Hcn929 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I have been with a girl for about a month and a half to two months now. We have been great together and our relationship seemed to be going very well. However, today we talked about our relationship to get on the same page with each other, this was initiated by me. She said that she really likes me but she thinks we should be friends right now and see how things go from there. She explained that she got out a a bad relationship about 4 months ago and isn't sure if she's ready for another relationship due to trust issues. She apologized and said she should have handled the situation in a different manner before this happened. So basically she wants to remain friends but see how things go from there. With this said, is there a chance of a relationship in the future, or was that just a nice way of putting 'I don't think we should ever be more than friends?' I am pretty devastated right now. Also, what is going to change, she wants to hang out, but we used to cuddle and watch movies, hold hands, fall asleep together, etc. Can this no longer happen? Do I need to ask for some clarification on how far is too far? I just don't know how to change things. I don't want to dance with other girls at the bars, and if I did, I feel like I would be being disloyal because if we are just friends but possibly could be more then I should remain exclusive to her. Should I ask her to be blunt with me and tell me if she things ever possibly going further?
welikeincrowds Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Well, she told you what she told you, that answer isn't going to change no matter what you do. Hey, the sappy song in my signature is all about that. Don't get yourself in that mess. Do you guys do physical things together? Making out, fooling around, sex? Her asking you to wait around is asking a lot. I'm trying not to judge this situation but I am finding it difficult. Take her at her word and date people who are interested in being with you. I am sure that you are worth it.
carhill Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Friends don't have 'exclusivity'. Enjoy dancing with whomever you like. Having been this type of tampon before, she was using you for comfort after her 'breakup'. Some people use other people in that way. It may seem like friendship and it may seem like dating, but this type of person doesn't *feel* anything about those dynamics. She adds an 'I'm sorry', two words which easily flow off the tongue, and it's all better, so, you know, let's be friends. Accept her kind apology and bid her farewell. She knows where to find you when her 'healing' is done. Good luck
Author Hcn929 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Thanks for the responses. As far as doing physical things together, we made out on a number of occasions, could have had sex but I didn't let it get that far as I didn't want things to go bad after that as we really haven't known eachother that long. She did say that she does still like me and things felt amazing for the first part of the relationship. I really don't feel line she was using me to heal from the last relationship, but what do I know. Are you suggesting that I completely withold contact from her?
snug.bunny Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 This is the proverbial > not interested in moving forward with a relationship. It's a rejection, ultimately (you brought up the "relationship" discussion, she rejected it). From what you wrote in your first paragraph it sounds like she is open to a relationship at some point, just not right now given she admitted to having trust issues with the relationship she just came out of four months prior to dating you. I don't know how far along your feelings are in regard to her, but given what you know now, changes things significantly because there is a greater chance of getting hurt, if it hasn't hurt you already. At this point, all you can really do is just give her the space that she needs and go about your business. But, I wouldn't pursue her at this point.
carhill Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 OP, a couple questions, and I understand that you can only relay what you were 'told', and I'll insert a reminder about words and actions matching... 1. How long did this 'bad' relationship of hers go on before it ended? 2. Who ended it? 3. What are her 'trust' issues? 4. How old are you and she? 5. When you share that she said 'things felt amazing in the first part of the relationship', from your perspective, where and how did the 'first part' turn into the 'rest'? In my experience in life, women never regress relationships; they never back up, especially from sexually intimate to platonic. Once that oxytocin bond is gone, you're done. Simple as that. Sure, there are exceptions, but you'll have to scour LS real hard to find them, and I've never seen one myself in real life. What causes you to conclude that you weren't a rebound relationship for her?
Author Hcn929 Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 I plan on giving her space and letting her make the decision without me pursuing because I know trying to pursue anything at this time would not work. The reason I brought the relationship up was things this week seemed to be different between us, and I wanted to know where she stood. So really it wasn't a talk about bringing it to the next level, rather it was what's wrong/going on. I will just let her do her thing and I will do my thing, let her initiate things as she feels comfortable. I do have strong feelings for her, and it sucks, but at the same time I am relieved because I went into the conversation thinking it would probably be the last time I would ever talk to her, which she assured me is not going to be the case.
carhill Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 It makes sense for one party to throw up a 'whoa there, pardner' sign if that party feels things are moving too fast, like into 'relationship' territory, but to dial back to bumping buddies aw shucks pals? That's a clear sign of one of three things to me: Infatuation which ended; an ex reappearing; commitment-phobia and/or a broken psyche. I'll bet she was cheated on in her last relationship, right? And starts dating you two months after it ended..... if I'm right, does that sound healthy to you? For you? I've been down this path a few times, hence my opinions and questions. Hope it works out
Author Hcn929 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 In response to the above questions; 1-It was relatively short, beginning of the semester to near the end, probably 4 months 2-She did 3-I didn't really press what those issues were or what happened in the relationship before 4-Freshmen in college, 19 5-The first part was the first 3 weeks, and then she got sick and went home for 2 weeks, and she has now been back for a little over a week. We talked all the time, phone and texting, hung out on weekends one on one. When she got sick, we texted basically all day every day. But when she got back, she was really busy with catching up with school and stressed out, this is when things went downhill. I mean, I guess I could be a rebound relationship but I was really the one that initiated everything. I was the one who chased after her. But even if it was, she had genuine feelings for me. Should I ask her about the prior relationship? I wouldn't say we were bumping buddies Its been at least 4 months since the last relationship. But yes, I understand it probably isn't healthy for me. But I kind of want to know the root cause of these problems before I make any decisions on what to do.
carhill Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Bah, you're young. Women change their minds like sweaty underwear at that age. Just leave her be for awhile and enjoy the company of other ladies. If anything is meant to be, it is.
Author Hcn929 Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 I know I'm young and there's plenty of other girls around. But this relationship has completely been above and beyond any other relationship I've had from the start. I plan on enjoying myself tonight though, I think that will help.
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