justsam Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury.
seren Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Hi JustSam, I did, I asked about everything. I did so, so that there was nothing hidden, nothing I didn't have to picture without having a true picture, if that makes sense. I even knew what her underwear was like. It helped me to understand the true nature of the A. I am glad I asked and was answered, it might not work for everyone, but it did for me. 1
Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury. I agree with Seren. It is what you DO NOT KNOW that you obsess about over and over and over again. My imagination is ten times more active than the reality of his affair. It was horrible. And no more secrets was of huge importance to me. Some do not want to know. But if you truly wants to reconcile your marriage, answer every question to the best of your ability and in a kind and compassionate manner. You have a window of opportunity here, maybe, because ultimately it will be your spouse's decision whether or not to forgive you. Don't blow it. Whitewashing the truth, omitting the truth, minimizing the truth is what adds insult to injury and will most likely be the final death knell of your marriage. You have been dishonest. You have a rare opportunity to be truthful. Do not blow this. Most marriages end because of a poorly handled aftermath of the affair, then because of the affair itself. Good luck. 1
seren Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Just to add that don't think that the asking for details will stop at just the once. I asked over and over and over again, I would pick up on just one small changed detail, no matter how irrelevant. In that way the picture in my head was complete, I understood it, it made sense and I had total informed choice. After around the 2 year mark I just got bored asking the same thing and getting the same answers which told me I had moved along and it no longer filled my thoughts. The more I knew, the more I shook my head at how little was shared of an intimate nature, not sex but intimacy, huge difference of course. But that mattered. I have never had an A, always imagined them to be like when me and H met, romantic, special etc, it so wasn't, frankly hearing about it made me wonder what the hell the OW got out of it. Truth when asked, always.
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Most marriages end because of a poorly handled aftermath of the affair, then because of the affair itself. It's because of that, the lies, and the affair itself.
Linda9999 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Hell yes I wanted to know details. And I asked over and over. I need to know what I am being asked to forgive, and I have to hear it over and over so that I know it's true and so that I can process it. Finding out your spouse has cheated blows your mind, literally, so that one day if i ask ten questions, I might internalize the answers to one or two. The next day I want to ask the same other 8 questions again, plus more. And so on and so on. Wayward spouses think they're protecting their betrayed spouse (and themselves I'm sure) by not telling the whole truth. but really, all they're doing is more lying.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 For me personally...no I didn't need to get info on the sex. I needed details about the affair itself but not about the act. My partners affair was with someone much older than me therefore the wrinkles, sagging and everything else didnt make me feel less desirable or sexy. If anything it empowered me more (in a twisted way) that he obviously lowered his standards in a dark moment of his life. Thats his to deal with..as he still is..and mine as well..as time goes on I see how much he treasures our life together. But no...I didn't need to know the specifics. I know what people do when they have sex...thats all I need to know really!
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Wayward spouses think they're protecting their betrayed spouse (and themselves I'm sure) by not telling the whole truth. but really, all they're doing is more lying. Yup ,agreed. They don't tell them to cover their own asses. Marriages do not thrive on secrecy.
Jonah Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Hi JustSam, I did, I asked about everything. I did so, so that there was nothing hidden, nothing I didn't have to picture without having a true picture, if that makes sense. I even knew what her underwear was like. It helped me to understand the true nature of the A. I am glad I asked and was answered, it might not work for everyone, but it did for me. I wish I could have done that and lived happily ever after with my soul mate.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I cannot imagine that the cheater who is trying to reconcile with their spouse.. I cannot imagine they would ever divulge everything.. It could be out of embarrassment, or in trying to protect their spouse, from more hurt. I would think there would always be something missing in the story.
PegNosePete Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 No I didn't want to know the details, I just wanted to know her new address so I could send the divorce papers.
seren Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I cannot imagine that the cheater who is trying to reconcile with their spouse.. I cannot imagine they would ever divulge everything.. It could be out of embarrassment, or in trying to protect their spouse, from more hurt. I would think there would always be something missing in the story. I respectfully disagree, I had the lot, in my sit the OW also confirmed the lot too. I read each and every text, OW sent them to me. There is nothing hidden, the acts of sex are pretty meaningless IMHO, than the lies. it was cheap and sordid, not that she or he were, but the whole shebang was. I actually felt sorry for the OW and couldn't understand her acceptance of such poor treatment. Believe me, H knew that if there was just one thing that lurked, one thing that wasn't shared I was gone. Some things hurt so much, but I am a face my dragons head on and he knew this and so the truth. I keep saying about The Letter to The Wayward Spouse, but that nailed it, that said to H what I meant when I said OK tell me the whole dammed lot.
trinity1 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury. I wanted to know the sexual details and my husband told me everything. I don't regret it. It was a way for me to process the hurt and leave it all behind me.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I respectfully disagree, I had the lot, in my sit the OW also confirmed the lot too. I read each and every text, OW sent them to me. There is nothing hidden, the acts of sex are pretty meaningless IMHO, than the lies. it was cheap and sordid, not that she or he were, but the whole shebang was. I actually felt sorry for the OW and couldn't understand her acceptance of such poor treatment. Believe me, H knew that if there was just one thing that lurked, one thing that wasn't shared I was gone. Some things hurt so much, but I am a face my dragons head on and he knew this and so the truth. I keep saying about The Letter to The Wayward Spouse, but that nailed it, that said to H what I meant when I said OK tell me the whole dammed lot. Hi Seren, I was speaking in regards to the sex acts, not the communication. I don't think the sex acts would or could be fully disclosed to the BS.
