Ugh! First Trigger in a Long Time!

[Spark1111]

Slightly more than 3 years after DDAY, I had a trigger and a bad one.

 

Just when I thought I was out of the woods, here it all came back to me, and I went on a 24 hour emotional rollercoaster again.

 

The OW's xH happens to live in our area. He is remarried to his last AP and they now have a child together. (I guess this was his exit affair?) This is his second child, as he and the OW have a child also.

 

It was a very acrimonious divorce and litigation continues to this day over assets. They also fight constantly, and play games with the child they do share.

 

My H said it was horrible and he really felt for her child! he also said that the bitterness she had, and the extent that she ranted against her x, made him believe that she still had feelings for him.

 

Nevertheless, I work in an industry that this family's (xH) name crosses my desk several times a year.

 

And when it does, guess what?

 

It brings back the inherent unfairness of this affair, and the conscious or

unconscious revenge elements in it.

 

They knew before I did. My H said he was so angry when he heard that from her. She took a long time to tell him of my "work" exposure in this regard. But obviously not enough to stop the affair.

 

So I thought, what did I do to jeopardize them and their careers after DDAY?

 

Absolutely nothing. I would never do anything to hurt a child, mine or her's.

 

Too much class.

 

And their affair was a workplace affair, again in an industry that could have had huge implications for both of their jobs if I was so inclined.

 

So today I am angry and sad, and he's apologized, but still....

 

These affairs can be the gift that just keeps giving. And today my resentment is huge.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Comments?

[WorldIsYours]

Slightly more than 3 years after DDAY, I had a trigger and a bad one.

 

Just when I thought I was out of the woods, here it all came back to me, and I went on a 24 hour emotional rollercoaster again.

 

The OW's xH happens to live in our area. He is remarried to his last AP and they now have a child together. (I guess this was his exit affair?) This is his second child, as he and the OW have a child also.

 

It was a very acrimonious divorce and litigation continues to this day over assets. They also fight constantly, and play games with the child they do share.

 

My H said it was horrible and he really felt for her child! he also said that the bitterness she had, and the extent that she ranted against her x, made him believe that she still had feelings for him.

 

Nevertheless, I work in an industry that this family's (xH) name crosses my desk several times a year.

 

And when it does, guess what?

 

It brings back the inherent unfairness of this affair, and the conscious or

unconscious revenge elements in it.

 

They knew before I did. My H said he was so angry when he heard that from her. She took a long time to tell him of my "work" exposure in this regard. But obviously not enough to stop the affair.

 

So I thought, what did I do to jeopardize them and their careers after DDAY?

 

Absolutely nothing. I would never do anything to hurt a child, mine or her's.

 

Too much class.

 

And their affair was a workplace affair, again in an industry that could have had huge implications for both of their jobs if I was so inclined.

 

So today I am angry and sad, and he's apologized, but still....

 

These affairs can be the gift that just keeps giving. And today my resentment is huge.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Comments?

 

This is evidence that the pain of affairs only dwindle down to the size of a dot. Don't worry you'll be fine. I do wonder how did you receive this intel, and why is your H so "worried" about OW and her business?

[whichwayisup]

This is evidence that the pain of affairs only dwindle down to the size of a dot. Don't worry you'll be fine. I do wonder how did you receive this intel, and why is your H so "worried" about OW and her business?

 

I agree, why he is so concerned and is knowing personal details of exOW's life now or exOW exH is strange.

 

My H said it was horrible and he really felt for her child! he also said that the bitterness she had, and the extent that she ranted against her x, made him believe that she still had feelings for him.

 

WHY is he still talking to her on a personal basis???? I'd be pissed off, it's disrespectful towards you and all the work that's been done.

 

SOrry that you're having a tough day. Glad he apologized, but he needs to take it a step further and cut ALL contact with her. It's gossip and stuff he shouldn't know or care about. All that does is keep the memory of it alive and feeds his ego abit..Sorry to say that Spark. It worries me that he still sees/talks to her and knows about personal life.

[Spark1111]

They work for the same company. Had I ratted them out at DDAY, they could have lost their jobs.

 

I wouldn't hurt my children or her child, regardless of what happened to my marriage. I was convinced we were divorcing.

 

But here I am 3 years after DDAY, the OW and her xH hatred still rages through the courts, and now I have exposure at my job in that I work in an industry the provides services to the xH and his new family.

 

If he ever knew of the affair, he may use it to hurt her and I may be a victim of splashback at my job.

[Spark1111]

I agree, why he is so concerned and is knowing personal details of exOW's life now or exOW exH is strange.

 

 

 

WHY is he still talking to her on a personal basis???? I'd be pissed off, it's disrespectful towards you and all the work that's been done.

