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In love with another man


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Posted

I cannot believe how complex my life has become. I am a married mom of 2 young kids, have been together with/married to my husband for >10 years. I love my children dearly. I love my husband, too, but at this point, I feel like we are more friends than anything.

 

I have been having an affair with a man that I work with for 2 years. This man has been in a serious relationship for 4 years and has been cheating on his girlfriend also. We are in love with each other, are great friends, have tons of fun together, and have fantastic sex as well. We've also had a lot of up's and down's, primarily because we haven't known what to do with our relationship and have had jealousy related to the relationships we've been holding with other people. He sometimes claims that he hasn't known whether we should go forward, but at other times, he says he has known he's wanted to be with me the whole time. He has continued to have sex with his girlfriend throughout much of our affair, while I have basically ended all sexual relations with my husband. In the past few months, however, he has been very committed to being together with me, even distancing himself from his girlfriend, not having sex with her, while not breaking up fully though, so that we could have a chance together. I believe he is very sincere when he says he wants to be with me, though he would just be losing a girlfriend, and I would be breaking up my whole family.

 

I am struggling for several reasons. While I love the other man very much, I find myself not trusting him and even doubting sometimes whether he is a good person at times. I would never ask a married man to leave his family, and something about the fact that he wants me to bothers me even though I am in love with him. His past bothers me a bit, too, though he swears he has been upfront in all former relationships - I know while he was dating his current girlfriend, he has flirted with other girls and carried on some form of communication with prior girlfriends, but he swears he has never actually cheated on anyone before. He also has not continued communicating with old girlfriends since we've been together.

 

He has also told me that if we did this, he wants to marry me in the next 1-2 years and be together forever. He has really tried to become involved with my kids and says he loves them, too. However, his track record is one of 2-4 year relationships, where he is head over heels at first but then gets bored after a while. I would like to believe we are different; we have an unusual and amazing chemistry, and I could see us together forever, too, but I don't want to be stupid and naive either.

 

I could go on and on about other issues, like his brother is only somewhat involved with his ex-girlfriend and 2 kids, and I wonder if these family patterns repeat. My husband, on the other hand, is solid, the most true and genuine person you would ever know. We are just more like friends now, and our sex life has never been amazing.

 

I have tried to end communication with this guy, just to see how I would feel, and I find myself missing him terribly and feel directionless. I don't know if that's because I am used to talking with him everyday though. He is also angry that I've ended things temporarily primarily because he has spent the last few months trying to be together with me. When he gets angry, he turns into another person, not caring, not communicative. I told him I felt really depressed, and he called me briefly but didn't check in with me later at all because he is angry with me. He doesn't speak to me in the same way, very remote and distant, but I believe it is because he really wants to be together with me and is hurt. He said prior to me, he would never even consider being together with someone who was previously married with kids.

 

I feel incredibly confused and would like objective advice on this because I don't know what to think anymore.

Is there ever a situation where breaking up your family to be with the other person is ok? Is this other guy selfish for getting involved with a married woman and should I just forget about him? Or are there rare situations where this intention is true and genuine? Is it possible that we truly love each other and should try to make this work? Or because of my kids, should I just say no way.

 

I am not at all proud of my role in this, and I would never have an affair again, so please don't berate me. I just need help. Thank you.

Posted

Okay, I won't berate you, but I will ask you some very pointed questions.

 

 

You said you're not sure if you really trust the other man or not.

 

(considering that he's been stringing along his girlfriend for 2 years...instead of caring enough to set her free to find someone else---someone who will respect her enough to allow her to make a FULLY informed decision about where's she's investing her heart...)

 

yes, I could see how you might find it difficult to completely trust him.

 

That being said.................

 

Is this worth throwing away your marriage to a man who, in your own words:

 

"is solid, the most true and genuine person you would ever know."

 

You said you love your husband---have you really thought this all the way through? ---Please--take a moment or two to consider how deeply he will be hurt to find out that he's been lied to for 2 years.The fallout from that can do permanent damage to his ability to trust.Does he deserve that?

 

Do your children deserve the inevitable scars of having their home broken up? If they are young, there's every chance that they will see it as somehow being their fault, if Mommy or Daddy has to go away.

 

Puzzlepiece---please take some time to really put all this on the scales, and set your mind on fast-forward.

