guiltimiss Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 My boyfriend cheated on me with an old flame in 2005 and then treated me rather coldly after I found out. He denied having sex with the woman for about six months until I finally found the courage to confront her. I phones her and brought him into a three-way call with her at which point he had no choice but to confess. After the affair, he treated my very coldly, as if it was my fault. Later that year I got a new job and met this guy who was showering me with attention. I was so devastated by my BF's affair and his subsequent callousness that it was just good to have somebody pay me some attention. I eventually went out on a date with my co-worker and then we met a few more times. While there was a sexual attraction, I did not really like him, and really wanted to be with my BF. However, I was bent on revenge and had sex with my coworker early in 2006 in retaliation for what my BF had done to me. I felt horribly afterwards, and although I did not have sex with my co-worker after that one time I continued to keep in contact with him. My conscience has been beating me ever since, and I feel like I need to come clean to my BF, explain to him that I slept with my co-worker to get revenge and continued to entertain him just to boost my ego. I'm afraid that telling my BF would ruin our relationship. I'm also afraid that telling him now, almost five years after the fact, would devastate him. What should I do? Can anyone offer some advice?
race_engine Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 well you're just as bad as he is now. what you SHOULD have done was dump him a long time ago, right after you found out he cheated on you. idk what to really tell you, it sounds like you guys have a screwed up relationship. that can't possibly be true love if you guys both have cheated on each other. i'd tell him and cut my losses if i were you.
PratyekaYana Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 It might be beneficial to both you and your boyfriend to simply leave the relationship. He cheated on you first and, according to your post, showed absolutely no remorse or empathy for how his actions might have affected you. The relationship never truly recovered from that first blow, but, to add further ruin, you then decided to cheat on him in return as a way of evening the scales. You can't possibly be under the illusion that this bond is in anyway nurturing to either of you.
Spectre Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) You made yourself look like a..well, pick your 4 letter word, exactly how is that you getting revenge on him? Not to mention the fact that you kept in contact with the guy afterwards show you have utterly no respect for him. Which seems fitting, as it is obvious you have zero respect for yourself as well. Your bf also obviously does not respect you..so it's no respect all around. Not even getting into the fact that you are working with the dude you banged, which means you would have to quit that job anyways to have even a chance at the relationship working. That is especially why it shows people who cheat with co-workers or people they will otherwise have to see a lot are just..well, not very smart. As to your question, yes tell him, get this relationship over with. Neither of you love each other, and the guy turned you into someone trashy. Tip for the future: whoring yourself never actually gives you any revenge, as it actually makes you look worse then your bf now. A lot of guys would never even consider dating a girl who acts like you, so now you are left with the whole "Do I lie to future bf's in order to be with a guy who respects me?" issue to deal with. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but these things need to be said, people absolutely have to stop behaving this way. It makes people as a whole look bad if this is how we treat the people we supposedly "love" and it also goes to show me very very few people actually know what love truly is, which is quite disturbing. Edited March 11, 2011 by Spectre
carhill Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 OP, welcome to LS List the positive aspects of your relationship below:
Author guiltimiss Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 OP, welcome to LS List the positive aspects of your relationship below: Aside from both our indiscretions, we communicate well about other things going on in our lives We're very supportive of each other's careers After a long time of disregarding my feelings, he expressed regret for his affair and has been working to regain my trust. I believe that he is genuinely sorry for his affair, has learned from it, and wants us to be together. I've always felt that he was the one for me, and although I did what I did in anger, I still feel this way and am prepared to do whatever I have to to regain his trust. What to do?
carhill Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 My opinion is, if you wish to recover the relationship, honesty and transparency is the healthy policy. Whether that translates to rebuilt trust and longevity is unknown. Clarity is a valuable tool. Get it all out in the open and work it.
PeachyPink Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 My opinion is, if you wish to recover the relationship, honesty and transparency is the healthy policy. Whether that translates to rebuilt trust and longevity is unknown. Clarity is a valuable tool. Get it all out in the open and work it.I agree, but have a question of the OP, if I may: You have been feeling guilty for 5 years, correct? What has caused your guilt to come to a head now to make you feel like you need to disclose now, as opposed to earlier? I'm asking because I think your SO may ask as well!
Author guiltimiss Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 I agree, but have a question of the OP, if I may: You have been feeling guilty for 5 years, correct? What has caused your guilt to come to a head now to make you feel like you need to disclose now, as opposed to earlier? I'm asking because I think your SO may ask as well! Yes, I've been feeling guilty since the physical affair happened. My BF's disregard for my feelings helped me justify continuing to communicate with my co-worker, who left the job shortly after we had the affair and now works at another place. It felt empowering to have somebody pay me attention, and I encouraged his conversations after the physical affair, though I was never interested in him. I also dropped my co-worker's name occasionally into conversations with my BF to try to get him jealous. My BF started to suspect something and asked me if there was something going on between me and the guy. I denied anything, but felt really bad about lying to him, especially now that he's working so hard on our relationship. I just wished that I had told him earlier or didn't continue communicating with my co-worker. It just seems so foolish now. But I have to deal with it, and fear the worst if I confess.
race_engine Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 confess then. if you've been feeling guilty for a while, then it's not likely to go away any time soon if ever. don't be surprised if he walks though, when you tell him. you're in quite a mess.
WorldIsYours Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 well you're just as bad as he is now. what you SHOULD have done was dump him a long time ago, right after you found out he cheated on you. idk what to really tell you, it sounds like you guys have a screwed up relationship. that can't possibly be true love if you guys both have cheated on each other. i'd tell him and cut my losses if i were you. Best post on here so far. You wasted five years with some loser, then do the one thing that hurt you the most. Both of you are the same now.
johan Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 When he cheated, it sounds like he didn't come to you to bare his soul. You found out some other way, confronted him, and then he owned up to it. If you hadn't found out on your own, you might still not know. Do you still feel you owe him your honesty? What's going to happen if you do come clean? He never accepted responsibility for his own actions in the first place. Now he has legitimate ammo, and if this hurts him, you can expect him to feel justified in doing whatever he wants. Including cheating again. Will your trust for him after you tell him increase or decrease? And will his trust for you increase or decrease? You'll find both will go down a lot. The problem I see is that now trust is impossible. Your relationship will seem to both of you to be built on deception. It frankly is at this point anyway, but only you know that. If he finds out, then you'll both believe it. And the relationship will break down. If not soon, then sometime in the years to come, when you both feel a little bored with each other or you aren't getting along, infidelity will occur again. So I think the question of whether you tell him or not is not especially relevant. The action you should take is to break up and start over with someone else. So telling him about this is optional, as far as I'm concerned.
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