Does WW really wanna work on this?

[aceman1008]

Hi, first post here so I'm a little nervous.

 

My wife and I used to have the best relationship. We were so close that our friends used to say why can't we get along like them.

 

3 years ago I had what could be considered an EA, and my wife apparently has never gotten over it.

 

She had primarily been a stay at home mom with our 6 YO son, and last year she got a very good job making more money than she ever had before in her life. Last fall I noticed her becoming distant and I attributed it to being her focus on work, and I was okay because I knew how much she loved her job.

 

Early Nov 2010 I found out that she had met her boss (the OM) for lunch a few times. She said that they were just friends and she was consoling him with his marriage. (I know big warning sign now, but I had complete trust in her). We talked about the situation for 3 days and she even said it was prob a bad idea and she would stop.

 

Shortly after Thanksgiving, I saw an email on her phone to her boss that said "I love you". My heart sank and for the next 3 days I got her to reveal the details of the affair to me.

 

It had started about 3 months prior, but she it was primarily conversation, but they had been secretly meeting and had kissed and hugged. There was one instance where he came to our home and they engaged in oral sex. She says she never felt she loved him, and just got caught up in it.

 

During this 3 day period of revelations, I told her that she has to have complete transparency and allow me access to her email accounts. I told her she needed to have NC with him and that she should leave her job. Since her job was a good one, and we need it financially, I reluctantly agreed to allow her to work there, but she had to avoid the OM and let me know about any contact. I also called him and told him to stay away from her or I would contact his HR and his W (whom he has 5 children with).

 

I did my best and we were like honeymooners for the next 6 weeks or so. In January I started to feel the distance again. 3 weeks ago I discovered some emails where she said she wanted a life with him but couldn't because they both have families. She also sent him a nude photo. They also set up a meeting for the following week.

 

I basically gave her every hint in the world that I knew she had started up, but she denied it to the very last second, saying I was jealous, it would never happen again and I was looking for drama. Then I let her know what I had seen. And she revealed some of the info. She said it was all email and there had not been any physical contact. She said she needed this last round of the relationship for "closure", and things were winding down. She says she started this last round of contact after I was having a "down day".

 

On the advice of her family, the next day she opened her own bank account, changed her passwords, and said she would not move out like I asked because since her name is on the lease she is entitled to be here.

 

I convinced the OM (her boss) into meeting me, by threatening to tell his wife again. He said it was stupid of him, all of the talk about a life together was just flirting and fantasy, he was truly sorry, in tears, etc. He said he was done with her and would forward me any emails if she tried to contact him.

 

After several days of more conversations with her, I got her to reveal that they had met before work and at lunch and had kissed this last time around. I caught him lying to me saying there wasn't any physical contact. And he changed his answer a few hours later after she secretly emailed him to tell him she let me know about the physical contact. I also found out that she had emailed him the past few days wanting an explanation.

 

I setup an immediate meeting between the 3 of us and he told her that he would go straight to me if she had any further contact with him. She said this meeting finally gave her the "closure" she needed and was totally done with him. He also told her it was all fantasy and he was happy with his family.

 

I once again told her she should look for another job, and she finally admitted that the job was too good and there wasn't any similar opportunities out there for that pay and experience (which I partially agree with). She said she wouldn't leave because she was afraid that if I left her anyways in the future that she would be giving up her job for no reason. I admit there is part of me that wants her to work there, that in the event we do split she will have a decent income to help provide for my son. She wants another chance to work there, says she wants to be with her family and work this out. She also offered all her passwords and to install monitoring software on her cell phone, and provide me details of all her activities.

 

She also went to a therapist on her own for her first meeting last week. She doesn't feel that remorseful to me (at least how I would be), and deflects blame to me often for an EA that I had 3 years ago. She continuously asks me when I am going to see a therapist because I have a lot of issues of my own.

 

For now we are here in the same house living in separate bedrooms for the next 4 months until our lease expires. She says she wants to work it out and go to counseling. She tells me she is afraid of showing me affection or saying the wrong thing, because she is afraid of rejection or getting hurt! We still get along well otherwise and had a great family weekend last week for our son.

 

Then after a few good days together, I caught her trying to look in my phone to see what friends were advising me on the situation. She blamed this on her not being over my EA 3 years ago.

 

Should I tell/have told his wife?

Can I really trust her to continue working there and not start up the relationship again?

Should I allow her to continue working there?

How should I be acting towards her considering we living in the same house? Should I move out, or make it so unbearable that she does?

