elialane Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Hi there, I have been dating my gf for over 3 years now, and as we get older I am more and more repelled and disgusted by her family. Her Father: a completely selfish ******* who is overbearing and will not let us live our lives. My gf and I moved away after college graduation and since then her father has basically unleashed psycho-dad from hell on us. He will often call at 7 am and call over and over throughout the morning, leaving voicemails and texts, as if someone died. It always ends up being for something stupid. He meddles in her affairs ALL THE TIME. He calls to hear what grades she got in her graduate program, wants the transcripts fwded to him, wants to know her schedule each day of the week, He logs into her bank account and checks what she's been spending, when he visited I saw him rifling through ALL our drawers. and NO he isn't supporting her financially so there isnt even any valid reason for him being this ****ing invasive. When he visited here he basically hurled insults at me and her the entire time. He walked in and immediately insulted our decor and my art projects. He said things like "This may be a silly question....but why are there LANTERNS on the PORCH? I am just trying to figure out what COMPELS A PERSON TO DO THAT" or "God it STINKS in here, you dont smell that WALL OF STENCH? THE CAT WENT TO THE BATHROOM? WELL CLEAN IT UP IMMEDIATELY. ITS COMPLETELY ODIFEROUS IN HERE." He bosses us around and treats us like he is the master visiting his country estate and we are his bitch servants. I was holding my puppy while at MY dinner table and he sternly looked at me and said "PUT THAT DOG DOWN". He's also a complete racist. He says horrifying generalizations about entire groups of people, like how all muslims in their millions in existence hardly ever do anything worthwhile, but they want to kill everyone off. He's also entirely monetarily driven. He's been out of a job for several years but before that he was a CEO (who was forced out of his company...hmmmmm wonder what happened there....). So he acts completely like nothing is good enough for him, acts like he's this big millionaire (but he isnt), and thinks he is god's gift to the entire world. He has opinions on EVERYTHING and no matter what, they will be contrary to yours, and he will go out of his way to make you feel like an idiot even if its clear he is the idiot. Also, when his wife of 25 years and mother of his children was dying of lung cancer, he was going around asking people how to set up a match.com profile. She was even buried in the ground yet. Then he lost his best friend since he was 5 to cancer as well, and before his wife had died, he was already dating his best friend's widow. he makes me sick, he is morally repugnant and I believe some sort of narcissist. Then there is her *lovely* sister, who is the hipster from hell, but isn't actually a hipster. She's my age (mid twenties) but she acts like she is 60 years old, sits around her fiances house all day and watches tv and pets her cat, while living in some totally backward mining town in the middle of nowhere. She always complains NONSTOP and when she is with her father, its like this bitchfest where they both state how miserable existing is and drain any shred of good energy out of everyone. but they are always miserable about something my GF did to them, NOT about their own independent lives, they think their own independent lives are just wonderful and they brag NONSTOP about every tiny thing. They just harp on my gf and drain her emotionally. To make it worse, this girl is marrying a sexist pig who does nothing but get stoned and drunk and watch sports all day play like 20 sports fantasy leagues and call people terms like "fagpussycuntwhimp" I mean I've had to watch these people just basically rip into my gf for years now. They all say SHE is the emotional one, that SHE is the difficult one, that SHE is high strung, and her own sister said to me "I don't envy you, I couldnt date her". When really its all them, theyre the huge intolerable *******s. Also out of nowhere her sister decided to flip out on my gf recently and said how my gf had been doing nothing but using her the past few years and that she hated how much of a dramatic brat she'd been. My gf was stunned as she's never asked a single favor of her sister and never gone to her with any drama. Then the sister also stated that she so graciously "deals" with the fact that my gf is dating me. WTF? I've done nothing but be nice and hospitable to these disgusting excuses for human beings and I am so sickened by them that I cannot see ever marrying this girl--even though she is clearly the victim here. Sometimes my distaste for them is so strong I can almost see them in my gf. If she starts to use their sayings or act like them at all, I just have a very low tolerance for it. She agrees they are total d-bags but doesnt know what to do about it.I mean they are her family, they just won't ever be mine End Vent.
applefruit Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 sometimes I wonder why people have families at all. Who invented families? It seems like theres so many stories of weird and plain rude family members.I think the point of families is to realise how sadistic and truly weird anyone can be and to learn how to unconditionally love and miss sadistic twisted weirdos who love to fight with you and all your chosen friends , just because they believe they know you and are your FAMILY. so you must love them and accept being walked over and treated like dirt. I think all of us here are trying to figure out why we ended up with "loving" relatives who try over and over to ruin our lives and make us miserable.Its so strange because I wish families were kind to eachother, friendly and looked out for all their relatives. family= cult and gang. sorry I dont have better advice but dont take anything your nutso father in law says seriousely, try to avoid him as much as possible. he probably is a narcissist and I dont think theyre worth your time if they are so rude to you and her.It probably has nothing to do with you and them being rude to you is a way to get revenge at her. even cruel people have families and are born into them so their relatives suffer.
