Ex's best friend

[strangeways]

My ex's best friend has just moved to a flat two streets away from me and I keep bumping into her all the time. I live in London so it's not like a small village or anything. Couldn't believe it.

 

I've known her best friend as long as my ex has but haven't seen her since the split. She's one of lifes "nice" people. I've got a lot of time for her. When we bump into each other we always say hello and it's very pleasant but it makes me feel very uneasy.

 

Anyway, I arranged to meet up with a couple of old work mates on friday. Didn't know they'd invited other people. My ex's best friend was also there. Me, my ex and her best friend all used to work together.

 

What a disaster. Everyone got hammerred. I avoided the best friend until the end of the night when it was just the two of us left. I know, I should have left but I didn't. I've read enough on LS to know better but I guess curiosity got the better of me. She asks me how I am and how I've been since the split and I was pretty bright and breezy about everything. Then the ex started texting her. She told me it was her and she was asking how I was. Guess the best friend told her I was there.

 

I asked the best friend how the ex was and what she was up to. Bad mistake. The ex is seeing someone else now and seems very happy according to the best friend. Gone back to being a party girl, lots of drugs and drink (everything she said she'd had enough off and wanted to settle down). Apparently she just wasn't ready to settle down.

 

I did keep it together in front of her and didn't say much despite being wasted thank God but it was as if I was rooted to the spot and wanted to punish myself for some reason. Very odd.

 

Oh yes, she also offered to babsit my kids for me if I ever needed it lol.

 

I thought after 6 months split and 5.5 months NC (just one bs email from her which I ignored) I was OK. In fact I've been feeling pretty good bar the odd setback. Obviously not. Feel like s**t again, missing her like mad and p****d off with myself for not having the self control and leaving before I got into a conversation with the best friend.

 

Added to that, the fact that the best friend lives two streets away I'm worried that I'm going to bump into the ex. Why am I so scared of someone that I used to be so close to?

 

When I've been dumped in the past I've got over it pretty quick. I was sad but was able to just let it go. Having trouble with this one though and I'm finding it hard to understand why. Surely after almost 6 months NC I should be in a better place. Hopefully just a set back but I feel BAD right now. The worst of it is, I want to contact her. Unbelievable.

 

I've got no one else to blame for this but myself.

[Rose T]

Hi Strangeways, so sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch - it really sucks when we think (and hope) that time should be taking care of our healing - and it's not exactly working out like that. I've followed your story and I know you've been so strong with NC so you shouldn't beat yourself up at all with how you handled things here. Sounds like you really kept yourself together in front of your ex's friend.

 

I know this has all stirred up old feelings, but it's really important to remember that there are two sides to every story. Just to put things in perspective - if your ex is really SO over you, SO happy with her new guy, perfect social life, why is she sitting texting her friend about your presence in the pub? Why should she care? Knowing how good friends behave, your ex's friend was clearly giving you the "her life is perfect and she's very happy" line because that's what friends do. The reality is probably different - nobody's life is perfect, if she's out drinking and doing loads of drugs she definitely on a rollercoaster which will spill over into her personal life - so first things first, don't go thinking that somehow your ex is in a great place and you are not. It's simply not that black and white.

 

She made a cowardly decision as I recall, she left without explanation and seems to make weak choices elsewhere in her life. You've been strong and amazing at NC. No-one says it's easy, but you've displayed class and courage. That counts for a lot in this life.

 

So hang on in there, keep taking it day by day, keep working on your healing, and don't for a moment think that this is a real set back. It's another step towards getting over her and moving on. You deserve better and you will find it, you might have to be a bit patient but focus on your healing so you really can be ready when a wonderful girl comes into your life. It all takes time but you're definitely still moving in the right direction.

[strangeways]

Thanks Rose. And you're absolutely right. I know it all so well after 6 months NC and being on LS but every now and again it still gets to me.

 

She was never one to talk to her friends about how she really feels (her words) and I was looking at her best friend and thinking "You really don't know her at all".

 

Drink and drugs is the thing she always runs to. It's what she was used to for years before she met me. It was the thing she said she didn't want to do any more as it was empty and self destructive. So what she ACTUALLY feels, who knows. But I've got it into my thick skull after 6 months that it doesn't really matter anymore. Still, every now and again.

 

I've done great with NC and you're right I shouldn't beat myself up about it and she was cowardly.

 

Day by day.

[Rose T]

You know Strangeways, I look at my ex and almost envy all the drama in his life (he's with the OW that came between us). He still reaches out to me with mixed messages but manages to look as if he's got it all, as if his life is exciting and full of passion.

