scruffy nerfherder Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Okay, so I was confused by my ex...wrote an earlier post on that...anyhow we both ended up going to the same show this past weekend. I went to his house the night before and asked if he was going. He said he had plans with the boys and would probably make an appearance if he could convince one of them to go. I said okay, so you've got someone to go with? Because if not he could go with me. I said I had friends going but wasnt sure which night I would make it (the band was playing Friday and Saturday) as my friends have a tendancy to back out. He continued to say that if he didnt make it to the show Friday that he may cancel his plans Saturday and he'd let me know and we'd go together. Which I thought was nice...we are doing the friend thing now, which is what I think is best for us. So we hadnt been speaking a whole lot before that conversation and I was hoping that he'd tell me at that point to prepare me if he was taking a girl or seeing someone or even suggest going different nights if he was feeling awkward. But he didnt so I figured there was no news and said maybe I'd see him and to text me if he was going, although I didnt want to crash his boys night. So when I got there, my friend and I were at the bar getitng a drink as we had gotten there super early. About 5 minutes later my ex and his friend walked in. I was actually a little shocked to see him there, I really didnt expect him to show and definitely not that early. They stopped at the bar and had a brief chat, maybe 2 minutes and then they moved to the end of the bar where his friend turned his back to us so that was a sure indication of not wanting to carry on any further conversation. So I found a perch were my friend and I stood for the remainder of the night. Shortly before the opening band came on, while the pub was still fairly empty two girls walked in and stood next to me, looking for someone. When I turned around to look at them, one of them pointed in the direction of my ex and his buddy. Again, not going to make a deal of that....however maybe 30 minutes later I went to the bar and the girls were hanging with my ex. Throughout the night as I went to the bathroom or the bar I'd glance over and they were chatting it up. It made me feel very uncomfortable and awkward. Not so much because he was chatting up another girl but the fact that he hadnt spoken to me all night, didn't give me the heads up and I didnt know how to react. Plus I did think that we'd get to hang out and enjoy this band that we both so love so much. At one point my ex came over with his buddy and put his arm around my friend and I. I leaned in to talk to him and he said he couldnt hear me so I went back to watching the band and a few seconds later he was gone. So toward the end of the night I went to get a drink, as I was drinking water most of the night...I wanted to stay sober and have my wits about me. He was once again at the bar with these girls. The only open space was next to him so I waited there for the bartender. How awkward was this moment! My ex standing next to me with a girl, whom I had never met before was standing next to him. Anyhow, I turned to him and smiled and asked him what kind of drink I should order. He was quite drunk mind you, but still that is never an excuse...he shruged at me and didnt even speak. It appeared that he may have been holding the girls hand. So I ordered my drink and went back to my friend. About 20 minutes later I went to the bathroom and noticed when I came out that he had left. I was upset. This is one of his fave bands...we had seen them three times and he raves and raves about them. Plus, he ignored me all night and then left while I was n the bathroom and without so much as a good bye. So I sent him a text saying I was shocked that he left so early. He didnt read it let alone respond to it. I went home very upset. He responded to my BBM Saturday afternoon saying that "we left just before the end", "was disappointed they started so late". I read both but did not respond. So then about 5 minutes later he wrote "Did you have fun last night". I certainly did not respond to that! Then later that evening he sent me a BBM saying "no?" To which I did not respond. I just feel so disrespected. We had both agreed that we'd tell the other one if we were seeing someone for starters...but to openly flirt with someone and to ignore me was just not called for. He could have and should have told me that he was seeing someone or if she was some random girl maybe introduce me? Something to break the tension! I just know that if roles were reversed I would have done everything I could have to make him feel comfortable. At the most I would have suggested attending different nights or spoke to him at the pub if he talked to me while I was standing next to a guy I was flirting with all night. Anyhow, I see this as him not caring about me at all and not respecting me. He has been confusing me and seems to not know what the hell he wants from me since we broke up. He's been pulling me in and then pushing me away. And I do not deserve that. I dont care if hes confused or doesn't know how to let go or is afraid to hurt me. I cannot live like this anymore. I know now that I deserve to be loved, respected and have happiness. I think that my plan now will be to meet up with this week and lay it all on the line. I want to tell him face to face that I deserve better and that he hurt me the other night. I want to tell him that I am walking away, hands clean, that this will be it. No contact ever again. That means that I will delete his number, email and any other way I have to communicate with him. I really dont want to do this, as I truly do want him in my life as my friend...I like who he is. Well I liked who he was when I met him two years ago. I'm not sure who he is now. I am shocked of the way he's been treating me. So, I think this is it. But I'm afraid that he's going to pull me back in and I'm not going to have the strength to push back! Orrr I'm afraid that he's going to say ok, go then and that just may hurt even more. Any advice? Any suggestions?
