EA turning me into an emotional wreck

[Pilates]

I've been in an EA with a MM for several months now. It progressed the way they all seem to...friends to flirting to "Oh sh%$, when did we cross the line?" We don't work together, but our professions are related and therefore bring us into contact with one another on a regular basis. I just want some insight from other OW and former OW who've managed to get through EAs with their self-worth intact. I know it is probably in my best interest for NC now, btw (to the point that it is possible given our professional affiliation).

 

We have never had sex, or any type of physical contact. He'll touch my hair or my arm but no more than people who are just naturally touchy-feely. We've talked about sex (with each other) and had cyber. With cyber, he is much more explicit than face to face. This suggests to me maybe he feels guilt about the whole thing, and it's easier not being face to face. He's confided in me personal things about his wife and their relationship, and also things that (he claims) his wife does not know.

 

Our pattern of contact seems to be: a period of time with innocent, friendly contact; then at some point it heats up (as described above). Shortly after it heats up, he withdraws. This hurts me, but I just sort of ignore my feelings in front of him, and after a little while I begin to feel good again, less drawn to him. Usually at this time he starts paying attention again, and it repeats. This has happened maybe 3 or 4 times.

 

This most recent time, we had the most explicit chats we have ever had, and he was actually very sweet for a few days afterwards, calling me and flirting, etc. Then, all of a sudden the next time I saw him I felt the withdrawal, almost what I would describe as the cold-shoulder. I can't help but ask myself, What did I do to make him mad? Why doesn't he like me now? Why am I not good enough? etc etc.

 

I have NEVER had these issues with relationships. I've been out of one for about 7 months, but it ran its course, I've never been emotionally needy or depdendent on a man's approval to be happy. It's not like I want him to leave his wife. I just feel embarrassed and rejected when he pulls back, to the point that I think maybe he flirts and stuff out of sympathy for me (I know this is ridiculous and irrational....I'm attractive, smart, funny...certainly not pitiable enough for someone to risk their marriage to give a confidence boost to). I like to hope that he feels guilty and wants to end this type of thing out of devotion to his wife, but so far he always does it again. And I think he'd feel comfortable telling me, hey let's take it back to a friend-level.

 

So how do I take back my good feelings about myself? Just chalk it up to him being a game player? I know I am not blameless, b/c he is MM, but one thing I absolutely do not do is toy with his emotions like that. Help....I need my perspective back from women who have been there done that, and made it through ok. I SO wish we had just stayed friendly acquaintances. Thanks.

[desertIslandCactus]

Probably he flirts with you to have fun and build up his ego - while telling himself he's not doing anything wrong, because after all: you're just 'friends'.

 

Appears that he's lying to himself (which is common). The times he pulls away from you - is probably out of guilt.

 

The friendship to emotional portion preceding a PA - are your warning signs. Get out while you still can, and without further more permanent emotional damage.

 

Know that you're just dealing with a bored MM. Don't allow yourself to be used.

[secretlady76]

I've been in an EA with a MM for several months now. It progressed the way they all seem to...friends to flirting to "Oh sh%$, when did we cross the line?" We don't work together, but our professions are related and therefore bring us into contact with one another on a regular basis. I just want some insight from other OW and former OW who've managed to get through EAs with their self-worth intact. I know it is probably in my best interest for NC now, btw (to the point that it is possible given our professional affiliation).

 

We have never had sex, or any type of physical contact. He'll touch my hair or my arm but no more than people who are just naturally touchy-feely. We've talked about sex (with each other) and had cyber. With cyber, he is much more explicit than face to face. This suggests to me maybe he feels guilt about the whole thing, and it's easier not being face to face. He's confided in me personal things about his wife and their relationship, and also things that (he claims) his wife does not know.

 

Our pattern of contact seems to be: a period of time with innocent, friendly contact; then at some point it heats up (as described above). Shortly after it heats up, he withdraws. This hurts me, but I just sort of ignore my feelings in front of him, and after a little while I begin to feel good again, less drawn to him. Usually at this time he starts paying attention again, and it repeats. This has happened maybe 3 or 4 times.

