silktricks Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Sparks, I think you are amazing that after 3 years you are SO together. At 3 years I was still a puddle of mush. Trust me, everything is going to be fine for you.
What_Next Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Reading this is both a comfort and a reality check for me all rolled into 1. I am only 6 months past D-day and to know that I have to look forward to more days like this, more triggers etc shakes me. On the flip side reading how much progress you all are making gives me the confidence to go on. Spark it sounds to me like this was yet another bump in the road on a long, long journey. Pull over, change that flat and get back out on the highway. Pull the top down, let the wind get in your hair and the sunshine on your face. Let it warm your heart and give you the courage to continue on. I always enjoy reading your posts and I hope that you continue to do so.
donnamaybe Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I think it time to take a kickazz kick-boxing class....What do you think? I think that's a WONDERFUL idea! Not only will it help in those moments like these to work off some of the irritation (anger isn't quite the right word in your case, I don't think), it will empower you and make you feel better even on the already good days!
Author Spark1111 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I take a kick boxing class twice a week and get to kick the shXt out of the bag, the instructor asked me how, at 64 years old, I could tear up the bag, I told him its not a bag, but my x. Hahahaha! Friends of ours have target pistols and are having a lot of fun with it. They have invited us to join them, but my H joked to me: "We can't. You might shoot me!":p:p
Author Spark1111 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I can now drive to the local airport to pick up a relative without having to pull over and vomit as I pass all those cheap airport hotels they use to frequent. Ugh! Shower anyone???? And today I think what does love have to do with sordid cheaps hotels? Jeez....at least he always brought me to a 4-sta Oh yes I so remember having to drive past the cheap, nasty hotel where they had 2 hour meets. I used to pull over and throw up too. I did it once with a very important client in my car, on getting back in he asked if I was ill, so I said no it's just that, that hotel really makes me sick. Poor man thought I had lost the plot. In the end I booked myself in had a look around and left, pretty dammed sharpish. It meant I at least knew the layout, the sort of rooms they had etc, no more mind games from that one. If I were seeing someone and they took me to a cheap hotel for 2 hours in the afternoon as a love tryst, I think I would seriously be looking at my expectations and standards for myself. Hell, 2 hours is just foreplay, and that's just the schmoozing. Next time you have a trigger, pull it and shoot the dammed memory out of the water. xx That's is what I do! Right between the eyes. After a rough night shortly after DDAY, I did go and stay in one of those hotels. Checking in as a woman alone, the hotel clerk put me in a room in a hallway that had an exit to a back parking lot. She also asked if I wanted to pay cash. (Uh, no.) All night long, that parking lot door opened and I heard single footsteps going up the stairs or down the hallway! It was a way for another person to enter the building without being seen in the lobby, and meet whomever they needed to in a room! Ugh! I supposed she thought a woman alone was there to meet her lover. I checked out the next morning, drove home, showered, and went to work! And I tried really hard to wrap my head around how do you do this? How do you sneak into a lower-budget national chain on a bright sunny afternoon after (she) asking your mom to watch your young son because you had a professional meeting you claimed you had to attend, and he: "I have to visit a site in such and such a town and you know I never get service there." And I couldn't, in a million years, imagine what it takes to do that.
BB07 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 This is just a bump Spark, I have absolute faith you will make it through it and be just fine. Look how far you've come! Hugs...........
Linda9999 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 You have two years more experience handling triggers than I do, so I don't really have any advice. I just want you to know that I enjoy your posts and I take strength from what you have to say.
Author Spark1111 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Sparks, I think you are amazing that after 3 years you are SO together. At 3 years I was still a puddle of mush. Trust me, everything is going to be fine for you. Thank you so much for this vote of confidence! This really helps! :bunny: Somedays I do not feel together at all! But hearing how well I am doing from someone who has been there means everything to me! And that includes ALL therapists! By virtue of having the degree, they are entitled and allowed to counsel on Infidelity! Big mistake, IMHO. What they learn in textbooks, is BullS! Now, I walk into the room and demand to know to three things: How long have you been married? Happily so? Have you ever had to overcome Infidelity? If they so NO to any of the above, and man have some tried to dodge and weave on my questions...I do not see them again! Because this is one of my personal truths: Unless you have successfully recovered from Infidelity, you can NEVER truly understand how hard it is or the emotions involved in doing so! So thank you Silktricks! Not many have the experience to say to me what you just did! And that means the world!
