Celestine Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I hope this will be the last time I will seek advice here, at least for some weeks So I moved back to where I went to high school, met a bunch of new and old people. During the first week I had an intense thing going on with one guy. There was lots of chemistry and sparks, only physical, but not much else as I figured pretty soon. I was very physically attracted to him, he's intelligent and ambitious(a tad overambitious for my taste). We even had decent conversations but there just wasn't potential for this to go anywhere. We talked it out, decided to leave it at that and move on. May I say, we failed. Two days later at a party, the attraction obviously hadn't faded, we saw each other, then pretended for hours that we didn't and finally accidentally met when getting a drink, started to talk and then to make out. We stopped after a while since this wasn't where we wanted it to go and we haven't seen each other since then. Now a good friend of his(I'm not equally physically attracted to) asked me out a couple of times. He's smart, funny and just really a nice guy. I have a lot of fun when I'm with him. We share many interests. When we were talking about said friend yesterday, I figured he had no idea that there had been something going on between me and him. I didn't tell him either, now I'm thinking maybe I should have. The other guy lives about 400 kilometres away, so he won't be around here too often. But when we'll meet again, the attraction will probably still be there. Now this guy I've been on a couple of dates with, is very serious with me. He says so, his actions speak so. Don't get me wrong, I really like him a lot but I'm just not sure I want a relationship with him, unless I develop a physical attraction towards him. He's a good guy, so somehow I feel he deserves someone who's really into him. A girl who knows what she wants - him. I cannot say that of myself right now. It feels so unfair to him. I already told him that I need more time to figure myself out, so it's not that I'm leading him on but I still feel like a bad person. This whole situation leaves me all confused. I'm telling myself all day long, Celi, you have to figure out what you want. I think I really want to give this guy a chance, because personality-wise he's so wonderful. I'm just afraid that I will be hurting him. And he doesn't deserve that, because he's been so good with me. I feel so torn. Any thoughts on this situation? Should I just walk away now before I can cause any hurt feelings? But that would hurt me too...
betterdeal Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Just say what you feel. "Thanks, but no thanks" works very well for me. Anything else is just guilt-ridden bull**** that will cause you and him more harm and waste more of your time.
Author Celestine Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Just say what you feel. "Thanks, but no thanks" works very well for me. Anything else is just guilt-ridden bull**** that will cause you and him more harm and waste more of your time. Sure it would be the "safest option". But I honestly love spending time with him, as we share the same sense of humor, have many common interests and just get along really well. I enjoy being with him, so I'm fairly sure it wouldn't be a waste of time. But if I continue seeing him and I do not develop any physical attraction towards him, I would not want to have a serious relationship with him. But I fear then it will be too late to not hurt him.
betterdeal Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Okay then, you are interested, but something is subliminally telling you no. Something about him is unattractive. Maybe he's too reserved, expecting things to be too deliberate for your liking. Maybe you prefer the man to take the lead in the courting game and to take some risks, expose his inner self to you, be strong enough within himself to be vulnerable with you. If he's sexually inexperienced, that can hold a man back. He may fear making a fool of himself, not performing well. He sounds like he may be a late bloomer, and they can be some of the best catches because they have less baggage to deal with and can be more open to learning and growing with someone. It might be worth enquiring about that, and teaching him how you like to make love, how you like to kiss, how you like to cuddle. It might also be worth making gentle enquiries into what holds him back. Whatever you do, you already *have* a relationship with this man, and you can choose to continue it, see if it develops, enjoy your time with someone who plainly you like, or you can choose to part your ways.
heartshaped Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Just have to ask the obvious question here, are you hung up on guy #1 and perhaps are comparing guy #2 to him physically thus not finding him attractive? It does sound like you care for guy #2 and as I'm sure you know over time, attraction does sometimes develop. I don't think there would be nothing wrong with pursuing guy #2 as long as you are open and honest about how you feel and you aren't hung up on the first guy.
