justsam Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Every single, disgusting detail. I do not regret it at all. My imagination is 10 times worse than what they did.
desertIslandCactus Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Every single, disgusting detail. I do not regret it at all. My imagination is 10 times worse than what they did. I agree. How can Anyone compete with the imagination of a woman ..
Jonah Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury. A sick part of me wants to know yes. The things I do know really stick with me though, and I don't think I need those thoughts. I am trying to imagine arranging the conversation without sounding weird. Even worse, to sound like an authoritarian. I am sure she had exciting fun... went around the block a few times. There are a plenty of web sites I can go look at for a pictorial representation of what went on. One evening before she left for her fling, she walked up to me and gave me one heck of a kiss like never before. I just stood there shocked and speechless when she went out the door. It could be said that that one kiss told me volumes of everything they did in bed. If I could change it, I wish that when she tried to come back to me, that I could have been strong enough that she could have talked to me about her affair without my getting all mad/hurt. But not even superman has such powers. I ended up treating her badly (not purposely and never violent). So in the end, after it was obvious that my heart was fubar, she often wanted to hurt me and would mention the affair... that worked quite well and I soon ran. Years have gone by and we are close friends now (kids). She is sorry and embarrassed about the whole thing and the subject of the affair depresses her. Funny, I bring it up now because it makes me feel good to see her feel bad about hurting me... she gets really quiet then changes the subject. I think my last line was something about "her putting a knife in my heart". I think I should stop doing that. NOT!
spice4life Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Well, how about this. What if you thought there were sexual details when were none? Would you still want to know then? If it meant hearing them would clear the air even if you were still too weary to believe them?
carrie999 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury. NO!!! I mean yes, I feel I'd deserve to know, but the picture that would be painted would be too much for me to handle. If I was with someone and we were going through a rough time and he kissed someone else, I'd want to know everything about her and how this situation even happened. I'd want all the details, and I'd eventually forgive. But sex with someone else? I couldn't forgive that, and unless we were married for 30+ years and had kids and even grandkids, and it happened ONCE and he was appropriately distraught about his actions, I couldn't be in love with him anymore. I would never feel fully attracted to him. And no, I wouldn't want to know the details. It wouldn't be worth the nightmares I'd have possibly forever...
OWoman Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury. There were no sexual details to know. Even if they'd had a sex life, I doubt there'd be anything interesting enough to engage my attention. My own sex life is more than fulfilling enough for me, why would I want to hear about someone else's?
desertIslandCactus Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 There were no sexual details to know. Even if they'd had a sex life, I doubt there'd be anything interesting enough to engage my attention. My own sex life is more than fulfilling enough for me, why would I want to hear about someone else's? OP talks about insult and injury, so I assumed JS was talking about divulging about outside relationships.
Rose1977 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I wanted to know everything. Everything. I dug and dug. Plus, OW was nice enough to email me so much I had to change my email address and share some *extra* details alleging he had weird fetishes. I can't call her a liar, but I can say that after years with him, he has never asked me for any of that fetish activity, and I do have a hard time believing he wanted those things with her, but whatever. Looking back, I wish I didn't know so much. But at the time (DDay was one year ago this month) I was DESPERATE to know everything. Oddly, now I don't think about it much, but at the time I was just depserate to know when, where, how they did it. I especially wanted to know what he told me he was doing when he was cheating.
OWoman Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 OP talks about insult and injury, so I assumed JS was talking about divulging about outside relationships. They never had sex, indoors or outdoors!! The OP didn't specify which Rs were being referred to, and given this thread being on the OW board, I guess it's up to us to interpret it in that context.
ver13 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you want to know the sexual details? If so why? Of those that did, do you regret it now? I just think that by divulging such things; It adds insult to injury. For me this wouldn't make a difference at all since I have been an active participant in sex for quite sometime I would assume that they did what all people do or some sort of variation of it. I think the reason people want to know is because they are feeling inadequate, I mean you find out that your partner is sleeping with someone else you start to ask yourself what am I doing wrong. What are they doing together that different from what we do? I know for me the sex part is just that sex, what I would want to know is how emotionally involved they had become. Do they love each other that would be the most important thing to find out. The underlying relationship issues are the ones masked in sex, there is always more to the sex thing then meets the eye. It's the why my partner choose to step outside of the relationship that would interest me the most. The real reasons why would be the determining factor on if I could carry on in the relationship not just the sex part of the affair.
spice4life Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 For me this wouldn't make a difference at all since I have been an active participant in sex for quite sometime I would assume that they did what all people do or some sort of variation of it. I think the reason people want to know is because they are feeling inadequate, I mean you find out that your partner is sleeping with someone else you start to ask yourself what am I doing wrong. What are they doing together that different from what we do? I know for me the sex part is just that sex, what I would want to know is how emotionally involved they had become. Do they love each other that would be the most important thing to find out. The underlying relationship issues are the ones masked in sex, there is always more to the sex thing then meets the eye. It's the why my partner choose to step outside of the relationship that would interest me the most. The real reasons why would be the determining factor on if I could carry on in the relationship not just the sex part of the affair. Totally agree with this.