 

Mine, on the other hand, is still taken up with being patient, holding my tongue when I feel weak and really want to contact him, trying hard not to be angry or bitter or judgmental, trying to be aware of my own faults, and to improve. I hasten to add I am not Mother Theresa of Calcutta lol but sometimes it feels like I'm going through pennance while he's partying and carefree.

 

I think the reality is that we are trying to keep it real, trying to learn and grow because we recognise that it's the healthiest way out of this pain. Our exes don't have that patience or self-discipline and they're likely to make the same mistakes in their next relationships. When we're out of it and better, we'll be in a really good place.

 

But - and I'm saying this for myself as much as you - next time you look for love, look for someone equal to you, not a project. They're just draining and will drag you down. It's the least you deserve. Never forget that.

[Graceful]

Hey strangeways,

 

I can't even imagine how you must have felt (and still feel) knowing the friend of your ex moved two streets away when you live in a city as enormous as London. If it were me, I'd be shaking my head the way way you are. Of all the neighborhoods to choose from ... are you kidding me??

 

As far as the ex, if anyone has her "number" it is you. And remember. People don't change, they don't change, and did I just say this? People do not change. You know who she is and what she is capable of. And the thing is this, she has not only NOT changed, but she has returned to her bad habits, the habits that are self-destructive and that make it very easy for her to walk away from her problems. Remember, if she is with someone, and that means anyone, if she is getting along with him, it's because they are two peas out of the same pod, and she can do drugs and party because he does, too. A train wreck waiting to happen.

 

If he's a nice guy like you who wants normalcy, then feel sorry for him, because he is going to get the same treatment you got. So either way, no normal, no happy ending, and certainly no change in your ex.

 

Six months down the road you're still disappointed in your own way. The relationship had potential and then it blew up. So I don't think there's anything strange about still feeling let down and disappointed. But the truth is, and the bottom line is ... there's nothing there. She gives new meaning to that old adage, "the lights are on, but no one's home" if you ask me.

 

No harm done. But next time, maybe tell your friends to drag you out of the bar with them when they leave. Chin up. I know you're too strong to cave in and contact her, but just in case ... you know you have LS and you can always write in the "write here instead of contacting your ex" thread in this forum. There's some fantastic material in there, so even if you don't want to write, read some of the other contributions, and I guarantee it will make you feel better.

 

Take care, my friend.

 

She was never one to talk to her friends about how she really feels (her words) and I was looking at her best friend and thinking "You really don't know her at all".

 

Drink and drugs is the thing she always runs to. It's what she was used to for years before she met me. It was the thing she said she didn't want to do any more as it was empty and self destructive. So what she ACTUALLY feels, who knows. But I've got it into my thick skull after 6 months that it doesn't really matter anymore. Still, every now and again.

 

I've done great with NC and you're right I shouldn't beat myself up about it and she was cowardly.

 

Day by day.

Edited March 13, 2011 by Graceful

[strangeways]

You know Strangeways, I look at my ex and almost envy all the drama in his life (he's with the OW that came between us). He still reaches out to me with mixed messages but manages to look as if he's got it all, as if his life is exciting and full of passion.

 

Mine, on the other hand, is still taken up with being patient, holding my tongue when I feel weak and really want to contact him, trying hard not to be angry or bitter or judgmental, trying to be aware of my own faults, and to improve. I hasten to add I am not Mother Theresa of Calcutta lol but sometimes it feels like I'm going through pennance while he's partying and carefree.

 

Yep. Totally feel this sometimes.

 

I think the reality is that we are trying to keep it real, trying to learn and grow because we recognise that it's the healthiest way out of this pain. Our exes don't have that patience or self-discipline and they're likely to make the same mistakes in their next relationships. When we're out of it and better, we'll be in a really good place.

 

One day I'll thank for this experience. Learnt so much and still learning.

 

But - and I'm saying this for myself as much as you - next time you look for love, look for someone equal to you, not a project. They're just draining and will drag you down. It's the least you deserve. Never forget that.

 

Shame I'm a Project manager by trade LOL. In truth, I think I always sort of always knew it'd end badly. Something I need to work on.

 

 

@Grace

I groaned when I heard she'd moved in so close. My heart sunk. Thing is she's a really lovely woman (not in a romantic way) who I always had a lot of time for and she for me. She was so happy when my ex and I got together. Had some great conversations with her in the past. She was apparently very upset about the way my ex treated me.

 

I've got her number and the great thing I've started to get my number becasue of all this (if that makes sense).

 

From what I can gather, they are two peas in a pod. Very much a party couple.

 

I'll make sure I never put myself in that siuation again. I wrote out a long email to her, just like the hundreds I've already written. Same as the others, it'll stay a draft for a bit then be discarded.

