Rose T Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 So I just had a week overseas with work and there were a lot of hot men around. I didn't get any numbers but, 3 months after my break-up, I've realised I'd quite like to dip my toes in the dating waters. First up, I have to admit, I am a bit scared. Last week I was chatting to a really nice guy and just felt that little rush of fancying someone again (no, didn't get his number - it was a work thing and he was attached... I just noticed he was cute) but I feel really.. goofy at the moment. It seems complicated finding nice, attractive single people in the first place... never mind going out with them. I suppose what I need from you guys is any tips about getting back into it. I've joined a dating site despite my reservations about online stuff (encountered a lot of dishonesty in the past) and was recently in contact with quite a sweet guy. My ex keeps popping into my head though. We were together nearly 5 years, he cheated and I dumped him (had to, really) just before Christmas. I'm 35, no kids. Is that because it's too early? Or because this new internet guy is just not right for me? I have the feeling that they're only really rebounds if you don't like them enough... in theory, the right guy should blow my ex out of the water.... right? Hmm. On reading this back I'm wondering if I'm ready. Just want to get my ex off that pedestal once and for all though and get back into the real world. Any thoughts?
carhill Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 If you can see two people kissing and not think about your ex, you might be ready. If you can see your ex kissing another woman and not have a marked reaction to it, you're definitely ready. The right guy shouldn't have to 'blow your ex out of the water' because your ex is irrelevant. Irrelevance is where you meet health. If you're comparing, it's not healthy and IMO you shouldn't be wasting the man's time. All that said, if you want companionship and sex without 'strings' during your healing, date casually, have sex casually if that's your style and be clear about 'no commitment'. That way, if things go sideways for you emotionally, you can exit with a clear conscience and minimal fallout. If a woman tells me 'I'm just out of a LTR/M and my BF/H cheated on me and I'm not looking for anything serious', I'd take that as good information and respect her for being honest. I might date her, but I wouldn't invest any significant emotions (care/empathy/bonding) into her since her circumstances are nebulous. If she 'complained' about her ex at all, I'd be gone. One datapoint
Author Rose T Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Hello Carhill! How nice to have you comment on my thread. Yes, I definitely see what you mean about the "comparing" stuff. I probably need to do some more work on accepting the permanence of my break-up. My ex lives in the same city and I feel like I'm bracing myself for bumping into him; he's also been reaching out via email with a few mixed messages (despite being in a new relationship with the OW from our break-up) although I'm pretty good at NC. When I see couples being cute in the streets, I think, "aw! that's what it should be like!" However, if I saw my ex with his new girl (the OW in our break-up) I think it would still be a bit tough, largely because of the resonance their relationship has for me. Anyway. Coffee dates or a couple of meetings shouldn't do anyone any harm, right? I know myself pretty well, I think I'll be pretty honest and cut things short if I don't feel comfortable or believe it's got any future. I tend to have a more "independent" healing style, so I'm not really looking for hook-ups. I just think I need to test the waters, see if I can still swim...
carhill Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Example: My exW of five months stopped by a couple days ago to get the pink slip for her car so she could sell it and drove up in a nice shiny new one. No jealousy there. Not intimidated nor any negative feelings about our chit chat 'catching up'. However, if I saw her kissing the guy she's been living with since around the time we divorced, I'd probably still have a reaction, so I'd put myself between 'maybe' and 'definitely'. I've dated over the past year and never thought about my exW once during the dates nor even mentioned her, other than in response to questions about my M. Perhaps differently than yourself, I'm relationship-centric and don't really enjoy 'casual' dating or 'casual' sex, so I've been pretty direct when asked about my relationship style and I'm sure that's limited things somewhat. YMMV. I'd say get your feet wet and keep a towel nearby
Author Rose T Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Perhaps differently than yourself, I'm relationship-centric and don't really enjoy 'casual' dating or 'casual' sex, so I've been pretty direct when asked about my relationship style and I'm sure that's limited things somewhat. YMMV. I'd say get your feet wet and keep a towel nearby Thanks. I actually think I'm pretty similar, I'd be going on dates with a view to finding something rewarding and someone to whom I can commit, but as my last relationship was a pretty big deal to me and the fall-out was unpleasant, I'm trying to be realistic about the amount of emotional baggage I still have on board. I'm also aware of mistakes I've made in the past (perhaps becoming attached to unsuitable people too quickly) so TBH it might be good for me to spend some time with different people and try and make a healthier call this time around. With or without waterwings.
