2NoAvail Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 So I'm dating this new guy. He seems really nice and we get along pretty well but it seems like he is trying extra hard to be my boyfriend. I'd say something like I love Chinese food and he would be quick to agree that he loves it too, but then I say just kidding, I can't stand the stuff and he's all like," yeah I hate it too!" and then he keeps telling me how cute I am and how hot I look and that's he is really interested in who I am and wants to do the same thing I do and whatnot. When we go out(so far we've been on 2 dates) and I ask him what he wants to do and he says whatever I wanna do and how he just wants to be with me and that he likes what ever I like. Listen, I don't want go end up dating myself bu that's what it seems like I'm doing. Lastnight(date 2) we were making out and whatnot and he keeps telling me I really like you and what you and only you and I really like you alot and wanna do everything to make you happy, you're so hot, ect, I start wondering if all these are red flags? I then tell him if he really wants to make me happy, he should tell me how much he loves me(I know, that's bad, but I was joking) and as soon as those words come outta my mouth, he just says it... over and over! Is this a lil weird? We just met last Monday and have hung out together twice. When it comes to relationships, I'm pretty cautious and realistic on where it's going and how I feel about the person. I don't know what to do. He seems pretty nice but his eager to please is a bit much. What do you think?
tigressA Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 HUGE red flags. This guy is taking eager-to-please way overboard and then some. If I were you I would make a quick exit. You said you don't want to date yourself and that's exactly what you'll be doing if you continue with this guy.
Author 2NoAvail Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Do you think maybe talking to him about it would help? We are going on date 3 tonight and I was hoping maybe I should say something about it instead of just leaving him with no explanation. I'm a pretty passive and polite person and making someone angry or upset really isn't something I like to do very often.
chop246 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This guy may be psycho be careful.Or he may just say whatever to get in your pants.Cut him off before it's too late.
dispatch3d Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 He's not a bad person, he just has low self esteem. Calm down! Don't pick on the guy because of it haha.
Author 2NoAvail Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 This guy may be psycho be careful.Or he may just say whatever to get in your pants.Cut him off before it's too late. He had plenty of chances to get in my pants durning the makeout session and before the I love you thing, he just wouldn't do it because I refused to take my top or bra off... (I'm uber body conscious) He's not a bad person, he just has low self esteem. Calm down! Don't pick on the guy because of it haha. Do hot guys who are cops have low self esteem? I wouldn't have thought so
carhill Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 OP, have you resolved the issues you shared here?
Celestine Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I would just run away... No, honestly, I'm not the kind of person who likes to get so close so fast, assuming my aim is a serious relationship. I just bail out. But if you like the guy, maybe just try to talk to him about it, otherwise you'll never know. Asking him isn't a sure way to know what's going on with him but you'll get an idea from his reaction. Just do so in a safe place, like not in his apartment or something.
Eeyore79 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 He's a nice, handsome guy with a decent career, he acted like a gentleman and didn't try to get into your pants, and he's apparently crazy about you. I don't really see where the problem is. Sure, he's a bit of a yes-man and lets you make all the decisions, and agrees with you all the time, but he only wants to make you happy. I'd take his declarations of love with a pinch of salt, but otherwise I don't see any serious problems.
Author 2NoAvail Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 OP, have you resolved the issues you shared here? After posting that, I did have 1 relationship following it that lasted almost a year vs the 4-6 months it usually does, but I did have like anxiety/panic attack type things a few times before we did eventually break up. Although I must say, the break up was over him being controlling and isolating me from my friends.
carhill Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 When this guy appears to mimic you, agree with your perspectives, etc, do you feel the old anxiety creeping in? Have you had this happen to you before, what others might term meeting an 'eager to please' man? If so, how is this situation different from or similar to the others? I'd be worried about him lacking (or purporting to lack) sense of self and individuality. What's his relationship history? I'm also a little concerned about your use of the word 'boyfriend' after only two dates. That seems a bit too 'fast' to me. Ask him to plan a date and 'surprise' you. If he asks you what or where, repeat 'surprise me'. See where it goes.
Andy_K Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is what we call a 'nice guy' From his perspective, he's doing everything right. He's being respectful, caring, considerate, putting your needs and feelings above his own, and he just wants you to be his. I am 99% sure he has good intentions and is NOT a player. He simply thinks you're so awesome he's afraid of disagreeing with you on any level, or ceasing to pay attention to you for a moment, in case you dump him for it. The idea that you could think he's not genuine, when he's trying so hard to be nice to you, would shock him like the Dalai Lama opening fire with an Uzi in a supermarket. From your perspective on the other hand, he's clingy and devoid of personality. He's weak-willed and sycophantic, and something about him just feels WRONG. You'll dump him and he'll wonder what on earth he did wrong. If it happens enough he'll start to wonder why women don't like 'nice' guys like him, and always go after the bad boys. When you break up with him, do him the favour of being honest about why.
