rainier Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I have been wondering how many A end when the spouse of the MM or MW are caught or suspected of cheating. Do you they usually get a wake up call and end the affair? Just curious if this is usually the way most affairs end or if it is myth.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I think it is a myth that most end the affair. Some do. It is a wake up call. Others it just pushes the affair further underground. What usually happens? Depends on too many variables. Here are a few that I have heard. 1) BS files for divorce 2)WS files for divorce 3)BS begs WS to stay and work on the marriage. 4) WS begs BS to stay and work on the marriage. 5) BS pretends they don't know anything 6)WS gaslights BS and continues to eat large chunks of cake. 7) Both spouses stay for the kids but have no relationship other than parenting. 8) WS gets a can of whoop azz opened (or worse)on them. 9) BS tries to commit suicide. 10)BS tells everyone(including children) and WS is shamed. 11)WS tries to make the BS look like they are crazy. 12)They both decided they love each other and work their azzes off to build a new healthy relationship. Just a few. Pick one.
Rose1977 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I think it is a myth that most end the affair. Some do. It is a wake up call. Others it just pushes the affair further underground. What usually happens? Depends on too many variables. Here are a few that I have heard. 1) BS files for divorce 2)WS files for divorce 3)BS begs WS to stay and work on the marriage. 4) WS begs BS to stay and work on the marriage. 5) BS pretends they don't know anything 6)WS gaslights BS and continues to eat large chunks of cake. 7) Both spouses stay for the kids but have no relationship other than parenting. 8) WS gets a can of whoop azz opened (or worse)on them. 9) BS tries to commit suicide. 10)BS tells everyone(including children) and WS is shamed. 11)WS tries to make the BS look like they are crazy. 12)They both decided they love each other and work their azzes off to build a new healthy relationship. Just a few. Pick one. Thanks Bent I just spit coffee all over my couch laughing. Dday for us involved 4, 8, 9(sadly), 12 and several others you forgot.
Owl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I'd say taht there is a good bit of variance...but I'll give you what I think is pretty much the most common outcome when the H or W finds out. (Please note this is my opinion based off of what I've seen and learned about infidelity by posting here and on other sites, along with reading/researching quite a bit of material...this is only my opinion...other's may vary). Usually the BS (betrayed spouse) begins to suspect something is off in the relationship prior to "d-day" (discovery day). They might suspect an affair, or just sense the emotional/physical distance between them and their spouse. D-day can hit as a result of many different possibilities. They may stumble across 'proof' such as a cell-phone bill, a receipt for a room or gifts that they know that they never got, etc... The WS (wayward spouse) may confess (not common, but happens), someone else may tell the BS for various reasons. There's just all kinds of things that might lead to it. Unless the WS confesses, their normal "first reaction" is to lie, deny, and minimize. "We're just friends, you've got nothing to worry about." Or "How could you possibly accuse me of that...you're crazy!" (gaslighting) Normally this will happen until they're given undeniable PROOF that they're caught. At that point...one of two things generally happen. Either they claim it was a mistake, minimize the affair, and "throw the AP under the bus"...or, they tell their BS that it wasn't a mistake, and intend to keep on conducting the affair. Very rarely do they actually walk out of the marriage immediately at this point. If they choose to continue the affair...they do so under a lot of pressure from the spouse (and often friends and family) to end it. If they choose to reconcile...they're normally expected to end all contact with the AP. Most of the time this doesn't succeed the first time. It often takes several attempts before NC is permanently established. If they opt to reconcile...truthfully its normally a process that can take 2-5 years...if they do everything right. Many marriages simply can't recover, for a variety of reasons. And...it does happen where the WS chooses the relationship with the AP over the marriage. When that happens, it's also a difficult time most times...because there's guilt/remorse/second guessing themselves that often occurs. Often they may leave their spouse, but end up going back. Sometimes this happens repeatedly. I'm not going to post any kind of guesses on how many affairs end up in divorce/new marriage with affair partner/whatever. Just pointing out that these are the most common "scripts" that these dramas tend to play out along.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Thanks Bent I just spit coffee all over my couch laughing. Dday for us involved 4, 8, 9(sadly), 12 and several others you forgot. :oSorry about the coffee. I have learned not to drink anything and read here at the same time. :DFeel free to add. I just got tired of typing. I am lazy today.