Is there any hope? Should we try counseling or is it too late?

Do you think she really wants to work it out or is she playing me/stringing me along?

 

Once again there are some positive signs, which makes the situation confusing. She says she wants to work on it and cant imagine life without me. She wants to work with her therapist to find out why she did this, and has read some books on affairs (primarily to find out why it happened, I think).

 

Sorry its so long but I wanted to give an accurate picture of the situation and I appreciate any replies/advice. If there is anything that needs clarifying, please let me know.

Edited March 13, 2011 by aceman1008
addition/clarification

[don diego 78]

Leave and don't even look back. This woman is no good.

[jstobo]

Wow, I feel for you man. I'm going to give advice here, but it's advice I wish I would follow myself.

 

I think you should first decide if YOU want to stay with your wife. If the answer to that is yes, than you should tell the OM's wife, your wife should quit and she needs to be transparent about everything. Go to counseling together and separately.

 

If you want the relationship to be over (I would if I had proof of a PA, I don't at this time and we have two kids) I would move out. If the relationship is over, you want her to take care of herself financially as best she can, so let her keep her job and do whatever she wants with the OM.

 

My Wife and I have been separated under the same roof for a couple of months and we act like a happily married couple. It's weird actually. But the limbo has been very difficult. She moves out in one week and I don't know if things will be better or not.

 

I go back to you deciding what you want and then answer your questions based on that.

[willowthewisp]

Leave and don't even look back. This woman is no good.

 

Honestly, this was my intial thought as well.

 

You had a "down day" so that justifies her starting up a physical affair again? Er, yeah right, come on man you should be 100% perfect all the time, don't you realise that? If you are less than perfcet us women have the right to go off with a married man with five children and have oral sex. Duh! Seriously though, how dare she blame you for screwing around with some other guy? Who in the hell does she think she is?

 

So, does she really want to work on it? Well, she lied right up to the point where she was completley caught out by you and then could not get away with lying anymore. She's in counselling now. It's one of two things, she either doe not have faith that OM will leave his wife and is therefore wanting to make things work with you or she is now being genuine.

 

Like jstobo said, I think you have to decide whether you want this women anymore after all she has done to betray you and her wedding vows and, I'm sorry to say, your child (it's his family too) and OM's wife and 5 children.

 

If you do decide you want to stay and see if she is genuine this time, I would proceed with extreme caution, trust is earnt, not a right. I DO think you should pass the information (email copies etc) to OM's wife, first, she has a right to make her own decisions regarding her own marriage and second if OM has no intention of leaving her, it will put an end to any contact with your wife. Of course, if she kicks him to the kerb, he may come sniffing round your wife again, but to be honest, the problem here isn't OM, the problem lies with your wifes' character. If it wasn't him, it would be someone else.

 

Go MC, but stay vigilant, it's easy to get a second pre paid cell, it's easy to set up another email account you know nothing about, it's easy to keep cheating in her work place during lunch. You need to install keylogger on the computer and she DOES need to leave her employment, that cannot be negotiable, indeed it would demonstrate her committment to working on things with you.

[WorldIsYours]

Instead of her leaving after you cheated, she waits to get a job to fill her ego, and goes on a full-blown affair with her boss to make you feel bad.

 

Just divorce. Both of you cheated.

[UnsureinSeattle]

This might not be a repairable situation. I don't know that it would be worth it continuing on.

[What_Next]

Unless there can be 100% verifiable no contact with the OM, then why go down this road?

 

Now you were involved with an EA. What happened? How was it resolved?

 

Her lack of remorse also greatly concerns me. There will be no recovery without remorse.

 

Honestly my gut is telling me that it is time for you to pull the plug and move on.

[aceman1008]

Thanks to all of you that have replied.

 

I agree the situation is very dire. I feel that if I could look into the future and knew that with 100% she wanted to be with me and could be trustworthy that I would choose to work it out with her. We had a very special bond before but I am concerned that there is too much damage to repair this.

 

I do still feel her lack of remorse, at least she doesn't show the amount that I would have. I talked to her about how she still seems distant and isn't acting the way I would be if my marriage meant everything to me and I wanted to work on it. She says she is holding back emotion because she is afraid of rejection from me and getting hurt ? I told her if she wants to work it out, that's a chance she is gonna have to take. If I truly wanted to save my marriage, I would do anything to save it.

 

I told her yesterday that I would consider working on it but she is gonna have to give it 100%, meaning saving it is gonna need to be her number one priority, and it's gonna be a long hard road with a lot of work. I also told her that she will have to leave her job, not only to prevent the affair from reigniting, but out of consideration for my well being.

