Jennet Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (edited) Hello, I haven't posted here before, but I was browsing the forum yesterday, and posters seemed to know what they were talking about and were giving out good advice. I'm apologising in advance if I speak in a lofty, detatched tone. I don't mean to sound this way, but I'm not used to speaking about personal issues, and staying detatched is the only way to get through it without my emotions taking over - thanks. Me (23 years old now) and my boyfriend had been going out for just over five years, and living together for the last four. As well as being my SO, he was - is - my best friend. The break-up was semi-neutral, by which I mean we were both finding it hard to deal with the relationship and after discussing it decided that maybe it was better. He had just started uni, and wanted the freedom that comes with it. I had just finished uni, and wanted to try and find a job and not be tied to one place for four more years. The relationship also suffered because of the amount I worked. He wanted to spend more time with me, playing games and hanging out. I wanted to pursue my passion and improve my skills. I thought that working at home would help, but he still felt disconnected. I truly love him, and I never intended to make him feel I chose work over him. For me, my dreams and my love-life have always been two halfs of myself. Obviously, he does feel that way, though, and I can see why. I say the break up was semi-neutral because I was willing to try and work through the problem by limiting my work hours each day in order to make time to spend with him. Unfortunately, that didn't change the main problem which is that I love working, and will always want to be improving on my skills - ie, this issue wouldn't go away. Besides which, he said that it might be too late even if I did change - his feelings for me were dulling. I had to ask my parents for help so that I could afford to move into my own apartment as soon as possible. I'm here now, and it's a really nice flat, but it doesn't change the fact that my heart is broken. Although I sometimes wondered if the relationship should end back when I was in it, I never made that call because he meant too much to me, and was worth fighting for. Now I feel stranded. I am still deeply in love with him. I thought being in my own place, I would be able to distract myself by throwing myself into my work, but I can't concentrate. I spend the days browsing the internet in my pyjamas, and waiting for that text. He was the best thing to happen to me, and I feel the loss like a constant ache. I am jealous of him, for being free and at the start of university, and I am extremely jealous of a girl he has been hanging out with since just before the break-up. Now, most days she goes to his and watches movies with him all night. She is shy and insecure, slightly alternative, and reminds me of me. I know that she is his type, and he has told me when I asked him to give me an honest answer, that he finds her attractive. It's so painful thinking of her in what used to be our house, with all our memories, spending more time with our kitten than I now get to. It hurts that he seems to be moving on so much faster than I am. I still can't believe it's over, and have to keep telling myself that I will never be able to be with him like that again - that we aren't miraculously going to get back together. By contrast, I feel completely alone. When we were going out, we were very private, wrapped in our own bubble. He was uncomforatble with me being close with members of the opposite sex, and he had a personal dislike for many of my female friends. Five years on, and I've distanced myself from friends so much that I no longer have any. I haven't spoken to anyone about the way I feel since it happened, and have been putting a brave face on to people I work with. It's hard when he has a potential love interest, and men never seem to be interested in me romantically. I'm not asking to be made to feel better about this, as after staring in the mirror each morning, I know what I look like, but I am not conventionally good looking. I am insecure and get paranoid that people are staring at me because they think I'm ugly. True to form, no-one has expressed any interest througout university and beyond. I feel empty, and as though my chances of finding someone who will love me and treat me as well as he did are slim. I hope to stay friends with him, as I don't know how to live without him in my life. He knows me to my core, and I don't know how to let go. He says he needs space without seeing or hearing from me to get over it. I say he's my only friend, and I really need one right now. I say hello, he says goodbye. I'm giving him the space, because I know clinging on will only push him away, but I can't seem to move on, and I can't seem to forget him. Please please give me some sage advice - about any of the above. I really need a hand, as I'm finding it really difficult to cope alone. Thank you so much for reading, Jennet Edited March 12, 2011 by Jennet
Tarn Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (edited) Iam in the same boat : my approach to attracting the opp. sex is to have a girls day Im talking hair make up outfit shoes. Change your appearance u look great on the outside then feel it on the inside...! work on both but I found this info for me to read and now I think Im meant to give it to you too now.... First, put yourself in the opposite position: If YOU didn't want to be with someone, and let him or her know it, what would you expect the other person to do? Hopefully let go, and move on with dignity. The biggest "cure all" every time you miss them, or are thinking about them with sadness, is to VIVIDLY remember the times they treated you like DIRT, and ask yourself: "Is THAT what I REALLY WANT?" When the answer is NO - then keep that in your mind. It will replace the old pattern of putting them on a pedestal when they treated you far less than the way you deserved. It will also help you