darlingBuhnee Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 It's been a month since D day and I feel weak just thinking about everything that's happened since I found out. My H and I were married just this past Oct 31, 2010. It was such a beautiful day and I was so happy. Now when I think about our wedding it just makes me sick to my stomach. We've been together for 6 years My H told me Feb 9, 2011 that he had "met" someone and was interested in pursuing a relationship with this OW. Needless to say I was shocked and believed that his honesty and openness was the right thing to do. We talked about it and he said that he wanted to be with me and that we should work things out. The next day I came home feeling down and upset by all the information that he told me (that he had a spiritual connection and she might be his soul mate). He assured me that he was committed to making things work and that he had NOT engaged in any physical contact. Breathing a sigh of relief I felt like I could move past this. We made love several times that night and went to sleep. On that Friday as we were getting ready to fall asleep I asked my H if he still thought of the OW and wanted to be with her. To my shock he said yes and that he still wanted to see where things would go with her. I cried myself to sleep, but before I did I said to him that if he wanted to be with her then he would have to leave and file for a divorce. He said nothing. Saturday the 12th I went to work. I called and texted him just to say that I loved him and I wanted to work things out if we could. He finally answered the phone and told me that he was moving his things out of our house and leaving me. I begged him to wait till I was done with work so I could come home and talk. He agreed to stay and wait When I got home he wasn't there. I waited and hour and he came in. Almost immediately he said to me "I will have your friend come by to check on you. I will be leaving". I was hysterical at this point. I know that some of the books you read tell you not to beg, but I was full on pleading. Many hours passed and many words spoken. There were no reasons other then he felt that he needed to be with her. All of his things were packed and moved into her house. It was heartbreaking. There are no words to describe the pain I was in. The hurt, unbearable. As the conversation was ending I said to him that if being with her was what he wanted then there was nothing I could do but to let him go. He asked if he could call his mother and I agreed. When he came back in the room he said, "My mom said, if you feel any love left in this marriage then give it a chance". He asked me "Do you want to make our marriage work?" I screamed "yes". That's when he told me.............. He had been seeing this OW for over a month and had sex twice. She knew he was married and wanted to be with him, feeling he was her soul mate. My reaction was not like most. I was relieved and hopeful. I cannot say that I feel the same today. Today I feel alone, extremely sad and tormented. I can't get over the mental picture of the two of them together. I constantly barrage him with questions (which the counselor says is normal). I cry every day and I can't even talk about it with anyone. I haven't told my family and only a few coworkers know, due to work related need. I feel like I am never going to be able to get over what has happened. He has hurt me so badly. We are still together and he says now that this affair has brought us closer together. He can't promise that he won't cheat again, but he never cheated on me before. He says that he loves me more then anyone in the world and that i'm the most amazing wife. Yet, I don't believe him. I can't get this sick feeling out of my stomach. I can't forget that he was holding and kissing her. That they talked about their future together. I want to move past this. I love him........in fact somehow, I love him more. We have sex several times a day. I desire him even more. I am hoping that time heals my broken heart. Although, a glass that is broken can never be put back together as beautiful as it once was
Summer Breeze Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 There's very little I can say to you hon. I knew I couldn't deal with what you're going through so I ended things when I found out xH cheated. That's not right for everyone but I knew myself well enough to know what my future would have looked like. I can't pretend to understand why you'd want to chance someone who clearly says he can't guarantee he won't cheat again. To me that's him telling you it'll happen and if you accept it you're giving him a free pass for the next time. Just my opinion. Please take care of yourself.
Author darlingBuhnee Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 He said that he "promised me" before that he would never cheat on me and he feels guilty that he didn't keep that promise. I don't think he's looking for a free pass per say. Just not wanting to make empty promises. I would not wish a cheating spouse on anybody. It is very painful
WorldIsYours Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 The only reason he cheated was because he wanted to. It had nothing to do with you or how the relationship was. It's all on him. And from what you posted he's very disrespectful. You can't let this guy disrespect you so much. Him saying how his affair brought you guys closer? You need to leave him. I know this is a shock to you but you can't be desperate around him. You need to cut him off and show him that you won't put up with his seflishness and immaturity. Stop having sex with him and begin your healing process. If you don't stand up to him, he'll just keep doing what he's doing: Lying and cheating on you.