 

This most recent time, we had the most explicit chats we have ever had, and he was actually very sweet for a few days afterwards, calling me and flirting, etc. Then, all of a sudden the next time I saw him I felt the withdrawal, almost what I would describe as the cold-shoulder. I can't help but ask myself, What did I do to make him mad? Why doesn't he like me now? Why am I not good enough? etc etc.

 

I have NEVER had these issues with relationships. I've been out of one for about 7 months, but it ran its course, I've never been emotionally needy or depdendent on a man's approval to be happy. It's not like I want him to leave his wife. I just feel embarrassed and rejected when he pulls back, to the point that I think maybe he flirts and stuff out of sympathy for me (I know this is ridiculous and irrational....I'm attractive, smart, funny...certainly not pitiable enough for someone to risk their marriage to give a confidence boost to). I like to hope that he feels guilty and wants to end this type of thing out of devotion to his wife, but so far he always does it again. And I think he'd feel comfortable telling me, hey let's take it back to a friend-level.

 

So how do I take back my good feelings about myself? Just chalk it up to him being a game player? I know I am not blameless, b/c he is MM, but one thing I absolutely do not do is toy with his emotions like that. Help....I need my perspective back from women who have been there done that, and made it through ok. I SO wish we had just stayed friendly acquaintances. Thanks.

 

You need to stop this now. This pattern will continue as long as the relationship continues. The highs and the lows will get worse, any bit of self-worth you're still clutching onto will vanish and you will be totally miserable. When he 'acts' the way you want him to you'll be euphoric, when he ignores you, you will become a shell of a woman. He is married and his loyalties lie not with you, but with the wife. You will realise this when the wife finds out (she will, trust me) and he throws you under the bus...if you think you've seen cold shoulder now, you ain't seen nothing yet. He make you feel totally worthless.

 

You cannot even be friends with this man now. Not now the EA has happened. You need to break all contact with him, do not see him, speak to him....NOTHING. Ignore any attempts by him to contact you, he will try when he needs an ego stroke, and I'm afraid that is all you are to him; he just tries to make you feel special and important by confiding in you and being sweet occasionally.

 

You've been warned...you're already an emotional wreck, what does this tell you about the relationship and about him? Oh, and if you think I have no idea what you're talking about, I do, just read my posts. Thank goodness I saw the light.

[Mme. Chaucer]

It seems obvious ... this "relationship" is not good for you, and you need to get out of it. You knew that already, right? Interesting that you didn't even touch on that concept in your OP. You seem extremely passive in the situation. In fact, you are actively engaging in an EA which is not helping you in ANY way (I mean, if you really want / need to have cybersex, I'm sure you can accomplish that with someone you won't have to deal with IRL).

 

The guy has clearly demonstrated, multiple times, how he's going to behave with you regarding your "activities" with him. If it is crushing your self esteem ... and nowhere do you say that you are having serious feelings for him, so that's not at play ... WHY go on participating?

[Heather1]

You'll be in a PA before you know it! He's flip-flopping already, which is why he's so moody.

 

I can give you 2 instances where this has happened to me. The first one was over a decade ago & we flirted, but no email contact, etc.. When I felt too close I'd back off for weeks at a time until I got over it. We're now good friends, and I worked with him for years.

 

The 2nd didn't turn out so hot, because for some reason I figured nothing happened w/ the first & it turned out well, so really I had nothing to worry about?? Stupid.

 

Back off now, it's WAY easier than backing off later!! Once you cross the line you're going to be entrenched & it'll be harder to get out. None of it's easy & that moodiness now will be more extreme later. I told MM we were headed for trouble, etc., & he assured me that it was all fine & above board. Trust your gut!!

[Pilates]

When he 'acts' the way you want him to you'll be euphoric, when he ignores you, you will become a shell of a woman.