 

Is it worth doing all this damage....

 

for a man you're not sure you completely trust?

 

 

 

Posted
I cannot believe how complex my life has become. I am a married mom of 2 young kids, have been together with/married to my husband for >10 years. I love my children dearly. I love my husband, too, but at this point, I feel like we are more friends than anything.

 

If you loved your family you would've never cheated. You took time and trust away from your kids and husband to mess with someone else's boyfriend.

 

I have been having an affair with a man that I work with for 2 years.

 

All the more reason to divorce your husband so he can find someone else.

 

This man has been in a serious relationship for 4 years and has been cheating on his girlfriend also. We are in love with each other, are great friends, have tons of fun together, and have fantastic sex as well. We've also had a lot of up's and down's, primarily because we haven't known what to do with our relationship and have had jealousy related to the relationships we've been holding with other people. He sometimes claims that he hasn't known whether we should go forward, but at other times, he says he has known he's wanted to be with me the whole time. He has continued to have sex with his girlfriend throughout much of our affair, while I have basically ended all sexual relations with my husband. In the past few months, however, he has been very committed to being together with me, even distancing himself from his girlfriend, not having sex with her, while not breaking up fully though, so that we could have a chance together.

 

All about you and him.:rolleyes:

 

I believe he is very sincere when he says he wants to be with me,

 

Really sad you're believing his lies.

 

though he would just be losing a girlfriend, and I would be breaking up my whole family.

 

He already lost his girlfriend and you broke up your family a long time ago when you took the step to cheat.

 

I am struggling for several reasons. While I love the other man very much, I find myself not trusting him and even doubting sometimes whether he is a good person at times.

 

You find yourself not trusting him? Your husband can say the same for you. You're so wrapped up in this man who you know only wants you for booty, and you're unwilling to stop dragging your family around.

 

I would never ask a married man to leave his family,

 

As if that should make everyone feel better. And you're asking him to leave his girl while you're gaslighting your husband.

 

and something about the fact that he wants me to bothers me even though I am in love with him. His past bothers me a bit, too, though he swears he has been upfront in all former relationships - I know while he was dating his current girlfriend, he has flirted with other girls and carried on some form of communication with prior girlfriends, but he swears he has never actually cheated on anyone before. He also has not continued communicating with old girlfriends since we've been together.

 

He has also told me that if we did this, he wants to marry me in the next 1-2 years and be together forever. He has really tried to become involved with my kids and says he loves them, too. However, his track record is one of 2-4 year relationships, where he is head over heels at first but then gets bored after a while. I would like to believe we are different; we have an unusual and amazing chemistry, and I could see us together forever, too,

 

You let that man around your kids? I'm honestly at a lost for words.

 

I don't want to be stupid and naive either.

 

Yet you're naive enough to cheat for 2 years.

 

I could go on and on about other issues, like his brother is only somewhat involved with his ex-girlfriend and 2 kids, and I wonder if these family patterns repeat. My husband, on the other hand, is solid, the most true and genuine person you would ever know. We are just more like friends now, and our sex life has never been amazing.

 

If he's so great why do you continue to cheat on him for so long?

 

I have tried to end communication with this guy, just to see how I would feel, and I find myself missing him terribly and feel directionless. I don't know if that's because I am used to talking with him everyday though. He is also angry that I've ended things temporarily primarily because he has spent the last few months trying to be together with me. When he gets angry, he turns into another person, not caring, not communicative. I told him I felt really depressed, and he called me briefly but didn't check in with me later at all because he is angry with me. He doesn't speak to me in the same way, very remote and distant, but I believe it is because he really wants to be together with me and is hurt. He said prior to me, he would never even consider being together with someone who was previously married with kids.

 

You and him act as if you're going through so much crap, when it's the people you're lying to are the ones hurt.

 

I feel incredibly confused and would like objective advice on this because I don't know what to think anymore.

Is there ever a situation where breaking up your family to be with the other person is ok?

 

There is never a situation where being with the other person is okay, you know that. But then again your family has been broken for a long time.

 

Is this other guy selfish for getting involved with a married woman and should I just forget about him? Or are there rare situations where this intention is true and genuine? Is it possible that we truly love each other and should try to make this work? Or because of my kids, should I just say no way.

