I'm at a loss for words, I don't have the experience to deal with this crap.

[durkadurka]

Hey guys,

 

It's been a while since I've posted on here. I've been extremely busy with school and work, I'm also getting ready to move to New York for the summer. I've lost 35 pounds, playing sports, and being social (I had 3 birthday parties this year, which was great since last year no one showed up to the one I threw!). All in all life has improved steadily. But I'm not where I want to be yet, I still have a lot to work on.

 

Not being on the forums has really helped me stop thinking about my situation, and dealing with this on my own has allowed me to think about some things, draw some conclusions, and feel better about myself and draw on the tangibles and intangibles that I realize that I offer. Now, instead of being a mess of emotions, there are some specific concerns that I have about my situation and I need your thoughts.

 

My ex keeps rearing her head in my life.

 

In there there's been a myriad of calling me saying she still thinks about me moving down there. That her grandparents miss me, that she rebounded because she was angry at me, that she misses me and still thinks about me all the time. She asked me to go to Vegas in December, where she still brought up marriage, kids, a future and how good we are together. She said I was the sexiest person she's ever seen and that she wants me really badly, but that she's loyal to the person she's seeing now.

 

This entire experience has been very hard. However, since she announced she's got a boyfriend, I've backed off 100%. I want nothing to do with this. This isn't something she's used to, she keeps in touch with all of her exs since they all put her up in a pedestal.

 

On New Years, I got this extremely long text saying how she was thinking about me on New Years, that she missed the fun we had at the party last year and that she misses me.

 

The next day I find out she has a boyfriend.

 

A week later I get a text saying she misses talking to me, and if I'm sure I don't want to talk to her.

 

I say: Yeah I'm sure, I don't like it but it's necessary.

 

A week after that, I get a text asking for my address, and two weeks after that I get a long thank you letter for the trip to Vegas (two months after we had the trip, seems a little bit off, no?). The letter was kind but emotionless, merely stating what we did and how great it was, and how she was so thankful for us going, and "lots of love" but again, totally trying to get a reaction out of me to see if I'll do something dramatic.

 

A few weeks later she texts me asking if I got the letter, and that the black eyed peas performance of 'time of my life' reminded her of our trip to vegas, and watching the superbowl with me last year.

 

There's been more and more stuff like this going on for months. Texts on my birthday, texts saying that she misses me. Texts saying she wants to call me.

 

Each time she's contacted me I've ended up saying to her "Unless you're willing to make the decision that you've been avoiding for months, and you're prepared to cross that line, don't call me. I'm not prepared to cross that line for you anymore. You have a boyfriend, you shouldn't even be talking to me."

 

This has been capped off my two more phone calls last week that I didn't pick up. She says she wants to talk. I still ignored them, because I don't know to what ends she wants to talk.

 

Finally a few days ago, I talked to her after I congratulated her when I found out she finally saved her family's butt, and brought the company out of bankruptcy. She ended up saying that the trip I took her on for her birthday last year (her birthday is March 15th) was the best trip of her life. She ended up being really complimentary to me. To which I had to say Please don't be complimentary, it's really superficial given what's going on between us. You have a boyfriend who should mean the world to you, and it's not appropriate for you to be complimentary to me.

 

 

 

 

I hate having to be the moral police here. I am not mature enough, nor do I have enough experience with this garbage to sort through all of the mixed signals but the reality is this.

 

In the last six to nine months she has been unwilling to make the decision that is necessary, and if she can't make it now, she never will and I don't want to be strung along by this. I don't know what I can say or do to get this into her head. Apparently telling her to leave me alone doesn't cut it.

 

I think this is all a control thing. But I just don't get it, apparently her life is semi-charmed down there, and I don't see why she enjoys playing these games. She says she wants to be friends, but by her own admission, since she has a boyfriend I won't be seeing her. This is all so confusing and stupid and hard to decipher.

[heartshaped]

You can't control whether she contacts you or not, but you can control whether or not you respond. You need to go NC, she'll leave you alone eventually if you are consistent.

[WTRanger]

Are you familiar with the old timer phrase, "You can lead an ass to water, but you can't make it drink?"

 

You want her to make decisions you feel are best. You don't have that control. You can't control her free will. The only one you can control is you. You want her to stop, you want her to make the decision to end it or whatever. Don't you want to do it yourself?

 

You never stick to your own goals. You tell her it's better if you don't talk. Yet, you respond to everything. You cross your own line every damn time. You need to pick a side and stay on it. Damned what she does. She can send hellfire and brimstone your way, you can't control that. You've got to stop flip-flopping with your goals. You say you don't want to be a part of her life that she's got a boyfriend now, yet you congratulate her on her business as if you are still a part of her life. Then you bitch at her when she responds in kind. You tell her not to be complimentary to you, when you did the exact same to her! You are flip-flopping like a politician during election season! You haven't back off 100%. More like 50%.

 

As I've told you before, you are playing you own role in this. You are enabling her. Stop it. Stop responding to her if you don't want to deal with the drama. You say she's unwilling to make the "decision" and I can say the exact same about you. You are just as unwilling to move on as she is.

