shadowwave Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I've been reading some threads, and thought I would join. I joined eharmony over a month ago, they had some free communication special on, so I thought "I'll give it a go" and I ended up subscribing because I couldn't see the pictures! So one guy in particular sent messages, after going through the guided communication protocol, and then we swapped numbers, and continued to text, then phone calls etc etc etc. This was about a month ago. He then said he wanted to meet me. Gave me some dates, I picked one, and he booked a hotel nearby for this weekend. We continued to talk, sometimes on the phone, via chat or text. So last week he got sick. Like really sick, took some time off work so I suggested would it better if he rescheduled, he said with regret he would have to. (He lives about 2.5 hours drive away) Before that I suggested I drive up, he said no to wait til we met on this weekend, that he was really excited but nervous, then I suggested this weekend that if he felt slightly better I would come to him, he said he now had his son over and couldn't. I suppose what I am trying to say is I'm feeling stupid. I am a confident, working woman with her life together and I feel like I been sucked in by words :-( I was so disappointed not to get to meet him, after the 4 weeks build up, then offering to go to him if he was feeling unwell, and getting knocked back again. I read some threads on multi dating, I used to be of the mind that I wouldn't do that, now I feel if I do put my eggs in one basket that I'll always feel let down if things work out. How do others cope with the multidating thing?
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Even though I have nothing against it, Ive never multi-dated and figured it wasnt for me. When Im interested in someone, cant imagine putting much effort into anyone else and consider that not fair to my 2nd choice...besides I wanted to be able to put my all into seeing where things go. After both my breakup last year and my experience with dating since then (much of it through eHarmony!) I now understand the virtues of not putting all my eggs in one basket and multi-dating. Heck, for awhile there I was so annoyed, I decided I was going to keep my options open until someone put a ring on my finger, but decided that was out of control and let that thinking go lol But for sure, I will not devote and essentially commit myself to a man and a relationship with him, when we dont even have a relationship to commit to. Ill date casually until something serious develops. And I do plan to be completely honest about that too...I dont expect a guy to commit to a life with me after one date, and I dont want anyone to expect that from me. After dating for a bit, I dont see that as being unreasonable..as long as Im honest then I cant be faulted for keeping my options open. If a guy doesnt go for that then he can either decide hes ready to make things serious, or date someone else who is willing to be exclusive in a casual relationship.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 This isn't really about multidating, really. He doesn't seem all that interested, from what you've written. Someone who was interested would have made time, instead of putting other priorities first. He would have gotten a babysitter for his son, if he really wanted to see you. This makes me believe that he's stringing you along, and is seeing other women.
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 This isn't really about multidating, really. He doesn't seem all that interested, from what you've written. Someone who was interested would have made time, instead of putting other priorities first. He would have gotten a babysitter for his son, if he really wanted to see you. This makes me believe that he's stringing you along, and is seeing other women. If hes seeing other women, wouldnt that be multidating? Like I said, Im new to it and havnt had a chance to even put it into practice yet, so its a genuine question. I totally agree though that if he was truly interested he would have found a way to make the time...just the same way you were willing to put in the time and effort to see him, he would have done it for you. The first date I had with my ex, after we were together he confessed he had gotten into a car accident just a cpl weeks before, and often his car simply not start up. When I called and asked him if hed like to meet up, he said he got in his car and literally prayed to god that it would start up before he tried to turn it on...he didnt even think about or care how hed get home if it didnt start up after our date...hed also just come back from a 3 day trip and was just about to go to sleep for the first time in over 24 hours when I called him, but all of that was worth it to see me. Fast forward to when his "feelings evolved"...there was always some reason he couldnt see me, some understandable, most lame, but never on the level of that first date when he did what to took cause he was very interested.
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Some people are addicted to "dating" online, and will never actually move it from online to the real world. I'm not saying this is the case it does happen.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 He doesn't seem all that interested, from what you've written. Someone who was interested would have made time, instead of putting other priorities first. He would have gotten a babysitter for his son, if he really wanted to see you. I hope not. If a parent is sharing custody and has their child / children certain times only, I would really question the character of a man who would trade his time with his son for time with a woman he had never even met. This makes me believe that he's stringing you along, and is seeing other women. Well ... he hasn't even met her. Seeing other women would not be a crime. OP, in my opinion, should just keep looking at new potential guys. This one knows she's interested; she should step back and wait for him to make new arrangements. If he does, I hope it goes great. If he does not ... then he was not sufficiently interested, or else he is one of those who doesn't actually segue from online to real life, as mentioned above.
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I have to say I do agree that he cant be faulted for putting his children first. Often times when my daughter was younger, I had to cancel a date cause she was sick or the babysitter ended up not being able to watch her and well, that was that. But even so I made a point to right away suggest another day and not leave it hanging...to make sure the guy knew I was serious about wanting to see him and not think I was blowing him off.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 On the topic of being resistant to multidating Eharmony advice has a couple of good articles about this. One is about women instantly being "in a relationship" because they had a good date or two. http://advice.eharmony.com/relationships/important-questions/are-you-guilty-instant-relationship The other point blank says that not multidating for a little bit is the biggest mistake women make in dating. They commit to one guy simply because he came along first when a much better match could come along a week or month latter. http://advice.eharmony.com/dating/biggest-mistake-women-make-in-dating-and-what-do-instead Once we meet a man we really like, we women tend to dive right in. We want to give our hearts, mind and very soul to a man, and meld together into a perfect relationship. We give away our exclusivity before a man gives us the commitment we want. When we close off our options with other men too soon, we actually sabotage our ability to get the commitment and intimacy we so desire. It's the biggest mistake women make, and you need to stop it - right now! - and start dating many men at the same time until you have the commitment you want from the man who is right for you.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I'm back in the online dating fiasco. I learned the first time to go on lots and lots of dates until I found one where there was chemistry and attraction on both sides. Online dating is about meeting as many people as possible and maximizing the time and effort it takes to go through the system. The most important thing is to keep chatting to a minimum prior to the first date. If a guy emails me and he's cute, smart, and has a sense of humor, I'll email maybe 2 or 3 times at most before I ask to meet up with him. It takes most men by surprise but whatever. I don't want to waste hours of my life emailing, texting, and talking on the phone when one 10 minute in person meet up will tell me if there are sparks or not. My other suggestion to you is to be OPEN to who you meet. Define your minimum criteria and make a good faith effort to meet everyone who has those attributes. You never know what's out there unless you put yourself out there. I try to meet a minimum of 1 new person every week.
