Agonising to leave: married for 24 years, sick wife.

[dangerous]

Hi all,

Having read some of your threads and posts, and knowing many of you have gone through similar and worse situations than mine, I'd appreciate some opinions from you good folk. Here's my story - I've tried to keep it short but 24 years’ worth of baggage have made it impossible

 

I'm a 48 y.o. male definitely going through a midlife crisis!

Here goes:

 

1. Marriage:

Married for 24 years, our only daughter just gone to uni (she's 20 years old now) since last Summer so definitely a new dynamic in the family home now. Of course, we've both changed massively since we met in our early 20's.

Both rather inexperienced sexually before we married, then we had our first and only child around 3 years into the marriage. Sex was never amazing but stopped after the birth (yes, 20 years ago!) but we agreed this wasn’t a show-stopper as we had different needs: ie. my wife lost interest, and I turned to porn. Sorry to mention sex first but its probably indicative of the rest of the problems.

 

2. My wife:

Very pretty- one of life's beautiful people, a big reason why I married her as I wanted a 'trophy wife' and enjoyed her beauty. She was also great fun to be with. She wasn’t career focused and her goal was to be a housewife and mother.

 

After the birth she suffered various issues, psychological and physical, which have been with us all this time and now worse than ever. She's diagnosed with fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) which manifests itself with aches, muscle weakness, and also depression etc. and she suffers from chronic insomnia. We haven't slept in the same bedroom for 20 years! (Which makes me very sad, even ignoring the sex. There again I snore, which doesn’t help and she uses this as the main reason/excuse).

 

She's let her appearance go, and hardly ever wants to go out with me or even on her own. She hasn't any friends left at all as she's unreliable and doesn't make the effort to make friends or keep in touch. I realise that most of this is down to her condition, but suspect a major part is down to her attitude - doctors and therapists have told me that she enjoys a 'poor me' persona, thriving on sympathy and attention. She stays in bed until the afternoon every day, and insists I go out to leave her to ‘rest’, and then she phones me repeatedly during the day to tell me how bad she feels. When I arrive home she tells me how she didn’t sleep. While I sympathise, I've tried to agree with her to not bombard me with negatives all day. I find this ‘life-style’ so depressing.

 

I honestly believe I have done everything to help her seeking help: finding doctors, making and taking her to appointments, encouraging her, and general listening and talking. She doesn’t stick with any treatments and doctors.

 

So, in summary, I am angry but sympathetic at the same time.

 

Incidentally, I've seen counsellors and marriage guidance over the past 3 years but she never came. The conclusion seems to be that we're over, but here I still am...

 

3. Me:

I've always been ambitious and career driven (high pressure) and happy with the old fashioned scenario of me working and wife looking after the home. In recent years this ideal has worn a bit thin since my daughter has grown up and the recession has made it impossible to survive on one wage. My wife has no intention of working though, and some of this is down to her illness.

 

I've also suffered some health issues - I'm certainly not as young and fit (and motivated as I once was.) I always was regarded as strong and self-sufficient but now I feel battle-worn, weak-willed and indecisive.

 

4. Relationships:

We still enjoy being together over meals, in front of TV but that’s hardly a basis for a marriage, is it? We don't go out, holiday or socialise together with friends. I find myself going out more and more on my own, or don’t go to occasions with couples.

 

As I said the sex is non-existent. On my side, I realise I have some fetishes (mainly role play and her dressing up) which my wife is not interested in and won't 'play' despite promising to do so for years. I feel bitter that she won't do this as she knows how happy it would make me. Yes, I am being selfish, but that’s ok for some of the time, isn’t it?

 

We've discussed our different sexual views many, many time, and neither of us seems willing to accommodate so we've agreed (again probably misguidedly) that we'll get our thrills ourselves (masturbation etc. but not going outside the relationship.)

 

We've been faithful.. up until recently. Around 3 years ago after numerous heated discussions, we seemed to agree we're over (at least that was my interpretation). We'd continue to live together but make plans to separate/divorce after my daughter went to university in 18 months’ time.

 

We both had short (discreet) flings (not long enough to be affairs) but my wife got very upset and wanted us to "go back to before, as we were". I agreed but said we had to make changes. Despite the promises, we haven't made any real progress. I honestly don't resent her affair as frankly it gave her some happiness, but she definitely resents me for my playing away and often brings it up in arguments.