Fern Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Be careful with the internet stuff. I had a really good date just after Xmas with a guy I met online but he started acting like we were MARRIED after one nice date. He actually started making me feel really uncomfortable and I had to ask him to stop contacting me in February. He still periodically tries to initiate contact again and I just ignore him. The whole thing kind of put me off internet dating. Though it was a hugely welcome ego boost at a time when my ego was at a very low ebb. Just be careful what expectations the other person is coming into it with. On the up side, I learned that I'm nowhere near ready for anything serious yet and that desperation is very, very unsexy. Two valuable lessons.
Author Rose T Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Thanks Fern. I've had disappointing results with the internet in the past - a lot of sleaze and dishonesty TBH - and I take your point entirely! The one site I'm on I need a subscription to reply so I'm just taking my time at the moment. One whiff of desperation and I'll be gone, there's nothing worse is there to make you think of your hard-to-get ex... Anyway, easy does it.
D78 Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Hey Rose T! I'm glad to hear you are doing well I don't have answers for your questions, as I'm dealing with the same uncertainties. I wanted to say that I don't think you should view thoughts of your ex as an indication of whether someone new is right for you. 5 years is a really long time to be in a relationship. It's normal to think of him, but I think it will fade over time. Tomorrow is my 4 month anniversary of single life, which I'm actually enjoying at this point. But still, at least once a week, something really strange happens to me that reminds me of my ex. No matter how far I run from him, he's right around the corner. My good friend says it's the universe trying to tell me something, but he's too romantic and I say f the universe if it's gonna be like that Good luck. If you get any good advice, please share!
Author Rose T Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Hey Rose T! I'm glad to hear you are doing well I don't have answers for your questions, as I'm dealing with the same uncertainties. I wanted to say that I don't think you should view thoughts of your ex as an indication of whether someone new is right for you. 5 years is a really long time to be in a relationship. It's normal to think of him, but I think it will fade over time. Tomorrow is my 4 month anniversary of single life, which I'm actually enjoying at this point. But still, at least once a week, something really strange happens to me that reminds me of my ex. No matter how far I run from him, he's right around the corner. My good friend says it's the universe trying to tell me something, but he's too romantic and I say f the universe if it's gonna be like that Good luck. If you get any good advice, please share! Hey D78! Good to hear from you. I was thinking of your recent thread, had some good dating advice as I recall! (I still haven't located a friend to turn into a boyfriend yet, lol, but I'm working on it! Don't forget to chat up some complete strangers ) I just hit my three month anniversary of single life and I'm aware that this break-up is still breaking my hypothetical balls . I have good days when I manage to flirt with a few people and then get home or see something and the tears flow. It's really exhausting. I have also had a few of my friends act a bit flakily and it's frustrating when you're trying to get out there again but people aren't reliable with social arrangements. On the other hand, I've sort of popped back up into these peoples' lives so I don't want to come off as a hypocrite - I was rubbish with friends in my last relationship... lesson learned. There's this one guy on the dating site (who I can't reply to yet) who's sent me three emails in the past 24 hours and I'm now wondering if he's more crazy than cute. He also lives 200 miles away so even if we try to go for coffee it'll be complicated? And I hate long distance relationships... sigh. I do wonder if I'm not really ready. I suspect I think that a new guy would help cure my ex anxiety and sidestep flaky friends, but I'm not sure if those reasons are good. Anyway. I keep telling myself I'm never more than 12 hours away from potentially meeting someone good. Wish the spring would hurry up and arrive! Anyway, one thing I have learned is that you can meet interesting people when you're alone (especially in the daytime, obviously!) so having a group to hang with isn't everything. Fern and D78, keep me posted on your hot dates! (You too, Carhill!)
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