Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Here is the situation. 1.5 weeks ago I met a guy at the house party. I didn't really notice him or talk to him much until the very end of the party. We started chatting and found that we have heaps in common. He is an engineer and is smart and funny. He is not super-hot but is cute enough. We have been on a couple of dates since then. He took me to dinner and payed for everything. He contacts me every day. I would say that it's going well. We are supposed to go out tonight. He told me that he didn't have a girlfriend in a year and is looking for a relationship. He is also very outgoing and chatty and doesn't seem to have a problem approaching girls. He has large circle of friends and goes to bars often. Few hours ago a good friend of mine rang me to tell me that he actually chatted her up the night we met and asked for her number. She has a bf so declined. This bothers me on so many levels. 1) Was she his preferred choice? 2) Is he a player? How come he has been single for a year but approaches many girls? He is a good catch. Something doesn't add up there. He seems to be respectful with me, doesn't invite me to his place and didn't try any overtly sexual moves. We have only kissed. Please tell me your thoughts. I just do not want to get hurt again.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 BTW I trust this friend 100%. I have also verified this story with another person.
heartshaped Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Have you tried asking him about why he has been single? The man I'm currently dating, dated a girl a couple months before me, but before that had been single for several years when as he put it he just wasn't "interested in dating." I have gone periods of time too where I didn't date and other people I know as well. I don't find it so unusual that your guy hasn't had a girlfriend in a year. As for him approaching your friend, so what? When someone approaches someone, chats with them a bit, and then asks for their number it's mostly to do with attraction. Things didn't go any further obviously as she has a boyfriend and like most men, I'm sure he put the thought of her out of his mind once she declined to give him her number. He's dating you and things are going well; don't worry so much.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 I am going to proceed with caution here and keep my options open. I am meeting his friends tonight...we are going to a bday party. I am going to observe how he acts around women.
jane100 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I am going to proceed with caution here and keep my options open. Perfect view. Don't do too much running . In this case I would say be available but let him come to you. OR If you are really driven and attracted to him, and you feel empowered and comfortable with that, you can make it known, but honestly, chill out afterwards and give him a chance to show his interest in YOU.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 I got back and still not sure what to think. We are going out tomorrow night again. We talked for about 4 hours. I basically grilled him on why he is single and past relationships. He told me that I should ask him anything I want to. His reasons are that he has this wall that he puts up and he had trouble letting anybody in in the past. That he seems outgoing and chatty but he is really an introvert. He doesn't reveal anything that goes too deep. I am pretty much the same myself, so I understand. I asked him if he ever had ONS. He said he tried once but it felt so weird that he had ummm erection problems so he never did again. He just says that he finds trivial faults with people as a way to keep them at arms length. I apologized for the grilling but he said that he enjoyed it as I got him to open up. His female friend (the one that had the bday party) actually lives across the road from him. She is pretty, our age and single. They seem like they know each other really well. I kind of had a question mark on what's the deal there but didn't want to come across as jealous. So he said "you are wondering why we are not hooking up..." I was like "well, yeah". He said that he doesn't like her personality...and went into details why. He just seems terribly picky and judgmental. I got along really well with her and didn't sense any sort of attraction vibe between them so I am cool there. When I got home (3am) he texted me that his friends really liked me and told him to hold on to me. Then things got kind of weird. He texted "do you like me?". I responded with "it's early days, but so far yeah. do you like me?" he responded with "I don't know yet. We will see. Things like this take a while, we only met a week and a half ago". I was kind of taken aback by his answer, especially since he asked me first and I said yeah like a fool. But then he kept texting me good night and sweet dreams blah blah blah. Any thoughts?
Jynxx Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 You're overanalyzing. Things seem to be going great, just enjoy. Oh, and if he was a "player", he would've made a move way before 1.5 weeks. I'm not a player and most of my relationships only last about that long.
