myname Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 It seems there are a lot of married other women (and some men) on here recently. Can any of you explain why you stay in your marriages while you still carry on with your affair partner? Why you continue clinging to both people for so long? I don't understand it myself, in almost every relationship I ever had I finished one before I got anywhere close to starting another, in most cases hadn't even met the future partner before finishing the previous relationship, in many cases had six months on my own between partners. The only time there was cross over was when I got involved with the stupid married man and then very soon after I realised I'd started a proper affair and had fallen in love I told and ended things with my current partner. I have to admit it can make me feel so cross reading about you all reconciling and then pining and all that you go through with two partners. It seems to me that you're keeping your options wide open while causing misery to the other people involved.
TakeMeasIam Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Because people believe that being with who they are, makes them unhappy, and being validated by another person sexually and emotionally, will make them happy. On rare occasions, their affair partner becomes their partner for good. But more often than not, it's just another type of misery.
Jane Deaux Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Okay. I'll go. If it makes you cross, I'm sorry. I became involved in the affair like this. We shared a huge attraction in high school but lost touch. I had often thought of this guy and something kept this one particular guy in my head throughout the years. Mind you, not in a pining way, just a "wonder where and how he is". We never acted on the attraction in high school, just flirted, so I wasn't basing anything on a past relationship, just attraction. We ran across each other on "THAT social network" and friended each other a couple of years ago. Didn't speak much, I saw he had a wife and children, commented that he looked well and that was it. I did however check him out from time to time. I would go look at his pictures and see what was new in his life. About 6 months ago I made a comment about a photo of his that was very compelling to me. He responded, we began flirting, we met for strictly PA at that time, for some reason I couldn't even consider saying no so great was the attraction from years ago that had resurfaced immediately. During the PA we still talked and talked, and talked some more, that was the dangerous part. We are long distance so we just talked more than anything. Met again a month later, then talked talked talked. Met again and admitted to being in love. I haven't ever been "in-love" with my husband so I don't know that I would have allowed this to happen if I had been. And that leads me to the first part of your question. My husband and I married because we had a child together by accident in the very very early stage of dating. Actually we were just sleeping together and I got pregnant. We dated for over a year after that before we got married. I was so caught up in my child that I wanted to do anything for him and that included having this "family" that I had always known I'd have when I had a baby. So I married him. Mind you I loved him. I still do. He is a great guy and good father. But he wasn't in love with me either at that time. Still I was too blind to see that neither of us were in love. So here we are... I have began this affair, I've become more distant, he senses it and he is pulling closer. Right now, I don't know what I'm doing. I am also trying to figure that out. I'm frightened of my children being from a split family and having no father every night to tuck them in. I am scared of trying to live two separate lives financially and give them what they deserve. I am also scared of what friends and family will think. We appear like a happy couple from the outside. There is obviously a lot more to every story than can be written on a forum but there you have it, the gist of my story. It doesn't make me proud. It just is right now. Hope you aren't too cross with that. If you are I don't blame you.
Jane Deaux Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Because people believe that being with who they are, makes them unhappy, and being validated by another person sexually and emotionally, will make them happy. On rare occasions, their affair partner becomes their partner for good. But more often than not, it's just another type of misery. I wouldn't use the word validated. But yes, you think you will find happiness with someone you love. And yes, it's another kind of misery when you can't be with them.
summerdowling87 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Can any of you explain why you stay in your marriages while you still carry on with your affair partner? Why you continue clinging to both people for so long? Becuse they can or want to. I don't understand it myself, in almost every relationship I ever had I finished one before I got anywhere close to starting another Normal people do this.Or should do it
Woggle Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 They want the security of a marriage and the excitement of an affair. It's called cake eating.
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I wouldn't use the word validated. Oh I would - and did. The reason people want to have sex with someone else, is because they feel misunderstood, unappreciated, ignored, taken for granted and unimportant to their spouse. Having sex with someone else makes them feel desirable and wanted. That's validation. Absolutely. But yes, you think you will find happiness with someone you love. It's not always love. A lot of the time it's infatuation, or just plain ol' carnal lust. And yes, it's another kind of misery when you can't be with them. No, that's just selfish. The misery I was thinking of was the aftermath of picking up the pieces when your cover is blown and the betrayed families discover that Mr/Ms 'good ol' nice person' is actually a lying, selfish cheater.
