn't hurt that he's cute either... but as dumb and childish as it sounds, this makes me want him even more. :/ And it still doesn't change how much I like being with him.

 

My last attempt to leave him was a little over a week ago when one of my co-workers, who happens to live downstairs from him, kept going on and on about how many girls are always at his apartment because he has parties there all the time, and how he even flirts with his neighbor who is 6 years older than him and has a baby. In the back of my mind I kind of assumed he did this since he doesn't want a relationship, but actually hearing it just pushed me over the edge. I didn't confront him about it, just decided to ignore him until it gradually faded out. At work a few days later after already turning him down twice to hang out, he texted me saying he needed a kiss. I was a little angry and really wanted him to get the point this time, so I lied and told him it wasn't a good idea because I was seeing someone. He got pretty upset and I felt bad after that, so I decided he deserved a real explanation and I confronted him about what i'd been hearing from other co-workers.

 

He said he didn't care what they said, none of it was true and I'm the only person he's been sleeping with. He also mentioned the neighbor downstairs that he hangs out with and supposedly flirts with all the time would do anything to sleep with him, but it would never happen. He said it wouldn't work if I decided to see other people while being involved with him because he doesn't like to share, even though we aren't dating according to him. He then ended it with saying he likes to really get to know someone before starting a relationship, and still wasn't ready for one yet because he needs to get his life together and likes to be 100% committed when he's in one. What I got from this is he doesn't want to label it a relationship or call it dating because he just likes seeing me every once in awhile (we see each other maybe once or twice a week now) and doesn't have time/isn't in the right mindset to be in a full blown relationship right now. This is fine with me, the only thing I don't want is him sleeping with several girls while he's also sleeping with me. Though all odds seem to be against it, him telling me he wasn't hooking up with anyone else was enough to convince me to keep seeing him. I think unfortunately I went with it more because it was what I wanted to hear, not because I truly believed it.. and I'm still not sure that I do.

 

When I'm not with him and think about things I feel really down about it and disappointed in myself to let it keep happening, but then everytime I see him again I have such a good time that I forget about all the doubts I've been having. And though I know he enjoys sleeping with me (he's made it very clear on more than one occasion), I feel like he really does genuinely like me because he always says things like " I love you" or" I really like when you're around" not in a romantic way, but just as an expression of how much he likes being around me. And says he misses me when I'm not around and wishes I'd come by more often, ect.

 

So I guess my questions are 1) would you call this friends with benefits since he refuses to put the label of dating/relationship on it, or is it more than that because he actually likes spending time with me and claims he doesn't have sex with anyone else? 2) is this worth continuing, or should I just stop this now all together before I get really hurt? and 3) Do you think he'll ever want to be in a relationship with me or is he just leading me on?

 

I realize from what I've said about him most people would probably think I'm stupid for even considering to continue spending time with him, but I really can't stop because he's honestly just an awesome person to be around... his personality, looks, and the good sexual chemistry we have has really got me hooked :/

Edited March 14, 2011 by Bella1988

[SoleMate]

It's definitely not "more" than FWB.

 

It may not even be FWB. I think you have to be actual friends first to enter into FWB. I mean that in the literal sense of friends who have a connection of history and affection....not just random acquaintances/coworkers.

 

What I think you have going is a fling between a savvy player and young lady who is hopeful to the point of near-delusion.

 

...the good sexual chemistry we have has really got me hooked...

That's good, because sex is the one thing you will find he is most reliable at providing.

 

...I feel like he really does genuinely like me because he always says things like " I love you" or" I really like when you're around" not in a romantic way, but just as an expression of how much he likes being around me. And says he misses me when I'm not around and wishes I'd come by more often...

When you generously and selflessly provide the sex he enjoys, while avoiding making awkward demands like fidelity or even his acknowledgment of the connection you share, he will have warm feelings towards you and the benefits you provide. I'm not saying that's NOTHING...I'm just saying it is much less than what a good man/woman relationship can be.

 

...He said it wouldn't work if I decided to see other people while being involved with him because he doesn't like to share, even though we aren't dating according to him. He then ended it with saying he likes to really get to know someone before starting a relationship, and still wasn't ready for one yet because he needs to get his life together and likes to be 100% committed when he's in one....

Ha ha, good one! You have to be faithful, he doesn't, I see. And he's NOT ready for a r/s, but is only ready for sex at his convenience.

 

The really good side of this fellow is that he's been 85+% honest with you. HE doesn't claim to be your faithful, loving boyfriend.....any such dialogue has occurred in YOUR head, only. He has been reasonably clear about the terms he wants to impose, and is imposing, on you.

 

Last point...since you are coworkers, when this all goes south, be prepared to find a new job, or steel yourself for some extended anguish.

Edited March 14, 2011 by SoleMate
coworker

[jane100]

phew ... Solemate lays it on the line ... but it sounds about right doesn't it?

