mizliz Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Hello everyone. I've been lurking for awhile, but haven't been compelled to post until now. My apologies for the title, but I am sick to my stomach over what has just happened and I desperately need some perspective. I won't get into the details of my A with MM, other than to say that it lasted almost 18 months (I now regret every minute). I just discovered that MM's wife gave birth to their first baby and I had no idea she was pregnant. Not only did he hide the pregnancy from me the entire time, he even texted me the day after baby was born asking: "Why haven't you contacted me all day? I'm going crazy missing you". It took me a couple of days to stop shaking long enough to reply. In those days he texted several times, wondering where I was and why I wasn't responding to him. What kind of man keeps his wife's pregnancy a secret, and attempts to continue an A days after his wife has given birth? His response? "I didn't want to lose you. If I had told you, I knew you'd be gone". Well. no. kidding. Selfish A** I'm so angry right now. I so badly want to forward all his emails to her, but I wouldn't given the circumstances. I'm all over the place with this. I guess I don't really have a question, but needed to get that out. Thank you for reading.
Minnie09 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Sorry that happened to you. I feel sorry for you and his W. You have always known he was M, though, right? Didn't that bother you enough to leave him alone? I don't understand why you didn't see the scumbag in him while you were oblivious to his (upcoming) fatherhood. He was a married, cheating man after all. How did you find out about his W's pregnancy, btw?
Author mizliz Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Thank you for your response. Yes, I did know he was married. I am in no way denying any wrong-doing in this mess. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish that I hadn't gotten involved, but I can't undo what I've done. As for seeing the scumbag in him - honestly...I really didn't. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I am ashamed of that. I'm an educated, professional woman, but I fell for all of it. He had been acting strangely (like an anxious father-to-be, in hindsight) for a week or so, and when I didn't hear from him during our "typical" communication period, I googled his facebook page...
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Thank you for your response. Yes, I did know he was married. I am in no way denying any wrong-doing in this mess. Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish that I hadn't gotten involved, but I can't undo what I've done. As for seeing the scumbag in him - honestly...I really didn't. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I am ashamed of that. I'm an educated, professional woman, but I fell for all of it. He had been acting strangely (like an anxious father-to-be, in hindsight) for a week or so, and when I didn't hear from him during our "typical" communication period, I googled his facebook page... No you can't. But, you CAN now! Grieve the affair, grieve the man you thought he was, call a trusted friend to come hang out with you, so you're not alone. There really isn't much he can say. He is a liar, a cheater and yes, a scumbag. He knows this too and he's manipulative and selfish. True cake eater at his best. Take care of you now.
Author mizliz Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Thank you, whichwayisup. The thing is, I am still in shock and not sure how to begin to grieve. I'm angry, but I'm not sure if I'm angry at him, or angry at myself - I tend to think the latter. When I first discovered this, I stood in the shower for probably 20 mins. I couldn't cry or scream - I was just... shocked. I know I shouldn't be, he is a cheating MM. In my head, I know this, unfortunately, my heart hasn't caught up yet. He has been emailing weak attempts at explanation, but nothing that answers my questions. I'm ashamed to have loved such a man and it frightens me to think of what that makes me.
justsam Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 He's married what the **** did you expect: A human being? Are you serious in asking this kind of question?
Author mizliz Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Yes, I know he is married. That's why I posted in this forum. I didn't really ask a question so much as vent my circumstance. Thanks for your response.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Thank you, whichwayisup. The thing is, I am still in shock and not sure how to begin to grieve. I'm angry, but I'm not sure if I'm angry at him, or angry at myself - I tend to think the latter. When I first discovered this, I stood in the shower for probably 20 mins. I couldn't cry or scream - I was just... shocked. I know I shouldn't be, he is a cheating MM. In my head, I know this, unfortunately, my heart hasn't caught up yet. He has been emailing weak attempts at explanation, but nothing that answers my questions. I'm ashamed to have loved such a man and it frightens me to think of what that makes me. Once your heart and mind catch up to one another, it'll make you see things alot differently even more. Deep down you know who he is and why, but right now your emotions and heart won't. That's normal.. Just let yourself feel whatever you need to feel, from anger, shock to crying and maybe even relief at some point. Just know that it's over and you won't be part of his betrayal anymore. And, that's a good thing. Over time, if this hadn't happened, you could have been sucked in the A for a long time.. Could you imagine 2 years from now with a MM?