Amour7 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Rainier, how is your situation going? It sounds like you are wondering what your MM is going to do. In your earlier thread, it sounded like you have a lot of sorting out to do. If you are waiting for him or his BS to make a decision, can you try to focus on something that YOU can make a decision about?
spice4life Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I think it is a myth that most end the affair. Some do. It is a wake up call. Others it just pushes the affair further underground. What usually happens? Depends on too many variables. Here are a few that I have heard. 1) BS files for divorce 2)WS files for divorce 3)BS begs WS to stay and work on the marriage. 4) WS begs BS to stay and work on the marriage. 5) BS pretends they don't know anything 6)WS gaslights BS and continues to eat large chunks of cake. 7) Both spouses stay for the kids but have no relationship other than parenting. 8) WS gets a can of whoop azz opened (or worse)on them. 9) BS tries to commit suicide. 10)BS tells everyone(including children) and WS is shamed. 11)WS tries to make the BS look like they are crazy. 12)They both decided they love each other and work their azzes off to build a new healthy relationship. Just a few. Pick one. LOL!!! Now that was a good one.
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I have been wondering how many A end when the spouse of the MM or MW are caught or suspected of cheating. Do you they usually get a wake up call and end the affair? Just curious if this is usually the way most affairs end or if it is myth. My bf's wife never suspected because she said on several occasions, no one would ever want him, he wasn't capable of being anything to anyone else and he could never manage to exist without her. He had to inform her, and it took more than one attempt because she refused to fully believe what he wad telling her.
Spark1111 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I think it is a myth that most end the affair. Some do. It is a wake up call. Others it just pushes the affair further underground. What usually happens? Depends on too many variables. Here are a few that I have heard. 1) BS files for divorce 2)WS files for divorce 3)BS begs WS to stay and work on the marriage. 4) WS begs BS to stay and work on the marriage. 5) BS pretends they don't know anything 6)WS gaslights BS and continues to eat large chunks of cake. 7) Both spouses stay for the kids but have no relationship other than parenting. 8) WS gets a can of whoop azz opened (or worse)on them. 9) BS tries to commit suicide. 10)BS tells everyone(including children) and WS is shamed. 11)WS tries to make the BS look like they are crazy. 12)They both decided they love each other and work their azzes off to build a new healthy relationship. Just a few. Pick one. DDAY aftermath in a nutshell. Perfect!
Spark1111 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I'd say taht there is a good bit of variance...but I'll give you what I think is pretty much the most common outcome when the H or W finds out. (Please note this is my opinion based off of what I've seen and learned about infidelity by posting here and on other sites, along with reading/researching quite a bit of material...this is only my opinion...other's may vary). Usually the BS (betrayed spouse) begins to suspect something is off in the relationship prior to "d-day" (discovery day). They might suspect an affair, or just sense the emotional/physical distance between them and their spouse. D-day can hit as a result of many different possibilities. They may stumble across 'proof' such as a cell-phone bill, a receipt for a room or gifts that they know that they never got, etc... The WS (wayward spouse) may confess (not common, but happens), someone else may tell the BS for various reasons. There's just all kinds of things that might lead to it. Unless the WS confesses, their normal "first reaction" is to lie, deny, and minimize. "We're just friends, you've got nothing to worry about." Or "How could you possibly accuse me of that...you're crazy!" (gaslighting) Normally this will happen until they're given undeniable PROOF that they're caught. At that point...one of two things generally happen. Either they claim it was a mistake, minimize the affair, and "throw the AP under the bus"...or, they tell their BS that it wasn't a mistake, and intend to keep on conducting the affair. Very rarely do they actually walk out of the marriage immediately at this point. If they choose to continue the affair...they do so under a lot of pressure from the spouse (and often friends and family) to end it. If they choose to reconcile...they're normally expected to end all contact with the AP. Most of the time this doesn't succeed the first time. It often takes several attempts before NC is permanently established. If they opt to reconcile...truthfully its normally a process that can take 2-5 years...if they do everything right. Many marriages simply can't recover, for a variety of reasons. And...it does happen where the WS chooses the relationship with the AP over the marriage. When that happens, it's also a difficult time most times...because there's guilt/remorse/second guessing themselves that often occurs. Often they may leave their spouse, but end up going back. Sometimes this happens repeatedly. I'm not going to post any kind of guesses on how many affairs end up in divorce/new marriage with affair partner/whatever. Just pointing out that these are the most common "scripts" that these dramas tend to play out along. Yes Owl! This is the perfect "rough" draft of what happens. And MOST affairs are NOT confessed to, as Owl points out. They are accidentally discovered. And it is a shattering experience. And then all hell breaks loose and rains down on all the player's heads.
