Married Other Persons

[lday]

I stay in my marriage because... well... I don't want to stay. I'd love for us to be split up already, but, I told her I'd give her a couple of years to get herself together. Also, the housing market sucks and there are other financial concerns.

 

My mOW stays in her marriage because... Oh... I think she's kind of waiting to see if *I* actually get divorced, I think she stays because she very much likes the house and the life she has and isn't ready to give them up. I know she stays because she's afraid of him and how he will react when she tells him she wants to leave.

 

It seems many people would like to paint marriage and affairs as simple black and white. It's all so very easy when you don't consider all the details.

 

i can understand your situation and totally agree on some who insist on everything being cleancut simply black and white. nothing is ever in black and white and i'm not talking about just relationships and marriages.

[myname]

My thoughts exactly! A hater trying to come off as curious in a very strange way. To the OP, I was thinking that if you read everything in this forum, you would understand and not have to ask that question.

 

Don't judge! It will come back your way at some point.

 

I'm not a hater or some troll, and never meant to suggest I was better than anyone.

 

I really was trying to understand why long term someone would stay in the marriage and at the same time keep their affair partner around. Thank you to the replies that addressed that honestly and openly, I appreciate situations aren't black and white.

 

I'm not judging, I am suffering pain that makes me ask this question because of the man I got involved with who continues to try to keep me involved with him while he stays married, no kids, multiple d-days.

[TakeMeasIam]

You have a choice.

Either remain involved or cut him off.

 

What he does is his business, what you do is your decision.

If you stay involved it's because that's what you choose to do.

 

As Yoda famously said, " 'Do' or 'do not'. there is no 'try'."

[Silly_Girl]

I'm not judging, I am suffering pain that makes me ask this question because of the man I got involved with who continues to try to keep me involved with him while he stays married, no kids, multiple d-days.

 

YOU keep you involved. You have every choice. Unless you're being held hostage in some sort of Josef Fritzl set-up you are totally free to go.

 

The question to answer is WHY you choose to stay. It's important any OW understands that, however uncomfortable it may leave her feeling.

[myname]

YOU keep you involved. You have every choice. Unless you're being held hostage in some sort of Josef Fritzl set-up you are totally free to go.

 

The question to answer is WHY you choose to stay. It's important any OW understands that, however uncomfortable it may leave her feeling.

 

I chose to stay because I was in love, and thought things would change, thought that I was giving up too easily, thought there was something worth working at, had already invested time and emotions in him, that's all been hard to let go of, it hurts badly to walk away from it, so then a tiny weeny carrot of hope from him is all it took to keep me there.

 

I've also had my life pretty much on hold for the past six months or so, possibly even a year or more, so when I turn away from him I have nothing to fall back on and that's also hard and when I'm feeling lonely it's comforting to have contact with him.

 

I'm going on holiday on my own soon though, I booked it to coincide with his birthday so that I won't be around, I know I need to do more than that to get truly shot of him but I'm hoping it's a start in the right direction. I've not been on holiday for well over a year cos stupidly I was waiting for a time when I could go away with him.

[woinlove]

I'm not a hater or some troll, and never meant to suggest I was better than anyone.

 

I really was trying to understand why long term someone would stay in the marriage and at the same time keep their affair partner around. Thank you to the replies that addressed that honestly and openly, I appreciate situations aren't black and white.

 

I'm not judging, I am suffering pain that makes me ask this question because of the man I got involved with who continues to try to keep me involved with him while he stays married, no kids, multiple d-days.

 

I'm sorry you are in pain. If I recall correctly you were NC with your MM, but it sounds like it has been one of these on and off and on again affairs. That is extremely painful.

 

As to why MM stay married, but keep coming back -- I suspect there are a lot of different reasons. On the marriage side it could be love, money, kids, status, family, image, feeling comfortable, fear it won't be better, wanting to be seen as the good guy, W tolerates affairs and he likes to have them, .... On the affair side it could be love, lust, addiction, ego, entitlement, some needs being met, OW tolerates being OW and he likes to have both, ....

[woinlove]

I chose to stay because I was in love, and thought things would change, thought that I was giving up too easily, thought there was something worth working at, had already invested time and emotions in him, that's all been hard to let go of, it hurts badly to walk away from it, so then a tiny weeny carrot of hope from him is all it took to keep me there.

 

I've also had my life pretty much on hold for the past six months or so, possibly even a year or more, so when I turn away from him I have nothing to fall back on and that's also hard and when I'm feeling lonely it's comforting to have contact with him.

 

I'm going on holiday on my own soon though, I booked it to coincide with his birthday so that I won't be around, I know I need to do more than that to get truly shot of him but I'm hoping it's a start in the right direction. I've not been on holiday for well over a year cos stupidly I was waiting for a time when I could go away with him.

