Jump to content

This is Tough...Feeling Very Low Today


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I've briefly posted my story on here in another thread. To summarize, I have been in an off and on relationship with a girl I have known for about a year and a half. We've spent more time apart than together, which really sucks. We had a reconciliation around the first of the year and it only lasted a month.

 

A big part of our downturn this time was because she was in the process of securing a loan for her first home purchase. Her stress level was maxed. Things with us became strained and I suggested we take a break. I told her I didn't want to lose her out of my life again.

 

I've been in NC for almost a month. It's getting tougher because I belive she is supposed to be moving into this new home next week. The kicker is she's only moving like 5 minutes away from me. It seems like as the move-in date approaches, my anxiety level is just shooting through the roof. I guess I have it in my head that she's going to move into this house and after a few weeks reach out to me. I really don't feel like I should be reaching out anymore because I sent her some flowers on Valentine's day, to which she did not respond. Actions speak louder than words, you know.

 

Oh well, just had to post here because I'm having an extremely hard time coping. I'm so tempted to reach out, but honestly I want to give her as much space as she needs. That's the best for both of us. I want to feel apathy towards her, but it just never settles in.

 

Just hurting today, that's all.

Posted

Hugs, hugs and more hugs:bunny::bunny::bunny:.

I'm having a bad day ,too, so I know how you feel!

Perhaps tomorrow will be better!

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the hugs, worlybear. I certainly appreciate it.

 

Yep, tomorrow is a new day. I can only hope that the next day gets better.

Posted

Tomorrow hopefully will be a better day :)

 

I am a medical student and I have a test on monday which I think I have spent more time moping and reading stuff on LS than studying for so I doubt tomorrow will be a better day for me :)

 

But I'm optimistic that things will get better... someday... and Thank God this happened in December and not in summer before my board exam.

 

hugs :)

Posted

Every morning when I wake up, there's that brief moment of respite before all the memories come crashing in. As much as I love and miss him, I just wish I didn't have to deal with that, it makes me feel lower than the floor. So I know exactly what you are feeling. The only advice I can give is keep busy, if I am doing something with friends that can take my mind off him for at least a little while (if I even feel like going out or seeing anybody). Like you I am still hoping for a reconciliation one day once we have both grown as people, as unrealistic as that may be. I know that for that to even be a possibility I have to leave him alone for a while, but it's very hard when somebody was in your life every day and now they simply aren't. Hang in there, you never know what will happen, situations can change... but at the same time try to move on a little.

  • Author
Posted

The troubling part is even when I'm doing things with friends, I still think about her constantly. When I try to stay busy, I think about her constantly.

 

I check the LS boards frequently. Probably a couple times per hour. LS seems to be the only place I can feel a little better about things. I just feel pretty worthless right now.

 

I'm sure she has thought about me. To what extent? I have no idea! I would like to believe that she thinks about me everyday, but sadly I don't believe that is the case.

 

Only time will tell I suppose. I am doing some things to move on. Getting ready to book a trip to Germany and also may get a puppy in a few months.

Posted

Thinking about someone you still care about, while even trying to stay busy, is totally normal TTA.. so don't let it trouble you too much. Trust that it will get better. And please don't let the fact that you care make you feel worthless, that's an awesome quality to have!

  • Author
Posted

Thanks, valpre.

 

I guess it's hard to comprehend why I care for someone who has let me down many times. She can be a selfish person, but I know generally her heart is in the right place.

 

Caring is a good quality to have. Sometimes I just think I care too much at the expense of my own feelings. I honestly hope she is getting on okay with all of her new house stuff. I just wish that I could have been a part of it to help her along the way. She is doing it on her own though, which I respect immensely. I think that's one thing that I'm so attracted to is that she can survive on her own and doesn't need a guy. I've personally been single for much of my adult life, so I know I don't NEED a girlfriend. I also know I don't NEED her in my life. The fact is, I WANT her in my life. Ugh.

Posted

You remind me of that Stones song.. "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need". ;)

 

Just remember that you deserve someone that is capable of caring for you too..

  • Author
Posted

Good tune, and good message.

 

Now that's going to be in my head all day!:laugh:

Posted
The troubling part is even when I'm doing things with friends, I still think about her constantly. When I try to stay busy, I think about her constantly.