 

I can tell you know what you're talking about w/out reading your posts. This is spot on. It's weak-kneed, butterflies in stomach type of euphoria. The good thing though is that when I do break away, not communicate with him, it doesn't take terribly long for me to lose my feelings of longing. It's just in those moments of contact with him that I feel over my head with the euphoria. I think if I can manage a good solid few weeks of NC I will feel a lot better. I appreciate your bluntness.

[Pilates]

and nowhere do you say that you are having serious feelings for him, so that's not at play ... WHY go on participating?

 

This made me think....as selfish as it sounds, I participate b/c it feels amazing to be showered with attention by him. It makes me feel so good...I don't know why. There is an undeniable attraction between us that I don't think I've felt so strongly with another man....it's so strong you can almost touch it.

But I know him well enough to know I would never want a relationship with him, even if he were single - he would drive me crazy if I had to live with or see him all the time, go through the unglamorous parts of everyday life with him.

I realize I'm almost saying opposite things here...rationally I see that he is just a ordinary, flawed person, but when the "euphoria" takes over you'd think he was a Greek God. I feel like I am under a spell when I am interacting with him when things are good - I don't mean to say this as if to suggest I can't control how I react to him - because I can - but it's the only way I can think of to put it into words. I think that is why I have been participating up to this point. I'm usually one to not be overwhelmed in romance - I just sort of go with the flow....so this is all perplexing to me, in addition to the other assorted feelings it brings out.

But I know that NC is the way to go. I just want to feel good about myself again because of ME, who I am, not b/c of what he says/does. Thank you for responding.

[TurboGirl]

Probably he flirts with you to have fun and build up his ego - while telling himself he's not doing anything wrong, because after all: you're just 'friends'.

 

Appears that he's lying to himself (which is common). The times he pulls away from you - is probably out of guilt.

 

The friendship to emotional portion preceding a PA - are your warning signs. Get out while you still can, and without further more permanent emotional damage.

 

Know that you're just dealing with a bored MM. Don't allow yourself to be used.

 

I second that. Could not agree more...

 

Please go NC and limit the talk to strictly business. This guy is using you to break up the monotony and to feel good about himself. NC... and put a nice hard wall when you have to speak to this man about business.

 

Going NC is what will allow you to heal and to start getting your self esteem back and feeling better.

[Jane Deaux]

Our pattern of contact seems to be: a period of time with innocent, friendly contact; then at some point it heats up (as described above). Shortly after it heats up, he withdraws. This hurts me, but I just sort of ignore my feelings in front of him, and after a little while I begin to feel good again, less drawn to him. Usually at this time he starts paying attention again, and it repeats. This has happened maybe 3 or 4 times.

 

This most recent time, we had the most explicit chats we have ever had, and he was actually very sweet for a few days afterwards, calling me and flirting, etc. Then, all of a sudden the next time I saw him I felt the withdrawal, almost what I would describe as the cold-shoulder. I can't help but ask myself, What did I do to make him mad? Why doesn't he like me now? Why am I not good enough? etc etc.

 

This is purely an observation. Only because I and plenty of people I know have had this problem before. How much of this quoted above is because of the challenge he presents when he pulls away? I am not definitely saying that you are experiencing this, but plenty of times we are more attracted to someone when they present us with a challenge. You guys flirt and act sexy, he enjoys it for awhile then gets bored, you wonder why, you want him to want you, but then you pull yourself together and then you become a bit distant, he sees a challenge, comes back for more, ect ect.

 

It doesn't really sound like you have described a full blown emotional affair. But that's only my opinion, I don't lay down the law on EA's But I would think you would be a bit more emotionally involved rather than just, shall I say, chemically? Anyway, just a thought. But it seems to me at this point you should go ahead and pull the plug. And that it wouldn't be very hard. But you would also need to be aware that he could also perceive a challenge presented and pursue you more, and you would have to keep strong. :/ I am sure plenty of EA/PA start just like this though, so be careful while you still can.