Author mizliz Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Thank you whichwayisup. I worry about what will happen when heart meets mind. I am avoiding that by drinking wine. I know he's a lying cheating scumbag - but, I loved a lying cheating scumbag. I loved him and he used me. It's hard for the heart to admit.
fooled once Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Hello everyone. I've been lurking for awhile, but haven't been compelled to post until now. My apologies for the title, but I am sick to my stomach over what has just happened and I desperately need some perspective. I won't get into the details of my A with MM, other than to say that it lasted almost 18 months (I now regret every minute). I just discovered that MM's wife gave birth to their first baby and I had no idea she was pregnant. Not only did he hide the pregnancy from me the entire time, he even texted me the day after baby was born asking: "Why haven't you contacted me all day? I'm going crazy missing you". It took me a couple of days to stop shaking long enough to reply. In those days he texted several times, wondering where I was and why I wasn't responding to him. What kind of man keeps his wife's pregnancy a secret, and attempts to continue an A days after his wife has given birth? His response? "I didn't want to lose you. If I had told you, I knew you'd be gone". Well. no. kidding. Selfish A** I'm so angry right now. I so badly want to forward all his emails to her, but I wouldn't given the circumstances. I'm all over the place with this. I guess I don't really have a question, but needed to get that out. Thank you for reading. Hang onto the anger. He is SHOWING you the ass he is. She has just given birth...and as much as I normally advise to tell, please don't. Let her enjoy being a new mum right now. Kick him to the curb and tell him if he doesn't leave you alone, you WILL contact his wife. That should put the coward in his place.
Amour7 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Mizliz, I am sorry you are having to go through this. I, too, think it will be healthy to be with your anger. And work on forgiving yourself. I hear a lot of guilt in your postings, and I think guilt is only ok when it is calling you to do something different. It sounds like you are done with the scumbag for good, so guilt isn't needed here, despite what some people might post. Hugs to you.
summerdowling87 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 What kind of man keeps his wife's pregnancy a secret, and attempts to continue an A days after his wife has given birth? Um a d-bag But then again what do you expect he's a d-bag who cheats on his wife who carried his child and gave birth to his child. He doen't have respct for either of you
Emme Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Kids should be the final straw but some men can't let go. I see it as more of a risk to harm your child not just your spouse to fool around. Bringing back a STD during a pregnancy should scare the hell of some people, but it doesn't. He didn't want to loose to you makes sense, it's logical. What he could have done was at least have a cool down period with you, now you might have had some respect for him. I'm sorry you're angry, venting can be good. He's not going to stop until you give in. So just be ready for it.
TurboGirl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Thank you whichwayisup. I worry about what will happen when heart meets mind. I am avoiding that by drinking wine. I know he's a lying cheating scumbag - but, I loved a lying cheating scumbag. I loved him and he used me. It's hard for the heart to admit. (((HUGS))) to you, been there, I sympathize with you. Hold onto the anger... damn, your MM really is just thinking with his little head 24/7. I understand about being angry with yourself. This just teaches you even more about yourself, things that you didn't know before. Painful, yes. But hold onto the anger, and don't let that scumbag worm his way back in. Many will disagree with me, but I suggest not to tell the wife. Your affair was you and him, you don't know the woman, why cause her big pain? trust me, she will eventually find out with a piece of crap she is married to,it is just a matter of time. (unless she already knows but chooses to stay, who knows? She is not your biz....) Just focus on you and trying to feel better. Oh, and ignore the haters who will say nasty things about OW. There are enough of us who understand what you have been through. Matters of the heart are never black & white... however, at this point in your relationship, it looks pretty clear. Please stay strong & go NC with that SOB.
