Sugarkane Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I've posted under other forums, but no one has bothered to answer me. I was seeing a friend of a co worker over the summer. We had both been through bad breakups last year, so I'd finally met someone who understood what I'd been through. I knew he had to go back home at the end of summer to study: he lives interstate. He's been gone for a few weeks, I thought that was the end of it. But he contacted me and wanted me to come up and see him. I thought he was just joking at first. But he wasn't. He wants me to live with him. I was really flattered, nobody had ever asked me to live with them before. The problem is I'd have to move interstate where I have no family or friends. I'd be isolated and I'd have to look for a job. This would put alot of pressure on us. He doesn't seem to understand this. I don't want to over rely on him, like I did with my ex. I'd miss my home town alot. On the other hand, I hate my job here and have little reason to stay. I can't decide what to do. Am I just rebounding? Should I just go? My last relationship left me feeling cynical about relationships. I put my best effort into it and I got dumped and insulted by text. No answers, no conversation about why it ended. What should I do?
Rose T Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Hi Sugarkane. The way I see it, with your new guy, is that there really should be no rush. Moving interstate is a big deal as you say, for lots of reasons. You're being mature and taking into consideration all the aspects and the pressures it would put on your relationship. I'd guess he's being slightly less mature about the process and would just like to have you around - no bad thing, but you're the one that stands to lose more if the relationship doesn't work out. Could you try a long-distance thing for six months to see if you're on the same page? That will also show if he's willing to travel to see you, that he is prepared to be dynamic and mature about the relationship. It's an important quality and you need to find out now, before you move, if he is also prepared to make sacrifices for you as you're considering doing for him. Now the rebound question. You mention your previous break-up, although you don't say how long you were single before you met the new guy. How long were you with your ex? Do you still think about him and compare your new guy to him? Where does he live and do you still see him? The fact that he's still on your mind suggests that you are still a little bit affected by him, but it needn't spoil your new relationship if you're honest with yourself about your feelings. By the way - it's a really good sign that you are aware that you were perhaps over-reliant on your ex and don't want to make the same mistake again. Learning from our past relationships, however painfully they ended, is a huge gift we can give to ourselves. Listen to that instinct. Maybe there's also a voice in your head which says that, for this reason, you should let the new guy go and look for someone closer to home. This is also a possibility and something you should take into consideration.
Author Sugarkane Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 He keeps pressuring me, but I don't know how I feel about us. Plus he's not here which doesn't help at all.
Author Sugarkane Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 He gave me an ultimatum to book a ticket by the end of the month or thats it
Thatguyintx Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 He gave me an ultimatum to book a ticket by the end of the month or thats it And how does that make you feel? I know how I feel about ultimatums like that. It ain't good. You are in the honeymoon period of the relationship and he is giving you ultimatums? Speaking for myself, my answer would be "no thank you" and carry on.
depplover_1980 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 He gave me an ultimatum to book a ticket by the end of the month or thats it Huge warning of an insecure control freak. Count your losses and say goodbye.
Author Sugarkane Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 He contacted me and apologised for the ultimatum. He thought I'd come over right away, but I've had prior commitments so wasn't able too. He said that he wouldn't go NC on me. I'm not sure what to do, but I don't want to string him along forever either.
depplover_1980 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 It seems like you scared of being honest about what you want to me. Rose T wrote some great advice and I back that, especially regarding a trial LDR to see if absence makes the heart fonder, or pushes you apart. There really is no massive rush.
Author Sugarkane Posted April 6, 2011 Author Posted April 6, 2011 Just to make things more complicated my ex contacted me and wants to meet me. He says that he misses me. www.loveshack.org/forums/t270969/? I think if I left things as LDR, they wouldn't work out out. Fufu where are you?
Fufu Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 Are you calling me? So sorry, I will read your thread tonight, I'm still outside now.
Fufu Posted April 6, 2011 Posted April 6, 2011 You have to ask yourself are you ready for a new relationship? Are you looking for a long-term relationship? Be it ldr or not. Sometimes, we may worry about our bf/gf will hurt us or will leave us. At times, we also have to look at ourselves if we are going to hurt anyone. If one is not ready to step into a relationship, better don't, because at the end of the day, we may be the one hurting another person's feelings. This is my personal opinion. Ultimately, it is your decision
Author Sugarkane Posted April 13, 2011 Author Posted April 13, 2011 Its been two months and I'm still not sure what to do
Author Sugarkane Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Its been almost 6 months since he asked me. And I'm still ambivalent about it. Can't say that I rush into things.
broken-and-lost Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 if your not over your ex 100% don't bother you still thinking about your ex then your not ready will just be a rebound.
