valdeetz1 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 As the title says. Tonight I was at restaurant with a girlfriend, one that he didnt care for when we were together. We had just paid our tabs when low and behold they waltzed through the door- had to go right past our table to get in. I held eyecontanct with my friend, didn't so much as turn my head towards them. She said they were staring us down. Her more so then him. As a matter of fact she said the moment he saw me he backed away from the new girl some- no hand holding or anything like that. But Eh... It was a small place, and my friend forced me to stay in it for another 15 minutes, but I'm glad she did. After the initial flight response, she talked to me some, got me laughing in the restaurant, talking about plans I had in the near futures and a 'cute guy' from work. It was all smoke and mirrors on her part, but it distracted me enough to calm me down. And I'm glad- cause I didn't bail when they got there. I stayed, finished my drink with my friend, calmly got up and left. They didnt get the satisfaction of seeing how much the really bothered me. And even though my hands are still shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up I think I handled it well, and though I wanted to shake my friend I'm glad she made me stay put. Hold your ground, show them that they dont bother you. Let your ex see how you can have a life without them. It makes you feel better- because they get to see with their own eyes and hear with their own ears, that life goes on without them. Still nervewrecking though- just wanted to share.
0hpenelope Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 As the title says. Tonight I was at restaurant with a girlfriend, one that he didnt care for when we were together. We had just paid our tabs when low and behold they waltzed through the door- had to go right past our table to get in. I held eyecontanct with my friend, didn't so much as turn my head towards them. She said they were staring us down. Her more so then him. As a matter of fact she said the moment he saw me he backed away from the new girl some- no hand holding or anything like that. But Eh... Oh my! Now why would he back away when he made the decision to leave you for her? Sounds like the girl is going to need the luck because you know exactly what kind of guy she's with. As good a guy as he was to you while together, he left you for another. What are the odds he might do the same thing to her... It was a small place, and my friend forced me to stay in it for another 15 minutes, but I'm glad she did. After the initial flight response, she talked to me some, got me laughing in the restaurant, talking about plans I had in the near futures and a 'cute guy' from work. It was all smoke and mirrors on her part, but it distracted me enough to calm me down. And I'm glad- cause I didn't bail when they got there. I stayed, finished my drink with my friend, calmly got up and left. They didnt get the satisfaction of seeing how much the really bothered me. And even though my hands are still shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up I think I handled it well, and though I wanted to shake my friend I'm glad she made me stay put. Hold your ground, show them that they dont bother you. Let your ex see how you can have a life without them. It makes you feel better- because they get to see with their own eyes and hear with their own ears, that life goes on without them. Still nervewrecking though- just wanted to share. Congratulations for showing grace. I'm very glad you listened to your friend and props to your friend for knowing exactly what to do. Isn't it interesting to notice that they were the ones who were uncomfortable? Why should they be? They should be happy! They're on a date, shouldn't it be a great dinner? I'm not minimizing your discomfort, but I am magnifying the choice you made that night. It would've been much easier to walk out of that restaurant, but you stood your ground. As hard at it still is for you, this is a great victory for your healing. Celebrate! Ah, I'm just really happy for you.
Author valdeetz1 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 It's like a small victory. My other friend that just so happened to cancel at the last minute is livid. Says I should have sling my drink at him. lol. But I'm not violent like that. Not that he would not have deserved it after what he did. I say the exact same thing- he will leave her, or eventually she will leave him. I'm not sure why he would back off her- maybe it was out of habit or something. Who knows. My ex wasn't the best BF, but not the worst either. He loved me- maintained that he loved me after the BU- just said he was unhappy. Going to find what makes him happy. This is his second relationship...so yeah, thats him though. He's the only one who knows what he's thinking. My friend said he made eyecontact with her, and he might have tried to get mine. But like I told my friend when she asked me why I wasnt looking- He's pretty much dead to me. As long as he's with her, and until he apologizes for what he did to me after almost 7 years together he is not alive to me. After all he left me to be with her. He has been telling everyone that I broke up with him, ectect...so evidently on some level he knows he was stupid or what he did was very wrong, and he tries to soften it- or he's just really screwed up in the head because as a guy friend told me- new ***** will make a guy stupid. And that might make me sound bitter- but for now its how I'm coping.
dressing up Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I'm so sorry this happened. It's my worst nightmare to run into the guy friend I was crushing on and his new girlfriend. You should be proud of yourself the way you handled it. I hope you continue to cope and heal from hereon.
