ReturnToSender Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I know Im getting ahead of myself here because I just started no contact...again. Anyway, Im reading everything I can and have come across the guides in here... I do see the advise that after some time, the other may start trying to get in contact but not to accept what are just crumbs which they are probably just putting out there to see if they still have a hook in you. I see a lot about what not to accept as reconciliation on their part, but not much about when to give them a chance. I understand its important for us to take the time to reflect and focus on ourselves, and to be able to not be an emotional wreck over this person before even thinking of going there, but saying that has happened... I know relationships have come back from NC, and Im curious to know, what can they say or do to prove they deserve being given a chance?
Trovador Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (edited) I don't know, man... I wasn't saying or doing anything to get my ex back, I didn't expect anything from her nor was I trying to prove something, I didn't stop to think if I deserved or not another shot at the relationship, and above all, I didn't want anything from her... I wasn't happy or angry at her, it was the same to me if we kept talking or not (although if forced to make a choice I'd have preferred to go NC)... I wasn't interested in NC, LC, FWB and all the other acronyms you can find on the web... And then, she came back to me... with a vengeance... Get what I am trying to say in my obscure and pompous (if poor written) style? Edited March 12, 2011 by Trovador
betterdeal Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 When you're not thinking about getting back together with someone you gave the pleasure of exposing your soul to, that's when. It's almost the same as starting afresh, with a different person. And it is, in its own way, because you and they will have changed over time. If you haven't changed, you will break up again, for exactly the same reasons. Don't worry. The Earth is not about to explode so you can bet on having many more years on it. Take some of that gorgeous quantity of time and consider what you can improve about yourself, what you can learn from when things went wrong, what you can take from this relationship to the next relationship. It may be that the next serious relationship you have will be with this person, but if you want to give it a fighting chance of flourishing and growing beyond the point it did this time, you need to be ready, they need to be ready. Those things about them that annoyed you? Can you compromise on them? Are any showstoppers? You need to be aware of these things and decide how to deal with them. Do you know what it was about you that annoyed them? Likewise, can you see how they can annoy someone and can you realistically change your behaviour? It's a delicate balancing act between your self and him or her self, and the needs, desires, likes, dislikes of both. Some things, some boundaries, we can be flexible on, and some we can't. Once we know what those are it's time to start checking we can successfully manage those boundaries. And so we need to get to know each other slowly, carefully, honestly, and bear in mind how we feel all the time. This is mindfulness. Asking "how long" is always followed by the silent "do I have to twiddle my thumbs waiting for him or her to take me back". No sweat - we've all done it. But life's not like that. We have to become ourselves once again and see it as "will this person and I compliment one another? Do I like this person?" That's when.
AC06 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 When you're not thinking about getting back together with someone you gave the pleasure of exposing your soul to, that's when. I'd go with that. By the time you no longer desire to be with them, you probably won't have any reason to want to talk to them anyway.
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Thank you... Yes Ive seen it a lot that when they come around you want want to talk to them or be with them anyway...at that rate it means no one would have ever reconciled... Im just at a loss, because things really were great when we were together. Since our breakup over a year ago, we still kept contact every day and saw each other at least once a week, sometimes more, still affectionate...the only thing thats changed is the sex life and the title...nothing is official. He still wants to remain friends, which I cant do anymore cause its making me a wreck being with him but not *with him*..with no future or possibilities ahead of us. He said his feelings towards me evolved...that its nothing I did, nothing went wrong, he has no negative feelings about me or our relationship, still loves me and and wants to always be a part of my life but doesnt want to be in a serious relationship and just wants to date casually right now. Hes seeing others too. At that rate, I have no idea what I could change, or even what he could change... I loved, and still love him just the way he is. At first I went with the idea he was going through a midife crisis and seeing how serious things were getting between us got scared of the commitment coming up (we were talking marriage..hes the one who brought it up) But its been a year now. I guess in a way I figure going NC would force him to make up his mind...whether he means what he says and will be with me, or decide hed rather keep dating casually and be without me is life. Yes Id rather be with him, but after all this time, Im more prepared for the possibility that we'll have to part ways for good. Cause I cant do it like this anymore.
