Brenda13 Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I'm new to this site and hope there may be others with similar situations - maybe not, this one is quite complicated. Husband of 11 years and I separated 4 months ago. We also run/own a company together - our office is in the home we shared, I am the one that moved out. Like some other posts I've read here, he too felt he had fallen out of love with me. We had some other issues in our marriage and agreed to separate before we got to the stage that we may hate one another. I am still very much in love with him. The separation was beyond stressful for me, grieving the loss of our relationship I have gone thru all of the emotions and am still going thru them. The first 3 months, other than working together, we spent a lot of time together as well. Having dinner together, watching movies - we even went to Vegas mid February. I will mention there has been NO intimacy since we separated. He was concerned with my stress and was always there to help me. I always had hope that we would someday rekindle our marriage. He too seemed lonely and we always have had fun whatever we do together. The past month things changed dramatically - he was no longer there for me - no invites for dinner, etc. No phones calls in the evening - would never hear from him on the weekends. I only seen him at the office. Because we share a work computer I found out that he started playing this game on Facebook - and now I learned that he is 'in lust' with this woman thru the game - SHE is married and has 2 teenage daughters. This just is not the man I knew, he has strong morals and values when it comes to marriages. This I feel is the reason he has abandoned me and now tells me now that our marriage is truly over. He doesn't know I know about this other woman or that his gaming has become a compulsion/addiction. He neglects friends, me, himself, the business and more since he started playing. I feel he is depressed, mixed up, lonely etc so this game/woman are now his escape from reality. I've asked him if he has 'moved' on and he says no, that's the last thing I need is to get into another relationship. Of course I know he is lying to me. I care about him deeply as a friend and as a friend i am concerned of his safety and well-being. He denies being hooked on this game and now hides it from me but takes his laptop out of the office everyday. Do i just let him continue down this road of destruction? I am so lost. Knowing what he is doing in the evening/weekends just breaks my heart now. I am having a hard time moving on especially now knowing someone else has captured his heart.
worldgonewrong Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 It sounds like he doesn't want the marriage to be 'rekindled' and that you are pining for something that was in the past. HE needs to change, and you can't change him; you can only change yourself.
willowthewisp Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Wow, 75 views and not one reply. Hi Brenda, Sorry for the no reply, I read your thread earlier today, I didn't reply because I honestly don't know what to advise you, I'm giving it some thought but this is a really unusual situation you are in. Anyway, I'm sorry I can't be of any help right now, just didn't want you to think you are being ignored. It's always a bit quiet on here on a Sunday, gets busy again tomorrow so I am sure you will get some help soon. Keep posting and welcome to LS, although I sure wish you didn't have to be here on this board!
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 No one "captured his heart." He's not in love with that woman. He's just loves the new booty he's getting from a married woman. Divorce him.
willowthewisp Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 No one "captured his heart." He's not in love with that woman. He's just loves the new booty he's getting from a married woman. Divorce him. Actually, yeah, I agree with this, I must have missed that bit before, the Facebook women is married, urgh, do you really want a guy who would chat with a married women?
Author Brenda13 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 No one "captured his heart." He's not in love with that woman. He's just loves the new booty he's getting from a married woman. Divorce him. If you want to call 'cyber sex' a booty call or having his ego stroked, then that is what it is.
willowthewisp Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 If you want to call 'cyber sex' a booty call or having his ego stroked, then that is what it is. Brenda, hunny, he's a fool. He is giving up a women who loves him, a wife who has stood by him for years and even after you two seperated you still went out and had fun with him, that's more than a lot of women would do, and for what? A cyper "relationship" with a married women with children who has no morality (she's cheating on her husband), getting her ego boosted by your husband. He's a fool and you deserve better.
Author Brenda13 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Brenda, hunny, he's a fool. He is giving up a women who loves him, a wife who has stood by him for years and even after you two seperated you still went out and had fun with him, that's more than a lot of women would do, and for what? A cyper "relationship" with a married women with children who has no morality (she's cheating on her husband), getting her ego boosted by your husband. He's a fool and you deserve better. Yes he is a fool. He's not dealing with reality here! He's just creating another BIG set of problems for himself and I see that. That doesn't mean it's not heartbreaking - I still love him! He is not only losing his wife, he is losing his friend by pushing me away right now - plus he will end up losing his business partner. How do I remain partners with a man I still love while I watch him sneaking around with the 'other' woman and keep the emotions out of it? It's almost impossible for me to do. I just don't know how to get out of this mess - I feel trapped.
willowthewisp Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I know you still love him. I still love my ex and it's been 2 years since he left me. As for the business depending on your company (whether private or public limited) and your articles of association can you sell your shareholding? I would suggest you see a good business solicitor and a good family solicitor and seperate your assets asap. If there is any hope for your marriage at all, he needs to feel what it is like with you gone and you need to do what is right for you, you're right, how on earth can you continue to work with him, it must be torture for you. As hard as this is (and I know, I've been there), you have no control over what he chooses to do, you can only control what you do.
