NG85 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 So my ex and I broke up about 4 months ago, and I've gone through 2 major periods of NC, and at the most we'd speak about once or twice a week. She's with a new guy, but I'm still considering trying to get her back. I've heard that the tip to getting your ex back is to be friends with them and be able to contact them regularly, but it seems like that'll throw you into the void of the friend zone. My ex and I are on good terms, enough so that even after about 2 weeks of NC I can send her a text or phone call and she'll respond rather quickly, so it seems as though I'm still enough on her radar to warrant that kind of response. Still, I'm weary of talking to her too much, as that might just make me her, as someone once said, "girlfriend with a penis". Thoughts?
PegNosePete Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This NC of which you speak is not what the rest of us mean by NC. NC means No Contact. So to answer your question... NEVER. She has moved on. Time for you to, too.
Mcnulty Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Whoever gave you that tip was wrong I'm afraid. She has someone else. Does her BF know she is in touch with you? It isn't fair on him is it? Go full NC and try to rebuild your life. If she wants you, she will come back, that simple really. Good luck.
Country_Girl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) You already posted a thread with this title a week or so ago. But I didn't see that your Ex was already dating someone else. If that is the case, then casual contact when she contacts you is not an option. You need to go complete NC. She might respond in a reasonable time frame, but trust me, that's just to keep you as a backup plan. I hope I don't sound harsh, but that's the reality. Read this thread, (ha maybe not the whole thing since it is long) on why you need to go NC in a rebound situation: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=199355&pagenumber= At least read the first post, then scroll down for the post by Zorba, lots on insights! Edited March 11, 2011 by Country_Girl Added info
Author NG85 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Excellent link, Country Girl, thanks a bunch! It's been 4 months, and there are times when I feel like I've moved on, but the fact that I'm still here complaining means that something's missing. My ex was not only my girlfriend, but my best friend, and losing her left a huge hole in my life. So I replaced it with a focus on my career, as well as taking up new hobbies, most notably working out (Like Zorba said in that post, after a while you let yourself go, and that's exactly what I did at the end of the relationship, gaining weight, wearing the same clothes for a week straight, and being lax on hygiene). I've also been working on becoming a stronger person with a more positive attitude. I guess the big issue was that she was able to find someone else so quickly, while I've been floundering on sub-par dates for the past few months. My big mistake was staying in contact following the break-up, but once I found out she was with someone so quickly I went NC for a month, and when she finally did initiate contact she was very curious as to what was going on in my life. We had a pretty clean break, so it feels a bit natural to maintain contact, but I do also believe in being scarce so that you create a sense of want in someone. It's very odd that I went from sleeping with this girl and having her tell me she loves me one day to having her find someone else only a few months later. But Zorba did say something that picqued my interest and may work in my favor: "The faster the rebound happens and the faster the "I love you"'s are exchanged in the rebound, the faster the rebound fails." The reason I assume this is a rebound is because they progressed VERY quickly in the relationship, seemingly to the point where they're doing things that it took me and her a year or so to end up doing. They do seem very in sync, but from my experience it seems that situations like this where they move very quickly tend to burn out very quickly. I've also heard that this may be because my ex is used to the level of intimacy we had, and so she's trying to get to that level ASAP as a comfort thing. Recently, the last time she initiated contact was when she and her new guy went on a road trip to her old neighborhood where I'd visit her every weekend. I received several texts from her over the weekend, telling me about things she saw or places she went that I used to like. It seems odd that she's on this trip with her new guy, yet telling me she saw my favorite beer at a restaurant.
Country_Girl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Excellent link, Country Girl, thanks a bunch! It's been 4 months, and there are times when I feel like I've moved on, but the fact that I'm still here complaining means that something's missing. My ex was not only my girlfriend, but my best friend, and losing her left a huge hole in my life. So I replaced it with a focus on my career, as well as taking up new hobbies, most notably working out (Like Zorba said in that post, after a while you let yourself go, and that's exactly what I did at the end of the relationship, gaining weight, wearing the same clothes for a week straight, and being lax on hygiene). I've also been working on becoming a stronger person with a more positive attitude. I guess the big issue was that she was able to find someone else so quickly, while I've been floundering on sub-par dates for the past few months. My big mistake was staying in contact following the break-up, but once I found out she was with someone so quickly I went NC for a month, and when she finally did initiate contact she was very curious as to what was going on in my life. We had a pretty clean break, so it feels a bit natural to maintain contact, but I do also believe in being scarce so that you create a sense of want in someone. It's very odd that I went from sleeping with this girl and having her tell me she loves me one day to having her find someone else only a few months later. But Zorba did say something that picqued my interest and may work in my favor: "The faster the rebound happens and the faster the "I love you"'s are exchanged in the rebound, the faster the rebound fails." The reason I assume this is a rebound is because they progressed VERY quickly in the relationship, seemingly to the point where they're doing things that it took me and her a year or so to end up doing. They do seem very in sync, but from my experience it seems that situations like this where they move very quickly tend to burn out very quickly. I've also heard that this may be because my ex is used to the level of intimacy we had, and so she's trying to get to that level ASAP as a comfort thing. Recently, the last time she initiated contact was when she and her new guy went on a road trip to her old neighborhood where I'd visit her every weekend. I received several texts from her over the weekend, telling me about things she saw or places she went that I used to like. It seems odd that she's on this trip with her new guy, yet telling me she saw my favorite beer at a restaurant. You know at some point, we all kind of "let ourselves go" in a relationship, that's because we are comfortable with the other person and we trust they will not leave us. So what if you wore sweats every day...those aren't reasons to leave a person, it's just stuff you think back on and would have changed hoping your Ex would have made a different decision. But it wouldn't. You will read in this forum that women often make up their mind in a break-up long before hand. I have only been the dumper once, but I emotionally checked out maybe 6 months prior to the breakup when I was the dumper. Me & the X are still friends to this day, but I think that's because we have been in contact the whole time. If he actually disappeared, maybe we would be together. There is no "mystery" in being friends, the whole thing that attracted you to your lover to begin with- but I think if you hear less often from someone, it creates a longing.