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Hi Seren, I was speaking in regards to the sex acts, not the communication. I don't think the sex acts would or could be fully disclosed to the BS. They can be fully disclosed but some cheaters are just plain heartless and selfish enough to hold that information over their BS's head.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 If there would have been a reconciliation, I would have probably wanted to know everything. Otherwise I could care less. There's good reason to have no respect for the OW in my situation. From where I stand at this time, I would assume how they carried on in the bedroom would be as repulsive, as the dishonerable manner in which they conducted their lives and went after my sons and myself emotionally, financially.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 They can be fully disclosed but some cheaters are just plain heartless and selfish enough to hold that information over their BS's head. No I don't think of it that way. I think the cheater would not disclose due to minimizing because embarrassment/regret, or feeling protective toward their spouse in reconciliation. In reconciliation, I think the spouse is entitled to all truth if they wish, and also - I believe their bodies belong to each other.
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I think the cheater would not disclose due to minimizing because embarrassment/regret, or feeling protective toward their spouse in reconciliation. They don't hold that information in order to protect their spouse. It's not for the benefit of the betrayed. It's to cover their own arse. If they really cared and wanted to be "protective toward their spouse" they would've never cheated. Regret does tie into it but overall it's plain selfishness. In reconciliation, I think the spouse is entitled to all truth if they wish, and also - I believe their bodies belong to each other. Agreed, which is how it should be without one of them going to a third party in the first place.
What_Next Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Yes I wanted the details. Yes I asked. Did I get the "full truth", no I don't believe I did. A word of caution DO NOT ask the question if you cannot handle the answer. I will continue to ask whatever questions I see fit until I don't want to any more. If she doesn't like, too bloody bad. The door swings both ways.
Author justsam Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 I can see why people would want to know, but every sordid detail? I mean the actual sex acts? What he/she did with that person, and not you. That really hurts, no? How do you get past those mental pictures?
1956cadhain Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I want to know, even after 30 years, (and then 10 years) but he refuses to talk about it. I don't feel there will ever be closure for me. He now claims he can't remember. I wish I couldn't!!
seren Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I can see why people would want to know, but every sordid detail? I mean the actual sex acts? What he/she did with that person, and not you. That really hurts, no? How do you get past those mental pictures? Because it shows it for what it was, granted all situations are different, but the total lack of intimacy, the hurried grab it when you can, is and was nothing like the intimacy H and I shared pre A and certainly nothing like post A. I did have mental pictures without the details, the details were nothing like I thought, nowhere near what I would have found desirable or acceptable. As I said before, the sex is just a small part of the A detail, a person can have sex with anyone, intimacy is a different kettle of fish. Had there been intimacy, that would have been far more difficult to hear, but my choice to hear it. However, I will add that if my H's A had been more about love, I might have had a different outlook, as it is, I find it all rather sad.
Flgirl44 Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 like seren says, it shows the A for what it is/was. I asked for this reason and also I wanted to strip any lingering positive feelings he might have had about the situation away from him by humiliating him making him recount it all. He seemed to have moments where it "clicked" how big of a jerk he was being while opening up. Kind of takes them outside themselves for a minute.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury. I wanted to know everything - from beginning to end, even how she smelled and tasted. I did not want there to be anything left between them that was secret or sacred and therefore special in some way. I wanted her laid bare and opened up like a dead frog on a dissecting table, slowly rotting and stinking as her memory faded away to nothing. I see exposing as a way to violate someone you have hatred for in a passive form of emotional violence. You are basically killing whatever was 'special' to the OP and the WP. Particularly when you hear the WP bash, insult or badmouth the OP in an effort to re-win your favor. It isn't a nice thing, or even necessarily the 'right' thing but I can 100% understand the BP's need for those details and the need to see the WP throw the OP 'under the bus' so to speak as brutally and hurtfully as possible when the BP wants to keep the relationship. Does it help? Depends on who you ask really, and what you define as 'helping'.
SadDazedConfused Posted March 28, 2011 Posted March 28, 2011 I am going through this situation right now. My husband and I both had affairs that have recently come to light. He wants to know ALL the details of what happened (where, when, how, who knew, what positions, did I orgasm even...). I am having a hard time giving him all the details, and as far as his cheating, I don't want to know the details. I think hearing how or when he f..... her, in what position and how many times, is more than I need or want to know.
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