Author Brenda13 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I know you still love him. I still love my ex and it's been 2 years since he left me. As for the business depending on your company (whether private or public limited) and your articles of association can you sell your shareholding? I would suggest you see a good business solicitor and a good family solicitor and seperate your assets asap. If there is any hope for your marriage at all, he needs to feel what it is like with you gone and you need to do what is right for you, you're right, how on earth can you continue to work with him, it must be torture for you. As hard as this is (and I know, I've been there), you have no control over what he chooses to do, you can only control what you do. The company is private. We are the only two that own shares. This just adds to my stress. Splitting assets is no easy task, where does the money come from? how do the bills get paid? I know I need to go talk to a professional about this as I do not have the answers. I agree with you when you say he needs to know what life would be like without me in it. Funny you mentioned that, I just had a conversation with him a few days ago and told him that I was thinking of going away for awhile. I told him that he doesn't know the reality of what his life would be like without me around 100% because since we've been separated I'm still around. He told me that I was still living with hope and that he's tried to be very honest about that. I told him that I didn't feel he was being 'honest' enough! Which I meant, he hasn't mentioned 'the other woman' - he who tells me that he is far from ready to move on to another relationship. I know I need to get my **** together ~sigh I've been living on hope for so long and this past month has been more stressful than when we first separated. I can't continue on this roller coaster or I'm going to fall hard. I am just so lonely - so hurt - just so tired of living in this nightmare.
Dad_of_3 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Hi brenda, IMO now is the time more than anything to start making some decisions in your life. Yep, no beating around the bush, splitting up/splitting assets will be hard. As you have said, you need to seek professional assistance for that. First step would be to speak to a solicitor. Im sure they would point you in the right direction. As for your business, i dont think ex couples make the best business partners. Thats purely my opinion. For me i would be thinking whether someome buys the other out or dissolving and splitting it up. As for his waywardness, i can tell you right now, no matter what you say or do will get him off what he's doing. Right now this OW is doing no wrong, she's making him feel good, saying all the right things. In his own mind he's more than likelynbuilt her up into something else. If he makes the choice to pursue that, there is lirerally nothing you can do. He's making choices and its whether you let them affect you. Yes breakups are tough, very much so because our partners are so entwined in our lives that the Moment the realisation they are No longer there shakes us up. Its like a drug we are addicted to, its the habit of knowing what once was and lile security blanket we had once so used. Having it all ripped and laid bare it very confronting and very emotional. We arent taught to deal with these typw of things in life. I dont know one person who ever was taught life lessons on dealing with breakups and heartache. We all pre-programmed that you grow up, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Goood fairytale but cettainly not reality. Your husband needs to go on his own journey, he's made his choice so it seems. Question remains what are you going to do with your decisions. From a man that talks with women online rather than the woman he has in front of him? He has got rocks in his head. Move forward, you only got this one chance at life, why have a factor in your life that brings it down. I dont see the mention of children, as i would have certainly told you the focus is on them. Seems you get a chance that alot of people dont get ... A do-over/second chance in this life. Yes it hurts, yes it sucks and no you shouldn't have to go this. But, take the lessons from all this and make that next phase in your life better for it. Whether your ww husband is at the end of the journey, by then you'll be too happy to really care. Focus on you, read up, exercise when you feel down. Make sure to eat when you can, sleep well. Its abiut taking care of number 1 right now which is you. Im certainly an advocate for reading. Suggestions: The Five Love Languages His needs/Her needs Divorcebusting Don't sweat the small stuff (and its all small stuff) It can certainlynfeel lonely when you go through all this. Even with familynand friends support. But i guess know this, even someone halfway around the world is cheering for you and wishing the best in your journey. As for not being able to do all this. You've come this far through it and i can only see you standing stronger at the end of it. Don't make a liar out of me :-p Keep posting!
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