Leandro Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Oh my! Now why would he back away when he made the decision to leave you for her? Sounds like the girl is going to need the luck because you know exactly what kind of guy she's with. As good a guy as he was to you while together, he left you for another. What are the odds he might do the same thing to her... Penelope has a point. If he did it to you after 7 years, he's going to do it again. Maybe not with her, but he'll probably do it again. Maybe she will leave him for another guy. Post 1000
0hpenelope Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 It's like a small victory. My other friend that just so happened to cancel at the last minute is livid. Says I should have sling my drink at him. lol. But I'm not violent like that. Not that he would not have deserved it after what he did. Oh no, no slinging drinks! It's too expensive - even if it's water, water's too precious of a commodity to waste on a cad. ... And that might make me sound bitter- but for now its how I'm coping. It's okay. You'll let go of this bitterness, I'm sure. There's no good that comes out of feeling bitter towards something or someone. It's not about "being nice to someone that wronged you," it's more like there's just something so negative about being bitter. It's like the baggage that never goes away and it affects those who carry bitterness around in ways that they don't expect. Feeling the hate, bitterness, etc. towards the ex is part of the grieving process. Just keep on keeping it away from him as you've been doing. He doesn't deserve anything more from you. Hugs from this Penny, val! You'll feel better soon. You will, I believe it.
Author valdeetz1 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Oh no, no slinging drinks! It's too expensive - even if it's water, water's too precious of a commodity to waste on a cad. It's okay. You'll let go of this bitterness, I'm sure. There's no good that comes out of feeling bitter towards something or someone. It's not about "being nice to someone that wronged you," it's more like there's just something so negative about being bitter. It's like the baggage that never goes away and it affects those who carry bitterness around in ways that they don't expect. Feeling the hate, bitterness, etc. towards the ex is part of the grieving process. Just keep on keeping it away from him as you've been doing. He doesn't deserve anything more from you. Hugs from this Penny, val! You'll feel better soon. You will, I believe it. I agree with you and I hope your right. I do hope I let go of it soon. It's just so irritating. And if I made them uncomfortable- they should be. He cheated on me with her, she knew me for almost 3 years. They both stabbed me in the back- they should be concerned if I'm going to snap and throw things at them- not that I ever would. But instead... My friend got me laughing, talking about some plans, did a good job of distracting me. I'm glad to have her. Because I think that did more unnerving to them then anything else. She feels threatened by me- and in all actuality she should, and anyone one else. Because if he can do that to me after 7 years, then what makes her any better? sorry- ranting now. Thanks Penny I take those hugs to heart.