2sunny Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 well now that you know how low he will go - hopefully he doesn't seem so attractive to you. YOU have choices - you can choose NOT to communicate or see him any further. you see, no one will take care of your best interest except you - so start doing that part FIRST. be aware - now that his wife had a child - he most likely won't get sex from her for several weeks - then top that off with the W having to pay more attention to a baby than him = he WILL be looking to you for sex and attention... this just shows his selfishness... but you already knew that. reality is setting in... hopefully you will think of YOUR best interest before making him happy first. had you never checked his FB page before? stay busy and active- lay off the wine... it tends to cause more feelings of depression than you already may have.
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Hello everyone. I've been lurking for awhile, but haven't been compelled to post until now. My apologies for the title, but I am sick to my stomach over what has just happened and I desperately need some perspective. I won't get into the details of my A with MM, other than to say that it lasted almost 18 months (I now regret every minute). I just discovered that MM's wife gave birth to their first baby and I had no idea she was pregnant. Not only did he hide the pregnancy from me the entire time, he even texted me the day after baby was born asking: "Why haven't you contacted me all day? I'm going crazy missing you". It took me a couple of days to stop shaking long enough to reply. In those days he texted several times, wondering where I was and why I wasn't responding to him. What kind of man keeps his wife's pregnancy a secret, and attempts to continue an A days after his wife has given birth? His response? "I didn't want to lose you. If I had told you, I knew you'd be gone". Well. no. kidding. Selfish A** I'm so angry right now. I so badly want to forward all his emails to her, but I wouldn't given the circumstances. I'm all over the place with this. I guess I don't really have a question, but needed to get that out. Thank you for reading. Hello, I confess I don't quite see what you have to be so angry about. The situation is unpleasant, yes, but so is the entire premise of the principle of an affair. Was he leaving her to be with you? But now that won't happen? Is that the source of anger/grief? Hope you feel calmer soon.
Spark1111 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Hello, I confess I don't quite see what you have to be so angry about. The situation is unpleasant, yes, but so is the entire premise of the principle of an affair. Was he leaving her to be with you? But now that won't happen? Is that the source of anger/grief? Hope you feel calmer soon. No, it is because he kept his wife's pregnancy a secret from her during their affair and it has repulsed her to know he is such a liar and cake eater! I am sorry you are going through this! And I think you have realized the length and depth of his deception to you and to her. That is some life-altering fact to "forget" to disclose: I am to be a father. Do not beat yourself up. Obviously having this information would have changed your view of him and the realtionship, and he had very vested reasons for not telling you: his own personal, selfish ones. fBS here.....and I really, really know the pain of this. Please take care of yourself!
Woman In Blue Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Quite honestly, nothing these slime bags do surprises me anymore. They lie about their marital status to trick unsuspecting women into seeing them, or they lie about the status of their marriage claiming they're separated but still living under the same roof, or they lie about their marriage being for 'convenience' only when none of it is true. But the bottom-feeders that cheat on their pregnant wives are in a class all by themselves. Lower than pond scum. I really hope you don't let this scum bucket convince you to start up with him again. The only thing he deserves is to be shot at dawn.
Author mizliz Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Hang onto the anger. He is SHOWING you the ass he is. She has just given birth...and as much as I normally advise to tell, please don't. Let her enjoy being a new mum right now. Kick him to the curb and tell him if he doesn't leave you alone, you WILL contact his wife. That should put the coward in his place. Yes, I agree. I thought about it today, and I will not contact her. That would be crushing, I'm sure, and she deserves to enjoy her baby without being privy to this. Thank you. Armour - Yes, I am finished. I am disgusted and have lost any respect I once held for him. As for the guilt...yes I feel tremendous guilt. I keep telling myself that it isn't my fault as I didn't know (about the pregnancy), but the feelings are still there. Thank you for your encouragement. Emme - Not that this makes anything better, but part of the reason I allowed myself to get involved with him was because he didn't have any children. He knew how I felt about it, and although his reasons for hiding it may have been logical, he is a selfish coward for not coming clean on this. I realize that I shouldn't have ever trusted him, but I did.
