Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Perfect sense! These are the kids, who like you and me, weren't allowed to display, nor have articulated for them, the negative emotions they experienced. Or, they were the child cajoled into telling the truth (maybe about a misdeed) and then punished for doing so. These children grow up to become the majority of clients in therapy. Why? Because suppressed negative emotions never go away....they come out one way or another. However at what point does one stop excusing inexcusable behavior? At what point does someone have to examine the why of their behavior to fix it and go forward as a better person in a relationship? I think this may be a reason we BS have such a need to know; not only do we want all the details; not only do we need to have no secrets left; we need to see a fundamental change in our fWSs ability to tell the truth and OWN their actions. No more childlike hiding behind poor coping skills! Spark, there's a lot in what you say in the context of a BS/WS that I can relate to in my own OW/MM scenario. I found it interesting. Thank you.
spice4life Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Perfect sense! These are the kids, who like you and me, weren't allowed to display, nor have articulated for them, the negative emotions they experienced. Or, they were the child cajoled into telling the truth (maybe about a misdeed) and then punished for doing so. These children grow up to become the majority of clients in therapy. Why? Because suppressed negative emotions never go away....they come out one way or another. However at what point does one stop excusing inexcusable behavior? At what point does someone have to examine the why of their behavior to fix it and go forward as a better person in a relationship? I think this may be a reason we BS have such a need to know; not only do we want all the details; not only do we need to have no secrets left; we need to see a fundamental change in our fWSs ability to tell the truth and OWN their actions. No more childlike hiding behind poor coping skills! It totally agree. One would hope that by the time the WS realizes "why" they withheld details, they also "see" what it is they were doing wrong and own it. This thread has provoked some interesting discussions. I think I will "save it to draft" for future reference...lol.
carepharmarx Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Thanks for sharing it was really good keep on posting
spice4life Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 (edited) Perfect sense! However at what point does one stop excusing inexcusable behavior? At what point does someone have to examine the why of their behavior to fix it and go forward as a better person in a relationship? I think this may be a reason we BS have such a need to know; not only do we want all the details; not only do we need to have no secrets left; we need to see a fundamental change in our fWSs ability to tell the truth and OWN their actions. No more childlike hiding behind poor coping skills! This leads me to believe that in some cases, the WS is withholding painful details because they were trained to do that as a child. They will continue to keep information to themselves until they understand "why" they are doing it and realize they have no right to. It's in their best interest to disclose if they truly want to reconcile, but giving up the goods is not going to happen until they see the motivation behind holding them in. I wanted to add another thing that just came to mind regarding the WS. In some cases there may be a double whammy, meaning they may have some fears about being abandoned if they disclose all. So they don't tell for two reasons - one because they don't want to hurt the other person and the other because they are afraid the BS will hate them and leave. They fear the backlash. By not telling they are subconsciously trying to control the outcome and eliminate the backlash. I see now how this can really jade the relationship. It immediately puts walls between the two and prevents them from finding out the true reasons the infidelity occurred in the first place. Without a full disclosure they can't speak from the heart about why they did it and work toward mending things. They just end up going in circles. Hmm...I see this now. I know this belongs in the infidelity forum, however, since it started here I guess it was okay to continue the train of thought. Edited March 12, 2011 by spice4life
Jonah Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Well, if you ever do find yourself in the spotlight, let me remind you that everything you say can and will be used against you. ...Remember Leona Bobbitt
bentnotbroken Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Well, if you ever do find yourself in the spotlight, let me remind you that everything you say can and will be used against you. ...Remember Leona Bobbitt No:confused: I don't.
mizliz Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 No:confused: I don't. Oh, she's the one who hacked off her husbands...umm...member as retaliation for his infidelity.
spice4life Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Well, if you ever do find yourself in the spotlight, let me remind you that everything you say can and will be used against you. ...Remember Leona Bobbitt Which posts are you referring too? Just curious.
cerridwen Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Hearing the details would reduce me to a crumbled heap. A murderous rage would follow. So, I simply can't trust myself to go there.
bentnotbroken Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Oh, she's the one who hacked off her husbands...umm...member as retaliation for his infidelity. Yeah that would be Lorena Bobbit..that's why I was a bit confused.
mizliz Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 Yeah that would be Lorena Bobbit..that's why I was a bit confused. Gotcha...
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