Jonah Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I am so sorry to read of this selfish monster that you are living with. His mommy must have really spoiled the punk. Betcha he treats his mom like dirt too... he probably takes after his daddy. The sooner you close the door on this part of your life, the sooner another door will open for you revealing bright sunshine and a promising future! You did not fail. He failed. Announce your pending divorce immediately and get that behind you so you don't have to fret that. Everyone will understand, will hate this jerk, and hold your hand until you can be okay. There is plenty of sweet guys out there that would be thrilled to belong to you. Please keep your sweetness and don't become bitter. You are not alone. -Jonah
hopesndreams Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 The OW, his "soulmate" didn't want him full-time and that's why he is with you now. Maybe next month, next year or 5 years from now, another "soulmate" will come into the picture and he will leave you for her if she wants him. By that time, you will perhaps have a child or 2 which would triple your heartbreak. A family broken. It's in the cards. He has already proved what he is capable of and has even admitted he may cheat again, if/when the opportunity to do so presents itself. Why stick around for this? Is this LOVE? H*ll no!! Prove you love yourself more than this a**hat! Don't lose your self-esteem and self-worth by staying with a cheater. There are no children at this point. Get him out of your life now and save yourself future pain & misery.
Author darlingBuhnee Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 actually, she did want him full time. He had moved his things into her house. On D day, he decided that he had wanted to give us a real chance, by coming clean with his admissions. I asked him to not go to her house and pick up his things that night, to wait till the next day. He agreed. When he went to "break it off" with her she was sad, upset, angry. All things that she should rightly be. Did I care about her feelings? NO. Did I want her to feel hurt. No less then I had felt. Infidelity is in no way "easy". Every day is a process and every case is different. My choice is not the the simplest. I don't think any decision is. Cheating = heartbreak. Maybe not for all involved but for someone. My H and I take one day at a time. Maybe divorce is in the future, maybe not. I hope not. I love him, he loves me. No two people walk the exact same path. We may travel the same road together but our footsteps do not fall onto each other. Thank you for the support, feedback and the interest in my life. It is helpful in this sad and dark time
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 actually, she did want him full time. He had moved his things into her house. On D day, he decided that he had wanted to give us a real chance, by coming clean with his admissions. I asked him to not go to her house and pick up his things that night, to wait till the next day. He agreed. When he went to "break it off" with her she was sad, upset, angry. All things that she should rightly be. Did I care about her feelings? NO. Did I want her to feel hurt. No less then I had felt. Infidelity is in no way "easy". Every day is a process and every case is different. My choice is not the the simplest. I don't think any decision is. Cheating = heartbreak. Maybe not for all involved but for someone. My H and I take one day at a time. Maybe divorce is in the future, maybe not. I hope not. I love him, he loves me. No two people walk the exact same path. We may travel the same road together but our footsteps do not fall onto each other. Thank you for the support, feedback and the interest in my life. It is helpful in this sad and dark time The fact that he moved his stuff to be with her shows how effortlessly he threw away the marriage. You don't need someone like that who'll throw you away so easily by cheating and moving in with the person he screwed you over with. Make him face the consequences. He has no respect for you.
ComputerJock Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 1. Get tested for full range of STDs. 2. If not already on birth control get on it now before you get pregnant, even later if you have a child he is capable of dumping you and the child for another SOUL MATE. You are no longer his wife, you are his backup plan, the piece of azz when he gets horny or his next SOUL MATE cuts him off, and trust me there will be others. You have given him a free pass. Look up the 180 steps.
summerdowling87 Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I'm sorry I disgree and, I maybe wrong but if he truly loves you why would he hurt you so badly in the first place? Love should feel good it should be the best thing in the world even more whe you get married. It shouldn't bring you pain or hurtfullness or nsadness. I'm sorry about how you are feeling I wish that apon no one
hopesndreams Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 In what ways has he shown remorse? You have "won" him back from OW and shouldering all the blame for his straying. He gets to sit back while you act out in desperation mode, twisting yourself into a pretzel and no doubt the hysterical bonding, sex, is awesome. You will do whatever it takes to make him happy and so afraid to step out of line. He owns you now. That isn't love.