Eve Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 (edited) Well, at least you can articulate your feelings and observations! I really enjoyed reading your post. Ok, I think you would both be able to cope better if they did not come into your home. Don't let them in anymore. Thing is, you are gong to have to express your true feeling to them in order to set up a new way of interacting. After that it will be a case of maintaining the new boundaries. In total, both write down what you are going to say and then tell them. Then don't let them in. Agree that you will both review the situation in three months time. If your girlfriend wants to see them outside of your home, let her but don't go with her. She has to make a choice to stick up for herself you see and you can't make her do this. Number one rule in life - Never let someone make you repeatedly live any aspect of their life which is repugnant. That **** is what binds druggies and serial killers together. OP, without putting in place some boundaries you basically have signed up to this experience. Agree that you won't be horrid to them, in order to put her mind at rest and not stress yourself out but seriously, **** that! They sound truly ****ed up. If your girlfriend keeps going back to them, won't go into therapy about it or whatever, cut the ties and get on with your life. If you don't you could end up weakening yourself too greatly and will end up bitter. I wouldn't have any of it. BTW, the lantern idea sounds great! You sound like you have made a lovely home and if I were a parent in this scenario I would be very proud of you both. Take courage, don't take any **** from anyone. It is unnecessary. Do something else. Take care, Eve x Edited March 13, 2011 by Eve
Author elialane Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 It's so great to her from both of you some reassurance that I am not crazy here. My GF in general agrees with me but I think over the years she has built up this resistance, tolerance, and apathy for it. I don't know how that's humanly possible, but she really has. Her general approach is "well what can be done?" in a defeated way. She doesnt want to stir up trouble and I 100% see why, they are psycho. At the same time it doesnt mean that I am willing over and again to walk into the flames of judgment, criticism, insults, and psychoticness on her behalf. The thing is, I always thought I came from the messed up home life. I was raised in a pretty bleak and broken home, but my family LOVES my gf. They treat her with utter respect and adoration, we always joke that she is the daughter they never had and that they love her more than me. When I come home without her everyone is sad and wishes she were there. So it's sad I guess that I can't get any of that, or any remote type of even civility from them, I also feel it should not be me that stands up to them, it has to come from her. She's always in the past had a hard time standing up for me and it really irks me. I finally told her dad on his last day visiting that he was being rude. He looked shocked I said it and couldnt look me in the eye the rest of the time. Then 3 weeks after visiting he calls to see when he can come visit again (He came late Jan/early Feb and wants to come again in April/May ughhh) I feel bad not being involved in her family, her extended family is great there are some cousins/ aunts I like, but in general I agree with eve that I really shouldnt put myself in that unhealthy environment and If I let myself then I really only have myself to blame.