 

however, we all know its easier said than done, so a compromise/damage limitation might be: -

 

if you are feeling used - is to back off. see if he pursues you and see if he means it. i think its important for your dignity. if he is interested he will pursue you and make a genuine effort, and if you will have your answer. Even if it doesn't sound too hopeful in Solemate's synopsis you probably need to find out for yourself one way or the other. basically drop him and see what happens ! if you go off the radar you can simultaneously find out if he misses/wants you and also keep your dignity. Result. Of course, this is only the beginning and early stages so even if he does positively show his interest (and he may not beyond sex) you will still have to see how things go.

 

in the meantime, you can really think about dating other guys, enjoying yourself and doing some enjoyable/interesting things with your life. to me it sounds awful that you are hanging around wondering where its all going, life's too short! let him do that !

Edited March 14, 2011 by jane100

[musemaj11]

Do you want advice or are you just twittering?

 

Im pretty sure you already know the answer since its pretty obvious. I guess you just want an ear to listen to your problem.

[mitchell]

How is the sex? That's basically all you are getting out of the relationship, so I hope the sex is really good. Is he a selfish lover, or does he make sure to get you off?

 

He's being up front with you, so at least you know what you are getting.

[angielove]

It seems like there are only two options:

 

1) Get out now. You'll be upset and you will miss out on future experiences with him. BUT you will save yourself the pain when you get even more involved and then he lets you down (which he will - I know this situation all too well).

 

2) Stay in this situation. You'll have fun, you'll get to spend time with someone you really like, and you'll have good sex. But when he lets you down, you are going to be a huge mess (again, I know this situation well).

 

Somehow, I always choose option number 2. It's not good for long term mental health, but excellent for short term enjoyment.

 

I hope you make the right choice

[MissGoLightly]

SoleMate and musemaj11 pretty much summed it up.

[Ruby Slippers]

This is nothing but FWB. I doubt it will ever become more, because if he liked you that much, he wouldn't want to risk losing you by "taking it slow".

 

If you can enjoy the sex and fun only, great, live it up. If not, I'd enjoy another fun romp or two, then move on.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I respectfully disagree with the crowd. this is more than FWB.

 

I'll tell you something, I got out of a long term relationship of 8 years (3 of which were marriage) and it was tough leaving her. I did though. guys defend their emotions too. just because you don't have a title doesn't dismiss what you are to him.

 

I too have regular parties, flirt with practically all my female friends and aquantences and have had sex with more than one of my coworkers, but you know what, the girl I'm with right now IS my girlfriend, even though she doesn't formally have that title.

 

like you two, we see each other a few times a week, I love having her around (whether there's sex involved or not), she likes being around me too, and contrary to what dumb bitches who don't really know me say, I am not seeing/sleeping with anyone else right now - nor do I want to.

 

you should take this guy at his word if you've determined that he's trustworthy. again, in my situation, she doesn't have the title but if she were gone, I'd certainly be sad about it for awhile.

 

just throwing a counter point of view your way. this is not a black & white issue.

 

oh, I'll also add this (for what it's worth), if she asked me to become exclusive, I'd really have to think about it, not because of her, but to evaluate if that's something I could give her/live up to, at the level she deserves.

 

hope my perspective helps somewhat.

[Ruby Slippers]

again, in my situation, she doesn't have the title but if she were gone, I'd certainly be sad about it for awhile.

I'm not surprised you'd be sad. Right now, you're getting sex with no commitment, which is supposedly what most men want.

 

Why doesn't she "have the title"?

[ConflictedGuy27]

Why doesn't she "have the title"?

 

cause she hasn't asked for it;

and we've only been dating a month.

 

OP has been doing her thing longer than a month, so I understand that our situations don't parallel exactly, but even if they are in a FWB situation, that doesn't imply that's all it'll ever be.

 

I would much rather see OP communicate that she wants to be exclusive or not together at all, instead of just randomly dumping the dude.

 

often times us men will keep the status quo going until you tell us something has changed.

[MissGoLightly]

 

I would much rather see OP communicate that she wants to be exclusive or not together at all, instead of just randomly dumping the dude.

 

often times us men will keep the status quo going until you tell us something has changed.

 

Even though he explicitly said he does not want a relationship? I thought, the way OP explained the situation, that this guy pretty clearly stated what he does and does not want from her.

[Ruby Slippers]

often times us men will keep the status quo going until you tell us something has changed.

She has told him something has changed.

 

After hanging out for a couple months naturally I got curious about where we were going and how he felt about me, because we had been seeing each other 2-3 times a week at this point. When I asked him about it he was honest and upfront with me and said he just got out of a long relationship and wasn't looking to be in one at this time in his life, but he liked having me around a lot, with or without sex.

And he came right out and said he's not "100% committed" to her and "needs to get his life together". Some people never get their lives together and never commit 100% to anything.

 

He said it wouldn't work if I decided to see other people while being involved with him because he doesn't like to share, even though we aren't dating according to him. He then ended it with saying he likes to really get to know someone before starting a relationship, and still wasn't ready for one yet because he needs to get his life together and likes to be 100% committed when he's in one.

I think he's made it completely clear what role he will allow her to play in his life. And that is light fun and good sex partner -- not committed relationship partner.

 

It's nothing personal, Bella. He's probably waiting for some mythical, ideal woman to appear... who never will.

Edited March 15, 2011 by Ruby Slippers