 

Tell your husband and family what you've been doing for the past 2 years.

 

I am not at all proud of my role in this, and I would never have an affair again,

 

Then why are you still involved with him if you're not proud of doing it.

 

so please don't berate me. I just need help. Thank you.

 

I'm not going to validate you. You want help? Go see a shrink and tell your husband and family what you've been doing for the past 2 years. Putting your husband's health at risk and letting that stranger see your children. How sad.

Posted

there are some guys that I run into, in my life, whether at a party, bar, friend of a friend...whatever. And the few times a year that I run into these kind of guys, I finding myself wishing that they would do something. I want him to start something with me or be disrespectful to my gf or whatever. I am looking for any excuse to kick this guy's teeth in. I feel like your OM is one of "those guys."

 

this guy is such an obvious sociopath. He wants it his way no matter what, every piece of stimulus, even if it lasts for 5 seconds, has to be explored to fullest regardless ANY consequences. But then again you are the same way so it doesnt matter.

 

You dont even know this guy. You say things about him as if they are facts and I am sure these are things that he "told" you. But then again, your husband doesnt know you either and he probably talks about how great you are to lots of people. think about that...

 

divorced rate of affairs partners is over 75%

 

and I dont even know why you are wasting your time with doubts or having suspicions about this guy. It is obvious that the character and integrity of a man doesnt really matter to you at all. Just do whatever makes you full happy every second of everyday and f*ck everything else right. I mean you are in love with a man that does that. This is why i never have and never will take a woman seriously.

 

 

just remember...you asked for all of this and it will get bad. And I guarantee, when this whole explodes and you and OM try and fail (well your will fail, he doesnt even love you I promise), that you will wish with your whole heart and you could be back in your husbands arms.

Posted

Hey puzzle---how wonderful is your H.---you tell us he is solid and wonderful---how is it that you are at this very moment ripping his heart out

 

at 1st blush I would say give him and your own flesh and blood kids a large present---and Divorce them, and get far far away from them---YOU DON'T DESERVE THEM

 

You have never spent one MOMENT OF REALITY with your lover--you are living in a fantasy world---where there are no emergencies, no bills to pay--no kids to haul around---no teachers to meet with---no washing, cooking, cleaning to be done---no emergencies---no errands to be run---there is just whispered sweet nothings, and passionate love making with your scumbag lover---oops maybe there were some problems---you might have had difficulty planning your sexcapades---who knows

 

Mge is very hard work, why didn't you spend your time spicing up your sex life with your H, and spicing up your mge----no that would have been to hard, instead you just let a con artist con you right into spreading your legs for him

 

What you have is a jerk, for a lover that wants to control you, and wants you to give up your own kids, and already you can't get along with him---THE GRASS WITH THIS GUY WILL NOT BE GREENER---IT WILL BE A VERY UGLY SHADE OF BROWN---but you know what you deserve each other,

 

Go with your scumbag lover---D. your H---give him and your own flesh and blood kids the greatest gift you could give them---FREEDOM FROM A CHEATER---who cares not one iota about them, who cares only about her own selfish self----Enjoy your life with your scumbag lover!!!!!!!

Posted

and a few more things.

 

take ownership of your actions. your life hasnt "become" anything. Your life was been brought there by YOU.

 

How much of your affair contributed to your marriage becoming a "friendship"

 

do you even respect your husband and kids enough to use condoms with this guy. Your are going to get what his gf, and all the other girls he sleeps with, have.

Posted

and when in the hell is this guy around your kids!? If i was your husband that would be what really broke my heart. I mean what you are doing is messed up but at the core of things, your husband doesnt own you. but letting this scumbag have access to your kids!!!!!!!????...if i was your husband It would take the power god for me not to put this guy in a wheel chair when he finds out about all this.

Posted
and a few more things.

 

take ownership of your actions. your life hasnt "become" anything. Your life was been brought there by YOU.

 

How much of your affair contributed to your marriage becoming a "friendship"

 

do you even respect your husband and kids enough to use condoms with this guy. Your are going to get what his gf, and all the other girls he sleeps with, have.

 

Good question...........a point I was hoping to make as well.