 

5. Recent Events:

My business has collapsed, I've been made redundant from work twice in the past 2 years and we're on the brink of bankruptcy, soon there will be no house and assets to argue over in a divorce. Maybe its the right time to separate as we need to arrange new accommodation anyway?

 

To add to it, I'm still unemployed. I'm sure my depressing current situation is holding me back longer?

 

My wife's insomnia and depression is worse, and I regard her as an incredible drain on what little motivation I have.

 

6. My Dilemma:

By almost any measure, my marriage is rubbish, over, whatever. BUT I've never been a quitter, and I feel guilty that leaving my wife could be down to her illness and that makes me a 'heartless' quitter?

But the other side of me thinks that I can't continue to devote myself to someone who doesn't want to change and we are both so unhappy – although my wife keeps saying she loves me and wants me!

 

I've confided in my good friends (all male) and they all advise me to get out, as its all killing me.

 

Recently, I’ve said to her that we should end it, but she gets very upset (lots of tears and pleading) and she says she loves me and couldn’t cope without me.

 

But I keep coming back to the thoughts that I’m so not happy and that despite the hardship we’d both be better off alone. (I plan to be co-operative and help her set up on her own, claim benefits, etc. as she’s honestly really naïve and inexperienced in life matters.)

 

However, my worry is that the incredible stress I’m under (we both are) makes me unbalanced to make such a life-changing decision to leave, but maybe its totally necessary for my survival?!

 

You can see how agonised I am…

Many thanks in anticipation.

[kakui215]

Continuing indefinitely in the same manner isn't good for either of you, and since you seem to have tried everything else, your leaving seems to be the only option that could offer hope to each of you individually, or even as a couple. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

[westrock]

This is a sad sorry, but I think there is some hope to get your marriage on a healthier path if that is what you want.

 

doctors and therapists have told me that she enjoys a 'poor me' persona, thriving on sympathy and attention.

 

This may just be her way of dealing with the pain. She's acting like a helpless child rather than an adult. She doesn't seem to know how to deal with issues in a more mature way.

 

But you need to recognize your role in this. The two of you are co-dependent. You need to stop going along with her. She acts in her poor me persona because she knows it works on you. You let it happen probably because subconsciously you're actually getting some emotional benefit out it (such as confirming you as being the strong husband taking care of his stay at home weaker wife). But, that's not a marriage, or at least one that is healthy.

 

Recently, I’ve said to her that we should end it, but she gets very upset (lots of tears and pleading) and she says she loves me and couldn’t cope without me.

 

This is her acting out in her 'poor me' persona, but I see a bit of a silver lining here. If she really wanted out, her resonse to you would have been to agree with you. But, instead, when faced with the end of the relationship she realizes she wants to be with you. Similarly, I also get the sense you don't want to leave either, otherwise you would have done it years ago.

 

Here's what you can do.... make an appointment with a marriage counsellor and also one with a divorce attorney for later in the week. In the meantime, have another conversation along these lines... tell her you love her and want a healthy marriage and you will do whatever it takes, but you are finished with the way things are as this is not a marriage and you will not continue on like this anymore unless she is willing to make changes now. Tell her she has 2 choices and you will respect either choice: 1. she gets professional help with you with a marriage counsellor starting this week and sticks with it for 3 months, or 2. you are separating tomorrow and will start divorce proceedings and that you have an appointment ready to see a divorce attorney. She will resort to her tears and pleading, but you need to hold your ground. Tell her your preference is #1, but if she does not or refuses to also choose #1 then you tell her that you are taking that to mean she is choosing #2. If she agrees to #1, head to the marraige counsellor with her and cancel the appointment with the divorce attorney, and if it's choice #2, go see the divorce attorney otherwise she won't believe you are serious.

 

Good luck.

[Duckduckgoose]

Wow Westrock really laid it out!

[Goldenspoon]

 

We both had short (discreet) flings (not long enough to be affairs) but my wife got very upset and wanted us to "go back to before, as we were". I agreed but said we had to make changes. Despite the promises, we haven't made any real progress. I honestly don't resent her affair as frankly it gave her some happiness, but she definitely resents me for my playing away and often brings it up in arguments.

 

Where and how did you and your wife find these affair partners? Are these affairs completely over?

[dangerous]

Thank you for your kind replies.