Author Spark1111 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 Reading this is both a comfort and a reality check for me all rolled into 1. I am only 6 months past D-day and to know that I have to look forward to more days like this, more triggers etc shakes me. On the flip side reading how much progress you all are making gives me the confidence to go on. Spark it sounds to me like this was yet another bump in the road on a long, long journey. Pull over, change that flat and get back out on the highway. Pull the top down, let the wind get in your hair and the sunshine on your face. Let it warm your heart and give you the courage to continue on. I always enjoy reading your posts and I hope that you continue to do so. Thank you so much! I have always tried to be brutally honest on these pages. I believe it was because I could not be brutally honest in real life. And writing has always been therapeutic for me. Infidelity FRIGHTENS people: your children(young adults); your family(who also fear change) and your friends (who have preconceived notions of what THEY would or wouldn't do in your sitch, also out of fear). Then you have to deal with your spouse, who also may be in pain and fear. Many therapists are also a waste of time, IMO. I am the poster child of therapy. Good, many of them, but when it comes to infidelity, ahhhh no, not so good. The Freudian textbook does not match the feelings, sorry. Yes, please read up on the stages of grief. They are the same as what is experienced after PTSD. And ready or not, here it comes!!!!!!
Author Spark1111 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I think that's a WONDERFUL idea! Not only will it help in those moments like these to work off some of the irritation (anger isn't quite the right word in your case, I don't think), it will empower you and make you feel better even on the already good days! Thanks Donna, I agree! What I do during the day is detail=oriented, and extremely precise. So I signed up for stained-glass making for beginners. Big mistake. Why??? Because I was looking for a creative and artistic outlet, and what was stained glass making? Detail orented and extremely precise! What I needed was to hurl pain at a nine-foot canvas, Jackson Pollock-style.:laugh: So maybe it is time to get off the treadmill, and kick-box to oblivion!;)
Author Spark1111 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 This is just a bump Spark, I have absolute faith you will make it through it and be just fine. Look how far you've come! Hugs........... Thanks BB! You too!
Author Spark1111 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 You have two years more experience handling triggers than I do, so I don't really have any advice. I just want you to know that I enjoy your posts and I take strength from what you have to say. Thank you Linda! 2.5 years after DDAY was a huge turning point for me, and even I, who analyze everything, and unsure why that was! Generally, things are great and I/we are fine, and than something inconsequential comes along and just kicks me in the stomach like a sucker punch. And that is the scariest thing to deal with; that it seems outside of my control. And maybe it is supposed to be uncontrollable, is what I have learned. Maybe it is trying to teach me something about myself, or him, or us. And I just try to go with the flow now and learn from it and share it with him! But that is where the trouble starts. Sharing with my best friend does not always have the desired result for me. If it were any other situation or person who triggered this much pain in me, he and I would talk for hours about it! But because it was him, I cannot get the same response, though I yearn for it! And I am not sure I can do anything about that, and it can make me really sad at times, not to be sharing all of it with my best friend.
silktricks Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 And I just try to go with the flow now and learn from it and share it with him! But that is where the trouble starts. Sharing with my best friend does not always have the desired result for me. If it were any other situation or person who triggered this much pain in me, he and I would talk for hours about it! But because it was him, I cannot get the same response, though I yearn for it! And I am not sure I can do anything about that, and it can make me really sad at times, not to be sharing all of it with my best friend. This part was the hardest for me. I thought it would be something we could discuss after all was said and done. Just talk about - like everything else we had ever talked about. We can't. He simply cannot, as the guilt destroys his capability to do so. Though I can understand that, it did make me sad for quite some time that something that impacted our life so thoroughly became a subject to be avoided. Eventually we grew to talk "around" it. Never actually broaching the subject, but both knowing what we were saying. It was awkward for me for a long while, but is no longer.
Snowflower Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 This is an interesting thread. A few threads here recently have caused me to do some thinking and sparked me starting some conversations with my H. I am in a little different place than you, Spark and Silk, because my H will talk about it when I want to. (which isn't very often) We talked about his A this weekend in more detail than we had in a long time. My H is remorseful and I believe fully realizes the impact of his choices a few years ago. He has learned and grown from his failures. However, I realized that I haven't fully forgiven him. I am at 2+ years from d-day and I'm disappointed with myself that I haven't forgiven. So, it is reassuring to me to read here that forgiveness can happen eventually. Spark, I think you're doing really well and your openness here about your journey has been so helpful to me. I always look forward to reading your posts. I would suggest going and buying a great new set of dishes so that everything matches. You know, out with the old, in with new!
Author Spark1111 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 This part was the hardest for me. I thought it would be something we could discuss after all was said and done. Just talk about - like everything else we had ever talked about. We can't. He simply cannot, as the guilt destroys his capability to do so. Though I can understand that, it did make me sad for quite some time that something that impacted our life so thoroughly became a subject to be avoided. Eventually we grew to talk "around" it. Never actually broaching the subject, but both knowing what we were saying. It was awkward for me for a long while, but is no longer. Me too! Conversation is definitely one of my love languages. So I have become a blogging fiend! It is also how I heal: read, research, write and discourse! But not this topic, not with him, not really.
