My guy can't communicate...

[D-Lish]

...And it's affecting my ability to really connect with him:(

 

Everything is great for the most part. He's wonderful, thoughtful, caring, attentive... But when it comes to talking about anything serious (like issues)- he just clams up. He literally goes into "deer caught in the headlights" mode.

 

We can laugh and be silly with one another- our humour is on the same level- and I love that about him.

 

About a month ago I found out I was pregnant. I'd been putting on weight, my breasts had become sore and HUGE- but I chalked it up to hormones. I am 41, and my periods have been sporadic lately- I've actually thought I'd been appropaching menopause. I'd has some bleeding, and I just thought I'd had a period- but I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, then my DR. confirmed it a month ago. I went through the process, had an ultrasound and it turned out I was actually 11 weeks when I found out. We'd been using condoms, but there was ONE incident where it broke...

 

I ended up having a miscarriage a week ago- not surprising given my age:o.

 

Everything about this situation was traumatic for me. I'd given up my hopes of having kids LONG ago. When I married my exH, he was adamant that he didn't want children, so I gave up that hope when I married him. Then he went along to have an affair, get another woman pregnant from that affair- and he's now married with 3 kids with that same woman. I have a lot of unresolved issues about that.

 

Throughout this whole situation, I haven't been able to talk to my bf. Not that he hasn't been supportive- he has been, he's supportive with actions (which is great), but not quite enough given the weight of the situation.

 

We literally didn't talk about it beyond confirming what was what. If I did bring it up, he'd look startled. He's just not good at communicating. What it came down to is that he voiced that he didn't want to have children, but if I wanted to go through with it, he'd support me in any and all ways. That's as far as we got in terms of being able to speak about it.

 

I was in the process of weighing options, sort of leaning toward keeping the baby, but I also felt lost in my decision, because I had no input from him beyond a few fleeting conversations that I prompted.

 

I did blow up at him at one point and suggest we break up because I was so angry that he couldn't just talk to me- ask me how I was feeling, just even BRING IT UP, or respond to me when I did.

 

What he did do, was dote on me. I'd wake up in the morning and find a coffee waiting for me, he'd made breakfast, cleaned my car- and even took my car in for an oil change one morning when I slept late. I know that was his way of showing me he loved me. Don't get me wrong, I really did/do appreciate those things.

 

It's just that I haven't had anyone to talk to- I told no one. I really needed to talk to him, and he just wasn't capable of being there for me in that particular capacity.

 

On the day I had the miscarriage, he left work early, came over, took me to the dr, and just doted on me. He brought groceries, a movie, and while I slept, he went and put gas in my car- and he held my hand while I cried. He just didn't talk much.

 

I appreciate what I have in him- he's a really good guy, but I need a little more talking in my relationship. I told him on more than a few occasions during really frustrating emotional moments that I needed more dialogue- and his response was to amp up the doting.

 

I know this man loves me- he does tell me that everyday, all day. I'm just worried that he'll never be able to provide me with the emotional support I need. It's only been 4 months.

 

I want to make things work, but a part of me has resentment that he hasn't been able to talk to me when I really needed that form of support. Another part of me feels like I am being selfish, and I should appreciate that he showed his support through actions.

 

I have so many unresolved thoughts going through my head after what has happened. I have no doubt that he loves me, but it's been horrible not being able to talk about it with him. I feel guilty for complaining, and I'm trying to put it into perspective and appreciate that I'm not dating an a-hole that took off on me at the first sign of trouble.

 

It's wonderful to get along with someone so well, have no doubts that they love me. Should I just appreciate that he is what he is, and focus on the fact that he's giving me all he can?

 

I don't know what to do. I just need to talk.

[threebyfate]

I read your post three times and each time, found myself stuck for words. So much to take in and not much I can say to make it better. And that's what I want to do, make it better. ((hugs))

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's beyond heartbreaking. No wonder you needed someone to talk to throughout this.

 

As far as your b/f is concerned, also not sure what to say since he tries so hard and obviously loves you.

 

The only thing I might suggest is to hold off on making any hard decisions for the next month or so, until things calm down. Your body, mind and heart have all taken a beating so during this month, post more about how you're feeling so you have somewhere to vent and also somewhere to get input.

[TouchedByViolet]

Generally men are not very good verbal communicators. Especially when it comes to major emotional issues. Using words and discussing feelings to deal with problems can feel foreign to us. When a guy sees a problem he tries to solve it. The idea of just talking about it is baffling to the male mind. Also, as a guy I know I would feel a little scared of saying the wrong thing, hurting your feelings, or damaging the relationship by simply opening my mouth. It's definitely like the deer in the headlights reaction. We feel shocked and speechless. Hugs and loving actions are all that make sense to us.