Author shadowwave Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 This isn't really about multidating, really. He doesn't seem all that interested, from what you've written. Someone who was interested would have made time, instead of putting other priorities first. He would have gotten a babysitter for his son, if he really wanted to see you. This makes me believe that he's stringing you along, and is seeing other women. No, he was planning to see me, but because he didn't come down, his son went over there. He wasn't going to see him but things changed.
Author shadowwave Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 To all the posters who say about multi-dating and keeping my options open, I read the links in one of the above posts, I must admit I hadn't even logged back in for a time to eharmony, but I did today and replied to some questions/icebreakers etc. I have been asked out on another "date". Not through EH but IRL. I was going to say no, but now I feel that maybe I should keep my options open. I have spoken to (Oh dear I think they may have to have numbers lol) guy number one today, and we have rescheduled and will be meeting him in the week. He was sorry he couldn't make it this weekend. Who was it who said keeping chatting/emailing to a minimum? Crazy Magnet did. I am soooo not looking for a cyber relationship. I don't want the incessant emailing and texting, if we do that for a time and it leads to a date then great, but to do it non stop then have nothing show for it, I'm left feeling ridiculous!!! Some who have messaged me just don't seem to be my type, whatever type is in this day and age. Also, some who answer questions, the responses are not good. I'm ok to ignore those??? Or is that rude??? Should a "thanks but no thanks" be ok to send? I've been single a while, about 9 months or so now, I thought it's time to get out there again, but it's complicated, and coupled with me working full time I don't always have the time to even log into my PC let alone respond to messages
Crazy Magnet Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Yep, it was me. You won't have time to respond to everyone if you are truly meeting as many people as you can. It's why I don't bother with all the chatting. From what I hear, most girls want to email for several weeks, then talk, etc. Not me! I get it offline and IRL as fast as possible.
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 You don't necessarily have to multidate. And it seriously confuses people on who they want to see again on a second date.
Author shadowwave Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Yep, it was me. You won't have time to respond to everyone if you are truly meeting as many people as you can. It's why I don't bother with all the chatting. From what I hear, most girls want to email for several weeks, then talk, etc. Not me! I get it offline and IRL as fast as possible. I totally agree with this, the longer emailing and all that goes on, the more boring it gets. It's like I've gone beyond excited with the first guy, this weekend was such a let down, but I had other things to do so that was fine, but the disappointment was huge! Guy Number 2 is asking what I would like to do next friday. Erm like meet you??? Are men just supposed to take the lead and take the woman out? Seriously. I need lessons.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I totally agree with this, the longer emailing and all that goes on, the more boring it gets. It's like I've gone beyond excited with the first guy, this weekend was such a let down, but I had other things to do so that was fine, but the disappointment was huge! Guy Number 2 is asking what I would like to do next friday. Erm like meet you??? Are men just supposed to take the lead and take the woman out? Seriously. I need lessons. I can tell you what I do, but then this is just what works for me in terms of online dating. What works for you and your personality might not be the same. If a guy hasn't asked to meet me by say the 3rd email I will say something like "I'd like to meet up and see how things go in person if you're up for it. Otherwise we can keep emailing, but I'll let you decide." For all I know they like to email. So far every guy has been like "Heck yes I want to meet you!" And then they either suggest a time/place or ask me what I had in mind. I always throw out coffee/drinks for a first meet. It's low pressure and cheaper. Some guys go for that, others counter offer with dinner. I think in this day either the man or the woman can take the lead in setting up the first meet up. I always offer to pay when the check shows up but so far nobody has let me pay. After that I tend to settle into more traditional roles. If the man likes me and wants to pursue, he will. If not, he won't. I don't chase guys around after meeting them for a second date. The reason I initiate so many first meet ups online is because men are used to women wanting to email for freaking ever before they feel "safe" enough to meet the guy. I think this makes a lot of guys email over and over and over rather than just growing a pair and asking a girl out. How many people IRL spend a ton of hours talking, emailing, and texting prior to the first date? Yeah...not many. When meeting people just don't be stupid. Go to a very public, well lit area. Tell your friends his name, the place you are going, give them his contact information from the dating site and phone number if you have it. Call a friend when you arrive and let them know you will call when you leave. I then talk to the friend all the way home. Many people here are quite jaded about online dating. I'm one of the optimistic ones. I had a mostly great relationship that lasted well over a year last time I tried it. Turns out he just wasn't the man for me for the rest of my life. He still is an amazing person though and very nice/genuine/etc. Don't be discouraged. I had to wade through a lot of weirdness to find him. I have many friends who got married from eH and Match. I still think it can work as well as real world meeting people.
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