lawwal Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I'm in a similar spot ReturnToSender. We broke up, she moved out and after about a month (when I was in a bad place), we basically started being friend with benefits. She still loved me (but not in love), cared about me, wanted me in her life as a friend, etc. We started doing all the other things we used to do. We saw each other pretty much every day. For all I know, even though she didn't say it, maybe all she needed was some space and freedom. I never controlled her or anything, but moving in with each other after two months probably had something to do with it. For awhile, it was great...it was like a drug and I was getting plenty of it. She didn't want to date anybody right now or have any titles, but deep down I wasn't ok with it. So one night after drinking I went up to her place and basically acted all insecure. So we don't txt/see each other for 5 days and she tells me she misses me, but thinks we should not see each other for awhile. So I sent what I thought was a polite NC message (in hindsight probably a bad idea) and she unfriends me on FB. So now I'm just left beating myself up. If I kept going with the flow, maybe everything would be fine. But yea deep down I had to know whether or not she was just using me, so it went from "being together" to temporary break to not even friends on fb anymore. Anyway, now I just have to rely on NC to get better myself and if it was meant to be, she'll come back. =/
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Yeah...thing is this guy doesnt at all want to not see me. I didnt respond to him at all yesterday, and today he showed up at my job to have lunch...shocked the heck out of me to see him sitting there, and he was all happy to see me. Even came to find me when he was done to give me a hug goodbye. I just dont get it...hes so confusing. I just wish he would choose....leave me alone and have his fun with casual relationships, or be with me in a serious relationship... But I know that if and whenever possible, hed try to keep me around while doing everything else and Im pretty sure of it with NC, he will go into panic mode to keep my attention. Thats why Im curious how one can even tell if its time to give a chance and maybe even examples of the difference between crumbs and a serious attempt to reconcile.
lawwal Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 When we were FWB, she basically could not stay away from me either. She'd bring me food, ask to come lay down, go eat, movies, etc. It was like we were dating, but she didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. Everybody was saying she was just using me. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. It confused the hell out of me too. People on LS would say that if he wanted to reconcile, he would come right out and say it. Everything else would just be crumbs. The reason I ended up deciding to go NC is so that I can heal, improve myself, and, as a bonus, get her to come back to me if she really wanted to. I don't think she was ever going to commit with me always being there. Lol, This is what I've gathered the last few days and what I keep telling myself to keep me sane thru NC. serious attempt: "i want to try again" crumbs: "hey", "what r u doing", "are you ignoring me"
heartbrokengrl Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I'm in a similar situation. He broke up with me, after 5 days NC, he messaged me that he misses me, I ignored. Day 6 NC he said he was scared but hoped it wasn't too late. So I responded..thinking from that e-mail he wanted to give it a chance, so the next day we met up, hung out as normal. But when he kissed me, I asked what we are doing. He then got sad and said he couldn't be with anyone because he was transitioning and in a mess but misses me. How confusing! I thought he wanted me back. He was drunk as usual, but after talking about how great we are together, he said he didn't want to separate. So "technically" we're together, but his heart isn't all the way with me, I'm hoping with time he'll come around, so I made plans to see him tomorrow. I hope I'm not pushing it here. I don't want to pressure anyone to come around when he's lost, but I want to be there with him, NOT Fwb tho.
loveforever Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 serious attempt: "i want to try again" crumbs: "hey", "what r u doing", "are you ignoring me" So what is this then ??? "I do love you !!! I don't want you to move out !!! Let's see what the next weeks or months bring" Crumbs or serious attempt
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 I wouldnt say we are, or ever were fwb mainly because Id get so emotionally wrecked after sex that wed avoid it and anything sexual at all for months at a time, even kissing or holding hands... But we still spent a lot of time together, hes always made the effort to spend time with me and keep in contact. Whether things are sweet between us or Im flipping out on him, he still tells me that he loves me and cant imagine his life without me... and every so often throws in in there that hes just not ready for a relationship right now. Yeah, I guess I have to go with the obvious here...until he flat out says he is ready and does want to be in a relationship, Ill have to assume everything else is just him trying to keep things on the level its been and not give in to that.
