kaygato Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 My ex said he still wanted to be friends, and I initially agreed. Last night I got really upset though and told him I wouldn't be happy with a "fake friendship" and that if we could be friends we'd still be together. That if our friendship wasn't close and was mainly small talk...that it wasn't worth having for me. We're about an hour's drive apart since we go to seperate colleges so this discussion all occured over text messages. I've tried doing no contact with my ex and basically have broken it several times because it's been really hard. I've been doing pretty well for the last month though. I feel like I've really turned a corner since last night and I'll really be able to not contact my ex anymore. I've decided though that if he initiates contact I will answer him because I don't want to push him away. I do want him in my life in some way. I just can't handle him labeling what he wants as frienship since to me real friendship is something that involves some level of closeness, and I'm not sure he wants that with me anymore. I guess I'm having trouble reconciling the situation in my mind. How people say "let's be friends" but they really mean "let's be aquaintances who occasionally catch up with each other". To me, it's just another cruel thing dumpers say. It gives me false hope. My ex has also been dating his new gf for almost a month now, so I know that us actually being friends would be pretty hard at this stage. Right now I guess I'm still really bitter about the breakup. I'm kind of at the stage where I'm just angry and determined to show my ex I can live (and live happily) without him. I'm determined to not let him win...lol. I guess I'm ok with my ex and I being friends if that's what he really wants. I just hope my last text messages weren't enough to scare him away from speaking to me for good. How do you guys reconcile with having a shallow friendship of sorts with your ex? How do you handle yourself in public when around said ex? (just wondering because I might see him in some social situations this summer) And have you ever heard of a shallow friendship with an ex ever developing into something deeper and possibly leading to getting back together???
Author kaygato Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 I know right now is too early for me to see my ex in public, really. Fortunately there is no chance of that happening. I just hope that by the time summer rolls around I'll be able to keep a level head and act friendly without expecting anything back from him. Knowing the type of person he is, I'm sure he'll be civil and probably also fairly friendly with me. He did say he wanted us to be friends, after all. I just hope that eventually I won't feel so emotional about this, and it will become easier to interact with him. I don't really want him back anymore...I feel like I do, but I don't think it's for the right reasons. I still love him, but I'm not in love anymore. I think if he were both single sometime in the future and were friends first a second try might work out. But I'm not placing all my hope on it.
Beeotch Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) True friendship with an ex usually comes after much needed time and after you're over them...not before. Learned that. The ex that brought me to LS 2 years ago..we tried the friend thing....HEADACHE! You still like this person, you get upset when they treat you as "just a friend" ,sometimes you both slip and get into relationship mode, then you get upset at what they do etc. That is not a friendship! It shouldn't be awkward or forced. We currently do not speak and believe it or not...it doesn't bother me. I think when you initially break up you do care and do want to be friends, it's not a lie...it just can't happen quickly and also a large part of you pushing the friendship is the part not over the person. But truly...once you get over it, you are either friends naturally or not and the good thing is, you often get to a point where you don't care. Most of my exes we're just acquaintances now. There is no animosity, we talk sometimes, one of them we email occasionally and catch up and we're cool, but I'm not besties with any of them where we talk frequently and hang out etc. like I would my regular friends. But it works and I am not pining after more cause I've moved on. My current ex is the only ex I do not speak to at all and at first I couldn't fathom it and felt so awful about it but now it doesn't bother me at all and if I saw him out and about....I would be cordial. Edited March 11, 2011 by Beeotch
spackle Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 totally get where you're coming from. I've FINALLY called it a day with someone who was giving me the friends line for a while. It's a little complicated but essentially I don't think he's being 100% straight with me, he avoids particular questions about the situation, I feel I'm an ego stroke and because we've been in contact most days for some months I've got some physical feelings for him coming up. He's got his needs met, knows I've got some interest in him, what have I got? What kind of friendship is like that? None of my others.