Posted

"May you live an exciting life"

-an ancient Chinese curse

Posted
While I love the other man very much, I find myself not trusting him and even doubting sometimes whether he is a good person at times. I would never ask a married man to leave his family, and something about the fact that he wants me to bothers me even though I am in love with him

 

Has it occured to you that HE has the exact same thoughts as you? Except YOU are the married woman with children and he doesn't want to help bust up a family.

 

You're so concerned about him, what about your husband and children?

 

Honestly, if you don't want to be married anymore, divorce. Have joint custody with your husband. To stay married and "hope" that your affair partner will leave his girlfriend one day for you, sorry, is unrealistic, as much as it is unrealistic that you are really going to divorce your husband and bust up your family to go be with the OM.

 

Keep the OM AWAY from your kids. You have no right to do that to them.

 

Anyway, you're going to do what you're doing to, but I hope one day you wake up and realize you're messing with innocent people's lives. Your H, your children and the OM's girlfriend. Let alone, your own family, extended family, inlaws, friends.. You have a hell of alot to lose and/or give up for someone whom you can't fully trust.

 

Get some counselling to help figure out what it is you want. Just don't drag this out for years. Either divorce or end your affair, fix your marriage.

Posted
Is there ever a situation where breaking up your family to be with the other person is ok?

 

One shouldn't leave their marriage to go be with someone else, unless one is totally okay with being alone if the other relationship doesn't work out. So, you need to decide if losing all that you have in your life now (husband, kids, family unit as one, house, lifestyle, inlaws, friends, extended family etc, finances) is worth throwing away for someone you only know IN an affair dynamic.

 

Your H deserves to be with a woman who will love him and not cheat.

 

Also, just something to think about -- Imagine your H cheating on you and bringing the kids around another woman. Finding out that *she* loves your kids and want to be their stepmom, wants your husband for herself. Though I guess asking the second part about your H is mute since you're probably not attached to your H anymore so the feeling of losing him to someone else may not click in your heart. Anyway, please do counselling.

Posted
Puzzlepiece, while I see nothing wrong with moving on from a relationship which has stagnated like yours have, where you and your husband are now no more than roommates, even when there are kids involved, I do sense several warning signs with the man you are involved with. Your post made me uneasy and made me think of my former marriage with my abusive husband.

 

Perhaps it IS time to move on, get a divorce and start a life on your own. The fact that you are in love with another man says this. That doesn't mean you need to have a guarantee that this is the man you should stay with forever. Perhaps it is, perhaps not, but it certainly looks to me like you have already stayed too long in your marriage.

 

Your kids will be fine. They will probably be better of not living in a fake marriage where the two spouses are no longer in love with each other. Remember that you two are role models for your children. You don't want them to end up in marriages with infidelity and being roommates only.

 

Take care!

 

Run off with someone's boyfriend and leave the husband behind is completely okay. Lie, cheat, and steal to get what you want right? Letting some stranger touch their kids right? Yup it's the husband's fault his wife's been cheating for 2 years.:rolleyes:

 

You do have one point though, this is a fake marriage. Has been for a long time.

Posted
When he gets angry, he turns into another person, not caring, not communicative. I told him I felt really depressed, and he called me briefly but didn't check in with me later at all because he is angry with me. He doesn't speak to me in the same way, very remote and distant, but I believe it is because he really wants to be together with me and is hurt. He said prior to me, he would never even consider being together with someone who was previously married with kids.

 

I don't think so. He just wants to punish you because he's passive aggressive/emotionally abusive.

Posted
there are some guys that I run into, in my life, whether at a party, bar, friend of a friend...whatever. And the few times a year that I run into these kind of guys, I finding myself wishing that they would do something. I want him to start something with me or be disrespectful to my gf or whatever. I am looking for any excuse to kick this guy's teeth in. I feel like your OM is one of "those guys."

 

this guy is such an obvious sociopath. He wants it his way no matter what, every piece of stimulus, even if it lasts for 5 seconds, has to be explored to fullest regardless ANY consequences. But then again you are the same way so it doesnt matter.

 

You dont even know this guy. You say things about him as if they are facts and I am sure these are things that he "told" you. But then again, your husband doesnt know you either and he probably talks about how great you are to lots of people. think about that...