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 So what is this then ??? "I do love you !!! I don't want you to move out !!! Let's see what the next weeks or months bring" Crumbs or serious attempt The part I bolded...Im kinda jaded about that and dont see that as anything but words..the whole "lets see thing" is just something thrown out for you to keep you holding on a bit longer. When my ex started distancing himself before our breakup, hed say "in the next cpl months things will be better, you have nothing to worry about lets just see what happens"... when we did break up, he asked me to wait and see "til summer" when he was sure hed want to try again. Just last week he said "Im not ready now but lets see how things are a year from now..." Thats actually the point where I lost my marbles and freaked out on him that Im tired of waiting and seeing...Im onto you and your stupid timelines!! Ahh...but yeah, I no longer trust what might happen if I wait and see...cause Ive been waiting and seeing for a year and a half now and he boldface expected me to wait a whole other year. Thats when I gave up altogether and decided this whole friend thing isnt working for me (took me long enough). Here and now...thats what matters.
lawwal Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 So what is this then ??? "I do love you !!! I don't want you to move out !!! Let's see what the next weeks or months bring" Crumbs or serious attempt Hmmm...maybe you should ask..."so what do you want to do" or something that will get him to say he wants back together.
lawwal Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I wouldnt say we are, or ever were fwb mainly because Id get so emotionally wrecked after sex that wed avoid it and anything sexual at all for months at a time, even kissing or holding hands... But we still spent a lot of time together, hes always made the effort to spend time with me and keep in contact. Whether things are sweet between us or Im flipping out on him, he still tells me that he loves me and cant imagine his life without me... and every so often throws in in there that hes just not ready for a relationship right now. Yeah, I guess I have to go with the obvious here...until he flat out says he is ready and does want to be in a relationship, Ill have to assume everything else is just him trying to keep things on the level its been and not give in to that. The FWB got to the point where I was happy since I was seeing her everyday so I didn't get emotional until 4 weeks later when she was testing me and I reacted poorly. I'm in NC now, but honestly I'm not really sure if this drastic approach will work. I mean she didn't want to be in a relationship, and being NC and telling her to contact me if she wanted to try again would probably do more harm than good. But what's done is done...I've tried to think about how I can get back to FWB since it seems like she just needs some space and freedom. Maybe if you just go with the flow with him, play it cool, etc, he will come back to you.
loveforever Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 The part I bolded...Im kinda jaded about that and dont see that as anything but words..the whole "lets see thing" is just something thrown out for you to keep you holding on a bit longer. When my ex started distancing himself before our breakup, hed say "in the next cpl months things will be better, you have nothing to worry about lets just see what happens"... when we did break up, he asked me to wait and see "til summer" when he was sure hed want to try again. Just last week he said "Im not ready now but lets see how things are a year from now..." Thats actually the point where I lost my marbles and freaked out on him that Im tired of waiting and seeing...Im onto you and your stupid timelines!! Ahh...but yeah, I no longer trust what might happen if I wait and see...cause Ive been waiting and seeing for a year and a half now and he boldface expected me to wait a whole other year. Thats when I gave up altogether and decided this whole friend thing isnt working for me (took me long enough). Here and now...thats what matters. He said that after the divorce was final.... Right after I signed the divorce papers (he was dead set on divorcing me) our beloved dog had to be put down and it brought us closer together.... Then 3 weeks later the final divorce papers showed up in the mail and he tried to hide them (didn't want to ruin my birthday )....I said it's all over and he said "Only if you want it to be" and then he said the "I do love you...." stuff.... We still live together.... I he was really serious about getting back together I screwed it up nicely by making snide remarks and accusing him of cheating (he had an EA with an old high school flame....she practically cheered him on when he was contemplating divorce )..... When he blew up on me last Saturday because I again made a cheating remark while he was on the phone with his brother and I rudely interrupted him.....I realized that I had to stop this behavior.... I hope that I still have a shot at this.... Back to the "Bitch Bible" I'm getting weak.....
loveforever Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Hmmm...maybe you should ask..."so what do you want to do" or something that will get him to say he wants back together. I decided to wait.... I didn't make it very easy for him to fall back in love with me lately.....made snide remarks and accusations about other women....and I think if I'd ask a decision now I would not be lucky.....
lawwal Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I kind of wish I did the same thing now. It's so hard to do NC. It's only been like 8 or 9 days and a day since I told her I wanted NC, and I'm already going to cave, lol.