radiodarcy Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 How do you guys reconcile with having a shallow friendship of sorts with your ex? How do you handle yourself in public when around said ex? (just wondering because I might see him in some social situations this summer) And have you ever heard of a shallow friendship with an ex ever developing into something deeper and possibly leading to getting back together??? i don't. i tried being friends with him after close to 3 months of NC. i figured i could handle it -- that i had healed enough. then he started talking about actively dating and finding a gf (clearly he wasn't talking abt me ) i played along for a day or two; he would forward me profiles of girls he dated; tell me when he had a date lined up (seems like he had one just about every night of the week - - *sigh*). i actually handled it better than i thought. but when he mentioned that there was this one girl he really liked (he hadn't liked any of the other girls he dated - - which is prob why i could handle it up until then ) reality started settling in. i realized that sooner or later he was going to find someone he wanted to settle down with and that would mean getting thrown overboard (again). so i beat him to it and jumped ship. i've never run into him in public and don't expect to since we live in different towns. that are far enough away from each other where that wouldn't be an possibility. i can't say i have heard of shallow friendships with exes developing into anything further but i supposed it's possible. i wouldn't want to be in that relationship though. i agree with you -- real friendship requires a certain level of intimacy and closeness. it should form the basis of a relationship. not something shallow like "let's be aquaintances who occasionally catch up with each other". i have plenty of friends like that. i want more than that.
Author kaygato Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 I should be honest, being friends with my ex is really all I deserve anyway. I'm pretty sure he loved me more than I loved him. Given that we were only able to spend 3 weeks as friends and then date for a month while living in the same town....I'm not sure whether the distance was to blame for me not developing as strong of feelings for him or whether that means we just aren't meant to be. We're both in our late teens, it was the first relationship for both of us, and these things just happen I suppose. I just don't get why I feel so empty inside. I know that I'll always love him and care for him a great deal. We are similar in many ways and just get on so well together. I really do want to be his friend and think I could be happy being just friends. But after he broke up he went and got a new girlfriend almost instantly and I know that while he's with her there isn't much of a chance of a real friendship happening for us. Is is selfish that I'm jealous and wish he'd break up with her even though I'm not certain I can give him what he deserves? I definitely think so. That's why I'm staying away for now. This whole situation is so confusing for me lol.
Trovador Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 My ex and I are friends, close enough to hang out and talk daily, for hours most days... she calls me everyday but it is almost ritual she does it at morning and at night... Is this what you want? What's the difference of a shallow friendship if at the end of the day we still are not together? She doesn't need to date (not now, at least)... she has me, someone to laugh and gossip with, a shoulder to cry on, someone to lend or borrow from discs, books, money, stuff... someone to fight with, someone that loves her and feeds her ego, someone to flirt with (very innocently though)... someone whom to hurt... Is that what you want?
Author kaygato Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 My ex and I are friends, close enough to hang out and talk daily, for hours most days... she calls me everyday but it is almost ritual she does it at morning and at night... Is this what you want? What's the difference of a shallow friendship if at the end of the day we still are not together? She doesn't need to date (not now, at least)... she has me, someone to laugh and gossip with, a shoulder to cry on, someone to lend or borrow from discs, books, money, stuff... someone to fight with, someone that loves her and feeds her ego, someone to flirt with (very innocently though)... someone whom to hurt... Is that what you want? Well, I think in a few lucky cases becoming friends with an ex could help in getting back together. Trovador, why are you letting her be your friend if it makes you unhappy? I don't think it's a good idea to be friends with an ex right after a breakup. Maybe you should pull back a lot...stop answering her calls all the time, meet other girls to hang out with, go on a few dates. Maybe if you stayed in her life but from more of a distance she'd realize what she lost?
2010_Sorry Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 For me, I found that being "friends" with the ex really just meant that I would continue to be his doormat. The relationship was over, so I no longer needed to stick around and be controlled anymore.
Trovador Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 We had a second chance after being friends, so I guess I am one of the lucky guys... right now, first, I am not entirely unhappy with our friendship, second, she won't let me go NC (literally, she fights for having me back), third, we two are totally miserable not being together... A friendship after a break up doesn't always mean the dumper is a doormat or that the dumper is implementing a plan to get rid of her guilt, a back up plan, etc... Sometimes, a friendship is the only way to move on... it is enough to read all the threads here about people on NC suffering and despairing because they are not getting back together nor really moving on... if you doubt my word, go over the threads on LS... But I agree, being friends with the ex just to expect a miraculous comeback is crazier than going NC... I repeat, a friendship might help to get over your ex, but only if you really don't want to get back together... in fact, going NC, even if you really don't want anything with them, could make you obsess about them and revert to the old feelings... I should know, this is what I've been experiencing these last months...
lawwal Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I agree. We were FWB one month after BU and that could have been a good thing. Maybe that was her way of taking a step back with me and giving us another try. Who knows..I was really happy during this time, but I had no idea if this was her intention. I took the real drastic route and told her that I needed space and to not contact me until she wanted to try again and all that did was get her to unfriend me on fb and I got no response. I did it because that NC was what almost every thread was saying. Am I getting better? Sure. Do I still obsess about her? Yes. Did I probably push her away for good? Probably.
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