s/o of "I don't love you like before" thread

[highviolet]

I was reading the answers people had to give this person who was wondering why a spouse would say the "I don't love you like before" or similar ILYBNILWY speech, and I got to thinking about my own situation, as I have recently been heard uttering those same words myself. I thought I would start a new thread so as not to thread jack and to get some of my own questions answered from you lovely people.

 

So you can look up my first post to get an idea of my story, but for now I will just say that after many hardships in my marriage, I find myself "falling out of love" with my husband.

 

Now when I say that, I know I will get nothing but eyerolls, as it seems most of the regs on this board seem to be in the BS (as in betraed spouse, not the other one!) camp and have the idea that someone who says these things are one or more of the folowing:

 

immature, lazy, doesn't know what true love is, never experienced true love, doesn't deserve true love, cowardly, selfish.

 

and that "true love" doesn't wax and wane and doesn't just go away.

 

So being one who has uttered the dreaded words, and feeling as if I really do feel this way, that I have lost the feelings of love I once had for my husband, and am not just saying it or justifying my behavior or whatever; automatically I get defensive and would like to know the answer to a few things.

 

So does that mean

a) I was never in love with my husband truely, because if I was I wouldn't be able to just "lose" love

b) I love my husband just the same but am just being selfish and immature because I have thoughts of getting out and pursuing my own happiness.

c) I just don't know what real love is, even though for years I have stood by my husband through thick and thin (mostly thin) and tried to make it work.

or all or none of the above, and if so, WTF is wrong with me?!

 

I guess what I don't understand is that I really feel as though I have lost the feelings I once had for him. I am really trying to see it from another perspective and not be selfish, but how can someone not be selfish when it is their happiness and wellbeing on the line? When can you throw in the towel and say, hey, I care about you, but this just isn't working. Why is it that you must be a martyr in order to save your marriage? If I truely do not love him anymore, I just don't see how the feelings can just come back. I know marriage is supposed to be work, I understand that it can't always be sunshine and rainbows and butterflies, but after trying for so long and it still feels like you're always on thin ice, why can't you say, this is too hard, this is too much work?

 

Well, I'm rambling, but these are serious questions, I truely want to know what everyone thinks.

 

TIA

[loveforever]

I was reading the answers people had to give this person who was wondering why a spouse would say the "I don't love you like before" or similar ILYBNILWY speech, and I got to thinking about my own situation, as I have recently been heard uttering those same words myself. I thought I would start a new thread so as not to thread jack and to get some of my own questions answered from you lovely people.

 

So you can look up my first post to get an idea of my story, but for now I will just say that after many hardships in my marriage, I find myself "falling out of love" with my husband.

 

Now when I say that, I know I will get nothing but eyerolls, as it seems most of the regs on this board seem to be in the BS (as in betraed spouse, not the other one!) camp and have the idea that someone who says these things are one or more of the folowing:

 

immature, lazy, doesn't know what true love is, never experienced true love, doesn't deserve true love, cowardly, selfish.

 

and that "true love" doesn't wax and wane and doesn't just go away.

 

So being one who has uttered the dreaded words, and feeling as if I really do feel this way, that I have lost the feelings of love I once had for my husband, and am not just saying it or justifying my behavior or whatever; automatically I get defensive and would like to know the answer to a few things.

 

So does that mean

a) I was never in love with my husband truely, because if I was I wouldn't be able to just "lose" love

b) I love my husband just the same but am just being selfish and immature because I have thoughts of getting out and pursuing my own happiness.

c) I just don't know what real love is, even though for years I have stood by my husband through thick and thin (mostly thin) and tried to make it work.

or all or none of the above, and if so, WTF is wrong with me?!

 

I guess what I don't understand is that I really feel as though I have lost the feelings I once had for him. I am really trying to see it from another perspective and not be selfish, but how can someone not be selfish when it is their happiness and wellbeing on the line? When can you throw in the towel and say, hey, I care about you, but this just isn't working. Why is it that you must be a martyr in order to save your marriage? If I truely do not love him anymore, I just don't see how the feelings can just come back. I know marriage is supposed to be work, I understand that it can't always be sunshine and rainbows and butterflies, but after trying for so long and it still feels like you're always on thin ice, why can't you say, this is too hard, this is too much work?

 

Well, I'm rambling, but these are serious questions, I truely want to know what everyone thinks.

 

TIA

 

Well....in my case I want to say it's like this .....note this is only my assumption....

 

My ex-husband (together and married for 11 years) is a man with high values.....he used to be in the Army for a long time and from 17 years on (even a bit earlier) he had to take care of himself....

 

He is very good at money management and I'm the opposite .....always have been unfortunately

 

He met me as a very independent (living on my own), sexy, skinny (about 115/120 lbs) and active woman....

 

After getting married (fairly quickly after 8 months) I started to become comfortable...every year of marriage a little more....

 

Now after 10 years of marriage he saw a woman with massive debt, fat (220 lbs after 2 kids, but still ), with fat came lazy (I had no energy left to do lots of housework), and a woman who didn't have sex with him a lot anymore because he would nag her all the time....