0hpenelope Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I agree with you and I hope your right. I do hope I let go of it soon. It's just so irritating. And if I made them uncomfortable- they should be. He cheated on me with her, she knew me for almost 3 years. They both stabbed me in the back- they should be concerned if I'm going to snap and throw things at them- not that I ever would. But instead... My friend got me laughing, talking about some plans, did a good job of distracting me. I'm glad to have her. Because I think that did more unnerving to them then anything else. She feels threatened by me- and in all actuality she should, and anyone one else. Because if he can do that to me after 7 years, then what makes her any better? sorry- ranting now. Thanks Penny I take those hugs to heart. Girl, these rants? Best to do them here online, AWAY from the ex-boyfriend than to break down in front of him, lose all of your beautiful progress, and feel worse for doing so afterwards. Never apologize for those rants. Gaining that self-discipline - where one assesses himself/herself before acting based on their emotions - is really, really tough. I sympathize with all of the dumpees on the board. When I feel the urge to contact my ex (with me being in tears and sobbing), I freak out and go down my contacts list in my phone instead of acting on that impulse to call him. All the while, I think to myself "How will I feel afterwards? I'll feel better for a short time, but how will I feel after I hang up the phone?" I don't want him to hear me cry more than he has and I refuse to give him reasons to pity me when I'm not to be pitied. All of the stuff that dumpees do - begging, pleading, negotiating - I kept it within that break-up day. I had to reach out one last time to pay him back, but since then I've gone radio silent. NC is hard but for my sake, it's for the best. In that same vein, it took discipline to stand your ground and not give in to your emotions. Your ex and his new arm candy are not the owners of the restaurant. You are a paying customer and your business there is to eat and enjoy your night out with your friend, in the same way that they're there to enjoy their date - and not care whether or not you're there. To me, an outsider and internet stranger, it's laughable that at least one of them was sending negative vibes your way. WHY?! What are the negative vibes for?! She can have him, she wants a cheater, she can have that infidel! Oh, she already does... What. A. Catch! How does it feel to know that you are much, much stronger and resilient than you thought before? It's beautiful, isn't it. I forgot to mention earlier that letting go of the negative feelings eventually - anger, bitterness, hatred, what have you - it's for you. I'm referring to dumpee readers, too. No one should shoulder such feelings around in life. Life's really too short. Feeling all of that ugly stuff is part of our healing, but after they've served their purpose, they're best left behind as we move forward without our dumpers.
Beeotch Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 As the title says. Tonight I was at restaurant with a girlfriend, one that he didnt care for when we were together. We had just paid our tabs when low and behold they waltzed through the door- had to go right past our table to get in. I held eyecontanct with my friend, didn't so much as turn my head towards them. She said they were staring us down. Her more so then him. As a matter of fact she said the moment he saw me he backed away from the new girl some- no hand holding or anything like that. But Eh... It was a small place, and my friend forced me to stay in it for another 15 minutes, but I'm glad she did. After the initial flight response, she talked to me some, got me laughing in the restaurant, talking about plans I had in the near futures and a 'cute guy' from work. It was all smoke and mirrors on her part, but it distracted me enough to calm me down. And I'm glad- cause I didn't bail when they got there. I stayed, finished my drink with my friend, calmly got up and left. They didnt get the satisfaction of seeing how much the really bothered me. And even though my hands are still shaking and I feel like I'm going to throw up I think I handled it well, and though I wanted to shake my friend I'm glad she made me stay put. Hold your ground, show them that they dont bother you. Let your ex see how you can have a life without them. It makes you feel better- because they get to see with their own eyes and hear with their own ears, that life goes on without them. Still nervewrecking though- just wanted to share. Good for you! You handled yourself in a dignified way and will always look back proudly on it and one fine day your ex will come into a restaurant with a new girl and you may be with your new man and be able to say "Hi how are you?" and totally mean it.
Author valdeetz1 Posted March 23, 2011 Author Posted March 23, 2011 Just to add to this I heard from my ex's mom and brother the other day.( me and his mom were really close and she still tells me she wants me to take care of her when shes old) They had thought I was in Japan when the earthquake hit so they were checking on me. This event got brought up- and evidently it rattled him a hell of a lot more. He texted his mom at the restaurant, pretty much flipping out that I was there. And evidently upset I didnt look/talk to him. I didnt press for details- I didnt want them. But what little I got made me feel good for handling it like I did. During most of the conversation we just talked about me and how I was doing ( Great of course ), whether I was going to Japan still with the aftermath, and how things were at work. I did pretty good, though I did let slide I had been talking to a guy. ( accidental at first but when she pressed I gave details) And later that day I got like 7 blocked calls that I ignored. So I'm sure that slip got to him. Ego boost for me though... At this point I'm not for reconciliation. Not unless major changes were to be involved. But...right now I'm doing a lot better, and I'm ok with things. Its ok if it doesnt work out.
jquest1280 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 valdeetz1, I'm so pleased for you, you handled things well, now you got him concerned for you...and you don't care. From the many of us who don't get or still haven't got that kind of satisfaction...Congratulations
lolo1234 Posted March 24, 2011 Posted March 24, 2011 Wow! Can't believe that happened. crazy crazy stuff. But you handled it sooo well. You should be proud of yourself and your friend sounds marvelous!
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