Lilmisus Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I got back and still not sure what to think. We are going out tomorrow night again. We talked for about 4 hours. I basically grilled him on why he is single and past relationships. He told me that I should ask him anything I want to. His reasons are that he has this wall that he puts up and he had trouble letting anybody in in the past. That he seems outgoing and chatty but he is really an introvert. He doesn't reveal anything that goes too deep. I am pretty much the same myself, so I understand. I asked him if he ever had ONS. He said he tried once but it felt so weird that he had ummm erection problems so he never did again. He just says that he finds trivial faults with people as a way to keep them at arms length. I apologized for the grilling but he said that he enjoyed it as I got him to open up. His female friend (the one that had the bday party) actually lives across the road from him. She is pretty, our age and single. They seem like they know each other really well. I kind of had a question mark on what's the deal there but didn't want to come across as jealous. So he said "you are wondering why we are not hooking up..." I was like "well, yeah". He said that he doesn't like her personality...and went into details why. He just seems terribly picky and judgmental. I got along really well with her and didn't sense any sort of attraction vibe between them so I am cool there. When I got home (3am) he texted me that his friends really liked me and told him to hold on to me. Then things got kind of weird. He texted "do you like me?". I responded with "it's early days, but so far yeah. do you like me?" he responded with "I don't know yet. We will see. Things like this take a while, we only met a week and a half ago". I was kind of taken aback by his answer, especially since he asked me first and I said yeah like a fool. But then he kept texting me good night and sweet dreams blah blah blah. Any thoughts? He's keeping up that wall he told you about, and don't be surprised if it never comes down and if this ends up being a dead end road soon. He seems to be the type of guy that doesn't settle for anything less than what he thinks he deserves, and I would say that that's why he seems to be so picky when it comes to girls and hasn't dated in a while, yet is constantly chatting girls up. Nothing wrong with that, after all, wouldn't you prefer dating someone who knew what he wanted rather than settled for less than? He wants to get to know you first, and then decide if you're the "one (for right now)" before taking the plunge and deciding if he likes you and is serious about you. If that's the case, I don't think you have anything to worry about with his infidelity. Like you said, proceed with caution, but that doesn't mean not to give him an honest chance and trust him. He seems to be a good enough guy, especially since he's taken you out so many times and has already introduced you to his friends. Just don't be surprised if things go slowly in this relationship and it takes a few more weeks or months for him to say "I like you..wanna be my girlfriend?"
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 I am supposed to meet his second group of friends tomorrow. He holds my hand in front of them and kissed me a few times so they know we are "together". I am kind of cool that he is not ready to say I like you before he means it. I like honesty. I did figure out his deal. He chats up a large number of girls that he finds attractive looks wise, then evaluates their personality if they are the gf material. 99.99% fail there and he discards them. I may very well end up discarded but that's the risk I have to take. I also like that he is not pushing sex. By 4th date, most guys invite me to their place. This guy seems content to just kiss with not groping even and hug and hold hands. He really has manners and has even offered to pay for my taxi home (he didn't take the taxi). He is definitely not a player.
GooseChaser Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (edited) There's such a thing as too smooth. I'm not saying that he is or is not a "player"-- I don't know. It does sound like he has a lot of experience. Still, my advice is to tread cautiously. He definitely knows what he's doing here. That's my opinion. Edit: Also, it depends on your ages. I'm in my early 20s, so I'm more wary of more experienced guys. Naturally, though, as people get older, they will have more experience on average, and I imagine that it would be less of a concern. It is still something to consider, though. Edited March 12, 2011 by GooseChaser
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 He is 30... I am aware what I am getting myself into so am prepared. The worst is when you think everything is peachy and then he drops you out of the blue. That's what happened in my last R when the guy pretended to adore me and basically told me he loves me on the second date. I don't feel like I am losing anything here except maybe time. This will be third night out of last 4 that I have spent with him. He is certainly not getting sex..he is spending money... I am also expanding my social circle..
fishtaco Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Sounds about right. I would have done the same. And in fact, I have. When you first meet someone, you're running on first impressions. That impression always change after you get to know someone better. So just because he chatted up your friend first could be: 1) That happened only because of chronological order. No other meaning. It just happened that way, 2) He felt a stronger first impression from her, but that doesn't mean anything, because now you have history with him. Positive history beats out first impression every time. I'm a multi dater. So after I asked for your number, I'd go get someone else's number. If you don't like multi dating, then ask him about it, and dump him if he's a multi dater. If you're okay with it, then this is just normal. Some people multi date, some don't. It doesn't say anything about if the person could be suitable for you or not. But the dating practice isn't compatible. So even though you could be missing out on a good guy, theoretically speaking, non compatible dating practice is, well, not compatible. And there are always more fishes in the sea. For me, I'd expect positive dating history to be the most important clue if a person is a good fit or not. But, people use all kinds of other metrics - how many previous sexual partners, why was he never married, why does he keep in touch with his ex, and all kinds of other things where they interpret as red flags. Maybe they are, maybe they're not. Everyone have their own thing.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Hmm he canceled tonight saying that he has sore throat. Seems a bit fishy. He said that we should catch a movie during the week but didn't name the day.. I am pretty skeptical but not too dissapointed because I am pretty cautious...
alexlakeman Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Now it's the end of the week.. so what happened?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 We went out last night, had a great time and he asked me to be his girlfriend. We are going out again tomorrow night P.S. this is not the NSA guy that rejected me
Imajerk17 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) ....... Then things got kind of weird. He texted "do you like me?". I responded with "it's early days, but so far yeah. do you like me?" he responded with "I don't know yet. We will see. Things like this take a while, we only met a week and a half ago". I was kind of taken aback by his answer, especially since he asked me first and I said yeah like a fool. But then he kept texting me good night and sweet dreams blah blah blah. Any thoughts? Here we go again. OG aka ES, you seem to have this thing for needy guys who wear their issues on their sleeves. It's as if you can't feel loved unless they bare their insecurities like this and ask you to be their girlfriend within 2 weeks. My over-under on how long this will last is a month. Edited March 18, 2011 by Imajerk17
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