 

That sounds like a very positive step. A lot of OW have a lot of difficulty getting over their MM, even after they decide he is not making their lives better. So, go easy on yourself, keep trying to do things that make you feel good about yourself, and enjoy your vacation.

[myname]

That sounds like a very positive step. A lot of OW have a lot of difficulty getting over their MM, even after they decide he is not making their lives better. So, go easy on yourself, keep trying to do things that make you feel good about yourself, and enjoy your vacation.

 

Thanks, it has been very on again off again, for way too long, and it's exactly cos I've found it so difficult to get over him that it's been that way, even though I know the situation has been miserable for me.

[Amour7]

Myname, I understand how painful your circumstances are. I think part of the pain is that we grieve what we don't have and what we know we won't ever have (at least in our rational mind we knoow) while we are in the relationship. I was in active denial a lot of the time because I had to in order to experience what was pleasurable in the relationship. But from time to time, he'd say something that would snap me out of denial (mentioning the expensive gift he got his wife, talking about his future 10 years down the road with his family). In the last six months, I would start calling him on the stuff like that, saying, how do you think that makes me feel to have you talk about a future without me? He'd make declarations about how he thought I was his real soulmate and he just needed to give his kids the life they deserved until they were older (10-15 more years!!!). Anyway, I see your MM doesn't have kids, but it does seem like he is committed to his M for any of the reasons woinlove and others cite. I suggest you ask him and try to talk with him about your future, with a healthy suspicion that he may be telling you what you want to hear. But some honesty might come through which could help you move forward, with him or without him. I was afraid to have some hard conversations because I was fairly certain I'd hear things I didn't want to hear. That might have helped me leave earlier, but you know, sometimes we have to go through some tough stuff to get us where we need to be.

 

You sound stuck, which I can relate to. If you haven't already, I suggest you read my post Why can't I leave? from just over a week ago and Before going cold turkey. I was in my A for two years and conflicted most of the time. I tried to separate and couldn't accomplish it until last week. I got great advice and this forum has been invaluable for me. And to be honest, it hurts with hell, but as I said at the start of this post, I grieved during the relationship, so this hurt isn't as terrible as I thought. When I was still "stuck," the grief was attached to feeling 100% hopeless. Now at least I have a sense of moving toward a life that I deserve.

 

You can and will get through this and come out stronger.

[myname]

Myname, I understand how painful your circumstances are. I think part of the pain is that we grieve what we don't have and what we know we won't ever have (at least in our rational mind we knoow) while we are in the relationship. I was in active denial a lot of the time because I had to in order to experience what was pleasurable in the relationship. But from time to time, he'd say something that would snap me out of denial (mentioning the expensive gift he got his wife, talking about his future 10 years down the road with his family). In the last six months, I would start calling him on the stuff like that, saying, how do you think that makes me feel to have you talk about a future without me? He'd make declarations about how he thought I was his real soulmate and he just needed to give his kids the life they deserved until they were older (10-15 more years!!!). Anyway, I see your MM doesn't have kids, but it does seem like he is committed to his M for any of the reasons woinlove and others cite. I suggest you ask him and try to talk with him about your future, with a healthy suspicion that he may be telling you what you want to hear. But some honesty might come through which could help you move forward, with him or without him. I was afraid to have some hard conversations because I was fairly certain I'd hear things I didn't want to hear. That might have helped me leave earlier, but you know, sometimes we have to go through some tough stuff to get us where we need to be.

 

You sound stuck, which I can relate to. If you haven't already, I suggest you read my post Why can't I leave? from just over a week ago and Before going cold turkey. I was in my A for two years and conflicted most of the time. I tried to separate and couldn't accomplish it until last week. I got great advice and this forum has been invaluable for me. And to be honest, it hurts with hell, but as I said at the start of this post, I grieved during the relationship, so this hurt isn't as terrible as I thought. When I was still "stuck," the grief was attached to feeling 100% hopeless. Now at least I have a sense of moving toward a life that I deserve.

 

You can and will get through this and come out stronger.

 

Thanks so much, I will go and read through your posts, reading other people's similar experiences does help.

 

I did have difficult conversations with MM all the time, about the future, what exactly he believed he could offer me etc, whenever I thought it was all a crock of rubbish I would say so. He often seemed so close to leaving, and often seemed very much to want to leave, but big fears, that I kept hanging on. Hey, it's been 2 years too.

 

Well done on doing the best for yourself, hope I can take some inspiration.

[WorldIsYours]

Yes they are broken.

 

And selfish.

 

For you to say that OW don't care shows your ignorance.

 

For you to say that OW does care shows your ignorance.