 

SOrry that you're having a tough day. Glad he apologized, but he needs to take it a step further and cut ALL contact with her. It's gossip and stuff he shouldn't know or care about. All that does is keep the memory of it alive and feeds his ego abit..Sorry to say that Spark. It worries me that he still sees/talks to her and knows about personal life.

 

I'm sorry. I am not making myself clear.

 

There is NC.

 

This was info he learned well into the affair.

[freestyle]

I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting again, Spark.

 

I think that even though it feels really good to take the high road---(like you did)---there's bound to be a lot of "shoulda coulda woulda's" that still niggle at the back of one's mind.

 

I don't have any stellar advice for you, as I'm a 'high road" person myself--I can only offer empathy for how you're feeling today.(((((Spark))))))

 

....maybe indulge in imagining a couple of revenge fantasies involving duct tape and permanent marker?..........(helps me feel a little better anyways...)

[Spark1111]

I'm so sorry to hear you're hurting again, Spark.

 

I think that even though it feels really good to take the high road---(like you did)---there's bound to be a lot of "shoulda coulda woulda's" that still niggle at the back of one's mind.

 

I don't have any stellar advice for you, as I'm a 'high road" person myself--I can only offer empathy for how you're feeling today.(((((Spark))))))

 

....maybe indulge in imagining a couple of revenge fantasies involving duct tape and permanent marker?..........(helps me feel a little better anyways...)

 

Love it! And I did already! Getting hired at her workplace to see her twitch!

 

Having an old boyfriend hired at his office?

 

Some sort of occasional reminder in their workplaces so they can understand this pain?

[Hazyhead]

I'm so sorry, Spark, that you're hurting right now. I hope, and am sure, that it's just a moment and shall pass. I don't mean to trivialise it at all, but I do believe in your status as the 'bigger person'. You have that status for a reason. Talk to him, as you always, do, don't hide it away for fear that you should be over it by now.

 

Urgh. Hugs,

Hazy

[Jonah]

I wish I could put together such a long peace as you had. Count that period of serenity as a blessing you sparkling sparkler you. Sorry to read that your hurt still hurts. Me too Sparks.... me too. Would it help to take it out on your husband in bed?

 

Ya, those old words make no sense. I get the added burden of remembering a thoughtful and kind apology that I could not hear when it mattered. You did listen and kept your heart open. So count that as another blessing.

 

-Jonah.

[Summer Breeze]

Hang tough girl. You've made it this far and you'll make it the rest of the way as well.

 

You had the courage to do what I couldn't and you've made it.

 

Can I tell you a secret? I get triggers too. I ended my M immediately when xH confessed. To this day a song will hit the radio or my child will move in a certain way and my heart skips a beat. On a hard day I cry a little to myself and wonder 'what if'. On better days I look at the good things that have come around since I left.

 

Keep going Spark.

[seren]

Hey Spark!

 

I moved away after D Day, simply because had I stayed in the area, I truly think I would have rained a whole world of pain and destruction onto OW, not so much for the A, but for her actions afterwards and my job then required that I be squeaky clean in my personal life, and that from a peace loving person such as I. So, I do not have the reminders on a day to day basis that you do. I cannot imagine how that must be. That you have and have still managed to be in the place that you and your H are, is a testimony of how strong your relationship with each other is.

 

OW still, some 3 and a half years later managed to track us down and when H was away in Afghan recently took to phoning me at all hours, doing the freaky voices and saying all sorts of crap on the phone, wished H dead, my son dead etc etc. I just took it up with the phone company and instead of thinking will it never end, just thought what a mess the whole A caused. I am not saying this to T/J your thread, but to say that it is usual and normal (is there a normal in an A) to feel regret, angry, sad, pissed off because of a situation out of your control. To state the bloody obvious, you cannot change what was, but you can change what is and will be. You already have, guess what? You are human, you are allowed to feel .... and then you smash some china, kick some stones and let it go.

 

I had a car accident 2 years ago, I was medically retired, the marks are still on the road I travel occasionally, I don't go down that road often, but everytime I do I know when the marks are coming up, try not to look, but always do. When I do, I go quiet, remember the crash, remember my life before it, my job, my good health and feel so dammed sad, so angry at the driver who didn't secure his trailer that broke loose and hit me .... and then we drive past and the mark is behind us, it is still there, but then so am I. Changed, affected by the injures still, but and this is a huge but, it made me make life changes that have enriched my life, have created opportunities for my and H's future that I might not otherwise have taken. Bit like H's A I suppose.

 

I know, crap analogy, but it was what it was, it hurt, it was unfair, infact it was pretty ****, but it happened, it passed and you both came out the other side, stronger, changed, different, but still together. It doesn't mean you haven't reconciled, it means that you are human and you feel pain and hurt. I hope the trigger doesn't remain and that you can move along, at least until the next one. Take very good care Spark, you will get through this. Seren xx

[Snowflower]

Spark, you've been such an inspiration to so many BS's here. I know you'll get through this. I don't quite understand your situation that you described but I have a guess. Anyway, just let yourself feel what you feel. It will pass and you will be just that much stronger for it. Does your H know about the trigger and how you are feeling?

