ppend Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Hello all......hope you can help. I am a 48 y/o w/m married for 18 years. I am always working and haven't kept up with all the social networking things that are now available. I don't believe i am a dud, i am just a working guy trying to make ends meet and we have a good lifestyle because of it. Recently, i got some e-mails from old fraternity brothers through a directory that the national office put together and a few of the guys and sisters from our sisterhood have been trying to organize a reunion. One of my brothers had psoted alot of pics from the old days onto a group facebook account for all to see. So obviously I asked my wife and kids about it, both knowing that they had facebook accounts. My wife said no problem i'll make a facebook account for you..cool. So i spent the next week catching up with fraternity brothers etc, until i wanted to start expanding myfriend list (hope this is not getting longwinded). Well my girls did not want friend me , ok , a teenage thing i thought. But then my wife did not want to friend me either. When i asked her why, She said you are jealous and i am going to make alot out of nothing from the guys she used to hang with. Just a side note, when i was in high school i was a geek. My fraternity helped me immensely with that. My wife was popular, had a long time boyfriend as well as other guys she was with before she met me at the age of 25.. Anyway, i said ok, maybe she is right. The past was the past. It should be stated i have nothing hide. my cell is open to anyone in the family, as well as my computer, my wife regularly goes thru my wallet lookingfor business receipts for the business etc, which i forget about and so on, my wife does the books. Then i realized you need different e-mail accounts for facebook. My wife and i had always shared the same e-mail, i thought. When i asked my girls, innocently on the side, about their e-mails, they gladly told me. Hence, i was upset that my wife had a email i did not know about. But i said to myself leave it alone. I did. A few days ago an ex of mine sent me a message on facebook. She was my first real girl friend, from college. I felt strange about it and told my wife. She said really, well answer her back, it's ok. I thought at least there would be some jealous curiosity. Well, the message did not stir any old emotions in me quite frankly. But i asked my wife then, really, why have you spoken to your ex on facebook and she hesitated for a few seconds and responded YES. Well i blew it off. When i got home, i worked out, my wife said its just old friends saying hello and that was it. My wife left to go run a few errands and i came back in the house. While i was getting a drink i went to check e-mails on the computer on kitchen counter which was my wife's. She inadvertently left her facebook page signed on. I could not help it. She friended her ex and he invited her on the group from their high school days, which tells me they have had least several episodes of corresponding with one another. Obviously if she has her own e-mail account, i wonder if she has other correspondence with him..................any thoughts.
DaisyLeigh Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I don't know what to tell you. I have an ex boyfriend AND his wife as friends on my FB. My husband is fine with it. In fact, they met once and all four of us went to lunch together. Me and the ex don't correspond much, but his wife and I do. In fact, we would probably be good friends if we lived closer. Strange, huh? However, if my husband had any qualms about it, I would have nixed it then. I guess it all depends upon your situation. However, I agree with the notion that you have to be careful with FB and other social sites. Very careful.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 It depends on how they ended it. I mean, something that happened 20 years ago...I doubt it would turn into anything. And ex's CAN become friends, it IS possible. I think this is you being jealous here, not her.
MarriedGuyNTennessee Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 Facebook it and of itself is not a problem. How people use it can be. I did note however in your case how your life is an open book and seems to be expected to be but the people your job supports and feeds in your house can keep secrets from you. Talk the issues out now and ask about the secret e-mail accounts now before these issues become too big to manage.
Lipsy10 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I think its shady that your own wife wont friend you on facebook. Is there something your not telling us.... are you paranoid, violent?? Is there something in your history that makes your wife think that an innocent conversation on facebook is gonna lead to all out war? If yes then she has a valid reason to keep you off her page. If no, then she's acting real shady.
Baroness67 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 My experience has been that you can't control your spouse's online activities. You are either going to find out that something bad is going on, or find out that nothing is going on. Do you want to find out that she is doing something behind your back? Either way it's not going to end well, because even if she's not doing anything, you are just going to push her away with your controlling behavior. If you would like to find out she's cheating, and have a game plan for that (such as, you are sure you would immediately get a divorce, etc.) then press forward. You've got nothing to lose because you are already ready to sever the relationship if you find what you suspect. Just remember that you could damage your marriage even if you find nothing. I have friends who are married and FB friends with each other. I have other married friends who are not FB friends with each other. The ones where people aren't FB friends are usually marriages that have some issues. I'm on FB and my husband is not. He never will be. I have however, gone through a time where I was checking his computers and cell phone. I was not happy with what I found, yes, he was not being a great guy and was doing things outside the marriage - but my finding out about them didn't change what had happened or what was going to happen. It just made me miserable and angry and it made him see me in a far worse light. I had literally become the crazy wife that he claimed to the other woman he was running away from. You can create your own reality that way. Basically we eventually decided the marriage was going to work out no matter what, we committed to it over the children, but in making this decision I had to let go of any other expectations, one of which was that I could control anything he did. But likewise, I stopped being a victim by letting him go. And I think once I gave him permission to live his own life - it gave him room to stand back and decide where he wanted to go, rather than go where he felt I was pushing him (and maybe I was). We spent a year where he probably didn't come home half the nights. Now he comes home probably 95% of the nights and tells me he's working the other nights, and I choose to believe him. He might be working and he might not - but it's his life. I have stopped trying to believe I can control what he does. I can only control my own decisions. I haven't checked his email or cell phone or even thought about it for over a year now. And for what it's worth, it didn't work for me when I did try to access it or worry about it. You can't change it and it just makes everyone unhappy. If your wife is going to develop an affair and leave you over FB, you can't stop her. You can only accelerate the process.