[Fern]

You know Strangeways, I look at my ex and almost envy all the drama in his life (he's with the OW that came between us). He still reaches out to me with mixed messages but manages to look as if he's got it all, as if his life is exciting and full of passion.

 

Mine, on the other hand, is still taken up with being patient, holding my tongue when I feel weak and really want to contact him, trying hard not to be angry or bitter or judgmental, trying to be aware of my own faults, and to improve. I hasten to add I am not Mother Theresa of Calcutta lol but sometimes it feels like I'm going through pennance while he's partying and carefree.

 

I think the reality is that we are trying to keep it real, trying to learn and grow because we recognise that it's the healthiest way out of this pain. Our exes don't have that patience or self-discipline and they're likely to make the same mistakes in their next relationships. When we're out of it and better, we'll be in a really good place.

 

But - and I'm saying this for myself as much as you - next time you look for love, look for someone equal to you, not a project. They're just draining and will drag you down. It's the least you deserve. Never forget that.

 

I could have written this myself, Rose! That gave me goosebumps. I think we all have this tendency to overestimate the happiness levels of our exes since they split with us. If they were unhappy with us they're going to be unhappy without us. We need to stop sub-consciously thinking we were somehow AT FAULT in some way. They were unhappy because they have their own issues. It's not our job to make our partners happy. And as Grace says - people don't change - their dis-satisfaction will follow them wherever they go.

 

Strangeways, you'll bounce back quicker than you imagine. I'd put money on it you're doing better than your ex in every way that counts because you are a stronger, better person in every way that counts. Stay strong. Time heals all wounds.

[strangeways]

Thanks Fern.

 

I think you're right about this idea of their unhappiness following them around, whatever situation they find themselves in. That would sit well with what I know about her.

 

I think one of the emotions I was feeling talking to the best friend was a sense of....jealousy. That's the best way I can describe it. She talks to my ex probably daily, saw her last week and was texting her that evening. I was jealous that she still got to see my ex and I didn't. The thought that i'll never see or hear from her again still rears it's ugly head sometimes. Crazy.

 

I think my ego might be having something to do with it as well. While I wouldn't take her back my ego wants her to want me back.

 

I know this is temporary and short-lived set back. I've had them before and I'll probably have them again. Just got to concentrate on me and not her.

 

Thanks for the responses. They really help. think it's called perspective. Need to get it back.

[Fern]

 

I think my ego might be having something to do with it as well. While I wouldn't take her back my ego wants her to want me back.

 

 

Oh boy do I understand that. I think if my Ex came back telling me he'd made a terrible mistake and begging me to come back I'd be over it straight away. I reckon I'd stop thinking about him and torturing myself immediately. It's the blow to my ego that still bothers me. I'm pretty much over the rest of it. Our relationship offered me very little in the end but debt and heartache and self-loathing. Honestly, nobody I know would be surprised if he DID come crawling back eventually. I took very good care of him and he's a user who's never really had to look after himself before. I imagine paying his own bills is starting to wear thin by now. :-D

 

I don't see it ever happening, but only because he knows from my attitude towards him these days that he has no chance with me ever again. He blew it. This human ATM is out of order. It used to kill me that he chose this idiot he's with now over me. Like she was 'better' than me, but I've come to realise that he's using her too (for admiration, because she looks good on his arm and fits his 'image', because she doesn't challenge him, etc etc). For very different things than he got from me, but using her none-the-less. He doesn't know any other way to interact with people.

 

This is my first PROPER heartbreak and I think going through it from start to finish is going to be the making of me. I'm already a stronger, better person for it. I need to stop allowing him so much power. All the power he has over me and my feelings is power I give him. In 6 months time I'm not going to give a toss about him.

 

Holy moly - where did that come out of? Sorry for the hi-jack!

[Rose T]

The ego does get in the way, doesn't it?

 

I'm really trying to move on but I still get waves of loss and sorrow about the rejection. It's that which is keeping our exes on their pedestals. It's very frustrating because when we were together - and if we were still together - I'd be sassy and able to put him down in a jokey way - keeping those boundaries in check. Now he's gone, I still find myself crying at wierd moments and wishing he'd come back. I also know that the woman he fell in love with would never forgive what he did. I'm trying to find her again - not for him - but certainly for me. I'm so bored of it all though - when will it really end? Surely not only when we meet someone new?

[strangeways]

Yes, the rejection. While I generally don't wallow in the mire it does suck me in sometimes. I stumbled across a pair of her earplugs the other day (I have a tendancy to snore when I drink too much). It made me laugh and sad at the same time. Small things.