[ComputerJock]

Spark, I have read your posts and followed your advice. This looks like a job for IC. After my attempted suicide I started seeing a therapist and she has done a good job of helping me get my head on straight and realize no one is more important in you life then you. My Dad use to say, son your number two, I'm number one. It took years for me to realize what he ment. You are number one in your life, the triggers will go away as you have said in previous posts. Concentrate on something else, and have revenge daydreams. I would tell you mine, but the guys with the white coats would put me away. Get a joke book and everytime a trigger hits, read a joke.

 

Stay strong, your needed on this site for advice and a kick in the butt when we need it.

[jthorne]

I'm sorry to read this, Spark. I hope some time and love gets you past this soon.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry Spark. I still get them occassionally. I think it is normal. Remember the up to 5 year time line. Go slow, ride the rollercoaster and come out with ballz of steel.

[Spark1111]

I'm so sorry, Spark, that you're hurting right now. I hope, and am sure, that it's just a moment and shall pass. I don't mean to trivialise it at all, but I do believe in your status as the 'bigger person'. You have that status for a reason. Talk to him, as you always, do, don't hide it away for fear that you should be over it by now.

 

Urgh. Hugs,

Hazy

 

Thanks hazy! I have talked to him and he feels terrible! That is not my intent. H is also a fixer. This cannot be fixed. It just is and will continue to be unfixable in that 3 to 5 times a year, it will happen.

[Spark1111]

I wish I could put together such a long peace as you had. Count that period of serenity as a blessing you sparkling sparkler you. Sorry to read that your hurt still hurts. Me too Sparks.... me too. Would it help to take it out on your husband in bed?

 

Ya, those old words make no sense. I get the added burden of remembering a thoughtful and kind apology that I could not hear when it mattered. You did listen and kept your heart open. So count that as another blessing.

 

-Jonah.

 

Thanks Jonah! I have forgiven the affair. I have forgiven the lying to have the affair as I have read and learned about affairs.

 

I said my last frontier would be regaining respect for him and I have in all but one area: his ability to talk of it.

 

He does not. Appears fearful and ashamed if it is ever brought up, and he too really spirals down with me.

 

It is not a good place for us to be, but still sometimes I have a question three years out that still needs some clarification from him.

 

I cannot and will not stifle my pain to ease his shame. But the result is we both ride the rollercoaster for a few days. Ugh!

[Spark1111]

Hang tough girl. You've made it this far and you'll make it the rest of the way as well.

 

You had the courage to do what I couldn't and you've made it.

 

Can I tell you a secret? I get triggers too. I ended my M immediately when xH confessed. To this day a song will hit the radio or my child will move in a certain way and my heart skips a beat. On a hard day I cry a little to myself and wonder 'what if'. On better days I look at the good things that have come around since I left.

 

Keep going Spark.

 

Then I guess it is true that whether you divorce or reconcile, the "what if" demons stil emerge, the biggest being what if this had never happened to me, to us?

 

But I do look around and there is so much good going on and I know I am blessed. Thank you.

[Spark1111]

Hey Spark!

 

I moved away after D Day, simply because had I stayed in the area, I truly think I would have rained a whole world of pain and destruction onto OW, not so much for the A, but for her actions afterwards and my job then required that I be squeaky clean in my personal life, and that from a peace loving person such as I. So, I do not have the reminders on a day to day basis that you do. I cannot imagine how that must be. That you have and have still managed to be in the place that you and your H are, is a testimony of how strong your relationship with each other is.

 

OW still, some 3 and a half years later managed to track us down and when H was away in Afghan recently took to phoning me at all hours, doing the freaky voices and saying all sorts of crap on the phone, wished H dead, my son dead etc etc. I just took it up with the phone company and instead of thinking will it never end, just thought what a mess the whole A caused. I am not saying this to T/J your thread, but to say that it is usual and normal (is there a normal in an A) to feel regret, angry, sad, pissed off because of a situation out of your control. To state the bloody obvious, you cannot change what was, but you can change what is and will be. You already have, guess what? You are human, you are allowed to feel .... and then you smash some china, kick some stones and let it go.

 

I had a car accident 2 years ago, I was medically retired, the marks are still on the road I travel occasionally, I don't go down that road often, but everytime I do I know when the marks are coming up, try not to look, but always do. When I do, I go quiet, remember the crash, remember my life before it, my job, my good health and feel so dammed sad, so angry at the driver who didn't secure his trailer that broke loose and hit me .... and then we drive past and the mark is behind us, it is still there, but then so am I. Changed, affected by the injures still, but and this is a huge but, it made me make life changes that have enriched my life, have created opportunities for my and H's future that I might not otherwise have taken. Bit like H's A I suppose.