 

It made him sad and hurt.....then mad....and then he started to resent me for all this.....

 

And when (my assumption) midlife crisis hit him in addition to the depressive state he was in now (of feeling neglected, unappreciated and taken for granted), he got active on FB.....contact to old friends from when he was young (midlife crisis)....

 

He then started texting with an old "friend" (female) and she fed into his resentment towards me....."She will never change" *blahblah*....

 

That's when he made the decision he needs out.....

 

He has been divorced before and it was messy and is still apparent (spousal support payments).....

 

So he wanted to get it done and over with quickly....

 

When he told me he wants a divorce I was shocked and realized what I had done.....I started to make necessary changes right away.....

 

I begged and pleaded but he was stone cold....

 

Then, when I found out about the "friend" I was so mad that I signed the papers and detached myself mentally....

 

Then death of our dog brought us closer together and I guess he realized that he does still love me....

 

It's kind of like with my oldest son now.....he's almost 10 and in pre-puberty.....

 

He does things lately that make me so mad....

 

I am feeling angry with him, but I know I love him....

 

And that's what it's like with my ex-husband I assume....

 

He still loves me, but so far he's still got a lot of anger and resentment for me....

 

And those feelings show when I'm doing things that he doesn't like.....leaving stuff laying around (mess)....not saving any of my paycheck....etc.

 

But like last night we went out with our sons to eat and we were talking, laughing and smiling.....it was nice....

 

I don't know if I'll be able to fight his feelings of resentment for me and for him to love me 100% again....

 

But I do know I'm going to try !!!!!!!

 

 

 

I'm sure you still have love for him....

 

But it might be covered by anger and resentment.....

 

Maybe you really need to have a heart to heart and you tell him how you feel.....tell him what you dislike about him and his behavior....

 

He might want to try to work on it....I would give him a chance....and maybe try marriage counseling ......

 

Before you throw it away give him a change....

 

If he does change for the better you might find your loving feelings to come back !!!!!!

[Steadfast]

why can't you say, this is too hard, this is too much work?

 

You can say that. This country has divorce laws that support your situation and you're free to pursue them. If you're worried about what others might think, then you'll probably have to address that separately.

 

It doesn't take long when digging into this subject for morality to become an issue. I say that because what you're asking for, essentially, is a painless loophole that will allow you to escape your unhappy marriage. I'm pretty sure that doesn't exist. I'll also remind you that if you were on the other end of the broken promise, you might have a different viewpoint of it. Agree?

 

We're quicker to forgive our own lies than those who lie to us.

 

When I was a kid, I hated onions. I love them now. Does that mean I've changed? Actually, it does. People do change...things, or activities that weren't of interest before suddenly are. In a good marriage, trust and love allow the partner room to explore these things.

 

Control, on any level, is not a good thing. But you must realize (for example) what acting on sexual attraction for someone else while in marriage does. Not just to the betrayed spouse; the real, lasting damage stays with the betrayer. No matter what, the new partner will wonder when your feelings will change for him. See, you've already proven that your word is not your bond. This is said with the understanding that love is a decision, not an emotion.

 

What you lose is far greater than what you gain.

 

In short, and no matter what society says, none of us will escape the consequences of our actions. I'm convinced beyond doubt that the critical time for us comes before marriage. Are we in a position to keep the promises we make? Is our partner? After, the focus shifts to doing for them, and them doing for us. Knowing all the while that even married, we are still individuals. True love and trusts heals most things.

Edited March 13, 2011 by Steadfast

[heartshaped]

This is said with the understanding that love is a decision, not an emotion.

 

I think this is what a lot of people don't understand. Love is portrayed so often as an emotion, as some state of bliss between two people that never passes, so that when it does pass, some automatically assume that they aren't in love anymore.

 

But love is more than a feeling or an emotion. It is a conscious decision. We are all entitled to make this decision for whatever reasons we have, but don't mistake lack of feeling with lack of love.

[D78]

It's not 100% selfish to leave someone you're not in love with anymore. If you stay with that person, you'll give them the pleasure of dealing with:

 

(1) humiliation - not only do you not love him, but you're not even going to tell him; as a matter of fact, you might still say you love him and do all the things a lover does; he will be humiliated to find out he's been lied to and he didn't even suspect it;

 

(2) pain - it hurts really bad to know that the person you love isn't happy with you; it hurts even worse to find out that the person you love has not been happy with you for a long time; it hurts to know the person didn't even have the decency to talk to you about it;

 

(3) effort - I'm not judging here, but I assume if you've been falling out of love with him for a while now, you're not giving 100% to the relationship; that's just human nature - my car has 217,000 miles on it (and it's not a Rolls Royce), so I no longer fix every door ding.... if you haven't already decreased the effort you put into your relationship, you will eventually.

 

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point. I don't understand the "falling out of love" thing (absent cheating), so I don't know if you can "fall back in love," or what. I'm sure you will get advice from people who have experience with these feelings. I only know that if you know you can never love him again, it's not totally selfish to cut ties before you make him miserable. It's actually totally selfish for you to not cut ties.

[highviolet]

Thanks for the input

 

Loveforever- thank you for your perspective. I am taking to my husband and we are planning on going to counseling to give it another chance.