Banker Chick Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 My bf and I have said when we get married we are going to combine ours into one joint FB account. I have several married friends that do this and it works out fine. I am 42 and am also friends with a couple exes on FB. My bf would prefer that not happen but I'm 100% honest here that there is NOTHING I feel for them although we do talk about high school, past events, family stuff (my parents are their friends too ... it was a SMALL town), etc. There is no chance in Hell that I'd get with them, for any reason. But like someone mentioned, it might also make a difference how they broke up.
C.J. Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Facebook can be a wonderful thing... catching up with old friends, meeting new friends, and even opening new doors with networking. Personally I don't see the problem with being friends with ex's on Facebook as long as it's a platonic relationship...HOWEVER it sounds like your wife is abusing your trust with facebook. If I were in this situation with my husband I would need to at least have access to her account (only because it seems like such a secret). Good luck on whatever path this takes you. <3
PinkInTheLimo Posted April 10, 2011 Posted April 10, 2011 I understand you feel hurt by the fact that your wife does not want to add you on Facebook. Together with your other post about your sexlife, I think your wife does not have a lot of "in love" feelings for you anymore. But I don't know what you can do about that. You can try to talk about it with her but if she is always evasive, then you won't come for in a conversation. I would check if your wife is not having an affair. Because I feel that that kind of wife, who is around because of the comfort of the married family life, could take off some day when the kids are gone. You better find out now what her plans are for the rest of your marriage.
seibert253 Posted April 11, 2011 Posted April 11, 2011 Ok, lets sit back and take inventory here: -W has facebook account -W doesn't want to add you as a friend because you'll get jealous, (of what?) -W has an email account you did not know and are not privy to. -W reluctantly admits she corrisponds with an ex through facebook and email I hope you see what I'm getting at here. She doesn't want you as a facebook friend because there are things on her page she doesn't want you to see. I'm sorry, but she's your wife and you are her husband. Your lives should be like an open book to each other. Sooooooo many A's have started on FB. Just do some research. Listen, maybe I'm just a bit paranoid because I'm a BS, but IIWU, I'd be doing a bit of digging and investigating to see what my W is truely doing that she doesn't want me to know about. Good Luck
zakfar Posted April 14, 2011 Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) Sorry dude! I don't want to spin your mind. But few things that you mentioned, that are indeed noteworthy. Something seems to be terribly wrong here, if not in physical sense, then at least in the mind of your wife. . Why should she try to hide her acquantaince with her ex, if that was mere for 'Friendship'? Something is bothering her, and she's afraid. She knows it, and admits it, and wants to avoid it, but can't. . Why is she secretly using an email to talk to him? This is not just your 'Jealousy'. You have every right to feel bad in the situation. If this is just a normal 'Friendship', then that makes no sense for her to try to avoid/hide it from you. This is the first time I've ever heard a wife not adding her husband in her facebook account. I normally see woman do that proudly, adding the name of their husbands in the tag and link their accounts under... 'I'm married to'. Sorry again, but you should indeed take the situation seriously. Many people get afraid, and feel bad when talking about 'Break up' and 'Divorce'. If things are not working positively, it's a lot better to end the 'Pain', rather than bearing the negative aspects. For me, 'Trust' is the most important thing in a relationship, which is the outcome of 'Mutual Understanding'. Some decided/untold rules are made, and both the partners has to follow the system. Getting away from it is the thing that brings 'Abuse' in a relationship - either physical or psychological. I hope you can decide for yourself what you want to do, and whether want to find out the 'Truth' behind the mystery. Zakfar. Edited April 14, 2011 by zakfar
Entropy3000 Posted May 10, 2011 Posted May 10, 2011 You have every right to expect transparency in this area. It sounds like you have reason to insist on this. Frankly I would find out covertly before I pressed the issue. There may not be any issues .... yet. Also I looked at some of your other posts to get a feel for the playing field. IMO you do need to look further here.
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