to replace the pain with the truth of the situation Every time thoughts about them suddenly come into your mind, do the above, AND re-direct your focus on to something that is positive and life enhancing for YOU, or others that you love. You have the power to consciously re-direct your thoughts and FOCUS. Do that every time the blues start to creep in to your consciousness.Really TRUST that everything DOES work out for the best in the long run, and if you can remember a time when you were sad about something, only to be grateful for the growth you've made, and how the situation worked out for your highest and best after all, this will help you realize that this situation is no different. View the other person with compassion, rather than with bitterness. Realize that they did the best they were capable of, and if their best was not in your best interest, then it is a gift that they are out of your life! Get deeply and passionately absorbed in your life purpose! THIS is the most powerful thing you can do! Why waste your energy, focus, and attention on a PAST situation, when you can really be making significant and positive difference in your life, as well as in the lives of others! Every time you start to think about them, and begin to play your drama of the past in your mind, consciously CHOOSE to focus on the NOW, and all of the great things you can be doing. Focus on being and expressing your highest and best self. Remember that you don't NEED them at all. YOU are the gift. They may be a gift as well, however, if they are out of your life, your life MUST carry on in the most vibrant, positive and life-renewing manner possible. This is ALL within your conscious choice and control. Really thank them (in your mind) for every lesson you have learned, every new discovery you have made, and the difference they DID make in your life. Realize that THAT was their purpose for entering your life. So now you can release them with a lot of gratitude, loving compassion, dignity, and grace. Someone that I personally know that is going through the throws of emotional agony in trying to let go of a relationship that just ended said: "We need to know WHY We SHOULD Let THEM GO TO BEGIN WITH!" The Answer is so that YOU can be FREE FROM PAIN, and misery! So that you can attract someone into your life that will treat you incredibly well, and because you DESERVE to be happy in a real relationship! Why should you hold out for crumbs from someone similar to a dog waiting on the doormat for a couple of crumbs of attention? Don't you really deserve to have a fantastic relationship? YES! You do! Everyone does. If you are in pain the majority of the time, then you deserve to free yourself, so that you can live with inner peace, and grow with enough self-love to attract your true counterpart. You can only attract according to what you believe you deserve, and I swear to you that you WILL attract someone that is far healthier for you once you really learn how to love and appreciate yourself. Don't you want to be treated in the best manner possible? So if you are in pain most of the time, that pain is saying: "Hey, get me out of this, because IT HURTS!" And the only way to remove yourself from the source of emotional agony in your life is to make a COMPLETE break. It's like keeping your hand halfway in boiling water! If you take your hand out completely, and heal it, then you will be free from pain! If you choose to keep dipping your fingers into boiling water, this is the same as continuing to return to a painful relationship. One is physical pain, and the other is emotional. There is no judgment at all. So please do NOT judge yourself for allowing yourself to be treated far less than you deserve. The only thing that matters is what you do from THIS moment forward. Love yourself - a LOT! The only one you will EVER need is YOU. The only one that will NEVER leave you is YOU. So place ALL of your energy on being and expressing all you came into this life for. It is NOT about them - it is all about you and your growth. That is the most important thing. Now you have learned more, and realized more. You have evolved more as a result of all you have been through. As you come to fully awaken to all of your grand possibilities, you really won't have the time, or the care to focus your attention on a past situation. It is like focusing on anything else that is in the past. NOW is your time to re-claim yourself, and shine as the beacon that you are. You will feel so much better once you take all of the above steps - as long as you really apply them. Move forward with your life. You may not feel like it, but do it! Put out positive vibes and smile even when you don't want to smile. This helps you to become more approachable by others. When you meet others, you may find that they have interests the same as you, or that you have always wanted to try. When your ex-fiance hears that you are doing fine (and he will), he may call you. If so, be happy, don't ask a lot of deep questions, and be the first one to get off of the phone (because you've got to go horseback riding with friends, or you're getting ready to meet someone for dinner, or you've got to get your beauty rest, etc.). This may pique his interest, because he will be expecting you to be load him down with a lot of questions, or lay a guilt-trip on him. Instead, you've become fun, and mysterious again. Good luck. And remember...this may be one of the best things that could have happened to you! Read the forums Iam feeling loooooaaaAAds better after reading these I almost went into self destruct mode this morning until reading these and also I find my strength in religion ! Go to church any church you will feel the lords love and he will help you if u ask ! on another note there are ALWAYS activities and single brothers looking for prospective Partners/wives ! And they really educate men on being fathers and partners ! CHIN UP LUV as they say here in Australia "you'll be right" Edited March 12, 2011 by Tarn
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