Author Celestine Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 I would say I'm hung up on the looks of guy #1, but nothing else. He was just really good looking. I wish this attraction would just fade so I could be completely free for guy #2. But it's been much too short a time for this to happen, I guess. And now I'm stuck in this situation. The timing is just really bad. My real problem is that guy #1 and #2 are really good friends. It just feels weird. #1 has a big ego, so I guess what he'll think is something along the lines "Well she figured the two of us wouldn't work out, now she settled for second best.", in this aspect #1 was really overly self confident and arrogant. But I must say I do fear his influence on guy #2 on this subject. And I don't want to make #2 feel that way, he's pretty special and has a great personality. Now I feel like whatever I do it will be wrong.
Author Celestine Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Then do whatever you like. Haha. Don't worry I will do just that. But just by writing this whole story down here, some things become clearer to me and I start to figure it out step by step. So I'll eventually get to the point where I now where I'm standing with this guy(or without him, for instance).
heartshaped Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I think you should tell guy #2 about your short thing with his friend, just mention it short of casually, and brush it off as if it was nothing. I don't think you should stop seeing the guy as it's obvious that you like him. I would just tell him that you want to take things slowly and see where they might could go. I think there's potential here.
Author Celestine Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 Ok, I just hoped I wouldn't be back so soon to seek advice, but here we go... Little update on guy #2: First of all, I didn't get a chance to talk to him about guy #1. I mean I could have done it but I hesitated to do so. Appears that now it's too late. I was out of town for 6 days and didn't talk to him but we had made plans for a date on this weekend(he wanted to come up with something and let me know). When I got back I turned on my phone after landing at the airport and had this really sweet message from him saying: "Good to have you back in town". Since then, nothing. He doesn't make any contact. Ok, it's only been three days but I'm freaking out. We are both working all day, he knows the cafe I'm working at and he used to come around on his breaks from time to time. He doesn't do that anymore. I guess I should just message him and ask what's wrong. What do you guys think?
Imajerk17 Posted March 25, 2011 Posted March 25, 2011 Ok, I just hoped I wouldn't be back so soon to seek advice, but here we go... Little update on guy #2: First of all, I didn't get a chance to talk to him about guy #1. I mean I could have done it but I hesitated to do so. Appears that now it's too late. I was out of town for 6 days and didn't talk to him but we had made plans for a date on this weekend(he wanted to come up with something and let me know). When I got back I turned on my phone after landing at the airport and had this really sweet message from him saying: "Good to have you back in town". Since then, nothing. He doesn't make any contact. Ok, it's only been three days but I'm freaking out. We are both working all day, he knows the cafe I'm working at and he used to come around on his breaks from time to time. He doesn't do that anymore. I guess I should just message him and ask what's wrong. What do you guys think? If you didn't contact him back he actually might be thinking you faded on him. Call or message him asking how he is doing (instead of "what's wrong").
Author Celestine Posted March 25, 2011 Author Posted March 25, 2011 If you didn't contact him back he actually might be thinking you faded on him. Call or message him asking how he is doing (instead of "what's wrong"). Thanks. I just talked to him, he's been sick, wasn't at work. Oh man, I'm just so overthinking some stuff. All I needed to do was open my mouth. Haha, I learn from day to day.
Author Celestine Posted April 3, 2011 Author Posted April 3, 2011 And again, I'm confused. We had a date planned on thursday but it turned out I couldn't make it because of work I had to get done. I apologized and told him that I am very busy until up to the end of this project I'm doing(will be finished on wednesday). He replied, "Well then, I hope you'll be successful." He has stopped spending his breaks at my café. This time for real, he's not sick or something. I messaged him on Facebook, asking what how he was doing because I hadn't heard from him since I cancelled the date. But he just brushed me off and said he couldn't talk to me then. When I asked when he could, he said that he didn't know. So this is where we stand, there's two weeks left until he leaves for SF, there were so many thing we wanted to do before that and now I feel like it's all just slipping away... HELP!!
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