Jane Deaux Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Oh I would - and did. Okay...good for you. I am happy you did. Doesn't make it a Truth. The reason people want to have sex with someone else, is because they feel misunderstood, unappreciated, ignored, taken for granted and unimportant to their spouse. I didn't have sex with him for any of these reasons. Some of these were factors in my marriage for years yes, but I had not cheated before. I had sex with him because I WANTED HIM. Plain and simple. I wanted him. Maybe these are reasons some others do it. To put ONE SET of rules to 1000's of situations reeks of ignorance to me. There are way to many people in the world to believe you have the ONLY truth to a type of situation. Having sex with someone else makes them feel desirable and wanted. That's validation. Absolutely. AGAIN, yes for some, not for all. I myself didn't need validation. My husband wanted me plenty. Other men as well. I felt desirable and sexy already. He didn't validate me. It was just great sex that I wanted, and got and went back for more. It's not always love. A lot of the time it's infatuation, or just plain ol' carnal lust. Exactly. Then it can turn into love. Or not. Depends on the people and the situation. No, that's just selfish. The misery I was thinking of was the aftermath of picking up the pieces when your cover is blown and the betrayed families discover that Mr/Ms 'good ol' nice person' is actually a lying, selfish cheater. Yep, it is selfish. I am a lying selfish cheater. Never said it wasn't. But are you going to sit here and say that I'm not experiencing some kind of misery? You don't know me. I am being selfish. I get that. I doubt you could understand if I tried to explain to you why I stay. Selfish, yes, but soooo many more reasons. But you know what, you can put me in your one size fits all point of view. It's fine. I don't know you. Can't believe I just debated that. I've been telling myself I wouldn't get drawn in.
Emme Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Oh boy... here goes... Some people are more concerned about how their partner looks on paper rather than what's in their heart. To fit the mold that has been made for them and to please family instead of themselves. That is why I feel affairs truly take place. Everyone wants the person they were taught to need and want in life. When honestly love is truly what everyone needs nothing else. Some would rather choose money/comfort/stability over love any day. I know I'm saying it out loud... but it's true. Money can keep a marriage together longer than love. A man has simple needs. He wants to feel loved and respected. It's way shorter than a woman's list. The reason why some men stray IMO is mainly because some women forget to treat their men, like a man. Make him feel like he is the king of his castle. You get married and you start to talking to him like he's one of your children. You have to make a man feel like a man... stop chopping is penis off every chance you get.
Heather1 Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 It's weird that someone would start a thread like this in the OM/OW section & immediately take the moral high ground. "i'm better than you all, but I'd like to know why you're such a dirtbag?" I'd like to think in my situation it was right person, wrong time. It happens a lot.
Jonah Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 They are not happy and they are seeking happiness. It might be their own problem with self fulfillment, it might be their spouse pushing them away, or both of them not knowing how to work a relationship, or all all of the above.
SuzieWong Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 It's weird that someone would start a thread like this in the OM/OW section & immediately take the moral high ground. "i'm better than you all, but I'd like to know why you're such a dirtbag?" I'd like to think in my situation it was right person, wrong time. It happens a lot. Ah Miss Hathr I respect your true and direct sentiments. Even from such an insulting question we have found wisdom as in Jonahs simple response. And Emme I agree you speak the truth and your words make me laugh.
mizliz Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 So, maybe it is that the unsatisfied (for whatever reason) partner decides to look for "something". Once that something is found, it's hard to walk away from. Adoration and ego-boosting is addictive. Once found-difficult to shake. No one is exempt and the fulfillment comes from a mutual desire. We are human and we are weak. The truth lies in our ability to recognize ourselves and what we want. I am in my late 30's - it took everything I had to reject him. Everything.
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 "i'm better than you all, but I'd like to know why you're such a dirtbag?" Oh this made me laugh so hard.
