Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Yes, this I know. I am on anti-depressants. The poster said both their libidos are probably dead...seems more like a "hope" than a fact. Might be based on something she knows that the post didn't really call on for her to share. Or maybe it's a 'hope'.
Author East7 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Owl and Flabbergaster, thanks for your inputs. Lots of OM/OW naively think that sex stops while the A is in progress which is obviously an illusion or a lie that they are told from MM/MW not to be hurt. IME it was the most hurtful and humiliating element of the A. I think us men, are more concerned about the physical "ownership" than the emotionnal one. It was like almost I didn't care if she lived with her H, as long as he didn't touch her (I know sound illogical).
Author East7 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 They have that effect sometimes, yes. This is off-topic but anti-depressants are known to enhance the libido instead not to kill it.
Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is off-topic but anti-depressants are known to enhance the libido instead not to kill it. Where did you read that?
Owl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Owl and Flabbergaster, thanks for your inputs. Lots of OM/OW naively think that sex stops while the A is in progress which is obviously an illusion or a lie that they are told from MM/MW not to be hurt. IME it was the most hurtful and humiliating element of the A. I think us men, are more concerned about the physical "ownership" than the emotionnal one. It was like almost I didn't care if she lived with her H, as long as he didn't touch her (I know sound illogical). Nope...makes a ton of sense to me. And I don't think it's just men that feel this way, since we see tons of posts here on LS from OW who are insistent that nothing physical is going on between MM and his wife at home. Reality is...there's no way to know unless you're there. And realistically most people are going to "tell you what you want to hear" if it will get them what they want. Even if they mean well, even if they love you...they very well may lie to you to spare your feelings and still allow the relationship to progress along the lines they want. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen where everything ends in the marriage...I'm just saying that it's not that common. I believe that the "state of the marriage" is exaggerated by the MM/MW to some extent...even in their OWN minds...to justify to themselves and to the OW/OM the affair itself. Again...my opinion. I'm not saying this is anyone else's reality.
trinity1 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is off-topic but anti-depressants are known to enhance the libido instead not to kill it. Huh, and here I am having avoided them all my life because of their libido lowering side effect. Sorry, you're wrong.
OWoman Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is off-topic but anti-depressants are known to enhance the libido instead not to kill it. Really? Known to who? Not to medical science... "My libido is down and I've recently started taking Prozac. Are the two related?" Yes, decreased libido or sex drive is a very common side effect of this popular drug. In fact, 11% of patients, both male and female, reported this symptom. There are several other side effects in women as well. You might consider switching to Zoloft. It has a lower side effect profile, overall. Although it does still have the problems with decreased libido, it is possible to get around this with Zoloft. Because it stays in the body a shorter amount of time it is possible to take a "drug holiday." If you discontinue the drug for a weekend (2-4 days), your normal sex drive and response will return, quickly. The drug can be resumed after short periods without a loss of clinical effectiveness. Prozac, generically known as fluoxetine, is the world's most widely prescribed anti-depressant; currently, more than 54 million people all over the globe use this medication to treat depression, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and bulimia nervosa. Fluoxetine works by normalizing the levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin in the brain. This provides freedom from constant negative thoughts, sadness, suicidal thoughts, low energy, negative self-image, pervasive thoughts of needing to perform a specific act, and overwhelming feelings of dread and fear. Contrary to what you've heard, fluoxetine does not increase libido. Actually, it usually reduces sexual desire or drive and inhibits orgasm, or the reflex of a sexual release; as a result, some men use fluoxetine recreationally to delay ejaculation. Prozac can affect each person's libido differently, ranging from significant and noticeable change to no change at all. However the general trend is that rather than sparking spontaneous sexual escapades, Prozac has been associated with a decreased libido, difficulty in reaching orgasm, and for some men, difficulty maintaining erections. Between feast and famine, the leaning would be toward famine. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), the class of drugs to which Prozac belongs, often do cause sexual complications
Jane Deaux Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 that we are very honest (even though some of you don't think this is possible) with each other. If it is said then it is true. I think this is the reason this isn't really talked about between the two of us. It's like an unspoken agreement that we both know it's happening with the other and we just aren't going to say anything else about. I did bring it up one small way the other day. I told him that I almost said his name, which would have been bad. He wanted me to explain and I told him that all I would say was that "I close my eyes and pretend that it's you". He knew what I meant and didn't ask further. He brought it up as recently as well by stating how he imagines how I deal with it. I didn't agree or disagree, although he is right about what he imagines. So In my experience, it has not heated it up at MY house, but I still wouldn't know without asking him. And like I said, I think I know the answer but I don't want it confirmed.