Eve Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 No, you are not crazy. I would say you are pretty observant and have a good deal of self awareness. Sometimes people change when we stand up to them. It seems like there was a bit of a shift with the Dad when you confronted him previously. That's a good sign but I agree that it is up to your girlfriend to stand up for you and herself. It sounds like everything else is ok apart from this. YAY! for you. You are doing better than many. I am glad that this isn't a regular thing that you have had to endure. I was thinking it was like every week. Seriously, this is all about planning a course of action and sticking to it.. together. You either stand out or tow the line. At least you are not a psycho. Sadly, many who have a controlling parent like your gf end up picking someone who is equally domineering. Personally, I think it is because they are unsure how to break the cycle because they think it is to do with who can shout the loudest. Nope. It is about intuition and calmly not allowing anyone to speak to you like you are ****. You seem to have the strength to lead on this. Only thing to watch out for is the temptation to really let rip when you explain how you feel. I would advise using 'I' statements in order to keep what you want to say concise and relevant. DON'T GET DRAGGED INTO THE EMOTIONAL DRAMA. It does not exist. It is wasted, undirected energy. Utilise 'I' statements to both say a sentence or two about how the behaviour has made you feel and say that this is how things are going to be until you see a change; no more visiting the home. Never listen to a bully. Really hope things work out. I hope others chip in too with advice. Take care, Eve x
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Im curious..does she fwd her graduate statements to him? Why does he have access to her bank accounts? Definitely, she needs to create boundaries. Shes an adult, and if hes not supporting her in any way with school or financially, he doesnt need to know anything beyond "hey hows school going?" "great I just aced my midterms!" "awesome!" and he has zero need to sign into her bank statements. She needs to change her password. As a guest in your home, he most definitely needs to act like one. Again, boundaries..if hes going to feel compelled to go through your things or tell either of you what to do, then hes not invited back til he understands that is you and your gfs territory..not his. Thats some wicked crazy family members though...you didnt describe your gf too much but already I can gather, she must be *absolutely amazing* cause its quite something to subject yourself to a family like that to be with her lol
Author elialane Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback and perspective, its really helping me learn how to deal with it in an emotional way instead of what I had been doing which was this: Burying the resentment deep inside while silently taking the abuse leaving to take lots of "naps" when they came as a way to stop myself from screaming at them finally Bitterly telling my gf how horrible they are for weeks after. The thing about crazy people is that they don't realize they are crazy. If you stand up to them, then you are the one with the problem, if you take their abuse, you are still the one with the problem. They put all their problems/issues on you and let you carry the load---so of course they are completely thrilled with the situation and think their lives are just dandy--they get to act like petulant children and now they dont have just 1 punching bag, they have 2!! It's like a test, if I dont take the punches like my gf has all these years then they see it as me being a bitch. If she stands up them about herself too then they see it as me controlling her b/c before me she was just their nonstop punching bag. They are her family, nothing will change that and she should of course always be in their lives, but they have some sick dynamics going on that I personally need to draw a boundary with. The only thing is I cannot exactly draw these boundaries alone. If I do, again, I look like an insane bitch who isnt cooperative with her family, and the fact that she still hasnt drawn a boundary shows that she isnt in compliance with my opinion (even if she is and is just afraid). So I either take the brunt of it with her or I stand alone and become a target to them. gahhhh haha and yes last poster my gf is great, she's nothing like them and I dont see how sometimes but then I remember these people didnt become this way without someone to batter and hurt constantly---leaving my gf as sort of this peacemaker/victim who is targeted as the emotional bitch. It's just horrifying to watch, they will unleash on her and if she reacts any way negatively at ALL then they both go "well you're just overreacting" as a way to disregard her feelings of self-worth and send the message that she owns the problem and not them... I mean as great as she is, the whole "package deal" you marry the family thing haunts me. I dont think I couldve hand picked a worse set of people. The stories ive told you really barely scratch the tip of the iceberg, its humanly impossible to remember the huge amounts of insults ive taken. including some personally directed at my race, intelligence, and class. Oh also thank god we are away from the region where they live, but still her father calls nonstop and my gf never establishes a boundary, she just ignores the calls, causing him to call MORE AND MORE with more desperate and inane things to say/unload upon her. He just keeps pushing the boundaries. This week alone he has called/stalked her about her taxes . She told him SHE would take care of it, but instead he logged into her accounts and began harrassing her about it. She reminded him she was doing it and he began to tell her how difficult taxes were and how she needed to set a time to speak with him and would 5pm-7pm work and all this. Then he called a few more times to check on her progress even though she said "i will call you if i need anything". Then a day later he wanted to know about some trip he wants to take with her in the summer. Then a couple days pass and now he wants to know about some winter vacation for next year. he just keeps pushing.
Author elialane Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 oh also I know in some way I am already becoming immune to some of their toxic dynamics b/c recently for our graduation my family came and met with her family. I could see my family begin to squirm and become VERY uncomfortable. Afterwards my father said to me "well that was awkward wasn't it?" and I said "What?" and he said "Well they all started to yell at rebecca about picking a meal" and I said "Oh thats not awkward that always happens" and he said "really you were fine with that? I saw you stiffen up uncomfortably when it happened" which i didnt recall which looking back I can see that my dad was right, it wasnt ok, I was just used to this treatment.
ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Okay, what you have here with your gf is a partnership...and in a partnership one of the major things that should be a part of it is that you have each others back and support. She really *really* needs to have your back in this, not only because its something you both agree with on that this is something you cant live with, but also because this is *her* family and so what she puts up with/lets slide sets the tone of what they will do/cross boundaries. Yes it will be tough and Im sure she in no way wants to cross her family, but if she doesnt, her dad will run her life for the rest of his life or worse yet hers. And thats no way for both of you to live. A close friend of mine was with her bf for nearly 20 years...his dad called all the shots and ran the show..he didnt propose to marry my friend only because he didnt want to deal with how his dad would react, cause he never totally accepted her even though she was completely loyal and decvoted and loved this guy. Everyone figured once his dad passed away, they would be married within the year. As it turned out...he died first. So much for best laid plans...so, do you really want to put off setting boundaries and living your lives as functioning adults capable of making your own decisions? I hope not... cause you and her have every right to do so, and should exercise that right, no matter whose feelings it hurts, the life you two share is yours to live, not her dads or anyone elses.
DaisyLeigh Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 If she won't stand up for herself, or you, then run like hell and DO NOT MARRY this girl. Run like the citizens of Tokyo fleeing Godzilla. See, I am meaner than you. I would have told that cretin father of hers to **** off and die right a LONG time ago.
Author elialane Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Talk about pertinent timing to do this post. Today her father called and texted incessantly wanting us to give him the days for next christmas that we can come on a trip with him. The trip is 9 months away, seriously. When Rebecca told him this and told him to go ahead and make plans without her since we dont yet know our schedule he got very upset and said "rebecca it doesnt work like that, I need to book the bedrooms in the house. It isn't that hard just check your schools website and tell me the break times" She then explained that we also need to plan other things not just be freely available our entire winter break, I mean I have a family too. Initially my GF just wanted to tell him she would go but I couldnt make it. I told her that wasnt exactly team work and she was still allowing him to control her while making me seem like the estranged partner. I left the apartment and hours later she said she would set boundaries with her father. She's also seen this forum and everyones input. An hour later the first test came where he demanded her schedule 9 months from now for this trip. She kept wanting to just give in to him, and I told her 9 months ahead of time it cannot possibly be *this urgent* that it must be decided today. He was just pushing her and people keep pushing as long as they get results. I mean I shouldnt have to SAY these things . It feels like she tells me she agrees with me but when it comes to action, she crumbles and sort of just leaves me to fend for myself while she gives in to their demands. She finally agreed to tell her dad "if you must know this moment, then we will just pass on going on the trip". He replied "Ok well I can wait a couple weeks but then airline tickets get expensive" She wanted to say "ok" but I told her this is just him backing off for 2 weeks so you can have the same throw down 2 weeks from now and he can bully you into coming by guilting you saying he waited on cheap flights b/c of you. And seriously I am supposed to plan my winter break with my family 2 weeks from now?? I am quickly losing patience, I dont know how much more clear I can be, now that I have the feedback from others not in this situation, I am more sure than ever this isn't healthy. She knows this and keeps allowing it. I mean what will it TAKE? I suggested she say things to her father that some health sites have suggested saying like "you seem upset, are you ok?" and she looks terrified and says "I would never say that to him" I said "what would u say?" and she said "I would say, 'You are stressing me out'" and I pointed out that just keeps the problem on HER, the problem and responsibility needs to be handed to him, but she will not do it.
Author elialane Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) also to put things into perspective, I am not just harping on this trip. This trip harassment alone would be tolerable, but this is the THIRD trip this week he has tried to make. First he called and said he wanted to visit in april. He didn't ASK, he said he was planning to book tickets and wanted her exam schedule.... didnt even ask if he could come or say he missed her or anything, just that he would be returning. THEN he called again saying he wanted to book tickets with her to russia this summer and that he needed the dates asap b/c he "might" have a job by then. Now he stalk called about this winter trip. It's uncanny. Edited March 14, 2011 by elialane
ReturnToSender Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) Something to keep in mind is that a lifetime of allowing herself to be treated this way by her dad and the lack of boundaries isnt going to resolve itself and change in an instant. Personally, I think its a *big huge massive very cool* step of progress that she was able to stand up to him and tell him that if he needs the answer on the trip now then you guys are going to pass. Relax, cut her some slack, congratulate and encourage her while youre at it. At this point you have time...not 2 weeks, thats what her dad said...you have time because you two have all the power to take the time you need to make plans for winter holiday. When he does bring it up again, youve both had 2 weeks to figure out what you want to do and how youre going to say it, possibly letting him know you would like to make plans to come out and will let him know once youve solidified plans with your family, and give him a timeframe like we'll talk to you about it in Oct. Set the boundary and refuse to