 

Funny thing is she has a memory like a steel trap. She could recall every detail of what we said or did. She'd bring up some nice thing I said or did months earlier that I had completely forgotten about. It was astonishing. Hard to imagine she could forget those things or maybe she now uses that ability to remember the bad instead of the good.

 

Like you Rose, it saddens me to think these thoughts will only go when we meet someone we think is as special as we thought our ex's were. That's even though we know they weren't that special in the first place!

 

Onwards and upwards. At least the best friend isn't in my local pub right now.

[melenkurion]

I thought after 6 months split and 5.5 months NC (just one bs email from her which I ignored) I was OK. In fact I've been feeling pretty good bar the odd setback. Obviously not. Feel like s**t again, missing her like mad and p****d off with myself for not having the self control and leaving before I got into a conversation with the best friend.

 

I know this a few days after what happened, but don't beat yourself up over this. The really important thing is that you kept it together. The only message that might get back to your ex is that "strangeways is doing great and having fun". You didn't even intend to meet up with your ex's friend in the first place, it's just that she turned out to be there. That's not your fault. Once she was there, it would have taken superhuman strength to have avoided speaking to her. You say it yourself here: you've been doing OK bar the odd setback. This is a setback. A bad one, maybe your worst one so far, but that is all it is.

 

I truly, truly understand the risks rubbishy infodumps from mutual friends. I think this is the first time you have heard anything substantive about what is going on in her life, so it is no wonder you felt just cr%ppy.

 

I don't really have anything much to add to what's already been said, but don't go thinking she is as happy as she is claiming. Her behaviour certainly indicates otherwise. Also: her past behaviour is the strongest indicator of her future behaviour.

 

From all your posts, you sound like you are actually doing incredibly well in making sense of what has happened to you. You're thoughtful but you don't over-analyse, you seem strong and your setbacks don't crush you.

 

I think my ego might be having something to do with it as well. While I wouldn't take her back my ego wants her to want me back.

 

I'm exactly the same, I think most of us understand that feeling all too well. That's human.

[strangeways]

Thanks melen.

 

It's true that this is the first I've heard about her since she left. I'd always had it in my mind that she'd be with someone by now and, in fact, I suspected she may have left me for someone else so its was no great shock she's seeing someone and I knew she'd go back to drink and drugs.

 

I do feel like I've done pretty well so far. Bound to be setbacks and I do feel better about it today. As to whether she's happy or not. Who really gives a s**t. It's not my concern anymore. I doubt very much her friend knows if she is or not. She's a very closed book when it comes to her emotions even with her close friends.

[swfc_77]

strangeways, how are you man.

 

other than the obvious,

 

you got to look at the situation and ask yourself would you really entertain her again, after what she did to you and your kids. its ****e mate i know, im still hung up a bit and i dont know why, but every time i think about my ex i just remind myself of what she did and how ****ty she treated me and how ****ty it would be if i ever did give her the opportunity to creep back in.

 

seems to me she thinks drink and drugs are the best way to enjoy life from what you say, she will realise 1 day that it soon gets boring and expensive.

 

its been about the same length of time for me and i often ask myself why i still care about her and it annoys the **** out of me that i might still love her a bit, but it was just a lie, some people like to play house and grown up, when all they really are is immature and selfish.

 

honestly my friend the next time you think about her just ask yourself "would i really give her another chance after the way she has acted"

 

you dont need people like that in your life, even thinking about them is a waste of time

[Ajax]

 

As far as the ex, if anyone has her "number" it is you. And remember. People don't change, they don't change, and did I just say this? People do not change. You know who she is and what she is capable of. And the thing is this, she has not only NOT changed, but she has returned to her bad habits, the habits that are self-destructive and that make it very easy for her to walk away from her problems. Remember, if she is with someone, and that means anyone, if she is getting along with him, it's because they are two peas out of the same pod, and she can do drugs and party because he does, too. A train wreck waiting to happen.

 

If he's a nice guy like you who wants normalcy, then feel sorry for him, because he is going to get the same treatment you got. So either way, no normal, no happy ending, and certainly no change in your ex.

 

 

This advice hit home for me too. Your ex sounds similar to mine, who I just discovered has a new boyfriend. She also up and let out of the blue, just days after telling me how much she loved me and the future she saw with me.

 

Gracefull's right though. For them it's a cycle, and when you think about it, we're lucky that we have it behind us instead of the poor blokes who have it ahead of them.

[strangeways]

Swfc_77

 

You're absolutely right and there no way I'd ever entertain getting back with her. She's simply bad for me. i'd never trust her. I say that every time I think of her and it helps. But like you, I still care for her in some way. It's annoying.