spice4life Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 My bf's wife never suspected because she said on several occasions, no one would ever want him, he wasn't capable of being anything to anyone else and he could never manage to exist without her. He had to inform her, and it took more than one attempt because she refused to fully believe what he wad telling her. When you say "bf" are you referring to your boyfriend or best friend? Wow...is he still married to her? If they are, did she change her tune and start appreciating him and begin to treat him like a human being? I could never EVER stayed married to a person who thought that way about me. Unbelievable...just wow.
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 When you say "bf" are you referring to your boyfriend or best friend? Wow...is he still married to her? If they are, did she change her tune and start appreciating him and begin to treat him like a human being? I could never EVER stayed married to a person who thought that way about me. Unbelievable...just wow. He's married to her currently but separated and with me. It took him a long time to realise how wrong that situation was. I suspect that part of his journey isn't over but he is so much happier and confident and more comfortable in his skin. He used to say 'she doesn't mean it maliciously' but after a while he stopped defending the comments.
seren Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 My H told me about the A, must admit this was the better (is there a better) outcome, had I found out or if someone else had told me I think I might have lost the plot.
Silly_Girl Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 My H told me about the A, must admit this was the better (is there a better) outcome, had I found out or if someone else had told me I think I might have lost the plot. I agree with that strongly Seren. I think in some cases it's a real indication of the commitment and motivation. Most folks will be apologetic and remorseful if they're caught with their hand in the cookie jar, but not all will mean it. I think addressing it is the 'best' way.
myname Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 What happened in my situation when the wife found out is there was a great lot of drama. She got understandably very upset and incredibly angry, and threatened to chuck him out of the house, get a divorce, contact our workplace, she also phoned me but put the phone down as soon as I answered, he was freaking out and wanting my support. They had nasty rows for a while and then both went back to burying their heads in the sand. He had to make it up to her and stop all contact with me, which he didn't do, he pretended to but just really let things settle down and carried on with me till the next time. I sound bitter these days about it, and I guess I am bitter. Cross with myself for allowing it to continue the way I did for so long. She found out many times, it was always the same cycle. Threats, demands, freak outs, phone calls... and then back to everyday life after the storm had passed. I've now refused to see him since the last time, over two months ago, when I just couldn't take that drama anymore and my involvement in it. Last week they had another cycle of the rows etc which for once weren't based on finding out anything new about me, I sometimes wonder if this is just their way of relating to each other and always was even before he was involved in an affair. He's still contacting me, and would still pick up the affair if I allowed it.