talk about it with him before then. If he keeps pushing it, repeat what you said tonight, if we have to decide now, then Im afraid we are going to have to pass on the trip. Dont do it out of spite and wait so long that plans really cant be made, the whole point really is to have a chance to coordinate plans with your family too and hes just going to have to respect that. If he doesnt want to, then oh well. Thats it. Anyway...I think its really awesome that your gf was able to stand up to her father. That must have been really hard, and its a great step in the right direction. It also shows how much respect she has for you and the relationship between you. Awesome on all levels. Now its just a matter of continuing to take these steps, and *most importantly* backing up what she says with action..cause if she gives in then what bit of boundary that was built will be ripped away in that instant. And for you, I know youre at wits end here, but make sure to appreciate what she *is* doing, cause if you harp on her for what she shouldve, couldve, wouldve done and keep on her how you think she should have handled things the way youre telling her to...guess who you start to sound like? Ouch! Have faith in her that she has the strength in her to handle this..work *together* and encourage that. Im rooting for you guys...! Edited March 14, 2011 by ReturnToSender
Eve Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) What returntosender said.. Well done the both of you. Remember to hold on to your humour through this as you stick together. The personal qualities you both have are very endearing indeed. Don't let anyone usurp those qualities for themselves. I think Dad is a bit OCD with his planning and should quit treating you both as part of his schedule. I really am hoping that once these boundaries are in place he will maybe learn to open up more and not feel as though his daughter is going to crumble if he doesn't sort everything out for her. Clearly she can make sound decisions and has grown into a pleasant young woman. Gosh! he doesn't know how lucky he is to have her! Some kids nowadays are really ungrateful and rude. You have analysed the situation well. Keep supporting each other. In the long run this experience will strengthen you both in other areas of your life too. Keep searching together for the right approach. Some basic info on using 'I' statements - http://www.communicationandconflict.com/i-statements.html .. Well done for looking up health sites to help out. Now, go to the cinema or do something fun! Keep us updated. You are both being very brave indeed. Eventually all this will become second nature and most importantly, you will be able to live authentically. People tend to respect this in others and will see that you are not being nasty because the temperaments you seem to both have will be free to shine through. Sounds like you are both well matched. Keep believing in each other. Take care, Eve x Edited March 14, 2011 by Eve
Author elialane Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 haha thanks you two! I know we must pace ourselves and I am super proud of her today, I'm just weary of the future and if she might back down. I also hate being the one to prod her stand up for herself b/c like returntosender pointed out, it makes me just like him, she has someone else basically bullying her. I want more than anything to stay out of it entirely, but it just doesnt seem to work out that way since they are family and family is invasive and personal just in nature. So i guess i just feel stuck bw a rock and a hard place. If I hadnt talked with my gf im not sure most boundaries would've been drawn but bc i spoke to her about it i feel like i altered/forced her into a behavior she would not have otherwise done. I think she hopes it will disappear on its own this issue. Ive been reassured for years now things like "well, just sit through this dinner and you wont have to see them again" "well, just 3 more days and then the trip is over and we wont travel with them again" "well just 1 more month and then we will move across the nation and never have to deal with this again" "well he cant possibly visit more than 3 times a year and we wil just deal with him. and I will go back east for holidays while you just go to texas." Now that we are here i feel his presence more than ever. Also (understandably) when she is around him or talking to him she gets very very upset, frustrated, and angry and will be in a bad mood for hours after. also the rest of my life i do not want to spend our holidays driven apart or basically be the refugee partner. i definitely think a sense of humor will help this workout and some destressing. We went to get some iced soy chai latte's after his recent ordeal and felt much better and all the strain melted away. its amazing how much a parent or family member can really hurt a relationship b/w two otherwise happy ppl
Eve Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I don't think some people realise what they are doing is hurtful.. it's just a routine to them. Yeah, I can see why you would be worried about the future but I don't think there is a direct answer to this. On reflection, I was to lead on changes that needed to be made concerning family members who got on our nerves. My Hubby is really really laid back and would be like, 'well, it won't hurt to do' .. whatever. I felt run down sometimes because of his lack of 'umph'. He changed over time but it has been a slow process. Within this time I have taken on some of his characteristics as well as he taking on some of mine. Our humour has kept us on top of things though.. especially with the whole raising children thing. But it has worked out; they are better versions of us. Sometimes we feel a bit bruised, not sure we can excape that altogether. Take things a day at a time. If it's not your gf's Dad, it will be something else. H'm, there was something about my Hubby that made me stick with it. I love him completely, even his weak bits but he knows not to **** with me too much, lol. It's a dance that takes time to form. Draw your boundaries. I hope that your girl is able to shake off being controlled, over time. If not, this will be the life your children will inherit also... if of course you go down that path. Take care, Eve x
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