 

Sounds like during your difficult days your bf did all he knew how to do.

 

To get him to communicate more, try asking him open ended questions that have no wrong or right answer. As a guy I know I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. Maybe reassure him just discussing and talking makes you feel better.

 

Your bf sounds like a great guy, and one of the good things you got going. The world is imperfect and so are all of us. Don't throw away something good because of this.

[Eddie Edirol]

He knows what he is doing. he ups the doting so he doesnt have to hear you vent. Im sorry but venting to a guy that has no interest in listening is just torture. It sucks to have to deal with a conversation that you cant participate in. So to avoid the venting he clams up, deliberately.

 

I think you should take the doting, and go find someone else to vent to. he will be a great man as long as you can find a different outlet. As much as you want to vent to him, its a slippery slope that only gets worse and he knows he doesnt have the patience for it. At least thats my take on it. I also think that you should try venting to someone else before deciding that he isnt emotionally supportive to you. If no one else you know wants to hear it, why torture him?

[Cracker Jack]

Sorry about that unfortunate experience, D-Lish. I'm confident you'll be 100% back to normal in no time.

 

Glad you realize you have a good man on your hands. I'm hoping he opens the dialogue up for you more often. I think he did the best he could considering the situation--but it's also possible that he's just not good when it comes to verbally expressing himself.

[D-Lish]

I read your post three times and each time, found myself stuck for words. So much to take in and not much I can say to make it better. And that's what I want to do, make it better. ((hugs))

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's beyond heartbreaking. No wonder you needed someone to talk to throughout this.

 

As far as your b/f is concerned, also not sure what to say since he tries so hard and obviously loves you.

 

The only thing I might suggest is to hold off on making any hard decisions for the next month or so, until things calm down. Your body, mind and heart have all taken a beating so during this month, post more about how you're feeling so you have somewhere to vent and also somewhere to get input.

 

Thanks Tbf.

 

I keep replaying my ideal initial response in my head, and that ideal response would have gone like this:

 

"hey, I love you, let's do it".

 

But at 4 months, that's a lot to have asked of him, I realize that.

 

Then I went through the process of just wishing none of it had ever happened, and when I had the miscarriage, I felt soooo guilty that I ever even wished the situation away.

 

I woke up at some point during that night and he was awake, sitting up in bed- and he put his hand on me. I mean, what else could I ask for- he was worried about me, and he was watching over me while I slept. I'm trying to transfer all my doubts and hope into moments like that.

 

Not all men are good at talking, and I do feel such a sense of comfort when he's around mostly. I don't know if I am expecting too much out of someone that's already giving me everything he is capable of giving. Maybe I should just appreciate what I have and compensate in other ways, learn to adapt?

[tigressA]

I read your post three times and each time, found myself stuck for words. So much to take in and not much I can say to make it better. And that's what I want to do, make it better. ((hugs))

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's beyond heartbreaking. No wonder you needed someone to talk to throughout this.

 

As far as your b/f is concerned, also not sure what to say since he tries so hard and obviously loves you.

 

The only thing I might suggest is to hold off on making any hard decisions for the next month or so, until things calm down. Your body, mind and heart have all taken a beating so during this month, post more about how you're feeling so you have somewhere to vent and also somewhere to get input.

 

I second all of this. Ultimately, you should take your time to heal before making any major decisions. ((Big hugs))

 

I would be going crazy not being able to talk to my own SO about something like this, so I can understand how you feel in that regard. There are other outlets, yes--but the thing here is that your BF had a hand in the making of the pregnancy. It takes two. The fact that it directly involves and affects him and he won't talk about it is even more devastating than if it were a friend or family member, IMO.

 

On the other hand, Violet has a good point in that some men are really afraid of saying the wrong thing. That fear would be magnified a hundred-fold in this type of situation.

[2sunny]

no need to decide while the hormones are re-adjusting...

 

i'll take a man that is all actions and few words any day over a man that's all words and no action.

 

have you suggested you both read the five love languages together? that could help to open his eyes a bit - and for you to understand him a bit better too...

[threebyfate]

Thanks Tbf.

 

I keep replaying my ideal initial response in my head, and that ideal response would have gone like this:

 

"hey, I love you, let's do it".

 

But at 4 months, that's a lot to have asked of him, I realize that.