ladydesigner Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I have read in some websites explaining the A dynamics, that the A itself while rising the MP sex-drive may lead the MP to more sex with their spouse. This is an unwanted side-effect for the APs. While MPs in general claim no sex with their BS during the A, the odds are they may have more sporadic and "mechanical" sex with their BS. I say "mechanical" because they may still be 100% emotionally attached with the AP and have the BS available to relieve their sexual needs. (The AP is not always available) Some of them confess they imagine "it is the AP" while having sex with the BS. IMO things may differ if the MP is a MM or a MW. IMO women are more exclusive in sex, I think MW stop having sex or limit it while having an A. On the other side MM might enjoy the variety. I was still having sex with my H during the duration of the A with XOM. The only part that started to bother me was kissing with my H (as my emotional connection was with OM at the time). I guess as the A progressed and my emotions grew then sex with H started to become mechanical to keep the peace. I do have to add that sex with XOM for me was a complete letdown, almost a dealbreaker, as sex with H was better. I remember thinking there is no way I can end my M to be with OM. The sex life with XOM would have killed it for me. He was a complete dud. That's when I knew I wasn't ending my M and the fog started to lift.
Flabbergaster Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I do have to add that sex with XOM for me was a complete letdown, almost a dealbreaker, Consider yourself lucky!! I'm jealous! For me, xOW was in the top three, probably number one. I was number one for her. This doesn't help recovery from the A, because the glands really want her back. The sex wasn't everything...it does make recovery that much harder since it was great. t's like an unspoken agreement that we both know it's happening with the other and we just aren't going to say anything else about. Pretty much the path we took. Major honesty to questions that we asked each other, so this was a topic that wasn't brought up much out of fear that it would be painful. Funny thing...I didn't tell her how little intimacy there was with W, because I thought it would keep her heart in the A even longer. I know she used visions of me with W to get herself mad enough to back off (good for her, bad for me). Lots of OM/OW naively think that sex stops while the A is in progress which is obviously an illusion or a lie that they are told from MM/MW not to be hurt. IME it was the most hurtful and humiliating element of the A. I think us men, are more concerned about the physical "ownership" than the emotionnal one. It was like almost I didn't care if she lived with her H, as long as he didn't touch her (I know sound illogical). I think that's how most men would feel, because of the ownership aspect. I saw a recent poll that ~60% of men would dump their woman for cheating w/ another man; only 30% would dump her for cheating w/ a woman. For me...thinking of her w/ him never really bothered me. I was never really jealous of that. When they moved in I was jealous of the time they had together, not the sex. Readers I am NOT the typical male response, East7 shows what to expect. I'm probably the least jealous male I know.
sally4sara Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 It had the effect that my ex husband wanted more sex from me, but I was disappointed because I kept hoping one of the chickies he was sniffing after would be interesting enough to keep him. It sucks when they're on the lease and you can't make them stay away. Eventually, the timing lined up. The lease was ending and I let him know I wouldn't sign another with him when he started talking about trying to work things out between us. He moved back in against my wishes thinking he could wear me down but I found another place without him and left within two weeks. By the time I was settled in, that fling was over and he was all hang dog about his "the biggest mistake in life". OH WELL, not my problem.
Author East7 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 I told him that all I would say was that "I close my eyes and pretend that it's you". He knew what I meant and didn't ask further. I had the same line once...she was the one to confess, I didn't ask. But I can tell for sure she was feeling really guilty to hurt me. While I appreciated her honesty, it didn't make it less painful. I was badly pissed off which resulted in a 3 weeks break.