 

I check the LS boards frequently. Probably a couple times per hour. LS seems to be the only place I can feel a little better about things. I just feel pretty worthless right now.

 

I'm sure she has thought about me. To what extent? I have no idea! I would like to believe that she thinks about me everyday, but sadly I don't believe that is the case.

 

Only time will tell I suppose. I am doing some things to move on. Getting ready to book a trip to Germany and also may get a puppy in a few months.

 

I think we would all like to believe that as we sit here, red eyed and low spirited with all the moments of the relationship, good and bad, playing incessantly in our heads, that the other person is doing the exact same thing. I am sad to say that in my case also, I don't think this is true. Then again, we probably won't ever know. They might believe we are doing fine too. It's just one of those incomprehensible things.

 

Booking the trip plus getting the puppy both sound like really positive things. Animals are amazing at giving love and company, and can often feel like a best friend. Commit to these things and do them for yourself. I'm the same though, being with friends is only a brief solution and he is still always in my head. I just have to decide when I have had enough of tormenting myself. I'm seeing a counsellor now and I never thought it would come to that! I can't believe it. But it is the way to a solution, and we have to take care of ourselves.

  • Author
Posted

Today is the day she is supposed to close on her new house and move in. I'm not even 100% sure everything went through on the sale. After all, it has been about a month and a half since we last spoke.

 

I'm just hurting so dang bad right now. Here she's probably a mile away all excited moving into her new place. I wanted so badly to be around to see her excitement with starting this new chapter in her life. For that brief few weeks of reconciliation, I truly thought she wanted me to be a part of her life. I just can't stop thinking about her and how much I just want to tell her congratulations. But how can I have these feelings? Why would I even want to talk to her? She mistreated me. I sent her flowers on Valentine's day and she didn't even respond! I just don't understand why I'm still hanging onto hope that this will somehow work out. Even though I'm very proud of myself for maintining NC for a month now, I really don't feel any better. Everyday is tougher and tougher. It's likely because of being on this "break" that I suggested. I put myself in this limbo. I pretty much have decided that her non-response to the flowers is her message for me to move on. It sucks so bad. I thought she had more respect for me than that. I'm still holding onto the hope that after a few weeks of living in her new place, she'll call me.

 

So, I guess this is a new chapter in my life as well. I have to figure out how to move on knowing there's a 75% chance she lives just down the street from me and that I may never talk to her again. I'm too cowardly to call her and find out for sure if all of the moving plans went through. It's like I'm afraid of hearing what I don't want to hear (that she has moved on and there is no hope for us).

 

This really sucks. I hate life right now.

Posted

Don't force it! Vent on here if need be. Give here a few weeks of nc and concentrate on getting ur emotions under control. I'd say if u feel the same as I think u will, reach out to her, have a talk not too much just to see where she is n be honest with how u feel if she doesn't respond u have to step n alet her realize her true feelings for u. It may not be what u want but it will be true. Love should n honesty should flow both way, don't settle if she is not willing to fight for u.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the reply Denillad. I'm already at a month of NC, so I know a couple of more weeks won't kill me. The thing is I sort of feel like it's on her to reach out to me. I didn't do anything wrong, and I'm sure she knows that.

 

One thing I didn't mention in my original post was that she was acting like a total bit** when I saw her last. She went from just being mildly stressed about the house stuff to just flat out ignoring and avoiding me all within a few days (This was at the end of January). The last time I saw her, things happened so fast that we never got a chance to talk about anything other than she saying she was stressed because she didn't want to hurt me again. She started going down this same path that we've been down before. As soon as she starts talking like that, the next thing you know she dumps me. That's why I suggested a break...To let things cool off.

 

So in this cooling off stage, I've done nothing more than send her flowers on Valentine's day and sent her a happy birthday text. She didn't respond to either. So that's what I'm living with right now. NC seems like the right answer for many reasons. 1. Why should I want to reach out to someone who doesn't even acknowledge receipt of a gift? 2. Why should I want to reach out to someone who came crawling back in December only to dump on me weeks later in January.

 

I will have to see how I feel in a few weeks. My gut tells me that I'll still be pining and wondering why she hasn't contacted me. I guess I just have to take this one day at a time.