[Renard99]

I'm afraid I have to agree with WTRanger.

 

Everytime you reply, even if you're saying you don't want to reply, you are still maintaining contact which is exactly what she wants. She wants you to be a small part of her life and even a text message from you is seemingly fulfilling that need.

 

If she won't listen to you and won't respect your needs, don't listen her and don't respect her needs. She'll soon get the idea. She'll then only be left with having to make the decision or let you go.

 

You need to go fully NC and ignore her.

[Rose T]

I hate having to be the moral police here. I am not mature enough, nor do I have enough experience with this garbage to sort through all of the mixed signals but the reality is this.

 

In the last six to nine months she has been unwilling to make the decision that is necessary, and if she can't make it now, she never will and I don't want to be strung along by this. I don't know what I can say or do to get this into her head. Apparently telling her to leave me alone doesn't cut it.

 

I think this is all a control thing. But I just don't get it, apparently her life is semi-charmed down there, and I don't see why she enjoys playing these games. She says she wants to be friends, but by her own admission, since she has a boyfriend I won't be seeing her. This is all so confusing and stupid and hard to decipher.

 

 

Hi durkadurka.

 

You say that you're not mature enough, but I think that that admission is actually a sign that you are. You wrote a lot of things that made sense here. The part you underlined is, unsuprisingly, the most important. You don't want to be strung along, the contact isn't helping you much, so you need to complete your side of the deal now and stop responding to the bait. You can do this.

 

As far as her life is going, it's not charmed. She's not fully into her new guy, that's why she's leaning on you; it's an excuse in her head to not give either of you her heart in its entirity. You may not feel like it, but you're in a much better position than the other poor guy. He thinks he's in a relationship with her. You know you're not.

 

You know that happiness lies the other side of this, in a state of indifference and inner strength, in which you become really open enough to fall in love with someone else, right? That should probably be your goal. But I think you have all the experience and maturity now to get there.

[durkadurka]

Hi durkadurka.

 

You say that you're not mature enough, but I think that that admission is actually a sign that you are. You wrote a lot of things that made sense here. The part you underlined is, unsuprisingly, the most important. You don't want to be strung along, the contact isn't helping you much, so you need to complete your side of the deal now and stop responding to the bait. You can do this.

 

As far as her life is going, it's not charmed. She's not fully into her new guy, that's why she's leaning on you; it's an excuse in her head to not give either of you her heart in its entirity. You may not feel like it, but you're in a much better position than the other poor guy. He thinks he's in a relationship with her. You know you're not.

 

You know that happiness lies the other side of this, in a state of indifference and inner strength, in which you become really open enough to fall in love with someone else, right? That should probably be your goal. But I think you have all the experience and maturity now to get there.

 

Hi Rose,

 

Thanks for your input. I don't feel like I've been strung along because her actions have been pretty clear. I just feel that I've made my demands clear as well. I feel that I've seen this through the best that I can but she isn't mature enough to understand what I'm trying to do.

 

It's not her fault, she's young, and under a lot of stress. But that is of little comfort to me.

 

You're right, she isn't totally into this guy. The mere fact she wrote me a two page letter, or says she misses talking to me means two or three things.

 

1) She's not a good person

2) She doesn't really like this guy

3) She's being dishonest to herself

 

She dates two kinds of guys, ones who are pushovers, and ones that don't give a ****. By her own admission this guy is a rebound, but she sees things through. Again, no comfort to me.

 

I'm not interested in finding someone else because I'm not at a point in my life where I'd be good for someone else (moving around a ton, and I'm being really selfish).

[Trovador]

Hey, bro, other guy is "entertaining" her right now... why are you still thinking of having her back? Why are you still in touch with her?

 

Go away, if you can't do it for yourself, do it out of respect for the other guy (rebound or not, he's is her legit boyfriend), maybe someone, some day, will do the same for you...

[cerridwen]

Are you familiar with the old timer phrase, "You can lead an ass to water, but you can't make it drink?"

 

You want her to make decisions you feel are best. You don't have that control. You can't control her free will. The only one you can control is you. You want her to stop, you want her to make the decision to end it or whatever. Don't you want to do it yourself?

 

You never stick to your own goals. You tell her it's better if you don't talk. Yet, you respond to everything. You cross your own line every damn time. You need to pick a side and stay on it. Damned what she does. She can send hellfire and brimstone your way, you can't control that. You've got to stop flip-flopping with your goals. You say you don't want to be a part of her life that she's got a boyfriend now, yet you congratulate her on her business as if you are still a part of her life. Then you bitch at her when she responds in kind. You tell her not to be complimentary to you, when you did the exact same to her! You are flip-flopping like a politician during election season! You haven't back off 100%. More like 50%.

 

As I've told you before, you are playing you own role in this. You are enabling her. Stop it. Stop responding to her if you don't want to deal with the drama. You say she's unwilling to make the "decision" and I can say the exact same about you. You are just as unwilling to move on as she is.

 

WTRanger hits it out of the park with this post.