Author rainier Posted March 13, 2011 Author Posted March 13, 2011 Thanks for all the replies and Armour, your post. I feel like I have lost myself in having any control of the situation. This is probably because I have never called his bluff on letting him go. This week he is very busy at work and says that I stress him out trying to see him when he is busy and after his wife was suspicious last week uncovering a note I had written. Once again he says he does not feel like being physical, guilty and but yet, continues to see me. How do you gain your self respect back and see it for what it is? You all talk of the fog and that exactly what it is. I use to be a strong willed independent person who would eventually snap out of this. The roller coaster is an emotional meltdown. I am trying to refocus back on me and my marriage and get through the moments to moments. thanks
OWoman Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 When you say "bf" are you referring to your boyfriend or best friend? Wow...is he still married to her? If they are, did she change her tune and start appreciating him and begin to treat him like a human being? I could never EVER stayed married to a person who thought that way about me. Unbelievable...just wow. My H's xW said the exact same things to him - even at the point where he told her he was leaving.
OWoman Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 My H told me about the A, must admit this was the better (is there a better) outcome, had I found out or if someone else had told me I think I might have lost the plot. I think the WS tells when they have reached a point of resolution - either to end the M, or to end the A. The WS who waits to be caught out has not yet taken ownership of their actions and is not yet ready to face the consequences in a mature way - whether their desired outcome is to reconcile the M or to take the A into a FTR or to walk away from both. I have never been in that position, but I would imagine it is easier to recover (or reinvent) a M where the WS has "confessed" to the BS, than in a situation where the WS has been "found out", for that reason. The WS is ready to face the music and move on, whichever way it is.
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I think the WS tells when they have reached a point of resolution Of course they do. Because they got their cake and ate it so they're full. Doesn't mean their BS will reach a point of conclusion with them.
Jonah Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 This is one thing that can happen: I lived one situation in which my SO tried to "get my attention"... it was like water off a duck and I thought I was free! Woo Hoo! But then we went on a few more fun dates and one romantic evening she asked what she should do. I thought it over and told her that maybe it would be best if she went with the other guy..., which was of course the WRONG ANSWER! I smartly apologized and bought her flowers. Us men have it tough.
Jane Deaux Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I'm always thinking my MM wife may have found out. He will go for longer periods of time without contacting me than I personally like. Of course I start thinking the worst and thinking she must have found out and he is denying it and can't contact me out of fear of being found out or some other drastic thing. Every time I am wrong and I am beginning to realize that he just is OK with not contacting me till he feels like it or isn't busy or whatever. So, I'm still wondering what he would do if she found out. Would he try to get in touch with me pretty quickly to let me know or would I not hear from him for days, a week, several weeks??? I don't know.
blissfullyoblivious Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 I'm always thinking my MM wife may have found out. He will go for longer periods of time without contacting me than I personally like. Of course I start thinking the worst and thinking she must have found out and he is denying it and can't contact me out of fear of being found out or some other drastic thing. Every time I am wrong and I am beginning to realize that he just is OK with not contacting me till he feels like it or isn't busy or whatever. So, I'm still wondering what he would do if she found out. Would he try to get in touch with me pretty quickly to let me know or would I not hear from him for days, a week, several weeks??? I don't know. If this does not work for you change it. You do not exist to be at his beck and call. If he can treat you like this and you accept it things can only go downhill. You have the power here not him. You give your precious time to him not the other way round.
Jane Deaux Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 (edited) If this does not work for you change it. You do not exist to be at his beck and call. If he can treat you like this and you accept it things can only go downhill. You have the power here not him. You give your precious time to him not the other way round. And this is just one of the many things I am going to change. Some of these changes could be the end of things, or may serve my purpose of having things the way I like them, but either way, I at least will be less of a nervous wreck not wondering every few hours if she found out! Edited March 14, 2011 by Jane Deaux
BB07 Posted March 14, 2011 Posted March 14, 2011 And this is just one of the many things I am going to change. Some of these changes could be the end of things, or may serve my purpose of having things the way I like them, but either way, I at least will be less of a nervous wreck not wondering every few hours if she found out! Jane, that is NOT a good way to live your life, always stressed out because you are waiting on someone else and they are calling the shots. It's just too damn hard and life is hard enough without that crap. I did it once for a little while...........never, never, ever again!
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