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Okay, what I get from your first paragraph is he put Sat out there as a day for you two to go together, in saying hed probably cancel his plans and go with you. That you guys didnt talk and you ended up going on Fri, he may have also been surprised...figuring and hoping you were going to hold out for him Sat night, and not go on Fri...and made his plans with his buddy and to see this girl Fri nite. So he was maybe as surprised as you were to see you there (even though nothing was confirmed) Seeing how much he loves this band and how he reacted and even left early, he probably didnt feel all too comfortable himself. With introducing you two, while it would have made you feel comfortable probably wouldnt have made her feel comfortable. And if he is in any way trying to date again, he probably weighed pissing off his ex vs pissing off the girl he was trying to date and decided hed rather you be pissed off than her...not because you dont matter, but because things with them arent flawed yet and he wants to keep it that way for awhile. Ive been in a similar situation with my ex and if yours in anything like mine the small talk hes trying to make is to lead up to trying to make you feel better about the other nite, cause hes well aware of how much that sucked for you...odds are when you went into the bathroom, he announced he was ready to go and drug his friend and those girls out of there before they could tell which way was up, to get out of there and not prolong the whole thing. Blah... Sorry I have no solid advice, just obervations from my experience. The right thing to do of course is NC, but my ex is smooth and I am weak, so I have no business telling you to do what I wont do myself lol
Author scruffy nerfherder Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 (edited) Thanks for your reply. That probably does make sense. There is more to this story though...don't know if that will make a difference on your take of things? My earlier post was titled "hold on or move on" Maybe he is ready to move on competely. It's just that we agreed that if either of us get to that place that we'd tell the other. No one wants to find out their ex, who they are trying to build a friendship with, is seeing someone else through a mutual friend or by seeing them huddled in a corner at a pub. I don't know what to do? A part of me wants to tell him to piss off and end things once and for all. But then there's a part of me that wants to try to make this friendship work. He was by best friend and I miss him. My friends would kill me if they heard me say that I was thinking of not walking away. I'm just tired of him not telling me the truth. Of not being open and honest with me. I'm tired of being there for him only when he wants. I'm tired of feeling terrible about myself. I know that he's a good guy or he was a good guy. I'm afraid to walk away completely. We were each others whole worlds for quite some time. Maybe I'm just afraid of losing him all together and I keep trying to hang on? Ugh! This just sucks! How would you approach talking to him? Edited March 13, 2011 by scruffy nerfherder
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 (edited) I replied in your other thread, about how things seem so similar, and trust me...you do not want to know how I would approach talking to him... My method tends to be of the lose my wits, turn into an emotional wreck, call and freak out on him that sick of him and his lies and his double life, write one or two massive emails outlining exactly how I feel, followed up by a text or two telling him Im going to die alone and unmarried and its all his fault. Did I miss anything? hrmm...nope yeah that about covers how I approach things LoL Oh yeah, every so often I throw in something about getting a dog cause theyre loyal and dont cheat and lie. Yeah, my suggestion is...do the total opposite of that hah! Seriously though, in the midst of my rantings, one thing is for sure...he never has to wonder at any given moment what I think or where my head is at. He knows what hes getting himself into in staying involved with me... He also knows that I always seem to find out if he trying to keep something from me or has lied to me...Ive told him do whatever you want, just dont lie to me or pretend one thing and do another. That doesnt spare my feeings, it pisses me off. Anyway, Im sure theres a much better way to get that across...I just havnt developed a new way of communicating this to him yet Ultimately though, making sure he knows you wont just take it and accept crap from him and such is what you want to do. Ive figured NC is the more dignified way of saying "Im not sticking around for this"...trying, trying. Edited March 13, 2011 by ReturnToSender
Author scruffy nerfherder Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Oh I was there...with the whole losing it and writing looong letters. But I realized that just didnt work. So I read one of your earlier posts...he cheated on you? That had to hurt! I'm so very sorry! Perhaps you too need to cut ties? When he asked for space a few months ago after we had started dating again, I read a book called....and don't laugh...Life Strategies by Dr. Phil. I would normally never read something like that, but I was in a palce where I felt terrible about myself and I needed to get myself togther and it did help me. Now I was also in therapy once a week....but this book made me see things more clearly... You cannot change other people. But you can change yourself. I learned that life rewards actions, not words. You can say whatever you want but if you don't follow up with the actions you talked about no change will occur. Well, my dear I wish you luck! Break ups are never easy, but they are always harder when your ex refuses to fully let you go. Keep me posted on your dilemma! I hope things work out for you and you find happiness...whatever that means for you. Happiness is something different for everyone. And check out that book if you get a chance. It really helped me find myself again.
spackle Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 what's wrong with saying how you feel, not in a mad, crazy woman way, just say you felt uncomfortable seeing him with someone new and you need your space to move on (if that's what you want to do/say).
Author scruffy nerfherder Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 No I agree with you. Thank you. But its' all in how you approach things. I was referring to times when I overanalyzed things and took something that should have been a 5 minute conversation and made it into a 2 day discussion. Personally I need to be more direct and to the point. I've come a long way since we broke up and I know what I want and if he can't give it to me then I know now that I need to walk away. That I deserve better.
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Yup, totally with you on that...nothing says "I need to change something" like a couple days of text and emails and angry phone calls only to have nothing change in the end. And I think he is starting to take me seriously cause when I put it out there that I was going to go NC, I was super calm, like 2 sentences calm...and then left it at that. That probably freaked him out more than all my novel letters and babbling phone calls put together... The one thing I try to keep in mind is that we are already over..it was over when we broke up, and if any doubt, definitely over when 3 days after our breakup I found out he was seeing something else for a few months already. Everything else in the past year and a half was just dreams and wishes... Im so over this other girl and what happened between them. Maybe it helps that no one can stand her, cause for awhile there I felt like if everyone knew he was seeing her, maybe they supported their relationship behind my back...but no. Only time I hear her name anymore is if someone asks me (why me!) if they are still hooking up cause they havnt seen them together in awhile..and if he and I are back together cause hes in a better mood lately. Aye... Anyway, I want a life too...and this is no way to live. I probably, no most definitely should have gone to therapy, so that I could have come to a lot of the realizations sooner, but at least they are there now...just a matter of following through. What I ultimately want is to be in a loving relationship..Ive been so focused on that loving relationship to involve him....now I realize thats not the point. With or without him its up to me to make that happen...and if hes not going to be with me, then we need to go our separate ways...cause trying to maintain a friendship with him is nothing short of dysfunctional.
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