NoMagicBullet Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Whether you keep seeing him or not, I think you need to talk to him. Let him know how flattered you are by his attention, but make it clear that you need to get to know him for who he is. Let him know that it's okay if he doesn't like all the same things you do or has different opinions from yours -- like you said, you don't want to date yourself! If necessary, tell him that his extreme eagerness to please and agree with you is ruining your getting to know him. Ask him about himself, his interests, etc. If he says he has no hobbies or is vague about even a favorite color, then take that as a serious red flag and be ready to move on.
stepka Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I see that this could go one of two ways: 1. He's crazy about you and doesn't want to do anything that could send you the other way or: 2. He's crazy about the idea of having a girlfriend, and doesn't want to do anything that could send you the other way I'm almost betting on #2 b/c no one falls in love that quickly and I've been out with men who thought I was the most gorgeous woman in the world but their cloying sweetness sent me running for the hills and next week he's telling another woman the exact same thing.
mtber75 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 He's not a bad person, he just has low self esteem. Calm down! Don't pick on the guy because of it haha. He may not have self esteem issues. But he just may be a clinger. If he is, you have to be dominant in the relationship! Just boss him around and he'll still follow you like a puppy...I'm being serious. Some guys like my cousin and best friend like being dominated by their wives:)
OliveOyl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 So I'm dating this new guy. He seems really nice and we get along pretty well but it seems like he is trying extra hard to be my boyfriend. I'd say something like I love Chinese food and he would be quick to agree that he loves it too, but then I say just kidding, I can't stand the stuff and he's all like," yeah I hate it too!" and then he keeps telling me how cute I am and how hot I look and that's he is really interested in who I am and wants to do the same thing I do and whatnot. When we go out(so far we've been on 2 dates) and I ask him what he wants to do and he says whatever I wanna do and how he just wants to be with me and that he likes what ever I like. Listen, I don't want go end up dating myself bu that's what it seems like I'm doing. Lastnight(date 2) we were making out and whatnot and he keeps telling me I really like you and what you and only you and I really like you alot and wanna do everything to make you happy, you're so hot, ect, I start wondering if all these are red flags? I then tell him if he really wants to make me happy, he should tell me how much he loves me(I know, that's bad, but I was joking) and as soon as those words come outta my mouth, he just says it... over and over! Is this a lil weird? We just met last Monday and have hung out together twice. When it comes to relationships, I'm pretty cautious and realistic on where it's going and how I feel about the person. I don't know what to do. He seems pretty nice but his eager to please is a bit much. What do you think? I think it's weird. Not because he's trying to please you so much, but that he is apparently not in touch with what *he* wants or who he is. For example, does he like Chinese food or not? Whether he does or doesn't isn't the issue, but he should be able to express who he is. The thing is... he will be this "pleasing" way for a short while -- but then later on down the road, he will change. He might end up being passive-aggressive which is not pleasant at all.
Author 2NoAvail Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 I see that this could go one of two ways: 1. He's crazy about you and doesn't want to do anything that could send you the other way or: 2. He's crazy about the idea of having a girlfriend, and doesn't want to do anything that could send you the other way I'm almost betting on #2 b/c no one falls in love that quickly and I've been out with men who thought I was the most gorgeous woman in the world but their cloying sweetness sent me running for the hills and next week he's telling another woman the exact same thing. Ok, so it's totally choice number two. I was curious to know if he feeds other girls the same bs and had my sis(whom doesn't look anything like me) email him on the site I met him on. Turns out he says all the same things to her as he did me even to the point of giving her his number in the second email session and setting up a date to go out on tomorrow(her choice, whatever she wants and she hasn't replied back) so much for you and only you right? boys are funny creatures
sugarmomma Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Ok, so it's totally choice number two. I was curious to know if he feeds other girls the same bs and had my sis(whom doesn't look anything like me) email him on the site I met him on. Turns out he says all the same things to her as he did me even to the point of giving her his number in the second email session and setting up a date to go out on tomorrow(her choice, whatever she wants and she hasn't replied back) so much for you and only you right? boys are funny creatures Wow!! Men who come on strong like that are usually full of it. Good you found out sooner rather than later.
ascendotum Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 He's a nice, handsome guy with a decent career, he acted like a gentleman and didn't try to get into your pants, and he's apparently crazy about you. I don't really see where the problem is. Sure, he's a bit of a yes-man and lets you make all the decisions, and agrees with you all the time, but he only wants to make you happy. I'd take his declarations of love with a pinch of salt, but otherwise I don't see any serious problems. I'm inclined to agree with e79. The example you gave of the flip flop on the chinese food is a type of behavior that annoys me when I see it in other people, generally people sucking up. Crafting his personality to liking whatever you like is not good, but it could just be early days over eagerness. I would not have thought this typical personality for a cop. As a guy, having a girl seduce me and tell me how she really likes me alot and wanna do everything to make me happy, you're so hot, etc, would result in me having a smile on face, but this were women think differently and a lot of young guys screw up. Lots of guys would see...being passive, being uber body conscious, daddy issues, bailing with no explanation, anxiety, as red flags. Ultimately you should feel really comfortable and relaxed and really happy to be in the company of a potential new bf. If this behavior makes you uncomfortable and his other qualities don't more than make up for it, then exit, but at least tell him there's no chemistry for you or you are getting back with your ex, rather than just ignore his calls.
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