 

Please refrain from posting if your objective is to vilify.

 

Please refrain from posting if your objective is to defend OPs.

 

OW/OM on this board do care. Take a moment to read...I did.

 

They do not care about someone's marriage or themselves. If they did, they wouldn't be doing what they're doing now.

[Heather1]

Sorry, I miss-read your post....

 

In my case, the fact that we're both M'd makes me understand how hard a D would be on both families & how much drama would be involved (finances, health insurance, college for my kids). Plus, I'm already failing one M'd relationship, I doubt I'd jump into another M again. I've proved I shouldn't be M'd.

 

I understand the reasons for staying in touch, that it's easier than the pain of being apart but having a solid answer at least. You'll get to a point where the pain of one outweigh's the pain of the other & then you can decide. It's YOUR decision whether to stay or go. If you decide to leave & he never contacts you again, you'll have your answer. It sucks, and it's really hard, but it's better than being strung along for YEARS!! Which happens a lot. At the very least, put a timer on it.

[Emme]

I'm not judging, I am suffering pain that makes me ask this question because of the man I got involved with who continues to try to keep me involved with him while he stays married, no kids, multiple d-days.

 

 

Keep you involved??? No one can keep you involved in anything you don't want to be a part of. Always remember that.

[myname]

Sorry, I miss-read your post....

 

In my case, the fact that we're both M'd makes me understand how hard a D would be on both families & how much drama would be involved (finances, health insurance, college for my kids). Plus, I'm already failing one M'd relationship, I doubt I'd jump into another M again. I've proved I shouldn't be M'd.

 

I understand the reasons for staying in touch, that it's easier than the pain of being apart but having a solid answer at least. You'll get to a point where the pain of one outweigh's the pain of the other & then you can decide. It's YOUR decision whether to stay or go. If you decide to leave & he never contacts you again, you'll have your answer. It sucks, and it's really hard, but it's better than being strung along for YEARS!! Which happens a lot. At the very least, put a timer on it.

 

thanks for your reply, I think my original post could have been easily mis read, I was feeling rage at him at the time and it probably came through.

 

I can understand much more when there are kids involved why someone wouldn't leave.

 

I have 'left' him many times now, trouble is he does contact me again everytime so far, I have been allowing myself to be strung along cos of the pain of a complete separation and having nothing to fall back on, that's probably why I get so cross hearing about people with their partners to fall back on while in similar situations.

[myname]

Keep you involved??? No one can keep you involved in anything you don't want to be a part of. Always remember that.

 

I know this, but haven't yet managed to live by it.

[Jonah]

It's not because of their betrayed spouse. It's because of the cheater's selfishness. They cake eat because they want to with total disregard for their marriage.

 

You think the whole world is yours? Is that how you drove her away? And now you come here and talk of selfishness? You will never improve because you will never take ownership of your own deficiencies.

[Jonah]

Okay.

 

You are Ok Jane. I am sure you have thought this thing through enough to know that you can give yourself a break. On those times that the marbles get rattling in your head a little to loud, just think " heck with it, I can't fix it right now." And go on and live a life the best you can.

 

Red is grey and yellow white.

But we decide which is right.

And which is an illusion???.

-Moody Blues

[Woggle]

You think the whole world is yours? Is that how you drove her away? And now you come here and talk of selfishness? You will never improve because you will never take ownership of your own deficiencies.

 

Most likely it is from the movie Scarface where he looks at a blimp in the sky that says the world is yours.

[Emme]

I know this, but haven't yet managed to live by it.

 

I am living it now, not by choice. Well all I can say is it gets harder as the years add on. Over 10 years you'd be in a lot deeper. I think you're doing well... you're here.

[Heather1]

thanks for your reply, I think my original post could have been easily mis read, I was feeling rage at him at the time and it probably came through.

 

I can understand much more when there are kids involved why someone wouldn't leave.

 

I have 'left' him many times now, trouble is he does contact me again everytime so far, I have been allowing myself to be strung along cos of the pain of a complete separation and having nothing to fall back on, that's probably why I get so cross hearing about people with their partners to fall back on while in similar situations.

 

I'm not quite sure what his obligation is when there's no kids either?? Used to it maybe?? Plus you're still there, so he doesn't have to choose (& I don't mean that as anything but if he's on the fence, he might change his mind if you were actually gone). We've done the back & forth thing too, it's just the dynamic of the whole thing.

 

I don't know about men, because they seem to be able to compartmentalize more than W, but I certainly don't look at my H as the fallback. I think about OM all the time. It's almost like I've been in a bubble, and when we do NC I have to face my M full on. It's not like I look forward to moving on to a better, healthier relationship with someone new. You have that option, you're lucky in that.