 

Yes, kakui, this is what I fear, but its scary, and with everything else in my life, I remain almost paralised. But it is probably the conclusion.

 

Westrock. What a succinct post, thank you. Your suggestion really hits home, and indeed I did something very similar already, ie. set the 2 options but I didn't follow through. I need to build up the courage and commitment to go for it again. As I said though, with so much on my plate, I'm paralised by the analysis, and am feeling pressure from all directions: repossession, money & work worries, health, (and of course the wife).

 

Goldenspoon, I played via dating sites to try to reassure myself that I could still date after 20+ years of marriage/faithfulness. I stopped the dates, kept up no contact, and cancelled membership. My wife, as I said is a good looking woman, so she accepted the advances of a guy who hit on her in the street. She saw him for a few months (much longer than I dated) and finished it 2 years ago (and I do believe her).

 

What you guys (and girls?) are saying is of course in line with my own thoughts but I guess I just haven't had the courage to set and keep the ultimatums. I keep waiting for the right time (eg. when work is settled, or when she's having a better health time) but of course the right time never comes...

[Duckduckgoose]

The right time is now. Just do it. It will be best to not put things off any longer.

[dangerous]

Thinking about the marriage counselling, I know for a fact that my wife will say she's not well enough to go (this may be true due to her current anxiety & mental state) so I could go on my own. Last time I did go for individual sesssion (around 3 years ago), the indication was that I should leave her.

 

I'm 95% sure I want to leave, but as I said what's stopped me is that she says she can't survive without me. When I've suggested to her that we split, a large part of me has been hoping she'd agree and even get hostile, but she just crumbles. I'd say I'm with her out of pity and guilt (and FEAR of starting out alone again - yes that is a biggie for me!).

 

I think I know the answer is to just do it, but I'd appreciate some more comments from your experience from you guys. Sorry to be such a 'sap'...

[yessy21]

Okay i might sound like a total bitch right now. but divorce her ass. shes ur wife and all but all she really was doing was setting herself up with a home and accomadations. she loved u. but shes needy and full of it. She has brought u down instead of soaring. I think the best decision is to be by yourself and let yourself be happy. Apparently she is not ur happiness. If there is no sex... there is no relationship. honestly. She needs to get a job and go depress someone else. No pity for her she has no pity for u or ur penis.

[What_Next]

To be blunt if your situation is as you describe, then westrock has proposed what seems to me a reasonable course of action.

 

To clarify, at this point RIGHT NOW is there any third party involved? Are you sure you are looking at things with a perspective that is not clouded?

 

My question is why let this go all this time?

[dangerous]

Okay i might sound like a total bitch right now. but divorce her ass. shes ur wife and all but all she really was doing was setting herself up with a home and accomadations. she loved u. but shes needy and full of it. She has brought u down instead of soaring. I think the best decision is to be by yourself and let yourself be happy. Apparently she is not ur happiness. If there is no sex... there is no relationship. honestly. She needs to get a job and go depress someone else. No pity for her she has no pity for u or ur penis.

 

Not bitchy, what you say makes sense. And coming from a woman, maybe counts for something, thanks. I feel like what you say for much of the time, but then she turns on the charm or the little-girl-lost and I soften. I would tell her to get a life (in fact I have many times) but then I think of her illness (or rather she makes me think of it).

 

Do you think that its fair and right for me to make my decision outside of her illness,

[dangerous]

To be blunt if your situation is as you describe, then westrock has proposed what seems to me a reasonable course of action.

 

To clarify, at this point RIGHT NOW is there any third party involved? Are you sure you are looking at things with a perspective that is not clouded?

 

My question is why let this go all this time?

 

No 3rd parties, no.

yes, I'm clouded, by sympathy, fear...

I'm sure I'm not alone in letting a poor marriage drift due to children growing up, fear of change, and I guess just sticking with the marriage out of loyalty, traditional beliefs etc. Its just now, the pain has grown..

[dangerous]

Here's an update.

Wife has agreed to see doctor tomorrow to try some new medicines, also to discuss getting her own therapy.

I've arranged marriage guidance, first one on my own, and suggested to wife we should consider going together next week.

See how next few days go first.

[worldgonewrong]

I dunno. Westrock seems to have a better fix on this than me...I'll shuddup now...

Edited March 14, 2011 by worldgonewrong