 

the drink and drugs does get old. she's had years of doing it. It's her coping mechanism. When she runs she gets off her head. That's the way she knows best. Even though she says she doesn't want it anymore that's what she runs to. Don't get me wrong I spent a lot of my early 20's doing the same and I still like to go mad every now and again but I know theres better ways to cope and there's more to life

 

Ajax

 

We certainly dodged a bullet. I've read your whole thread and I think you're doing incredibly well even though it may not seem it sometimes. Graceful is ALWAYS right:D.

[swfc_77]

yes mate, i did the same didn't take me long to realise that going to bed at 8am smashed out of your tree and spending 2-3 days recovering isn't the best way to live your life.

 

im only 24 too.

 

especially drugs, leave you with no friends when you decide enough is enough, everyone seems to carry on and you fade out into the background because you no longer do them.

 

as ajax said people dont change really, they might convince you, other and even themselves, but deep down inside they always revert back to ways they know.

 

i think your probably feeling the same as me, a little bit dejected, ashamed and wondering why tried to see the best in someone only to be lied to and led along. thats what gets me down not the fact that its over but because i feel ashamed i was ever with her.

[strangeways]

yes mate, i did the same didn't take me long to realise that going to bed at 8am smashed out of your tree and spending 2-3 days recovering isn't the best way to live your life.

 

im only 24 too.

 

especially drugs, leave you with no friends when you decide enough is enough, everyone seems to carry on and you fade out into the background because you no longer do them.

 

as ajax said people dont change really, they might convince you, other and even themselves, but deep down inside they always revert back to ways they know.

 

i think your probably feeling the same as me, a little bit dejected, ashamed and wondering why tried to see the best in someone only to be lied to and led along. thats what gets me down not the fact that its over but because i feel ashamed i was ever with her.

 

Yeah. I remember the terrible drink/drug hangovers.

 

There was a few times when she went out with her friends and it'd take her 2 days to get her head straight. She always said never again:rolleyes:. but then don't we all:D.

 

I Think she felt she was missing out as her friends were getting off their faces. It's funny but she always said she didn't want to do that anymore and she'd pass up on those events to spend time with me.

 

I really hate the idea that people don't change. I think they can if they want it bad enough and they realise they need to.

 

I think the last paragraph of yours is very true. Lied to and led along. I'm embarrassed I "fell" for it.

[Graceful]

strangeways,

I saw that your post had surfaced again, so wanted to see what was up.

 

Oh, I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything b/c it would have gone straight into the computer screen! Thank you! I wish some of the men in my life and hopefully someone who is out there waiting for me right now , will be as nice as you and so many of the guys on LS!

 

We certainly dodged a bullet. I've read your whole thread and I think you're doing incredibly well even though it may not seem it sometimes. Graceful is ALWAYS right:D.

 

Well, I do try. I have written some real doozies when I feel a little tough love is in order, but that's the risk I take in order to open someone's eyes and help them see what they need to see, not necessarily what they want to see.

 

But I do want to clarify what I meant about the idea that people do not change.

What I should have said is that no one gets a "free pass" when it comes to making a change in themselves. It takes work and effort and a strong desire. It also takes ... acknowledgment that a change is in order and that there is something wrong in the first place that needs adjustment, review, problem-solving, etc., so that the course and direction go forward to help the person.

 

Many of us have exes that just talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. They say they want to change. Pause. No action. They never really want to figure out why or where the destructive or avoidance behavior comes from. They don't have a clue how to "fix" themselves, they think it's just magic or something, or just words, presto, and they'll be different. This is why in some cases, they just "change partners" -- (this is what my ex did and had done prior to meeting me) -- he equates changing with changing partners, and tries to start "fresh" with someone new, never making even one change in himself. When my ex, or yours or anyone's ex finds someone they are successful with, it's because that new person is enabling the old behavior, or gets along with the old behavior, not because the ex has changed. In your case, as I said, she's probably with some bloke who is okay with the booze and partying. That is all.

 

As I said, if your ex finds a nice guy, just send him a wish and a prayer. He'll just end up the same way.

 

Also, I agree about Ajax. He's a real gem. So many of the men on LS are gems. I feel I am right about that! Gives me hope. Take care.

[strangeways]

This is why in some cases, they just "change partners" -- (this is what my ex did and had done prior to meeting me) -- he equates changing with changing partners, and tries to start "fresh" with someone new, never making even one change in himself. When my ex, or yours or anyone's ex finds someone they are successful with, it's because that new person is enabling the old behavior, or gets along with the old behavior, not because the ex has changed.

 

So true. For my ex at least.

 

Like hitting the reset button and thinking/hoping things be different this time.