Bittersweetie Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Has he gone NC with the OW? Has he fully answered all those questions you barrage him with? Is he completely open with his email, phone, where he is, etc? If he is doing all these things, maybe there is a chance at reconciliation. Though for him to say that the affair has brought you closer together...that just rubs me the wrong way. I think my H and I are closer now than we were before...but that is after over a year of really, really hard work and communication and therapy, especially for me (the WS). Being closer a month after d-day? He hasn't had time to put in the work that will rebuild your trust in him yet. He hasn't had time to examine himself to ask why he did this. Some people know right away that they cannot stay with a cheater, while others are not so sure, both paths are valid. But if you're not sure, then wait to make a decision...but wait for yourself, not for him. Wait so YOU know that YOU made the best decision for YOURSELF.
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 This guy is an idiot. Find someone better. I keep reading this story over and over and it's just sick how this guy treats you. You can't let him have so much power over you.
Author darlingBuhnee Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 [Has he gone NC with the OW? Has he fully answered all those questions you barrage him with? Is he completely open with his email, phone, where he is, etc? If he is doing all these things, maybe there is a chance at reconciliation.] The day after D day he went to her house to "break" it off and pick up his things. He says that she tried to get him to stay, but he left. She sent him 2 angry emails on Valentines day (from what he said). Since then there has been NC at all. I am trying to trust, but it's hard. He reassures me every day that there isn't any communication. He dislikes her, for the fact that she slept with him knowing that he was married. Cheater isn't the only one in the wrong. He's open and honest about his phone, email and such. He's making an effort. And yes, he answers all of the questions I barrage him with. We are in couples counseling and really, i'm just taking one day at a time. Some of you say that it's not love............well i'm just trying to figure things out
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 The day after D day he went to her house to "break" it off and pick up his things. He says that she tried to get him to stay, but he left. She sent him 2 angry emails on Valentines day (from what he said). Probably over there giving her one last screwing or something. You should've told him to stay his ass over there. He dislikes her, for the fact that she slept with him knowing that he was married. Another red alarm. He dislikes her? No, he and her wanted to have the affair. He's trying to blameshift.
20Seconds Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 You say you were together for 6 years and you believe he was faithful during that time - but you recently got married. This seems like too much of a coincidence to me. I would say your H cannot cope with the fact that he is married and the additonal committment that this entails. You need to understand why he had this affair. He needs to understand why he had this affair. It is nothing to do with you - it is to do with him being married. The "soulmates" thing is rubbish. He needed to have an affair for some reason. What was it? If you can get this sorted out with him now, you may stand some chance of a future together. Don't brush his reasons for the affair under the rug with all this talk of soulmates, or it won;t be long before another one appears.
Brokenlady Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 [The day after D day he went to her house to "break" it off and pick up his things. He says that she tried to get him to stay, but he left. She sent him 2 angry emails on Valentines day (from what he said). Why didn't he let you read them yourself? I get the impresson he's not letting you have access to his stuff (cell phone, email, etc) He dislikes her, for the fact that she slept with him knowing that he was married. That is such BS. He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. He didn't dislike her when he was moving his stuff to her place. How did he go from "soulmate" to wh*re? C'mon, it just smells funny. If he can't even be honest about his feelings, then I wonder what else he's lying about. JMO, but cheating at early in the M is not a good sign.....
kevin new forest Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Oh hell above are you seriously going to disrespect yourself to this degree? Why on earth yould you try and wait for a cheat who says he will change? Whether he does or not, it will always linger in your mind. What did you do to make him cheat? Nothing, so why won't he do it again? He could. Bin. Move on.
Author darlingBuhnee Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Probably over there giving her one last screwing or something. You should've told him to stay his ass over there. Another red alarm. He dislikes her? No, he and her wanted to have the affair. He's trying to blameshift. wow! A bit harsh, don't you think. I don't believe that he went over there to "screw" her. He called me when he finished picking up his stuff and we met up for dinner with a friend of ours to talk. I didn't want him to stay with the OW and I didn't want to break up. We are trying to reconcile. As for being together for 6 years. No, he's never cheated on me. I believe him on this. He is trying to come to an understanding on why he cheated and what brought him to have the A. [i would say your H cannot cope with the fact that he is married and the additonal committment that this entails.] I feel like this must have been an issue, as we were only married not even 4 months and he had an A.