Yes. I completely understand this reaction. ((hugs))

 

Then I went through the process of just wishing none of it had ever happened, and when I had the miscarriage, I felt soooo guilty that I ever even wished the situation away.

No guilt, Beautiful. None what-so-ever. All these emotions are understandable. Really.

I woke up at some point during that night and he was awake, sitting up in bed- and he put his hand on me. I mean, what else could I ask for- he was worried about me, and he was watching over me while I slept. I'm trying to transfer all my doubts and hope into moments like that.

He sincerely sounds like one of the good guys.

Not all men are good at talking, and I do feel such a sense of comfort when he's around mostly. I don't know if I am expecting too much out of someone that's already giving me everything he is capable of giving. Maybe I should just appreciate what I have and compensate in other ways, learn to adapt?

I really hate to see you make any kind of decision right now, while everything is still so fresh and raw. From the sounds of it, he's pretty much willing to do anything for you and tries so hard to please you.

 

As a thought, instead of looking at it as you adapt or it must end, what about the possibility that both of you can find middle-ground over time by learning how to communicate in a way that works for both of you?

 

I agree tigress. Tough when you view both sides.

[johan]

Showing up with a cup of coffee when you need emotional support is a bit strange. A complete inability to deal with any emotion besides happiness seems like something to mark. Maybe he is one of the good guys. But you still need to be with someone who has some emotional maturity. It's important to be able to listen and also to articulate what you're feeling, especially at our age. This leaves open the question about whether he's going to be able to be strong for you in a crisis.

[Eddie Edirol]

Showing up with a cup of coffee when you need emotional support is a bit strange. A complete inability to deal with any emotion besides happiness seems like something to mark. Maybe he is one of the good guys. But you still need to be with someone who has some emotional maturity. It's important to be able to listen and also to articulate what you're feeling, especially at our age. This leaves open the question about whether he's going to be able to be strong for you in a crisis.

 

I want to retract my post, it makes sense that he might not have the maturity to deal with this kind of crisis, or he is trying not to say the wrong thing because he doesnt know how you might react. You should ask him if he has had disasters with dealing with a womans emotions before and if thats why he clams up. "I need you to talk to me or this isnt going to work"

[Sanman]

Hey D-lish,

 

 

Didn't read the whole thing and will try to respond later. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear about the miscarriage and I hope that you are doing alright.

[Star Gazer]

My heart agrees with everything TBF said. But my head says this:

 

Showing up with a cup of coffee when you need emotional support is a bit strange. A complete inability to deal with any emotion besides happiness seems like something to mark. Maybe he is one of the good guys. But you still need to be with someone who has some emotional maturity. It's important to be able to listen and also to articulate what you're feeling, especially at our age. This leaves open the question about whether he's going to be able to be strong for you in a crisis...

 

...and a crisis you will face, they're inevitable. That's life.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss, D. ((((D))))

[kimflute26]

I agree that he is a good man - there's no doubt about that. But I think some people here are missing the point that just because a man is good, or a woman is good, and even if they are doing all they can for you, that doesn't necessarily mean you should be with them long term. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't either! The one thing I definitely DO agree with is that you should just give yourself an emotional break for a while. Take care of yourself and let things slowly begin to normalize in your life. While you do that you can keep an eye on how your boyfriend interacts with you and how you are feeling about it. Of course, if it seems like he is still clamming up whenever you try to bring things up with him and you are becoming frustrated, that might become a pattern in the relationship (which would be very bad, obviously).

 

I was in a relationship once with a guy who was incapable of speaking about anything uncomfortable. It didn't matter whether I cried or whether I approached the situation in a very calm manner - same result every time, and it was honestly so frustrating that it was painful, and many times I actually FORGOT what i was originally frustrated about because the fact that my boyfriend wouldnt talk was even MORE frustrating! I don't know if it's that bad with you and your guy... but I guess what i'm trying to say is, you need to know what you need in a man. If you need a man who will talk to you about the issues you bring up... find that man. If you can live without it, keep your current man. But don't try to convince yourself that you DONT need a guy who will tend to you verbally if that is a truly important requirement for you. Don't tell yourself, "He's giving me all he can. I should be happy with that." Because sometimes everything that one particular person has to give doesn't fulfill what that other person truly wants in a life partner. Always remember that any issue that is present during the early stages normally doesn't go away - it usually becomes more noticeable with time. As for me, I'm now with a guy who communicates with me easily and I am in love with that. Good luck.