Author Spark1111 Posted March 15, 2011 Author Posted March 15, 2011 This is an interesting thread. A few threads here recently have caused me to do some thinking and sparked me starting some conversations with my H. I am in a little different place than you, Spark and Silk, because my H will talk about it when I want to. (which isn't very often) We talked about his A this weekend in more detail than we had in a long time. My H is remorseful and I believe fully realizes the impact of his choices a few years ago. He has learned and grown from his failures. However, I realized that I haven't fully forgiven him. I am at 2+ years from d-day and I'm disappointed with myself that I haven't forgiven. So, it is reassuring to me to read here that forgiveness can happen eventually. Spark, I think you're doing really well and your openness here about your journey has been so helpful to me. I always look forward to reading your posts. I would suggest going and buying a great new set of dishes so that everything matches. You know, out with the old, in with new! I think as I headed towards acceptance, the last and final stage...a lot of the old feelings came up for one last spin on the tilt-a-whirl. And the inherent unfairness of this last trigger, well, just brought back all the inherent unfairness of the affair.
silktricks Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 This is an interesting thread. A few threads here recently have caused me to do some thinking and sparked me starting some conversations with my H. I am in a little different place than you, Spark and Silk, because my H will talk about it when I want to. (which isn't very often) We talked about his A this weekend in more detail than we had in a long time. My H is remorseful and I believe fully realizes the impact of his choices a few years ago. He has learned and grown from his failures. However, I realized that I haven't fully forgiven him. I am at 2+ years from d-day and I'm disappointed with myself that I haven't forgiven. So, it is reassuring to me to read here that forgiveness can happen eventually. Spark, I think you're doing really well and your openness here about your journey has been so helpful to me. I always look forward to reading your posts. I would suggest going and buying a great new set of dishes so that everything matches. You know, out with the old, in with new! At 2.5 years we were still talking about it - still talking about it heatedly to be honest. I was still in tatters and still obsessing and a long way from forgiving. I was trying to forgive, but couldn't convince myself at that point that it was going to truly happen. At some point, though, and I wish I could tell you what point it was, I realized I was done. I had all the answers I needed. I could see his devastation at what he had done. I knew that I was at a point of decision. It was over for me. Truly over. Done and gone. Or it was time to divorce. I decided it was over. Once I made that decision that was into my bones. Then, it was over. I would never have been able to do that, though, if I hadn't gone through the depths of pain and anguish first - and ripped him apart right along with me. If he hadn't been able to be ripped apart along with me, it wouldn't have happened either. I don't think a person can truly forgive if the person needing the forgiveness isn't willing or able to dive into the depths with them.
Snowflower Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 At 2.5 years we were still talking about it - still talking about it heatedly to be honest. I was still in tatters and still obsessing and a long way from forgiving. I was trying to forgive, but couldn't convince myself at that point that it was going to truly happen. At some point, though, and I wish I could tell you what point it was, I realized I was done. I had all the answers I needed. I could see his devastation at what he had done. I knew that I was at a point of decision. It was over for me. Truly over. Done and gone. Or it was time to divorce. I decided it was over. Once I made that decision that was into my bones. Then, it was over. I would never have been able to do that, though, if I hadn't gone through the depths of pain and anguish first - and ripped him apart right along with me. If he hadn't been able to be ripped apart along with me, it wouldn't have happened either. I don't think a person can truly forgive if the person needing the forgiveness isn't willing or able to dive into the depths with them. This is good to know, silk! And I did feel a whole lot better after I talked to my H about my lack of forgiveness. He was very, very strong for me. It really helped a lot. Sorry to threadjack, Spark.
silktricks Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 it is hard sometimes...my husband still has to work with her ( he wasn't eligible for a posting this year), so, like it or not, we still live fairly close to her and I see her at squadron events ( holiday parties, mess dinners, etc.) . She still emails me sometimes saying that we should be friends, but I just ignore her. What planet did you say she was from???? There was a restaurant they went to that I had always wanted to try but couldn't because of the idea that they went there together. Finally, one day i "bit the bullet" and we went. I was glad I did- took away a bit more of the power that the affair has over me. Too bad the food wasn't good and it was overpriced given the quality of the food and service, but at least I "conquered one of my demons" it will happen... it just takes time ( and a little help if you need it) Yeah, I had demons too. We went together to every place they went, and then I also went alone - to do my own exorcism. Now I really don't care.
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