WorldIsYours Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 wow! A bit harsh, don't you think. I don't believe that he went over there to "screw" her. He called me when he finished picking up his stuff and we met up for dinner with a friend of ours to talk. I didn't want him to stay with the OW and I didn't want to break up. We are trying to reconcile. Wasn't my intention to be harsh. If anyone's harsh, it is your husband. It's only been a month. Give yourself time alone to heal and think about things. As for being together for 6 years. No, he's never cheated on me. I believe him on this. He is trying to come to an understanding on why he cheated and what brought him to have the A. The understanding is already there: Pure selfishness. I feel like this must have been an issue, as we were only married not even 4 months and he had an A. No matter how long you were married or together. He did that mess on his own and there is no excuse for it. You can't let him have any wiggle room.
Author darlingBuhnee Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 [/b] Wasn't my intention to be harsh. If anyone's harsh, it is your husband. It's only been a month. Give yourself time alone to heal and think about things. The understanding is already there: Pure selfishness. I agree. He was selfish. He thought in the moment and only about himself. I appreciate him being forthright about the A, as painful as it's been. I know that he's remorseful about everything and that he wants to make amends. No matter how long you were married or together. He did that mess on his own and there is no excuse for it. You can't let him have any wiggle room. I'm hoping over time and sessions with our counselor we can work through this. No "wiggle" room here. He knows he has to make an effort and he is. As for what "would" I have done if this was prior to our getting married. I don't know and I can't say for sure that it would have been option A or option B. Every couple deals with different stuff. Maybe in some peoples opinion I am making a mistake and should just leave. Well, that would be easy. I married this man because I love him and if he has any love for me then i'm going to give it 200%. Whether it works out or not in the end. Otherwise, why did I marry him? He F***** up!!! Do I hate him for it? No. Does it hurt like H***? Yes!! My course is to see if this R is salvageable. We may not have been married for those 6 years, but it still means something to both of us. I can't walk away from this
WorldIsYours Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I'm hoping over time and sessions with our counselor we can work through this. No "wiggle" room here. He knows he has to make an effort and he is. As for what "would" I have done if this was prior to our getting married. I don't know and I can't say for sure that it would have been option A or option B. Every couple deals with different stuff. Maybe in some peoples opinion I am making a mistake and should just leave. Well, that would be easy. I married this man because I love him and if he has any love for me then i'm going to give it 200%. Whether it works out or not in the end. Otherwise, why did I marry him? He F***** up!!! Do I hate him for it? No. Does it hurt like H***? Yes!! My course is to see if this R is salvageable. We may not have been married for those 6 years, but it still means something to both of us. I can't walk away from this Yes you married him and said vows but he didn't honor them, and trashed them with even more disrespect. And he did all of this early in the marriage. He needs to give 200% for now, not you. Don't rush into this because you're in shock.
bentnotbroken Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 You need to be careful. It seems you are intent on staying, based on what you posted...God help you.
WorldIsYours Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 You need to be careful. It seems you are intent on staying, based on what you posted...God help you. She'll realize she's making the wrong move sooner or later.
PhoenixRise Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 [Has he gone NC with the OW? Has he fully answered all those questions you barrage him with? Is he completely open with his email, phone, where he is, etc? If he is doing all these things, maybe there is a chance at reconciliation.] The day after D day he went to her house to "break" it off and pick up his things. He says that she tried to get him to stay, but he left. She sent him 2 angry emails on Valentines day (from what he said). Since then there has been NC at all. I am trying to trust, but it's hard. He reassures me every day that there isn't any communication. He dislikes her, for the fact that she slept with him knowing that he was married. Cheater isn't the only one in the wrong. He's open and honest about his phone, email and such. He's making an effort. And yes, he answers all of the questions I barrage him with. We are in couples counseling and really, i'm just taking one day at a time. Some of you say that it's not love............well i'm just trying to figure things out Posting from the standpoint of a FBS who is happily reconciled with my FWS I have to ask why the hell you would even be trying to trust at this point? IT IS TOO SOON TO TRUST and because he has proven that he can look you in the eye and lie, because he has proven that he can develop and pursue an intimate relationship with another woman....You would be crazy to try to trust him right now and he has no right to expect this. Instead, he should be proving it. He wants the marriage..he needs to prove it. You don't trust, you require proof. He says there is NC between him and OW....he needs to prove it. You don't trust it. He abused your trust. He needs to earn it back by being transparent. If he is offering you access to his email, phone, etc. then take it. Use it to reassure yourself. If he is not, then ask yourself why not?
Recommended Posts