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 They are not happy and they are seeking happiness. It might be their own problem with self fulfillment, it might be their spouse pushing them away, or both of them not knowing how to work a relationship, or all all of the above. It's not because of their betrayed spouse. It's because of the cheater's selfishness. They cake eat because they want to with total disregard for their marriage.
Amour7 Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Can any of you explain why you stay in your marriages while you still carry on with your affair partner? Why you continue clinging to both people for so long? Good question. As someone who has both been betrayed and OW, i have wondered this over and over. A common answer is that it's for the kids, but I think its usually more complicated than that. Not always and I can imagine that if I had kids and were still married, I would have had a hard time leaving. When I found out about my xH's betrayal (never confirmed PA but evidence of significant lying), it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was, as I recognized later, an emotionally abusive relationship, and this gave me "permission" to leave. If there were kids, though, I think I would have felt obliged to stay. Ugh. I am so glad those weren't my circumstances. I would have loved kids but staying married would have been miserable. Adoration and ego-boosting is addictive. Once found-difficult to shake. No one is exempt and the fulfillment comes from a mutual desire. We are human and we are weak. The truth lies in our ability to recognize ourselves and what we want. I am in my late 30's - it took everything I had to reject him. Everything. Yes, so true! I get the addiction from the OW perspective, and I guess it's probably the same, or stronger, from the WS's perspective. Mizliz, you are strong to break free. I am trying to be strong, too.
mizliz Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 It's not because of their betrayed spouse. It's because of the cheater's selfishness. They cake eat because they want to with total disregard for their marriage. They cake eat because they are insecure. The cake eaters take and take because they are broken. The OW who participate are equally broken. The difference is that the OW continue to give because they feel they can help. As much as people want to vilify the OW, she is usually there because she cares.
Woggle Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 They cake eat because they are insecure. The cake eaters take and take because they are broken. The OW who participate are equally broken. The difference is that the OW continue to give because they feel they can help. As much as people want to vilify the OW, she is usually there because she cares. The OW/OM might have tons of issues but they are not the villian. The cheaters are the villians and would not exist without OW and OM.
mizliz Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 [Yes, so true! I get the addiction from the OW perspective, and I guess it's probably the same, or stronger, from the WS's perspective. Mizliz, you are strong to break free. I am trying to be strong, too. You are strong, myname. You won't know til you believe it. Trust me.
mizliz Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Myname - you will find yourself again. You are stronger than you think. Love yourself first, hun. Remember how to do that? I'm with you. It will be ok.
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 They cake eat because they are insecure. The cake eaters take and take because they are broken. The OW who participate are equally broken. The difference is that the OW continue to give because they feel they can help. They are broken from their selfishness. They know what they're doing. And the OM/OW is just as selfish as they are. As much as people want to vilify the OW, she is usually there because she cares. An OM/OW who messes with a married person is not "there" because they care. If they really cared, they would reject the married person's offer to engage in sexual activities with them.
TurboGirl Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 It's weird that someone would start a thread like this in the OM/OW section & immediately take the moral high ground. "i'm better than you all, but I'd like to know why you're such a dirtbag?" My thoughts exactly! A hater trying to come off as curious in a very strange way. To the OP, I was thinking that if you read everything in this forum, you would understand and not have to ask that question. Don't judge! It will come back your way at some point.
mizliz Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 They are broken from their selfishness. They know what they're doing. And the OM/OW is just as selfish as they are. An OM/OW who messes with a married person is not "there" because they care. If they really cared, they would reject the married person's offer to engage in sexual activities with them. Yes they are broken. For you to say that OW don't care shows your ignorance. Please refrain from posting if your objective is to vilify. OW/OM on this board do care. Take a moment to read...I did.
SoMovinOn Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I stay in my marriage because... well... I don't want to stay. I'd love for us to be split up already, but, I told her I'd give her a couple of years to get herself together. Also, the housing market sucks and there are other financial concerns. My mOW stays in her marriage because... Oh... I think she's kind of waiting to see if *I* actually get divorced, I think she stays because she very much likes the house and the life she has and isn't ready to give them up. I know she stays because she's afraid of him and how he will react when she tells him she wants to leave. It seems many people would like to paint marriage and affairs as simple black and white. It's all so very easy when you don't consider all the details.
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