whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 So, I'm still wondering what he would do if she found out. Would he try to get in touch with me pretty quickly to let me know or would I not hear from him for days, a week, several weeks??? I don't know. Why don't you ask him what would happen if his wife ever finds out? Ask him what he'd do, how he'd treat you and what to expect from him. Would he still let you know immediately? Would he end it or just disappear without saying anything? Have the discussion with him so you aren't in limbo and shell shocked when it does happen.
Jonah Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 And this is just one of the many things I am going to change. Some of these changes could be the end of things, or may serve my purpose of having things the way I like them, but either way, I at least will be less of a nervous wreck not wondering every few hours if she found out! Sure, he will call you more often when you first complain. That will fade back though. Why worry? If his world falls, he will live and so will you. Why change anything? Use the off time to shop for a keeper and just keep him on the side for fun. That may very well be what he wants you to do. And heck, you may just be able to keep him on the side after you do say I do. What would happen if he got found out? That depends on you. Be understanding, give him all the slack he needs and make sure he knows that you have his back. Cover for him, love him. That will score many emotional points and he would grow closer to you and further from her. Lighten up Jane.
Jane Deaux Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 BB, You are absolutely right. It's not a good way to live. I am trying to get in a different mindset. Since there really is no physical thing I can do because... Jonah, I won't demand anything from him. And besides I want to do this on my own. Maybe try not to care as much. Just something I change about me, not ask him to do anything different. Oh and Jonah, I think I am what's shortened to a M/OW. Is that right? And I wouldn't engage a new guy and put him through this on purpose. And I will cover for him. I can't imagine not covering for him if that's what he wanted. He would do the same. WWIU, I did ask something a little less detailed than that in a very short question. I asked him what he would do first of all? He said deny everything. Then I asked what he would do with me. He seemed unable to answer. He just said, "It would be very hard, either way". I didn't press the issue because maybe I couldn't handle the truth or I didn't think he was prepared to answer that fully.
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 WWIU, I did ask something a little less detailed than that in a very short question. I asked him what he would do first of all? He said deny everything. Then I asked what he would do with me. He seemed unable to answer. He just said, "It would be very hard, either way". I didn't press the issue because maybe I couldn't handle the truth or I didn't think he was prepared to answer that fully. Okay, so this means instead of him coming clean and telling his wife "I'm inlove with someone else, I want a divorce" or something along those lines, him denying it more than likely means minimimizing you and throwing you under the bus. (you're crazy, you're the one who chased him, you two are just friends etc..etc..) If he has plans on divorcing wouldn't a Dday be a good time for him to just admit it? Think about that.. it also puts things in perspective for you. And for him. It's an affair. So either accept this as it is or if you want more from him, a future, you need to leave and end it with him. You SHOULD press it. Don't be afraid of a conversation or two. Fact that he thinks you can't handle the truth just shows too where his head is at.
wheelwright Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I have been wondering how many A end when the spouse of the MM or MW are caught or suspected of cheating. Do you they usually get a wake up call and end the affair? Just curious if this is usually the way most affairs end or if it is myth. I thought initially it was all a decision made by xMOM that he wanted to rededicate to his M. Since then I found out he 'snogged' an 18-year-old. He was 45. He knew that couldn't be kept secret. Small town. Then DDay. I think he knew finally that he would be found out come what may, and threw me as his xAP under a big bus to save his skin by confession. During the A he was always paranoid his W would find out, but very particular that if she did it would come from him. And that the time would be right. He did not allow me that luxury, as he forced DDay on me. In short, the betrayal we worked on our spouses he turned to betrayal on me. To his benefit? I don't know.
Jonah Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Oh and Jonah, I think I am what's shortened to a M/OW. Ohhh, yep. I can see why you would sweat it. I have no suggestions for that particular ailment other than stop and hope for the best or... xanex. Jonah, I won't demand anything from him. Not even in bed? Then I asked what he would do with me. He seemed unable to answer. He just said, "It would be very hard, either way". Well Jane, He doesn't know. He gave you the honesty. That is nice, isn't it? You should take that answer as the best possible. Like I said, if it does happen and you are cool about it, it would be hard for him not to come back. And if it took him a few months to return, the reunion would be worth waiting for.