fetish Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 its hard accepting your ex moving on to someone else or eventually will. Just know that usually when they do, its simply a defense mechanism which is usually so they don't have to go through the pain or even wonder about you with someone else, so they do it first. Some people are just flat out mean and do it out of retaliation or just to hurt you, and in that case they're clearly not over you. One of my exes, i found out that she had moved on to 2 relaitonships within 2 months after dating me. I had gone NC for about 2 months so it didn't sting quite as bad. My recent ex of 8 years hasn't made me aware if she's seeing someone else and we're currently 5 days on NC. I think it would take me longer than 2 months to fully accept her w/ someone else. But hey, what if i meet someone else? My point, the best thing you can do is move on. I mean, she has. Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Remember how cruel a break up she did on her bf and even had a new man but when she saw he was moving on to someone else, she started getting jealous and wanting him back?
Author NG85 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 its hard accepting your ex moving on to someone else or eventually will. Just know that usually when they do, its simply a defense mechanism which is usually so they don't have to go through the pain or even wonder about you with someone else, so they do it first. Some people are just flat out mean and do it out of retaliation or just to hurt you, and in that case they're clearly not over you. One of my exes, i found out that she had moved on to 2 relaitonships within 2 months after dating me. I had gone NC for about 2 months so it didn't sting quite as bad. My recent ex of 8 years hasn't made me aware if she's seeing someone else and we're currently 5 days on NC. I think it would take me longer than 2 months to fully accept her w/ someone else. But hey, what if i meet someone else? My point, the best thing you can do is move on. I mean, she has. Have you seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Remember how cruel a break up she did on her bf and even had a new man but when she saw he was moving on to someone else, she started getting jealous and wanting him back? Hah hah, I actually just watched Sarah Marshall a few weeks ago. Great movie, and it made me laugh at a similar situation for once that had been bugging me for a while. I remember towards the beginning of the break-up my ex had asked if I was seeing anyone, and I said I may have been. She immediately piped in with "IS IT SOMEONE I DON'T LIKE???" (AKA any girl I knew from college or, well, associate with). She got pretty jealous, and the fact that she talks about her new guy all the time but never asks me how my dating is going means that she might not want to know out of jealousy or whatever. Here's another thought: One factor leading to our break-up was we lived a few hours apart, and it was a strain because it was expensive and a hassle to visit one another. But her new guy lives 10 TIMES further way than I do, and she seems to have no problem. I wonder if she'll get kicked in the ass when the honeymoon phase is over because, let's face it, that's a lot of money and effort to fly that distance to meet in person.
Dream Brother Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I have only been the dumper once, but I emotionally checked out maybe 6 months prior to the breakup when I was the dumper. Why on earth did you wait 6 months to tell the other person?
Author NG85 Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 I have to thank you once again, Countrygirl. I went through that thread you posted several times over the weekend, and there was some great information. Prior to making this thread I stupidly texted her to ask her a question about website design (She's very knowledgeable, and I knew I'd get an answer ASAP that'd help), but now I know that I'd probably have been best just using Google or another forum. This weekend I was at a party with a mutual friend told me that he saw on Facebook that my ex kept updating her status to say she was doing stuff in her city with her new guy (Who lives on the other side of the country). When my ex contacted me the last time a few weeks back, she never mentioned her bf being there with her, but it turns out he was visiting and going on a road trip with her (The one where she kept texting me about all this stuff she saw that she thought I'd be interested in). So he's in her city now, it makes me wonder if he made another trip out or, maybe, he moved out to live with her. One the one hand I'm sort of shocked at the level of deepness their relationship has gone, but on the other hand I really think I dodged a bullet. My ex showed remarkable maturity at times, but at other times was extremely needy, emotional, and unstable. When we broke up she was officially with this new guy less than 3 weeks later, who also happens to live 3 time zones away. I'm sure there are plenty of good guys around where she lives, but my theory is that this new guy was the first person to show her attention, and she latched onto him after we broke up. Her neediness levels rose towards the end of our relationship, and it doesn't surprise me that even the smallest amounts of affection her way would make her cling to someone. Maybe this is the real thing, who knows. But then again she's a poor college student who makes minimum wage and is trying to get a degree. Plane tickets are expensive, and all these trips take you away from your home/life/responsibilities, and it seems like she's putting this new relationship above all of her other priorities. Think of it this way - Would your job let you take a vacation once a month? There's a reason most jobs only give 2-3 weeks vacation per year. If you take any more than that then you can't perform your duties and your job probably won't even be there for you when you return.
Author NG85 Posted March 16, 2011 Author Posted March 16, 2011 An update: My ex sent me a text tonight, and I deleted it. I have reason to believe her new guy visited her this weekend, and probably left recently. Therefore she's feeling lonely, and hence the text. However, I do feel really good about it, almost like I've been released a bit from her grasp.
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