[anne1707]

D-lish

 

I am so sorry for your loss ((((hugs))))

 

I really think TBF has said it all. He obviously loves you and sounds like a great man but he obviously struggles to express his love and supprt verbally so demonstrates with actions - and after all on LS, it is always said that actions are what really matter. I really do not think you should be rushing into any decision about your future whilst you get through the next few weeks - also remember that just as you are grieving, he will be too yet he may be trying not to show that whilst he is strong for you.

 

However you understandably do need to talk and work through how you are feeling so maybe some counselling might be an option at this time or get in touch with a support group where you can talk - and cry - with others who have been through the same situation to help you work through this pain.

 

Look after yourself D

[sunshinegirl]

I agree that he is a good man - there's no doubt about that. But I think some people here are missing the point that just because a man is good, or a woman is good, and even if they are doing all they can for you, that doesn't necessarily mean you should be with them long term. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't either! The one thing I definitely DO agree with is that you should just give yourself an emotional break for a while. Take care of yourself and let things slowly begin to normalize in your life. While you do that you can keep an eye on how your boyfriend interacts with you and how you are feeling about it. Of course, if it seems like he is still clamming up whenever you try to bring things up with him and you are becoming frustrated, that might become a pattern in the relationship (which would be very bad, obviously).

 

I was in a relationship once with a guy who was incapable of speaking about anything uncomfortable. It didn't matter whether I cried or whether I approached the situation in a very calm manner - same result every time, and it was honestly so frustrating that it was painful, and many times I actually FORGOT what i was originally frustrated about because the fact that my boyfriend wouldnt talk was even MORE frustrating! I don't know if it's that bad with you and your guy... but I guess what i'm trying to say is, you need to know what you need in a man. If you need a man who will talk to you about the issues you bring up... find that man. If you can live without it, keep your current man. But don't try to convince yourself that you DONT need a guy who will tend to you verbally if that is a truly important requirement for you. Don't tell yourself, "He's giving me all he can. I should be happy with that." Because sometimes everything that one particular person has to give doesn't fulfill what that other person truly wants in a life partner. Always remember that any issue that is present during the early stages normally doesn't go away - it usually becomes more noticeable with time. As for me, I'm now with a guy who communicates with me easily and I am in love with that. Good luck.

 

I just want to say that this is an excellent, excellent post.

 

D-Lish, I'm so sorry for your miscarriage. Please take good care of yourself and like everyone else is saying, wait til you're feeling more 'normal' to think about making any decisions.

[BentSpine]

he voiced that he didn't want to have children,

My highly biased thought is that your man is not entirely displeased with the turn of events but figures this is not the time to express that happy feeling. I would internally be doing cart wheels of joy, having dodged an eighteen-year prison sentence. But we are all different.

[Kamille]

Oh D-Lish! What a heartbreaking story. I'm really sorry for your loss. ((D-Lish)).

 

I agree with TBF, TigressA and others who said you should give yourself time to deal with some of the emotions stirred up by the pregnancy and miscarriage before making any rash decisions.

 

I also think there's no reason to assume your guy generally can't communicate. I think he struggled to communicate about this specifically. You two were at diametrically opposed positions. He didn't want children, but how could he communicate that and express those feelings when he clearly also really wanted to support you? I think that during the pregnancy, he understood how important having a child was to you, and silenced himself rather than express emotions that were unsupportive. He would have had this child for you - and while this isn't the answer you wanted, it is his best answer.

 

I imagine that he must also be struggling with feelings of guilt about all this, and that could explain why he still struggles to communicate about what it all means to the both of you.

 

I think your emotions are completely valid - and ideally, I would want you to be able to communicate them. But perhaps what is missing is a space where while you can both recognize that you had different emotional reactions, they are equally as valid?

[iJester]

Talk is cheap. You have a guy that jumps at every opportunity to show you that he loves and you're still searching for fault. I know you're in a bad spot emotionally, but get a grip.

[johan]

I think you would be right to tell him "when I was suffering I didn't need coffee or a clean car. I needed you. Not to be around for me but to be there for me. I need to know you understand how I feel and have some empathy. If you can't provide that then I'll have to deal with the fact that in many ways I'm going to be completely alone in this relationship.".

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh my. I am so sad for your loss, and for you having to go through this whole experience. Truly.

 

I agree with the others who advise you to take care of yourself, get through the loss and the attendant hormonal changes, and recover a bit from all of this before you make a decision about this guy.