SidLyon Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) removed - I see the discussion got more heated after the early posts Edited March 11, 2011 by SidLyon
Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I have read in some websites explaining the A dynamics, that the A itself while rising the MP sex-drive may lead the MP to more sex with their spouse. This is an unwanted side-effect for the APs. While MPs in general claim no sex with their BS during the A, the odds are they may have more sporadic and "mechanical" sex with their BS. I say "mechanical" because they may still be 100% emotionally attached with the AP and have the BS available to relieve their sexual needs. (The AP is not always available) Some of them confess they imagine "it is the AP" while having sex with the BS. IMO things may differ if the MP is a MM or a MW. IMO women are more exclusive in sex, I think MW stop having sex or limit it while having an A. On the other side MM might enjoy the variety. During the affair, we had sex at least twice a week..... He told her we NEVER had sex.... She convinced him I must have a boyfriend.... He believed her! At that point, he did become more mechanical but I believe it was because he thought I had a boyfriend! At DDAY, I threw him out. We had a serious trauma with one of our children and met at the house. One thing led to another....and it was great sex! He then went back to her house. He showered before he did so. Did that make me the OW? We could never keep our hands off each other, no matter what he told her. The issues were emotional for him, and they were his alone!
Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Nope...makes a ton of sense to me. And I don't think it's just men that feel this way, since we see tons of posts here on LS from OW who are insistent that nothing physical is going on between MM and his wife at home. Reality is...there's no way to know unless you're there. And realistically most people are going to "tell you what you want to hear" if it will get them what they want. Even if they mean well, even if they love you...they very well may lie to you to spare your feelings and still allow the relationship to progress along the lines they want. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen where everything ends in the marriage...I'm just saying that it's not that common. I believe that the "state of the marriage" is exaggerated by the MM/MW to some extent...even in their OWN minds...to justify to themselves and to the OW/OM the affair itself. Again...my opinion. I'm not saying this is anyone else's reality. I'm aware of enough to satisfy myself. I'm sure you don't accuse your wife of lying about what goes on when you're at work and she's at work just because she was once able to lie to you. Why take it at face value? Because over time you've learnt to trust and there have been enough instances, over and over, and enough consistency, that you believe. Just because many married people lie about their home life doesn't mean we all do it. I find it sad how closed-minded people and ignorant (certainly not directing at you Owl) people are happy to choose to be.
Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 At DDAY, I threw him out. We had a serious trauma with one of our children and met at the house. One thing led to another....and it was great sex! That's tragic, that it needed something terrible to happen...
Silly_Girl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 So funny that all married people having an A 'lie' about not having sex, yet periodically there's yet another man/woman on the marriage board whose spouse won't touch them ever, or vice versa. Where's the cries of 'liar!' then?!
seren Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (edited) No the A did not spice up our sexual life, nor diminish the intimacy, which IMO is far more important. Not all marriages have 'lie back and think of (insert country)' not even during an A. I can understand sex taking a back seat if the AP is in love and can think of few things uckier than having to imagine someone else was making love to me to make it - if it has got to that stage then surely it is time to be packing the bags and leaving. To add, OWoman is spot on with her quotes, anti depressants are well known to lower the libido, posisbly not quite as much as monotomy, taking for grantedness, kids in the next room or knackerdness, but it is in the list and is chemical, the others of course are often par for the course in some marriages, thankfully not mine. Edited March 12, 2011 by seren
Mrs. Jones Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 At the beginning, when it was a PA, my libido was turned up in general and there was a bit more with W. Meds she was on were turning her libido down, and there was the whole "seriously flawed R" effect which was a turn off for both. So at the beginning there was not much change. As the A became EA and then very strong, intimacy with the W dropped from sparse to almost nonexistent. In one night OW and I would be intimate more than W and I would be in 6 months. (who thinks this will be the target of the first snarky comment?) One could say I took care of business 'on my own' a bit more regularly, during the A. The OW...now this is interesting. She became quite intimate with her BF as things progressed with us. They didn't see each other often, their use of time changed to be more physical. I heard the "i pretend it's you" line from her, and she made it clear that some of it was "mechanical action" as well. There were times when it was clear through her choice of words that she enjoyed the spice of two lovers. I'm not saying this was either good or bad, I'm just sharing both sides of the story to answer the OP. There's a bit of sniping in this thread. I'll respond to clarification q's relevant to the OP's question. I'm not going to bother responding to a snipe. Your post interested me Flabbergaster. I always wondered what the MM/OM was feeling while in the A. You’ll get no snarkiness from me. I have to say my xMM and I admitted to taking matters in our own hands as our desires became elevated and we wanted more frequency, though not necessarily with our partners. There was a lot of fantasy and I ended up buying toys. Lol. My xMM also claimed he would have more activity in a week with me than he had with his W within 6 months or more. Me…yes, I would imagine my xMM when I was with physical with my H. I made sure he was behind me so I could not see him. Unlike your OW, I did not want my H like I wanted my xMM. I wished to be just with xMM. With eachother, my xMM and I both admitted to having some of the best “s3x” we’ve ever had, and I have had many experiences. We were so uninhibited. I miss it.
