Butterflying Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I have a female friend whom I recently met. We work for the same company, but not together. She's in the administrative department with access to confidential employee files, like social security numbers, ect. She's a little older than me (about 20 years), recently divorced. She likes to go out all the time. The only problem I have is that she never has money. I know she earns a lot less money than I do. But the places we've gone have not been expensive. For instance, I took her to my favorite French Bakery in town. You can get pastries and coffee for less than five dollars. Lunch is less than ten dollars. On the way there she was excited saying how hungry she was and thrilled to go there with me. I ordered an entire meal with a drink (a little over ten dollars) then paid for it. Tammy stands there looking surprised like she expected me to order and pay for hers too. Then she ordered one pastry and a coffee. The cost was around two dollars and change. When my food came out, she was like "can I try some of that?" So I wound up sharing my meal with her. Mind you, the portion was small to begin with. I shared; but was annoyed at why she didn't just order her own food. Another night Tammy wants to go bowling. After we get there, she tells me she accidentally left her bill fold at home with all her money and credit cards in it. So I wound up paying for everything. I know people have financial problems sometimes. With my career, I never expect anyone to match my security financially. But I adjust my spending according to my company. When I'm with wealthy friends, we shop at high end stores, dine in expensive places, go to country clubs, ect. But if I'm with someone like Tammy (average working class income) I enjoy average activities like bowling, shopping at Target, dinning at local inexpensive shops. On occasion, like a birthday, I don't mind treating my friends to something special that I can afford. In fact, Tammy just had a birthday and I gave her a very nice bracelet (I know she can't afford) but I wanted her to have it. However, when we spend time together, I don't want to pay her way. I want us to go dutch on everything because I think that's fair. Am I not being a good friend? How do I tell her this without possibly ending our friendship? Usually, I don't have a lot of female friends. I wonder if this is standard to pay your friends way all the time. Maybe the reason I don't have many friends is that I don't pay their way all the time.
Tayla Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 THe only way you are being less of a friend is not being upfront and forward about the matters. I think you are catching on that this friend is a moocher. The best way I have found to heal a moocher is to one day be the person who conveniently left your wallet behind and would she be able to front you the money til you could pay her back. Seems less then polite yet I assure you she will either A: step up to the plate and pay, or B: (if she is a genuine moocher) she will lie her way around that she only has enough for her own meal or event ticket. ANother thing to do is to let her sink eventually they see the light that you are not their bank. I live my life by your same philosphy, give when ya can yet always pay your own way thru life,this holds true for the social set of friends I hang with. There are times we get strapped but we know we will pay back if it really does over exceed our budget...Mostly though as adults we have that sixth sense when we are being used. This associate is definitely using your goodwill to her advantage. Level the field. 1
Baroness67 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 It's entirely possible that Tammy takes it for granted that it's obvious to you, of all people, that since you work for the same company, she knows how much money you make, and that you are aware that it's more than she makes. She might take it as an offense that you would want to split what she believes are bills that she believes should make no difference to you. This can be the way some people see things. Like you, I'm fairly financially secure at this time in my life and have seen how this has changed a lot of my friendships over the years. Some of my former friends have drifted to the wayside and some "new" friends pop up occasionally. It can be a very weird position to be in. As a result, I have actually also seen my social circles get closer. It is hard to have friendships, especially these days, where there are disparities in financial circumstances. I have had friendships that lasted for years, only to see them become a little strained when, for example, I've been asked for charitable donations. I have had situations where people think I've given too little. I've had other situations where I might give an acceptable amount at one time - but decline in the following year. (Surprise, I'm not looking to take on everyone else's charities of choice as a regular supporter - I do actually have my own charities that mean something to me.) Some people don't understand this and have drifted away. I have also had friends where I have helped them out in emergencies, wiring significant funds to get them out of trouble. Surprise again, what to do when they come back for more a few months later? My husband and I have had to make a policy - one time emergency help. It is getting scary how many times we have been asked by different neighbors, friends and relatives to help out. But what can you do? Help everyone keep their house? It's just not possible. I have another friend who is an artist. He quit his job last year and has gone into "business" full time commissioning works at significant prices. We purchased a piece from him last fall, which I love. But I know he hasn't been selling what he thought he would (his twitter is sad - offering to everyone to commission works and I don't see any replies) and now he's been on my case to have lunch with him. I am on my third round of declining as I know he's just going to try to get me to look at all his pieces, and while I will praise all of them, it's hard to praise someone's work and yet make it clear you don't want to buy it. I am not sure about the future of this friendship. There are then the "friends" who chair particular committees at the kids schools and around town ... sometimes I wonder why someone I don't know well is suddenly trying to strike up conversations with me and say "we should get together!" ... then I find out they are chairing this or that fundraiser and I know our name has been passed to them as a potential "heavy hitter" donor. Anyway, back to your question ... I think you're seeing that Tammy definitely does not view you as being on a par with her, she thinks money means less to you than it does to her, and why would paying for her bother you? She probably took your invitation to the French pastry place as a sign that you would pay for it. She might even see you as "cheap" because of it. Worst, I would be worried that she is talking about you in this way behind your back at work. You might not know her really well, and work friendships that go badly - can go really badly. And it sounds like you've got a position where you've got more to lose than she does. I've had this experience from both sides - at one time I had really wealthy friends when I was younger and remember that it could be difficult sometimes. Unfortunately, money really can make a difference.