 

I am absolutely not minimizing the value and necessity of good communication, and for some of us it's more crucial than for others. But, as you know well by now, there are serious compromises to be made when people decide to spend their lives together. It's a really tricky thing, to discern whether you are making an informed compromise or abandoning your own core values in order to be in a relationship. I don't think you can do this right now, with all the emotions going on.

 

Though I am advising taking time to decide whether you and your guy will work out after all of this, I would immediately talk to him clearly about your needs in this department and see if he is able to step up at all. I doubt a total turnaround would ever happen though. It's just who he is - actions, not words.

 

Please take care of yourself and do not give in to guilt.

[sniffys]

dlish i was just gonna tell u congrats on the baby and u dont even look 41..but im sorry about the miscarriage.

 

in my opinion if the guy really loves u he should at least consider your feelings and needs/wants but also vice versa..altho i dont really understand marrying and not wanting children, but thats just me. i mean, if you arent gonna have kids jsut live-in together. you can still love each other faithfully with or without a marriage lisence.

 

this guy, i dont think its working out well for you. you were the one who got pregnant and miscarried, he should at least cuddle you and comfort you until you get better. it's like he is scared of things that people in relationships aren't supposed to be scared about. when a man cant even communicate basic stuff to me i get really frustrated, cause sometimes that is ALL you have, and sometimes that is all that could probably save the relationship.

 

i think you can find someone else who will meet your needs but until now, like another LS member said, if u cant let go of the wrong one u will never find the right one.

[Zapbasket]

Showing up with a cup of coffee when you need emotional support is a bit strange. A complete inability to deal with any emotion besides happiness seems like something to mark. Maybe he is one of the good guys. But you still need to be with someone who has some emotional maturity. It's important to be able to listen and also to articulate what you're feeling, especially at our age. This leaves open the question about whether he's going to be able to be strong for you in a crisis.

 

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, D-Lish, and I can only imagine the kaleidoscope of emotions you are going through.

 

It does sound like your man is a genuinely good person who cares a lot for you. But I agree with what Johan says above. It is a reasonable expectation that an adult in his or her thirties or above ought to be able to talk about painful situations, and participate meaningfully in discussions where the course of both people's futures is at stake. A cup of coffee and an oil change are sweet gestures certainly, but not what's really needed in a situation such as you endured. It's like a child who see's that you are sad and colors you a picture to cheer you up. It's sweet, and you know that the child made with picture with all the love just bursting in his heart...but you need the loving emotional touch of an adult who can empathize with the turmoil of emotions, and articulate that empathy to you.

 

I struggle a lot with being so emotional and verbally communicative. I crave the same from others and I tell myself all the time that it's okay that others in my life don't share emotions the same way I do. But I'm understanding more and more that in a life partner, while we don't have to be on the same page communicatively all the time, I need someone who isn't scared off by emotional pain. I need someone who can listen, and articulate their thoughts and feelings. Otherwise, it doesn't matter how attentive they are in other ways, I'm always going to feel a little lonely in the relationship.

 

That said, I totally understand how hard it is to contemplate walking away when it's clear the person at heart is well-intended and caring.

[Ariadne]

Hi D-Lish,

 

Sorry about the baby.

 

But what I noticed from your post is that you have a very supportive partner, that you have no problem getting pregnant, and that you were willing to have a baby!!!

 

I just hope that when things settle down and you feel a little better it will be time to get that baby going one more time!

 

Just do it D-Lish!

 

And about the partner not communicating, I guess he must have been shocked too about the pregnancy and then the loss and probably out of words and doing the best that he could. He sounds like a wonderful man!

 

Best wishes to you and hope you feel better soon! Hugs.

[Banker Chick]

I'm so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. As a 42 yr old that's dating a 40 yr old guy that would love to have a child (doesn't have any) and it seems it's not going to happen ... well ... I can only imagine the emotions you're cycling through.

 

I think he sounds like a great guy and I do agree that a lot of stock should be placed in his actions. BUT, that doesn't mean you no longer need him to be there for your emotionally. I struggle with this same thing and am also getting ready to read The Five Love Languages. My bf and I have different communication styles. Most of the time I'm looking for a certain response from him and I get something totally unexpected ... and not in a good way. He's been known to say the complete wrong thing! It's something we're trying to work on but it's not easy.

 

I know it's early on, but have you thought about any couples counseling? Sometimes a third party can give you good suggestions on how you can get him to open up and maybe get him to admit why he's hesitant to do so. I know people say you shouldn't be in a relationship if you need counseling at such an early stage but I don't see it as a problem if there's just one sticking point that causes you to be at an impasse or you're thinking of leaving the relationship.