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 (edited) The FWB got to the point where I was happy since I was seeing her everyday so I didn't get emotional until 4 weeks later when she was testing me and I reacted poorly(...)I've tried to think about how I can get back to FWB since it seems like she just needs some space and freedom. Only if you'd truly be alright with being an fwb and wont expect anything more then that...be true to yourself on this because if you have feelings for her, youll always want more and the whole time you'll be hurting. This is the one thing I stood my ground on and Im thankful I did. Yeah I had weak moments, but soon after our breakup, the first time we had sex I got all emotional, screamed at him Im not one of his b*tches to f around with. It was almost 5 mths before he even kissed me again lol he was afraid to touch me, but it didnt change how much he wanted to see me. As a matter of fact for awhile there he wanted to see me more than when we were even together. Maybe if you just go with the flow with him, play it cool, etc, he will come back to you. Ive been playing it cool for a year and a half now... Im playing it cold now. I kind of wish I did the same thing now. It's so hard to do NC. It's only been like 8 or 9 days and a day since I told her I wanted NC, and I'm already going to cave, lol. Youre already leaps and bounds ahead of me...The longest Ive gone NC is 3 days about a year ago, a cpl months after our breakup...and it helped that he was out of the country and doesnt have intl dialing on his phone. Im at 2 solid days so far, I dont count him coming to my job since I didnt plan or encourage that. So I think you are doing really good. Figure out what you want and will truly be happy with and dont settle for anything less or you will just make yourself miserable. Im too emotionally charged to even pretend Im okay with just hanging out...forget about being his fwb, Id make his life hell. Edited March 13, 2011 by ReturnToSender
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 (edited) He said that after the divorce was final (...) I said it's all over and he said "Only if you want it to be" and then he said the "I do love you...." stuff.... That really is cruel..it wasnt "only if you want it to be", hes the one who cheated and wanted the divorce! It was what he wanted it to be, and hes putting it on you and now saying these lovey things. Not fair at all. I he was really serious about getting back together I screwed it up nicely by making snide remarks and accusing him of cheating When he blew up on me last Saturday because I again made a cheating remark while he was on the phone with his brother and I rudely interrupted him.....I realized that I had to stop this behavior.... Sorry if I sound a bit jaded, but it seems to me he rudely interrupted your marriage by cheating in the first place and now you are divorced. I dont see how you can, or how he can expect you to drop the feelings from that, feel secure with him or trust him so easily. When I first found out my bf had cheated and we broke up, I was such a mess. Even when he tried to talk to me and be "normal", I couldnt help but blow up on him...as in Him:"Id really like to see and talk to you, will you meet me for lunch Tues?"... Me:"Take your whore to lunch, do I look like Im starving and need you to feed me?" I jest you not...for a long time I was so mad I couldnt see straight. Its been over a year now and though Im *way* less angry than I used to be, every couple of months I do still flip out on him and now when I do I feel horrible cause I feel like I should be past that. Ive apologized but he always tells me I have no reason to be sorry, he does...he brought it on himself and deserves it for hurting me. It was months before he could say something totally innocent without me somehow connecting it to and making a snide remark about him cheating. Definitely doesnt hurt to try and come to peace with yourself and work on letting go of that anger even if for your sake and mental health, but dont beat yourself up that you are ruining anything by not keeping how you feel to yourself. Really, until he makes you feel secure and you have regained some amount of trust in him its going to be that way...its something both of you have to work on...its not up to you to make or break this, and Im willing to bet this is definitely not what you wanted, so dont let him get away with saying that as if you brought this on yourself. Edited March 13, 2011 by ReturnToSender
lawwal Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I had a moment of weakness tonight but talked to some people and am ok with the NC again. I have no idea how I'm going to make it to a month. Take your NC day by day...come on here to vent and release all that negative energy. It sure helps me from doing something stupid. Just remember that you are strong enough to do this.