SuzieWong Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 When I knew my former husband was having an affair he promised to be faithful. He broke the promise. It broke my heart. We were such a strong family. We are divorced now. it was not easy to accept that our marriage was broken. A husband does not make this mistake by accident. He jumps the cliff without caring if the marriage shatters.
wheelwright Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 When I knew my former husband was having an affair he promised to be faithful. He broke the promise. It broke my heart. We were such a strong family. We are divorced now. it was not easy to accept that our marriage was broken. A husband does not make this mistake by accident. He jumps the cliff without caring if the marriage shatters. Maybe he wants to point out the cliff is there and real for him. Are you a life partner or a by the wayside moralist? Friends of mine have disagreed with me, and me with them. Friends I have known for 31 years. And still have as friends. The people you love, you don't doubt them in the same way as you might others. And crucially, when you grew to love them, you already knew what they had in them, and it was part of the love. In that other world, with those less soul touching people, you may have been building a life and sharing and having expectations. But it wasn't love. I think part of the point of love is knowing the things another may do, and loving them nonetheless. And equally, love is absent when we see something there which means we didn't. Know I mean.
bentnotbroken Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Maybe he wants to point out the cliff is there and real for him. Are you a life partner or a by the wayside moralist? Friends of mine have disagreed with me, and me with them. Friends I have known for 31 years. And still have as friends. The people you love, you don't doubt them in the same way as you might others. And crucially, when you grew to love them, you already knew what they had in them, and it was part of the love. In that other world, with those less soul touching people, you may have been building a life and sharing and having expectations. But it wasn't love. I think part of the point of love is knowing the things another may do, and loving them nonetheless. And equally, love is absent when we see something there which means we didn't. Know I mean. No.
SuzieWong Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 Maybe he wants to point out the cliff is there and real for him. Are you a life partner or a by the wayside moralist? Friends of mine have disagreed with me, and me with them. Friends I have known for 31 years. And still have as friends. The people you love, you don't doubt them in the same way as you might others. And crucially, when you grew to love them, you already knew what they had in them, and it was part of the love. In that other world, with those less soul touching people, you may have been building a life and sharing and having expectations. But it wasn't love. I think part of the point of love is knowing the things another may do, and loving them nonetheless. And equally, love is absent when we see something there which means we didn't. Know I mean. .Miss Wheelwright, he was my husband. He lied to me. Is that not clear? I now see our marriage wa unsuitable for us we should not have stayed together long as we did. When I found out about his activities, the D Day, was the question. And I was devastated.
wheelwright Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 (edited) .Miss Wheelwright, he was my husband. He lied to me. Is that not clear? I now see our marriage wa unsuitable for us we should not have stayed together long as we did. When I found out about his activities, the D Day, was the question. And I was devastated. People lie. Sometimes the people we love lie. And when we began to love them, we would have probably known what kind of lies they were likely to tell. What we are never prepared for however, is direct evidence that our SO are behaving in ways which mean they probably don't love us. That is painful s**t. And not the sort of thing you can complain about in terms of blaming them. So we focus on the lies as the source of the pain. They do add to the pain. Because a BS has been deceived and this makes them feel a fool. When I have been deceived in this way, I recognised that the lies were inevitable, once the behaviour that showed a lack of love was enacted. I am sorry you felt devastated. I hope you are feeling better. I have seen that As bring a lot of personal and R pain to the surface for BS and WS. On good days, I am hopeful that this can initiate the healing of deep emotional wounds for all concerned, whatever the outcome. On bad days I research psychopaths and passive-aggressives and narcissists and I drink a lot. I obsess about the wrongs done to me and the wrongs I have done. As time goes by, there are more and more good days. Edited March 15, 2011 by wheelwright
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