yessy21 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 uhhh... thats not nice of her. i have two best friends and they both make more than i do. sometimes i treat them sometimes they treat me. they give me more expensive things but i get them as much as i can. im sorry but shes not a good friend.
hART Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I don't know how much she makes, but any meal over $5 is a big deal to me. Anyway, if she took the invite, she should pay her fair share.
BlindRage Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Hmm, I guess I'm a giver because if I invite someone out I pay for all expenses. I expect the same if they invite me out.
Author Butterflying Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Hmm, I guess I'm a giver because if I invite someone out I pay for all expenses. I expect the same if they invite me out. An invitation is nothing more than "come hang out with me, lets enjoy each other's company" it shouldn't matter who invited who. If we're friends, I'm always gonna invite my friends wherever I go. But gosh, if I have to pay for every invitation, then I don't want friends. That's like buying friendship. And what happens if my friends NEVER have anything going on? They never invite me places because their lives are not as social as mine. It's me with all the parties and cool ideas of fun things to do. But I shouldn't have to pay just to have someone accompany me.
Tayla Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Hmm, I guess I'm a giver because if I invite someone out I pay for all expenses. I expect the same if they invite me out. Cool, invite me out! WIth one restriction, I pay my own way...silly as it puts us on the same level of regard then. Which is how friendships need to blossom. ITs nice to be treated out from time to time and be gracious about it. This Friend though "expects" to be taken care of each time ...thats not how real friends operate, there is a level of regard that is being twisted. I dont judge my friends by there bank account or lack there of. They are friends beyond digits. And it goes both ways. Even my friends who have money know that they must stoop to my level of dining because I cannot afford a 100$ dinner bill...and beleive it or not we have gone to where some good eats are at an affordable price! Even if they offer to go to fine dining, I have not been impressed by the meals or the Status of the restaurant. Same goes with some of the designer shops....I cant fit into a size two with Wesson Oil dripped on me! IT just aint gonna happen I
Baroness67 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Occasionally when I plan to pay and want to make it less awkward, I will pick up a gift card or two at the supermarket and just say someone gave it to me as a thank-you or whatever, and I need to use it up - let's do lunch! I just think it's hard to make friends at work where the job titles are significantly different. The friendship already starts out with a certain pecking order in place, and even if the friendship grows in time ... there can still be a strain. Can you tell her about your great vacation without feeling weird about it? Could you listen to her complain about her bills without feeling weird about it? That kind of thing. My best friendships are ones that are old friendships where our daily lives aren't too closely intertwined. When I worked in a larger office I did have some good friendships, but I learned about those friendships when one of them would leave the job and we wouldn't really keep up ... likewise when I left I didn't really keep up with them. Interested to see how the Tammy situation turns out, actually. Let us know.
Bionic Me Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 If you feed her, she'll grow. Leech. You are not her b8tch to be paying for her way.
Emme Posted March 30, 2011 Posted March 30, 2011 I dropped friends like that in high school. That's all I'm going to say towards your post. You can hold on if you choose... but I would limit contact more and more...... AND MORE!
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