 

divorced rate of affairs partners is over 75%

 

and I dont even know why you are wasting your time with doubts or having suspicions about this guy. It is obvious that the character and integrity of a man doesnt really matter to you at all. Just do whatever makes you full happy every second of everyday and f*ck everything else right. I mean you are in love with a man that does that. This is why i never have and never will take a woman seriously.

 

 

just remember...you asked for all of this and it will get bad. And I guarantee, when this whole explodes and you and OM try and fail (well your will fail, he doesnt even love you I promise), that you will wish with your whole heart and you could be back in your husbands arms.

 

"80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision." - Sexual Detours

Posted

PuzzlePiece

 

By your own words your husband sounds like a great guy and father, a true man. So sad that his love and trust he has for you makes him blind to your betrayal as a wife and mother. Or, maybe not, I bet his gut is telling him something and instinctively he is pulling back to protect his heart. Don't know!

 

What I do know is that if you love the man that is your husband, for his sake and yes for the sake of your kids, leave him.

 

He will go through some pain but, God willing, he will find a woman that will love him and remain TRUE to him and the family. Does he not deserve that? This women could be a much needed role model and positive influence in your Children's lives, a better example of family and healthy relationships than you provide, giving them a better chance of having their own health and honest relationships.

 

Go with the OM, make a home with him, but be prepared to suffer the fruit of your choice. Once he is bored with the thrill of stealing an other mans wife, he will find your replacement. You are a target in his sick game and you allow it.

 

Let your family go so that they have a chance for love in a honest and trusted relationship, give them that gift!

Posted
"80% of those who divorce during an affair regret the decision." - Sexual Detours

 

Lets bump the number up to 99%. And those who divorce during an affair and regret it, don't regret the cheating itself. They regret having the comfort/stability of their marriage and/or the fact that their OM/OW doesn't want to associate with them no longer.

 

Either way in the end all cheaters look stupid.

Posted

Puzzle Piece, sure got yourself in a bit of a pickle bug you cam do the right thing!

 

By your own words your husband sounds like a great guy and father, a true man. So sad that his love and trust he has for you makes him blind to your betrayal as a wife and mother. Or, maybe not, I bet his gut is telling him something and instinctively he is pulling back to protect his heart. Don't know!

 

What I do know is that if you love the man that is your husband, for his sake and yes for the sake of your kids, leave him.

 

I bet many honest trustworthy women in your community would love to have a chance to join with your (ex) husband in creating and maintaing a family build on a foundation of love and honesty.

 

He will go through some pain but, God willing, he will find a woman that will love him and remain TRUE to him and the family. Does he not deserve that? This women could be a much needed role model and positive influence in your Children's lives, a better example of family and healthy relationships than you provide, giving them a better chance of having their own health and honest relationships.

 

Go with the OM, make a home with him, but be prepared to suffer the fruit of your choice. Once he is bored with the thrill of stealing an other mans wife, he will find your replacement. You are a target in his sick game and you allow it.

 

Let your family go so that they have a chance for love in a honest and trusted relationship, give them that gift!

Posted

Puzzle Piece, sure got yourself in a bit of a pickle but you can do the right thing! You made a choice two years ago that forever changed your marriage, it is a fact that your marriage was destroyed two years ago, the innocence of of is gone forever. If you do salvage your marriage it will be tainted and scared, all your doing.

 

By your own words your husband sounds like a great guy and father, a true man. So sad that his love and trust he has for you makes him blind to your betrayal as a wife and mother. Or, maybe not, I bet his gut is telling him something and instinctively he is pulling back to protect his heart. Don't know!

 

What I do know is that if you love the man that is your husband, for his sake and yes for the sake of your kids, leave him.

 

I bet many honest trustworthy women in your community would love to have a chance to join with your (ex) husband in creating and maintaing a family build on a foundation of love and honesty.

 

He will go through some pain but, God willing, he will find a woman that will love him and remain TRUE to him and the family. Does he not deserve that? This women could be a much needed role model and positive influence in your Children's lives, a better example of family and healthy relationships than you provide, giving them a better chance of having their own health and honest relationships.

 

Go with the OM, make a home with him, but be prepared to suffer the fruit of your choice. Once he is bored with the thrill of stealing an other mans wife, he will find your replacement. You are a target in his sick game and you allow it.

 

Let your family go so that they have a chance for love in a honest and trusted relationship, give them that gift!