[highviolet]

To address the other replies, thank you for giving me more to think about, I really do appreciate the input from every angle.

 

I have been telling my husband about how I feel for years now, trying to get him to communicate and listen and change things that have bothered me. We have fought what seems like everyday for years now. I recently have told him how I feel about losing love for him and that I wanted a separation. Only now has he finally sat down with me and really heard what I had to say, I guess because he knew I was serious about separation. He has said that he sees what he has been doing wrong all these years and is really wanting to change to save our marriage. And yes, we talked about things I need to do differently too. I was ready to walk out the door, but now am giving it another try as long as we are both trying to communicate better. It really has helped our communication and we have not been fighting. But I still do not feel the same love for him as I once did. I don't understand how I can just "choose" to love him more. If someone could just explain this to me, I am really confused. My husband is doing everything I wanted him to do for years and I just don't feel connected anymore. Does this come back? I really am trying here, I am being completely honest with my husband about how I feel. I undrstand it would be completely selfish to keep him around and lie to him about not loving him, etc, and I am not doing that. I really wanted to know if the feelings of love can come back, or am I wasting both of our time? But I guess since love isn't a feeling, I don't know how to fix things... Maybe I am just a much more emotional person than you guys cuz I sure as h*ll feel like it is an emotion, and I can't control it.

 

sigh... Tell me what I'm doing wrong? Will time change how I feel? Should I just end it? Am I really being that horrible?

[PollyIvy]

sigh... Tell me what I'm doing wrong? Will time change how I feel? Should I just end it? Am I really being that horrible?

 

I wonder about the same questions as you. Even though I'm not the one who has lost the lovin' feelin', I will be the one who leaves if it comes to that.

 

I am the OP from the other thread, asking what it means when someone says they don't love you like before. I think it's good that you're being honest with your H. I wonder why he never heard you before...? If your communication is improving and the fighting has stopped, then it might be nice to slow down and take a breather. Sooner or later your true feelings will come through. It's like another poster said - it takes time to know if it's an anger/resentment reaction, or if your feelings are really dead. We are all emotional beings, and react to stress or unhappiness in different ways.

[heartshaped]

OP, you aren't being horrible at all and I do think there is hope for your marriage, but what you are missing isn't love- I think what you are missing is a connection with your husband and general feelings of affection and happiness. I think if you had to describe it you'd say you love him, but aren't in love with him.

 

Not only do the two of you have to work on communicating better, but on reestablishing that connection that the two of you have lost. It's not anything either of you did wrong, but that connection has to be nurtured through the years and you've been through some hard times and had more than your fair share of fights.Those things have crushed that connection, but it isn't absolutely impossible to get back.

 

This is if you want to try and work on things. It's not going to be easy, but if it's what you want it isn't impossible. When is the last time the two of you went on a date or did something romantic for each other? When is the last time the two of you even laughed together? Building that connection again takes time and energy, but it can be done.

 

Think back and remember the things that you loved about him, the good qualities he has now that you still love. Focus on and emphasize those things in your mind. Work on getting to know him again and spending time with him intimately.

 

Like I said, it won't be easy and the feelings that you are missing won't come back instantly, but with time, hard work, and open mind these things could be restored.

[loveforever]

I don't understand how I can just "choose" to love him more. If someone could just explain this to me, I am really confused. My husband is doing everything I wanted him to do for years and I just don't feel connected anymore. Does this come back?

 

I'm listening to my ex-husband right now sitting there with our youngest son trying to play the Wii....

 

My ex is fussing and getting all upset because he doesn't know what to do...

 

He didn't want to play the Wii...he wanted to watch a movie on the computer....

 

So he chose to not like it....he chose that he will not enjoy playing the Wii....

 

He's not giving it a chance....

 

That happened to me a lot (especially when I was a teenager)....even though it was something I would have loved any other time I wouldn't like it today because my parents wouldn't let me hang out with my best friend and I had to join them on that stupid family trip....I chose not to love it...NO !!!

 

I really think it's the same with love....

 

Right now you are not open to success....

 

You can't see how you can possibly fall in love with your husband again....

 

Subconsciously you are choosing not to feel positive (love) about him....

 

My ex-husband is still doing this....

 

I can tell because he still snaps at me at times when I ask him something because he thinks there is an ulterior motive behind it.....

 

What you need to do is go at it a different way.....start fresh with him, past is past, this is a new relationship.....

 

It's going to be super hard because you do have your memories but try....as hard as you can.....have an open mind....

 

An open mind might help you recognize the changes he's making....and might help you fall in love with him again....

[FreeNow]

Will time change how I feel?

 

I've felt the ILYBNILY (or whatever that ridiculous acronym is) but learned early on that if the relationship was important to me and I continued to work through it, the feelings returned. Often times, the feelings were deeper than the original 'lost' ones.

 

This might be a guy thing; I really don't know.

 

It doesn't necessarily translate into everyone's relationship. Both people need to take the path of mature love, IMHO, otherwise I'm not sure how well it will turn out.

 

 

{Nothing in this post is directed at your situation, HV. It's more general opinion.}