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Thanks so much lawwal... Im trying, though I actually did slip up. Man oh man sometimes I feel hopeless...back to day 1. Ill keep writing my ridiculous thread I started about it to keep my thoughts together.
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 I decided to wait.... I didn't make it very easy for him to fall back in love with me lately.....made snide remarks and accusations about other women....and I think if I'd ask a decision now I would not be lucky..... I just read your whole thread...even made a cup of coffee and settled in for the whole story I jumped the gun in my earlier reply, from what you said about the snide comments about other women I assumed the divorce was because he was having an affair, but I got the picture now. So Im not sure what I said earlier applies, though I do still believe that you are entitled to your anger and how youre feeling....the whole way the divorce went down and how hes been was painful to read, moreless to go through! I understand the idea that he was being sweet to you to make sure you didnt take him for all hes got out of anger, but on the flip, its confusing that hes being even more sweet now that its final. A lot of what you said about him, Ive said about my exbf too...in that from everything hes done, everyone says hes a jerk, but if only they knew what he was really like, what the moments with him were like, wishing they could see and know him like I do cause then maybe theyd understand why I still love him regardless of everything thats happened... Maybe by now I should agree, heck, even hes heard it so much that he says hes just going to go with its, hes an a-hole and a jerk and if everyone is going to hate him anyway then he may as well act like what since no one expects more than that anyway. Still, it broke my heart when he said that his friends told him his sister asked one of them "so how is that a-hole I have to call my brother doing?" She and I are very close, and shes still enraged with him....will not talk to him and will not spend any time with him if she doesnt have to. As it is, Im invited into her home for holidays, and he is not. Everyone thinks he could care less about that, but it does kill him. All the same, I sometimes feel like such a fool because Im quite literally the only person he knows that doesnt look at him and treat him like a jerk for what he did to me, when I should be the top one doing it... Anyway, even though not on the same level...we werent married, didnt even live together and have no kids together, but on some level I do feel the confusion and I do feel the anger towards him, the annoyance from how others treat him....battle between loving him and wanting to just let him go since he cant make up his mind about me... Especially when all signs point to it that he already has made up his mind...just like with your ex....when he put those divorce papers through he made up his mind...when my ex left to be with another woman he made up his mind... But everything gets muddled and blurred when they do things they dont have to, things that youd think theyd only do for someone they loved and cared about...like with your ex still taking care of you...my ex has taken care of me both in being here and financially too, and gets so angry when I pay him back...as a matter of fact I have to give him cash, not a check else he wont cash it. So confusing...so yeah, I dont know what I could possibly say, because to be honest, as I read your story all I could think was how small my problems are in comparison. I think its awesome though that youre going back to school, and working out, and doing things that will definitely benefit you and help you grow as a person. Also, as I am both a vet and ex-military wife, I can tell you...the role of a military wife is SO huge, its no coincidence that many dont have a job at all...its a league all its own very different from being a civilian wife, you held the fort down when he was away...sure you didnt do everything perfect but you did your best. Please dont beat yourself up over that...
heartshaped Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I hope you do go NC, OP, and stick to it. I think it's best in this situation. You can't keep being with someone, but not being with them. He isn't ready for a relationship and you shouldn't be putting your life on hold waiting on him to be ready for one. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Don't let him.
Author ReturnToSender Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Thanks for the encouragement heart... yeah its true, its what I need to do. Ive put my life on hold for so long now...Im in my mid-30s and dont have that kind of time to just twiddle my fingers and see what happens. I "amused" myself with the thought, cause he keeps saying hes not ready and asking for more time, from asking me to give him til the end of the month, to giving him til summer, then til the end of the year, now its give him another year.... I thought yeah, if I keep this up, In 40 years we'll be old and senile and still at it... He'll turn to me and say, please just give me til next week, and Ill look at him and go...Who are you and whats happening next week? And he'll look at me and say, I dont know, I just felt compelled to say that to you..... By the way, you look really familiar, dont I know you from somewhere? Me and my dark humour...
betterdeal Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 That is the relationship you currently have. I know a lot of people in similar boats. If you want a bit of cock and cuddles once a month and don't mind what he does in between, it can work. Otherwise, you can choose to end that relationship. It's up to you.
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