Posted

Firstly, if you are that unhappy in your marriage, then leave, it is hard, but it it can be done, it might not be as comfotable or as safe, but it the right thing to do. Your H thinks he has a marriage, but as you are having an A, he clearly does not have any sort of marriage which he thinks he has, so, if he is the good, nice, kind man that you say he is, respect that and as someone else said, he can then find another woman to have a loving relationship with.

 

Your A is your boat to row, personally I hate them as they are so decietful, but if you are in love with the OM then you should leave to be with him and leave your husband, he will hurt, but he will get over it and move on.

 

The bit that jumped off the page at me was that the OM had met your children, well not just your children but your H's children and that he liked them and was getting along with them. OK, for shame on you, for shame on you for demeaning their father, your children, any children need time to adjust to seeing their mother with someone else other than their father. To include them in your deceit is shameful. I am not berating you for the A, you will do what you want to do, you know it is not right, so it is pointless, but I so, so hope you think on about taking them with you when you meet the OM. This is one of those things that make my blood boil.

 

You know, when my H was having an A, he took my dogs for a walk and met up with OW, the thought that she might have met and touched my dogs made me so dammed cross as these were ours, these were the animals we loved, rolled around with, laughed with, were proud of .... had she met our son I think I might have offed them both. Please stop doing that. I rarely post angrily at anything, but this makes me so mad.

Posted (edited)

Interesting :)

 

"I love my husband, too, but at this point, I feel like we are more friends than anything."

No, you do not love your husband, you are just delusional and probably need psychiatrict help

 

 

"He has continued to have sex with his girlfriend throughout much of our affair, while I have basically ended all sexual relations with my husband."

Since you are so faithful to your OM, and have basically disregarded your husband totally, why not release your husband and go for a divorce, then start a new life with the other adulterer? Actually, to be honest, both you and your OM are perfect for each other; both are selfish liars and adulterers.

 

"I would like to believe we are different; we have an unusual and amazing chemistry, and I could see us together forever, too, but I don't want to be stupid and naive either. "

Delusional again? :)

 

"Is this other guy selfish for getting involved with a married woman and should I just forget about him?"

If this guy is selfish, may i ask, what about you the angel? :)

 

"Or because of my kids, should I just say no way."

May I ask, what about your husband? Even if he is just friend to you now, doesn't he deserve to be treated as a human with feelings? Are you inhuman? Are you the devil's spawn?

 

As for your sincere OM, let me expound his thinking. He just wants to screw you over, from your mouth to your ass, and will even use marriage to bait you. When he gets tired of screwing you, he will move on from you. Sounds simple? :) Well, simple but the fact is most stupid women gets deceived in the simplest way into adultery :)

 

So in conclusion, divorce your husband, go ahead with your OM, and see the consequences of your actions. Be patient, your day of hell will come :) be patient

Edited by Windsurf66
Posted

Although I believe this post is a hoax, there is still things to learn from reading it.

 

So often in cases of infidelity, the cheating spouse will defend the actions and behavior of the person she's attracted to...regardless of who bad they are. And many times they are deplorable, aren't they? You'd think the cheater would see this, but in reality, the worse the situation, the harder they try to hang on to it.

 

Women, very often I think (more than men) see this as something they can fix. They can 'rescue' the guy, or (by virtue of their sexiness, worth, etc) 'tame' the player that no woman could tame before. This, so often, puts them in a good light with girlfriends. They gain respect in their eyes and get to enjoy some good, old fashioned prime-time drama too. Just the ticket for the bored; married to good old Mr. Reliable! But he's no fun in the sack...well, not as much as Mr. Player is.

 

To be fair, men also fall into the sexy/exciting trap. All the while resting in the sable, secure home maintained by their loving wives. They don't deserve them.

 

All the more reason to let the cheater go.

Posted

Since she hasn't came back to defend her selfish actions, like all cheaters/OM/OW this must be a troll.

Posted
Since she hasn't came back to defend her selfish actions, like all cheaters/OM/OW this must be a troll.

 

Still bitter I see, eh Dex? Welcome back. We really missed having the poster boy for vitriol.

Posted
Still bitter I see, eh Dex? Welcome back. We really missed having the poster boy for vitriol.

 

You got someone else mixed up with me. Might wanna take that somewhere else.;)

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