Edited March 12, 2011 by Jane Deaux

[Pilates]

It doesn't really sound like you have described a full blown emotional affair.

 

On the infidelity boards, it seems like EA is used to describe anything inappropriate that falls short of physical contact. I suppose it's all a matter of semantics, anyway. Perhaps I misrepresented the extent of our relationship by using that term, but I've seen many people told they are in denial and called cheaters and worse on the other board by referring to their "interactions" otherwise. Was just trying to avoid that here, though this board seems comprised of a more understanding crowd.

[whichwayisup]

This made me think....as selfish as it sounds, I participate b/c it feels amazing to be showered with attention by him. It makes me feel so good...I don't know why. There is an undeniable attraction between us that I don't think I've felt so strongly with another man....it's so strong you can almost touch it.

But I know him well enough to know I would never want a relationship with him, even if he were single - he would drive me crazy if I had to live with or see him all the time, go through the unglamorous parts of everyday life with him.

I realize I'm almost saying opposite things here...rationally I see that he is just a ordinary, flawed person, but when the "euphoria" takes over you'd think he was a Greek God. I feel like I am under a spell when I am interacting with him when things are good - I don't mean to say this as if to suggest I can't control how I react to him - because I can - but it's the only way I can think of to put it into words. I think that is why I have been participating up to this point. I'm usually one to not be overwhelmed in romance - I just sort of go with the flow....so this is all perplexing to me, in addition to the other assorted feelings it brings out.

But I know that NC is the way to go. I just want to feel good about myself again because of ME, who I am, not b/c of what he says/does. Thank you for responding.

 

There's an attraction and it's chemical for sure. The thing is, it's not a healthy one. He's like a drug to you, you get high then there's a huge low afterwards.. And, your self esteem takes a hit every time, you probably aren't the same happy woman you once were before the A started.

 

You rely on him emotionally to build you up, the ego feed, how he makes you feel -- You need that, you want that. Problem is the damage it's doing to you and it's so unhealthy. The dynamic of it all.

 

This is your life and you get a big say on how it goes. When you've had enough you will walk away and do everything possible to fix "you" and be strong. It make take months, years.. But, you have to want it over, put effort in, get help (counseling), work hard to get him out of your blood. Question is, what do you want?

[Jane Deaux]

I do apologize if I seemed to be less than understanding. I wasn't meaning to discuss your use of the term EA, just that maybe you weren't 100% emotionally invested yet. And if you weren't there yet maybe it would be easier to stop the affair before you went even further. It's definitely a "mental affair" Maybe that can be a new term. But rather than continuing and having more emotions become involved than you seem to have described you could start ending it now, because I'm sure there will be time and steps involved in ending it. It most likely won't just be an Okay, I'm done. End of story.

[Pilates]

I do apologize if I seemed to be less than understanding. I wasn't meaning to discuss your use of the term EA, just that maybe you weren't 100% emotionally invested yet. And if you weren't there yet maybe it would be easier to stop the affair before you went even further. It's definitely a "mental affair" Maybe that can be a new term. But rather than continuing and having more emotions become involved than you seem to have described you could start ending it now, because I'm sure there will be time and steps involved in ending it. It most likely won't just be an Okay, I'm done. End of story.

 

No worries...I didn't mean you weren't understanding, just that this board seems much more so than the other, which honestly I would be afraid to post on. I hate electronic communications for the reason that tone can't be transmitted and it is easy to misinterpret.

[spice4life]

No worries...I didn't mean you weren't understanding, just that this board seems much more so than the other, which honestly I would be afraid to post on. I hate electronic communications for the reason that tone can't be transmitted and it is easy to misinterpret.

 

I know what you mean. I was going to post a question over there that came to my mind and got a little nervous after I read a few terse comments. It took a little of the steam out of my engine...lol. I guess I need some time to collect my thoughts before posting any questions over there.