Mrs. Jones Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Which is disgusting that the cheater brings home sloppy seconds. The cheaters act off the sex they got from their OM/OW. Meaning they like screwing over their BS. It excites them to see their BS doesn't know they've been cheating on them. I never acted off anything my xMM gave me. My H has not come close to giving me the experiences my xMM had, and to be honest, I never thought about my H when I was in the throws of passion...nor on my way home.
SidLyon Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 So funny that all married people having an A 'lie' about not having sex, yet periodically there's yet another man/woman on the marriage board whose spouse won't touch them ever, or vice versa. Where's the cries of 'liar!' then?! There's nothing about this that warrants the use of the words "so funny" or the "big grin". I'm sure it's not all of them, but I think a fair proportion of MM lie to OW about sex within the marriage. Obviously there are also completely sexless marriages too and it stands to reason that some may be having As. I was in a marriage and I know what was happening in the sex department in the marriage. I also know what he was telling OW about it because I read the e-mails to OW. He was definitely lying to OW as well as to me. Even now I don't claim to know everything about the sex between them during the A.
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 She had rejected him for so many years that her late attempts to find some sort of spark were unwelcome. This is so, and a hurtful situation that. (I know) But like a classic car stored for years... it may take some doing, but if she can be restored, she will be of far greater value once she is running again.
BB07 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Guess I'll pipe in here. During the time I was knowingly in the affair, we were not having sex and we did not discuss his sex life. During the time I thought I was dating a separated man, he and I had sex quite often when we were together but our time was limited, usually one or two nights a week. Later in conversations with the BS she asked me about it and she told me that they didn't have as much sex as she wanted and he didn't seem to be interested. She also asked me if I thought he was a selfish lover. I should mention that what brought about d-day for them (that I was unaware of until later) was the drugstore phoned their home and left a message that his Viagra couldn't be refilled because he was already past his quota that insurance would pay for, for that month. I didn't even know that he used Viagra! :eek: Sure was a whole lotta stuff I didn't know.
Jane Deaux Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Consider yourself lucky!! I'm jealous! For me, xOW was in the top three, probably number one. I was number one for her. This doesn't help recovery from the A, because the glands really want her back. The sex wasn't everything...it does make recovery that much harder since it was great. Pretty much the path we took. Major honesty to questions that we asked each other, so this was a topic that wasn't brought up much out of fear that it would be painful. Funny thing...I didn't tell her how little intimacy there was with W, because I thought it would keep her heart in the A even longer. I know she used visions of me with W to get herself mad enough to back off (good for her, bad for me). Flabbergaster, I've really been appreciating your input. The things you say are almost spot on what my MM says to me. And the insight you give is a huge help for me. (and since I actually like most of what you say and it leads me to see the good in mine and my MM A, others will prob somehow disagree that its a "help" ) But please, Keep Posting!
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 This is so, and a hurtful situation that. (I know) But like a classic car stored for years... it may take some doing, but if she can be restored, she will be of far greater value once she is running again. There is no 'restoration' of something that never, ever existed...
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