Author Sugarkane Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Can I please get better advice than "do what you want" and "it depends how you feel".
wilsonx Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Can I please get better advice than "do what you want" and "it depends how you feel". Or "its your choice". Then what are you looking for? Are you an adult? Make a decision in your own life without the validation of others. I would have given you all 3 of those quoted lines as an answer because its true. Take control of your own life, either take the risk and do it or don't, then read the quotes that I quoted above.
Author Sugarkane Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 But thats the problem: I don't know how I feel about him! He left before the fling turned into anything more. I've been sitting on this for months but I still can't figure out how I feel.
M2155 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 If you don't know how you feel, you need to leave it alone. Moving away to be with someone needs to be a confident decision. You need to be serious about this guy because you are giving up total independence in a way. What you need to think about is what happens if it doesn't work. Can you afford to move back? Can you afford to jump around on jobs? Would you be interested in moving there if it were not for him? Would he be willing to move for you? (not that he would but is he willing- he's putting all the risk on you). If this is a good relationship, then you two will continue in an LDR while over time he does everything to show you that he wants this serious relationship and then you will know what you want. I suspect you kind of know what you want and need reassurance, but if you REALLY don't, you aren't ready at all. I too think ultimatums are always a bad sign. My friend's girlfriend gave him an ultimatum and he said "who wants a lifetime of ultimatums?" Good point. Make sure you look deep before you leap. Good luck;)
Author Sugarkane Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 I feel that after months I should know how I feel, but I still don't. If it doesn't work, I know I can afford to move back and get another job. He wouldn't be willing to move here for me, as he's in the middle of studying. He also hates the weather here in Melbourne. In fact he wants to move even further north. I hate the idea of LDR in general. I know I can't procrastinate on this forever. Am I just self sabotaging? I feel alot of pressure from him. It also feels like I'm the only one that isn't engaged by now.
sun_moon Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Honestly, Sugarkane, you answered your own dilemma months ago, and you answered it again recently over and over. YOU DONT NEED TO GO. END OF STORY. ON TO THE NEXT ONE. You've been given great advice on how to think about this and approach your decision making. Wilson is absolutely right, stop asking for a decision and look inside yourself. Its clearly obvious to me that your uncertainty is your answer. What more do you want? 1. You involved yourself with someone when you weren't ready, and combined your baggage together to create a cluster**** of a situation and now he's gone. 2. Not sure if he's a rebound (when you stated he might have been) + stating your too emotionally dependent on others (ie ex) = REBOUND. 3. He moves away and clearly tells you he wouldn't do the same for you because of circumstance. 4. He gives you an ultimatum and threatens to end things. 5. Your entire support system and loved ones are in your home town. 6. Your uncertain of your feelings for him and if they are important enough for a move. 7. Your hate LDR. Your only pro is that you hate your job. I'm trying to understand why this has been an ongoing issue since March? Honestly Surgarkane, the issue is clear. You have to take some time away from dating period and face the reality of things, you have to work on yourself before you invest time with another. The real reason you're still battling with this and this man is because of your fear of being alone and not finding another. Just because he may have been or is your only option for now doesn't constitute you settling for less than what you want or what you need out of a partner. If you step away from the situation and what he keeps focusing on, you moving. You can start to understand and know if you want him. The question isn't about moving any more, the question should be do I want him, why am I with him, is he everything I'm looking for in a partner?
Author Sugarkane Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 There are other pros: 1. I hate where I live anyway. 2. This guy actually treats me right, unlike my exes who turned out to be players/assclowns. 3. I'm over my ex, I wouldn't get back together with him even if it was an option. 4. I can get far away from my nutty over controlling family, who never want me to leave home.
M2155 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Like Sun_Moon I am confused why you are still asking this question. I think you want to move with the guy but have some doubts because you are asking this question.I think you are coming up with alternative excuses such as getting away from home family etc... to justify something you obviously aren't committed yet to doing (or else you would have done it)I think you keep asking because you want people to tell you to go in order to validate what you already know you want to do, you just aren't confident in that decisionYou need to listen to whatever it is that is keeping you from moving ahead and address that issue. All the other stuff (I don't like my job etc) is incidental. It needs to be about building a future with your guy.I assume he is sincerely interested if you've been in a state of indecision this long. But that is a little suspect in itself if you haven't considered yourself in a LDR all this time.Just my opinion.
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