Author mizliz Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 (((HUGS))) to you, been there, I sympathize with you. Hold onto the anger... damn, your MM really is just thinking with his little head 24/7. I understand about being angry with yourself. This just teaches you even more about yourself, things that you didn't know before. Painful, yes. But hold onto the anger, and don't let that scumbag worm his way back in. Many will disagree with me, but I suggest not to tell the wife. Your affair was you and him, you don't know the woman, why cause her big pain? trust me, she will eventually find out with a piece of crap she is married to,it is just a matter of time. (unless she already knows but chooses to stay, who knows? She is not your biz....) Just focus on you and trying to feel better. Oh, and ignore the haters who will say nasty things about OW. There are enough of us who understand what you have been through. Matters of the heart are never black & white... however, at this point in your relationship, it looks pretty clear. Please stay strong & go NC with that SOB. He has been emailing with his excuses. I considered blocking him, but reading his feeble attempts to justify his behaviour are actually keeping me angry. I will not be contacting his wife. Thank you for your encouragement.
myname Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 He has been emailing with his excuses. I considered blocking him, but reading his feeble attempts to justify his behaviour are actually keeping me angry. I will not be contacting his wife. Thank you for your encouragement. I feel for you, and totally understand how bad it's made you feel, it was always the one thing I was really scared of having to deal with. The MM I was involved with had no kids, but wanted them, he made out his wife didn't, who knows the truth of that. I would never have got involved if there'd been kids already. You sound like you're doing well considering, all the best.
Author mizliz Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 well now that you know how low he will go - hopefully he doesn't seem so attractive to you. YOU have choices - you can choose NOT to communicate or see him any further. you see, no one will take care of your best interest except you - so start doing that part FIRST. be aware - now that his wife had a child - he most likely won't get sex from her for several weeks - then top that off with the W having to pay more attention to a baby than him = he WILL be looking to you for sex and attention... this just shows his selfishness... but you already knew that. reality is setting in... hopefully you will think of YOUR best interest before making him happy first. had you never checked his FB page before? stay busy and active- lay off the wine... it tends to cause more feelings of depression than you already may have. I actually emailed him a rather harsh note to let him know exactly what I think of him. I doubt he will be looking to me for sex and attention now. I am a little nervous that once the inital shock and anger wears off that I am going to become depressed. He is not the man I "thought" he was, and I have wasted so much of my time loving him. I am going to lay off the wine- woke up with a terrible headache that ruined my Saturday. About the FB page - I might have checked it twice in 18 months. I just never felt the need to. I was that blindsided. Thank you.
Author mizliz Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 I want to reply to everyone so I will be back later. Thanks for your kind words.
myname Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I actually emailed him a rather harsh note to let him know exactly what I think of him. I doubt he will be looking to me for sex and attention now. I am a little nervous that once the inital shock and anger wears off that I am going to become depressed. He is not the man I "thought" he was, and I have wasted so much of my time loving him. I am going to lay off the wine- woke up with a terrible headache that ruined my Saturday. About the FB page - I might have checked it twice in 18 months. I just never felt the need to. I was that blindsided. Thank you. I hope you'll be ok, it is scary the feeling of how much time you wasted on him, cos that feeling can make you go back for more, feel the if only's, give it another chance... wishing you all the best and better to come with him out of your life.
spice4life Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I actually emailed him a rather harsh note to let him know exactly what I think of him. I doubt he will be looking to me for sex and attention now. I am a little nervous that once the inital shock and anger wears off that I am going to become depressed. He is not the man I "thought" he was, and I have wasted so much of my time loving him. I am going to lay off the wine- woke up with a terrible headache that ruined my Saturday. About the FB page - I might have checked it twice in 18 months. I just never felt the need to. I was that blindsided. Thank you. Good for you! If he tries to contact you again just ignore it or better yet, block and walk. You have nothing to lose right? You are in charge of your life and what he is thinking or trying to do should be of no consequence to you. BLOCK AND WALK and don't look back. Silence is the loudest message he can hear. Good luck and wish you the best.
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