[Jane Deaux]

I'm also frightened of "over there"

[hollygirl]

Hi Pilates, I was so struck by your OP, as this is almost exactly what happened to me and I felt you articulated the the situation and feelings that result so accurately. I have never posted as I have never felt ready to deal with the replies. My only advice would be to stop this now and do not be tempted to move on to PA. Unfortunately I did and all I can say is the overwhelming highs and heart-breaking lows are so much more intense.

 

My life has been so changed..for the worst... for several years, I am now trying to do what I should have done at the start. Whilst I don't know if it would have been any easier to do it then, I do know I would have been a long way closer to recovery by now.

 

Please think about the future pain that will result if you go on.

 

Good luck.

[Pilates]

I was feeling better Saturday thanks to all of your great replies when Saturday night I heard from him and he told me he was going to stop by somewhere that I was going to be the next day (totally appropriate place, public, NOT a place to put the moves on). Like a moron, I was all excited, made myself look extra pretty, and of course he didn't show, and no word from him. When I saw him today (work-related), I got an ordinary hello but no more friendly contact, and Saturday's contact/his not showing was not mentioned.

 

Why would somebody do this hot-cold act? Why after the week and a half of withdrawal/ignoring me would he all of a sudden make contact (totally unsolicited by me) and then be a no show after HE SAYS he'll come to see me? What is the point? How can it not be b/c of me personally?

 

I'm sorry to be needy...I was feeling empowered by all of your words and then my resolve just crumbled when I heard from him.

 

Any advice for NC? Just jump in?

[Heather1]

He chickened out. One of these times he's not going to chicken out & no matter how public a place I swear those phermones are making reality invisible. I stopped by OM's work, no chance of anything happening there AT ALL!! Yet, that's where we first kissed.

 

That jerking around just got worse too. Here's what I regret, I REALLY liked him!! We had so much fun before the PA & if I would have just backed off until the attraction faded I'm sure we would have been in eachother's lives forever, like I am w/ the other male friends in my life....the one's who love & respect me.

 

I wouldn't recommend this route to my worst enemy.

[BB07]

I was feeling better Saturday thanks to all of your great replies when Saturday night I heard from him and he told me he was going to stop by somewhere that I was going to be the next day (totally appropriate place, public, NOT a place to put the moves on). Like a moron, I was all excited, made myself look extra pretty, and of course he didn't show, and no word from him. When I saw him today (work-related), I got an ordinary hello but no more friendly contact, and Saturday's contact/his not showing was not mentioned.

 

Why would somebody do this hot-cold act? Why after the week and a half of withdrawal/ignoring me would he all of a sudden make contact (totally unsolicited by me) and then be a no show after HE SAYS he'll come to see me? What is the point? How can it not be b/c of me personally?

 

I'm sorry to be needy...I was feeling empowered by all of your words and then my resolve just crumbled when I heard from him.

 

Any advice for NC? Just jump in?

 

I think you are just gonna have to dive in. Try to rid yourself of the notion that this man is your friend. A real friend would not jerk you around, even if it's explainable, it still doesn't excuse it.

My BFF is another female and I also have another BF who is a guy. Neither one of these people would ever treat me in a disrespectful or hurtful way. That is the measure of a true friend.

[whichwayisup]

I was feeling better Saturday thanks to all of your great replies when Saturday night I heard from him and he told me he was going to stop by somewhere that I was going to be the next day (totally appropriate place, public, NOT a place to put the moves on). Like a moron, I was all excited, made myself look extra pretty, and of course he didn't show, and no word from him. When I saw him today (work-related), I got an ordinary hello but no more friendly contact, and Saturday's contact/his not showing was not mentioned.

 

What an ass.hole!!!!!!!! Such disrespect to you. He's no friend of yours, nor does he care about your feelings. Hate to say it, but this hopefully IS your enough is enough phase, the line he crossed that pushed you too far and now you're really ready to get him OUT of your blood, do strick NC. Only speak to him about work related issues, anything short of that - NC.

