Isolde Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 It's having all the time in the world to think back to your own mistakes. To realize that even healthy, close relationships can end due to timing and circumstance. To be so uncertain about the future, to realize that both good and bad things can happen in the span of a day. To be powerless to change all of these things. I keep searching for a way to turn these negative thoughts into something empowering and positive--but it can be so hard. I hear about people working out problems with those they love and I wonder why I was incapable of doing those things. All this thinking time gives perspective, but it can also be really harrowing and dark. Yet since I have promised myself not to carry baggage around in my life, I am taking the time. It sometimes feels like a punishment.
threebyfate Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 The human psyche can be so convoluted. Whether this is what's going on in your mind or not, going back into the past and solely sourcing "mistakes" can also be a way to empower self, in that the outcome was controllable by you. But there are also two people in any relationship. Had you changed your perceived "negative" behaviours, are you guaranteed that he wouldn't have reacted in a different way, thus the net effect would be the same as it exists today? I think it a good thing that everyone review their own relationship behaviours. If you find repetitive coping patterns, then take it back to source and decide if it's worth changing or is an acceptable part of you. But "what ifs" are futile.
Author Isolde Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 So many subsets of this problem. A big one is that it can be impossible to tell how big of a role compatibility plays, when it's two people who love one another doing their best to resolve an obstacle and still being unable to find a solution. It's harder still when there are circumstantial obstacles like long term distance. Since I've only had one relationship, it's impossible to tell whether I have patterns that can be changed. One big thing I did learn is that, even though I like to think of myself as a mature person, I definitely have room to grow to become more patient and grounded and understanding. I never really did like it when people blame the end of relationships purely on bad luck, hence the self-examination. I feel like if I'm tough with myself now, there will be less baggage to sift through later on down the line. Another thing is acceptance that even healthy relationships don't always last forever. That's been hard for me as an idealist since I always imagined that when relationships work, they work forever. It's just not true. But at the same time, I don't want to become too hardened. It's tough!
Rose T Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 One big thing I did learn is that, even though I like to think of myself as a mature person, I definitely have room to grow to become more patient and grounded and understanding. I never really did like it when people blame the end of relationships purely on bad luck, hence the self-examination. I feel like if I'm tough with myself now, there will be less baggage to sift through later on down the line. Another thing is acceptance that even healthy relationships don't always last forever. That's been hard for me as an idealist since I always imagined that when relationships work, they work forever. It's just not true. But at the same time, I don't want to become too hardened. It's tough! I hear you, Isolde. I am really struggling with this at the moment. I wanted to blame my ex for everything but it's become obvious that I also have my flaws and my ex had to put up with them throughout the relationships. That's a really tough realisation but an incredibly important one. It's funny - I find it much easier to forgive him for giving up on us and cheating than I do forgiving myself for just being me. Something's wrong with that but nevertheless I'm the only person I can change out of the two of us, so inevitably I have to look at my own behaviour first and foremost. I no longer have influence on my ex and that's as it should be. All this means that I have to concentrate on myself, even when I don't like what I find sometimes.
Author Isolde Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 It's funny - I find it much easier to forgive him for giving up on us and cheating than I do forgiving myself for just being me. Maybe you are doing this because you have nowhere else to vent the negative feelings? But the reality is that cheating is never OK and while it's OK to acknowledge lesser mistakes you made, this is, generally speaking, not your problem to solve.
Rose T Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Maybe you are doing this because you have nowhere else to vent the negative feelings? But the reality is that cheating is never OK and while it's OK to acknowledge lesser mistakes you made, this is, generally speaking, not your problem to solve. I know, and you're right. In reality, I'm not condoning what he did. But there are moments when I look at myself and reach conclusions about why he might not have wanted to be with me any more. That's the hard part for me. Cheating is never ok. I totally agree. If he didn't want to be with me, he should have left first. But I have to also take away self-awareness of the moments when I didn't behave as best I could. I think I could be an ever better partner in the future if I work on my lesser mistakes. His faults are entirely his problem and realising that, and letting go of that, has been a big help for me.
Recommended Posts