 

The toughest part about all of this is that I told her I didn't want to lose her out of my life again. She said the same back to me. I know with 100% certainty that I meant what I said, but on the flip side, her actions don't quite line up with her words. If she didn't want to lose me, why would she risk it all by not responding? Yeah, it's pretty clear to me. Her interest level has tanked. There is nothing I can do about it. That's what hurts so bad.

  • Author
Posted

Yesterday was horrible. I spent most of the afternoon on LS. I cried in the car on the way home from work. I just felt absolutely wrecked. I decided on the way home from work that I would go for a run. I got home and sat on the couch and cried. I finally mustered up enough energy to get outside and run. I really needed that. I felt a lot better after exercising. I then proceeded to drink some wine and beers. I felt pretty good though. It's like the cloud briefly lifted.

 

I'm still highly conflicted on what to do. I wrote her an email yesterday that I ended up deleting and not sending. I have done that probably a half-dozen times since initiating our break. It's sort of therapuetic for me.

 

Today is a new day and I'm going on vacation for an extended weekend. I hope things start looking up.

Posted

The first couple months are usually the hardest. I can relate to the amount of willpower and strength it takes to exercise when you feel crushed and can't stop obsessing about her. Keep up the good work.

Posted

Exercise is a great way to help cope. In addition to running, are you lifting heavy weights (high intensity, around 10 reps in order to fail if you are a novice)? You might find size and strength gains to be an excellent distraction and the process itself will also improve your mood.

Posted

Just want to say hang in there TTA, things will get better, for sure.

Have a great long weekend!

  • Author
Posted

Thanks guys.

 

No heavy weight lifting, just running. I'm really not into going to the gym too much. I had a membership, but never used it because I like to exercise outside for the most part. I've always thought about getting some free weights for home though.

  • Author
Posted

I'm obsessed with this. I'm going nuts here. I have let my desire for a relationship run my life for almost my entire adulthood. I just feel so lost. NC is the current coping mechanism, but there are so many other things I need to fix about myself. I know I suffer from depression. I saw a psychiatrist and was all drugged up for a period of several months last year. That actually made things worse, unfortunately. I'm now becoming adicted to LS reading everyone's stories. It helps somewhat, but now I find that I'm not getting anything done at work and I know that's going to bite me in the a** sooner than later. I just ranted to my office mate about how my ex has consumed me since the moment I met her in the summer of 2009. It's true. I have thought about her almost literally 24/7 since the day I met her, even through both break ups and obviously this most recent "break." The way I'm acting right now is so utterly unattractive and weak. And do I love myself? No, not right now. I guess I never have. I have truly never felt good enough. I have my moments, like when I complete a huge project at work and the customers are happy. But it's like I need validation in order to be happy. I need results in order to be happy. When she came back this last time, I truly thought that all of the pain and anguish was all worth it. Now I find myself in the same exact spot I was last year.

 

The really cruddy part is four years ago, I quit my job and moved away to get away from a girl who dumped me. I was just as busted up about her as I am now with my current ex. It took me three years to get over her. Previous to that, it took me about 5-6 years to get over my ex from college. There is seriously something wrong with me.

Posted

Sounds like you're a very loyal guy that has trouble dealing with being betrayed by the person you care the most about.

 

My work has been suffering thanks to LS too. Well...I would be staring off in to space thinking about my ex if I wasn't on here anyway. At least this is a good palce for us to vent.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for replying, silvermane. Yep, I certainly have some serious issues coping with the loss of someone I care deeply about. It seems like a pattern, so I must be doing something wrong. I'm glad I have this as an outlet for sure.

Posted

Good morning, trytry, and I hope it's as sunny where you are as it is where I am, because it does help a little.

 

Sounds like this girl has put you through quite a bit of heartache, so it's time for you to take a BIG step back and think about yourself, your needs, your desires, your future, your feelings, and in short, to think about YOU.

 

It does not appear that this girl is the right girl for you. I say this because she does not seem to be of the same mind as you, she's fiercely independent and does not really seem to want support in her life. Maybe she's just too used to being on her own, I don't know, but she seems to push people away when she needs support, rather than accepting it.

 

Do you know this adage that goes along the lines: "A sorrow shared is halved, a joy shared is doubled" -- have you ever seen that? Well, she doesn't sound like she "gets" that sort of thing, that she had you to help her through the stress of buying her house (it would have lightened her burden and stress), instead she chose to push you away. And you seem like the type of person who just loves to share in someone else's joy, and she just doesn't seem like that type of person at all.