 

Why would somebody do this hot-cold act? Why after the week and a half of withdrawal/ignoring me would he all of a sudden make contact (totally unsolicited by me) and then be a no show after HE SAYS he'll come to see me? What is the point? How can it not be b/c of me personally?

Why? Because he can. HE thinks you're weak and will put up with this treatment. He figures in a week or two when you are calmer and "miss him" or are having withdrawal from him, he can contact you again and you'll willingly see him because he'll try to manipulate you into believing that he REALLY needs to see you, he misses you and he'll tell you what you want to hear so you'll cave. Don't fall for it! He's got a huge ego and he's treating you poorly. NO excuse for that.

 

I'm sorry to be needy...I was feeling empowered by all of your words and then my resolve just crumbled when I heard from him.

 

Don't be sorry..Just do something about it. Change those feelings of neediness into something positive. Use it to fuel yourself to get away from him and get over him.

 

See, he knows you'll crumble like apple pie. He knows (selfishly) how to get what he wants from you..He knows your weaknesses and he uses it against you. The key is, don't give him that opportunity! Just don't answer the phone. Delete messages without listening to them.

 

Any advice for NC? Just jump in?

 

Jump in. If you want to, send him ONE email that tells him you no longer want him in your life, that he's gone too far and disrespected you too often, that it's time for him to respect YOUR wishes, which is to leave you alone. make it clear to him that you won't be replying to any future personal emails from him.

[Heather1]

ya know, I was thinking of the time when I was stood up like you were & that's where I should have drawn the line. Now that I look at which way's post, I have to wonder if it was a test? Like being groomed.....& I'm not kidding. Like if I put up w/ that, what else would I deal with?

 

Ugh....RUN!!!

[BB07]

ya know, I was thinking of the time when I was stood up like you were & that's where I should have drawn the line. Now that I look at which way's post, I have to wonder if it was a test? Like being groomed.....& I'm not kidding. Like if I put up w/ that, what else would I deal with?

 

Ugh....RUN!!!

 

Most people in relationships test the limits from time to time, so I don't see how an affair would be much different, well actually an affair situation where someone is getting played.....of course they are going to see how far they can push you or where the line in the sand is.

 

Sidenote.......when I look back and I see clearly how I was YES manipulated it still makes me angry sometimes.

[desertIslandCactus]

NC starts in your mind. When you know you've had enough and who You Are. Do it all from within.

 

I wouldn't contact him again to tell him anything. Let him feel as uncertain as he's made you feel. No words from you unwork related. If he says anything personal to you, walk away.

[Pilates]

Thanks again...I'm trying to feel p*ssed off and fed up. I guess the bottom line as far as me fretting about his reasons is that it is his behavior and his problem. I've done more obsessing and analyzing of his behavior than in my last 2 relationships combined. Sometimes I am so strong...I can be strong again.

 

I am not going to say anything to him about cutting contact. Just gonna do it. He'd prob react as if he doesn't know what I'm talking about....seems to be his MO....open up mostly via phone or online chat, act like nothing is going on in person. I guess that way he can go home to his wife and have a clear conscience, however messed up that is. If he'll betray his wife by telling me intimate details of their lack of a sex life, or worse if he's lying about her, then I guess I am a fool to think he'd have any loyalty to me.

[desertIslandCactus]

Thanks again...I'm trying to feel p*ssed off and fed up. I guess the bottom line as far as me fretting about his reasons is that it is his behavior and his problem. I've done more obsessing and analyzing of his behavior than in my last 2 relationships combined. Sometimes I am so strong...I can be strong again.

 

I am not going to say anything to him about cutting contact. Just gonna do it. He'd prob react as if he doesn't know what I'm talking about....seems to be his MO....open up mostly via phone or online chat, act like nothing is going on in person. I guess that way he can go home to his wife and have a clear conscience, however messed up that is. If he'll betray his wife by telling me intimate details of their lack of a sex life, or worse if he's lying about her, then I guess I am a fool to think he'd have any loyalty to me.

 

He's made a fantasy life for himself, and using your emotions to do it. Cut him off.