 

I know, crap analogy, but it was what it was, it hurt, it was unfair, infact it was pretty ****, but it happened, it passed and you both came out the other side, stronger, changed, different, but still together. It doesn't mean you haven't reconciled, it means that you are human and you feel pain and hurt. I hope the trigger doesn't remain and that you can move along, at least until the next one. Take very good care Spark, you will get through this. Seren xx

 

Thank you Seren! I cannot list all the different ways that this affair has inserted itself into my everyday life, and I too often wonder if my life would have been easier moving away!

 

I know that was his knee-jerk reaction after reconciling, but I refused. My home, my job, my friends are all here and I felt strongly, why should I have to move? I hadn't done anything wrong.

 

Maybe that was a mistake.

 

Because I am frequently blind-sided by it. Think six degrees of separation, like a backyard party and out of the blue, her name is mentioned. Ugh!

 

I do want to smash something.....mostly him!

 

And like you, I do not go around or under or over the carnage of the crash. My method is to go right through it, and the more I do, the more desensitized I become to it. It is painful, but it is the only thing that works for me.

 

I can now drive to the local airport to pick up a relative without having to pull over and vomit as I pass all those cheap airport hotels they use to frequent.

 

Ugh! Shower anyone????

 

And today I think what does love have to do with sordid cheaps hotels?

 

Jeez....at least he always brought me to a 4-star.;)

[Spark1111]

Spark, you've been such an inspiration to so many BS's here. I know you'll get through this. I don't quite understand your situation that you described but I have a guess. Anyway, just let yourself feel what you feel. It will pass and you will be just that much stronger for it. Does your H know about the trigger and how you are feeling?

 

Oh yes we talked!

 

And again, his first reaction is to hide and avoid this pain. He goes very, very quiet. At that makes me crazy. Hold me, reassure me, tell me I/we will be okay. But he is so ashamed of his actions that it actually gets in the way of his ability to do that for me.

 

He ALWAYS apologizes. And then crumples. We get stuck in this cycle; me, looking for conversation from him; he, looking to fix it and move forward.

 

It is sad and frustrating for us both.

 

Somethings, like my workplace, are not fixable.

[Spark1111]

Spark, I have read your posts and followed your advice. This looks like a job for IC. After my attempted suicide I started seeing a therapist and she has done a good job of helping me get my head on straight and realize no one is more important in you life then you. My Dad use to say, son your number two, I'm number one. It took years for me to realize what he ment. You are number one in your life, the triggers will go away as you have said in previous posts. Concentrate on something else, and have revenge daydreams. I would tell you mine, but the guys with the white coats would put me away. Get a joke book and everytime a trigger hits, read a joke.

 

Stay strong, your needed on this site for advice and a kick in the butt when we need it.

 

Thanks CJ! I know this! I am basically a happy and optimistic person.

 

My biggest revenge fantasy now? I'd love to bump into her and see her reaction to me!

 

Why? Who knows...it IS just a fantasy.

[Spark1111]

I'm sorry to read this, Spark. I hope some time and love gets you past this soon.

 

Thanks so much, jthorne!

 

Had a great weekend. Feeling better already!

[Spark1111]

Sorry Spark. I still get them occassionally. I think it is normal. Remember the up to 5 year time line. Go slow, ride the rollercoaster and come out with ballz of steel.

 

I think it time to take a kickazz kick-boxing class....What do you think?

 

Better than smashing more plates! Had my brother and his fam for dinner yesterday, and I noticed nothing matched on the table I set!

[ComputerJock]

I take a kick boxing class twice a week and get to kick the shXt out of the bag, the instructor asked me how, at 64 years old, I could tear up the bag, I told him its not a bag, but my x.

[seren]

I can now drive to the local airport to pick up a relative without having to pull over and vomit as I pass all those cheap airport hotels they use to frequent.

 

Ugh! Shower anyone????

 

And today I think what does love have to do with sordid cheaps hotels?

 

Jeez....at least he always brought me to a 4-sta

 

Oh yes I so remember having to drive past the cheap, nasty hotel where they had 2 hour meets. I used to pull over and throw up too. I did it once with a very important client in my car, on getting back in he asked if I was ill, so I said no it's just that, that hotel really makes me sick. Poor man thought I had lost the plot. In the end I booked myself in had a look around and left, pretty dammed sharpish. It meant I at least knew the layout, the sort of rooms they had etc, no more mind games from that one.

 

If I were seeing someone and they took me to a cheap hotel for 2 hours in the afternoon as a love tryst, I think I would seriously be looking at my expectations and standards for myself. Hell, 2 hours is just foreplay, and that's just the schmoozing.

 

Next time you have a trigger, pull it and shoot the dammed memory out of the water. xx