 

I'm obsessed with this. I'm going nuts here. I have let my desire for a relationship run my life for almost my entire adulthood. I just feel so lost. NC is the current coping mechanism, but there are so many other things I need to fix about myself. I know I suffer from depression. I saw a psychiatrist and was all drugged up for a period of several months last year. That actually made things worse, unfortunately.
Have you tried psychotherapy (talk therapy) -- no drugs prescribed? It really seems like you'd benefit from therapy right now to talk through your feelings. You need to get some of your priorities in order about the type of girl that's a good match for you, instead of just stumbling into relationships and trying to force fit yourself into another person's personality. Do you get what I mean?

 

You're a sensitive guy. Do you want marriage? Children? Do you want to stay in the area where you live? Could you move? Would you date someone who has children? Do you need someone who is less independent, who knows how to share and care for her partner more? I don't mean you need someone to idolize you, but you might be better with someone who really looks up to you a little more, trusts you, and looks to you for support and friendship, not someone who pushes you away at the first sign of stress. Do you see that, too?

 

I'm now becoming adicted to LS reading everyone's stories. It helps somewhat, but now I find that I'm not getting anything done at work and I know that's going to bite me in the a** sooner than later.
One of the things I used to do when my breakup was really raw was print out a bunch of posts and articles at night (at home), put them in a folder, and take the folder to work with me. This helped me stay OFF the support site during the day at work, but if I needed to read something to help me get by, I'd take some of the printed material and read it here and there during the day. It was almost like having a security blanket with me, and it felt really safe and much better than contacting the website during the day at work, which is very dicey.

 

So maybe consider that. You don't want to put your job at risk and this will help you focus more than you realize. Give it a try. ;)

 

 

The way I'm acting right now is so utterly unattractive and weak. And do I love myself? No, not right now. I guess I never have. I have truly never felt good enough. I have my moments, like when I complete a huge project at work and the customers are happy. But it's like I need validation in order to be happy. I need results in order to be happy.
Most people do not love themselves after a breakup. So not to worry. And many men get validation from their accomplishments at work, so I don't know if that's a big problem, either. A job well done is a very valid reason to be proud of yourself and having work that is rewarding is a rather important part of life, IMHO. I suppose if it's out of hand, that's a problem, but it doesn't really sound that way.

 

When she came back this last time, I truly thought that all of the pain and anguish was all worth it. Now I find myself in the same exact spot I was last year.
History repeats itself with this sort of girl. This is why it is critical for you to stay NC and stop hurting yourself. She's off again, on again, cold then warm then cold then hot, then ... who wants to live like that? Who wants to have a partner that makes them feel like they are in a minefield all the time? That is NO WAY TO LIVE. And who lets someone do that to them? You cannot allow this sort of wishy washy, mean spirited behavior back into your life. She's not worth it, and she's not going to change. Why do you want to be with someone who is capable of that sort of mean treatment toward you? You don't, do you?

 

The really cruddy part is four years ago, I quit my job and moved away to get away from a girl who dumped me. I was just as busted up about her as I am now with my current ex. It took me three years to get over her. Previous to that, it took me about 5-6 years to get over my ex from college. There is seriously something wrong with me.

Okay, then this is all the more reason that therapy might be a good idea for you. You're a very sensitive guy and it takes time to work through a break up. There's no telling if these other girls were treating you poorly and were all eroding your self-esteem, and this was the final straw, or if you "settled" this time for poor treatment because you are getting very worn down by the previous breakups. Either way, it would be of benefit to you to explore what's going on so you can conduct yourself into a really healthy relationship.

 

Now please take care of yourself, you are the most important person right now, okay? Stay NC, consider the door on this relationship CLOSED for good, get yourself into therapy and move forward little by little. If you take the steps necessary to work on some of your own issues, you will feel the confidence growing in yourself, and that will be the best contribution you can make to your future as a person and as a mate to a wonderful girl some day. Take care, and keep in touch with us on LS so we can see how you're doing. :)

  • Author
Posted

Graceful -

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I'm to the point now that I can't do this on my own anymore. I contacted a psychologist this morning and I have an appointment for later this week. I sure hope it helps. This is no way to live.

 

Thank you all for your support.

×
×
  • Create New...