 

After our talk she became very upbeat and is now considering another possible, not previously considered, job opportunity. I reminded her several times this is not a decision to take lightly, and don't even bother if she isn't gonna give it everything. I can move on, and I am prepared to do so. I told her it could take a year or longer to fix this situation, I'm gonna have down days, and we need counseling.

 

I am also prepared to tell the OM's wife about the affair to handle that end of it, although that does concern me that he will get kicked out, give my wife the sad story, and start pursuing my wife and complicate things. I prob shouldn't worry about that though, its her job to keep away from him.

 

I am proceeding very cautiously at this point, and feel stronger than ever that I can leave now, should I choose to do so.

 

She is already going to therapy, I am going to make an appointment this week, and we need marriage counseling. Can we use the same person for all 3 things, should my therapist be completely someone different, or should we use 3 separate people for this? Her father recommended we use the same person for all 3 purposes.

 

In December after the initial discovery of the affair, I worked extremely hard to show her that I was a good husband. Flowers, cards, making romantic dinners, massages, poems, even driving 1 hour roundtrip to meet her on her lunch breaks. I gave it my all (I know, prob a bit overboard, but I was that determined to make it work). I want her to act more like this if she really wants this to work. How can I let her know that this is what I need, without explicitly telling her and it feeling forced (especially when she already said she is cautious and afraid of rejection)?

 

TO: What_Next...The EA was in 2008 with an ex-coworker. I never snuck around on my wife, she always knew that I was hanging out with her. I saw her as a friend, but started to feel more of an attraction towards the end, but did not act on it. My wife made friends with her and we all started hanging with other friends as a group towards the end. The girl found a nice guy, got married, had a baby, and moved away. I'm starting to think that my wife's affair is payback for that time period, because I wasn't paying enough attention to my wife then, and she thought she was losing me to her. I didn't see the relationship as inappropriate then, and admit it was a mistake on my part, as i didn't even know EA's existed. I apologized and thought my wife moved on.

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

 

I've had a bit of a rethink about OM's wife, I'm not so sure it's best that you tell her? Although I hate to think of a women being treated so badly by her H and not knowing, I keep thinking of those 5 children. Will she be able to cope on her own with 5 kids? Urgh, what a horrible situation, no one should have to live a lie but at the same time rasing 5 kids with heartbreak.....

 

Anyway, that's not addressing your problem, sorry. I think you have done the right thing, although i am puzzled why her father is involved in your marital decisions? This is between you and your wife. Re the counselling, personally I wouldn't do the IC route for either of you, this is you marriage, it's your relationship that needs to be worked upon and there is only one way you can do that, in the same room.

[WorldIsYours]

The EA was in 2008 with an ex-coworker. I never snuck around on my wife, she always knew that I was hanging out with her. I saw her as a friend, but started to feel more of an attraction towards the end, but did not act on it. My wife made friends with her and we all started hanging with other friends as a group towards the end. The girl found a nice guy, got married, had a baby, and moved away. I'm starting to think that my wife's affair is payback for that time period, because I wasn't paying enough attention to my wife then, and she thought she was losing me to her. I didn't see the relationship as inappropriate then, and admit it was a mistake on my part, as i didn't even know EA's existed. I apologized and thought my wife moved on.

 

You're still trying to rationalize your own affair. And it wasn't a mistake.

 

You're wife has gone off the reservation and is using your affair to try and fuel her selfish behavior.

 

Divorce.

[willowthewisp]

Would divorce solve anything? The same problems will exisit in a new relationship, why should they be so quick to throw in the towel if they are both willing to try?

[Tayla]

First and foremost- get counseling. Other then that , its up to the two of you as a couple to decide which road to take. Some poor choices are best to not be repeated...think about it.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Would divorce solve anything? The same problems will exisit in a new relationship, why should they be so quick to throw in the towel if they are both willing to try?

 

I don't think that the same problems would necessarily carry over to a new relationship.

 

They can only reconcile if both parties are serious about it- OP's wife has to prove that she wants it. If she doesn't- divorce is probably the answer (unfortunately).

[aceman1008]

Hey all, thanks again for the responses. W has completely changed her tune and wants to give working it out 100%. She has agreed to find another job and we have been working through the "surviving an affair" and "his needs, her needs" books. So, proceeding with caution now. Will also seek MC.

[spice4life]

Wrong thread sorry. Deleted

Edited March 17, 2011 by spice4life