Owl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 There were no sexual details to know. Even if they'd had a sex life, I doubt there'd be anything interesting enough to engage my attention. My own sex life is more than fulfilling enough for me, why would I want to hear about someone else's? I'm guessing, but to me OP's post was asking about knowing the details "of the other relationship" in the context of maintaining or rebuilding your relationship with the MM/WS. Didn't get the impression that he was talking about whether or not it was "interesting" or "engaging". Not sure why you'd see the question in the original post in that light...
OWoman Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I'm guessing, but to me OP's post was asking about knowing the details "of the other relationship" in the context of maintaining or rebuilding your relationship with the MM/WS. Didn't get the impression that he was talking about whether or not it was "interesting" or "engaging". Not sure why you'd see the question in the original post in that light... why else would OWs or OMs want to know the details of their MM / MWs sex life, if it wasn't interesting or engaging?
ver13 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Totally agree with this. I have alway's been amazed at what people feel are important when they find out that their partner has been out there for a minute. IMO the details of the affair will never truly be known to you because your partner will never tell you the whole truth. If I did it I know that I wouldn't lay out all the fact's unless I really didn't care about my W in the first place than I guess we would never have been M because I wouldn't have proposed to her. One thing is for sure M means a whole lot of different things to a lot of different folks. An the sex part is just as complicated when you look at two people living together for any amount of time. But the level of itimacy that we share with other people outside of the primary relationship is the true indicator of whether the relationship will survive or die. The sex part of an A is but a small and I do mean very small part of personal issues that your cheating S is having unless they are a sex addict. In which case that in it's self speaks of a lack of impulse control and major relationship itimacy issues that need to be resolved.
Owl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) Hmmm...well from what I've seen from my time on here...there are any number of reasons. None of which were because they were getting some kind of "purient interest" from it. Frankly...I've never seen anyone look at it from an "engaging" mindset before, although the subject has come up here in the past. Normally it's the usual kinds of things...whether or not he's telling the truth about what actually goes on in the home/with her, wondering if he is different with the spouse than he is with her, etc... Same thing that tends to happen between spouses in a marriage that tries to recover after infidelity...there's often the deep need to understand exactly what went on in the affair relationship by the BS. Not "interest" or "engaged" by the details. But a need to understand what's really going on/how the relationships compare. Common occurrence both on the OW/OM and the BW/BH sides. Edited March 11, 2011 by Owl
2sure Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Withholding details from a BS who wants to hear them is a continuation of the betrayal and will only make the BS continue to to feel insecure, violated, and distant. For a WS to say to themselves that they are withholding details because they will be painful to BS or because they are not important to WS... Thats not up to WS. Its not your turn to make decisions for BS anymore regarding the infidelity. You did not protect BS during the affair...what makes you think you can do so now? For some BS getting the details makes them a knowledgeable participant in something that was done to them as opposed to remaining an unknowing victim. For others, they dont need the details because they get it. Full disclosure is necessary, painful or not, for spouses that want to move forward together.
herenow Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 As strange as it sounds, the more I found out about the sex part of the affair, the easier I found it to reconcile. When my H told me that they had sex every time they met (outside of work), it helped me understand and get past any confusion I had about the OW. Now, had they sat and talked for hours and hours, that would have been a bigger problem for me. So, knowing the details about the sex was a large part of being able to move forward.
OWoman Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Hmmm...well from what I've seen from my time on here...there are any number of reasons. None of which were because they were getting some kind of "purient interest" from it. Frankly...I've never seen anyone look at it from an "engaging" mindset before, although the subject has come up here in the past. Normally it's the usual kinds of things...whether or not he's telling the truth about what actually goes on in the home/with her, wondering if he is different with the spouse than he is with her, etc... Same thing that tends to happen between spouses in a marriage that tries to recover after infidelity...there's often the deep need to understand exactly what went on in the affair relationship by the BS. Not "interest" or "engaged" by the details. But a need to understand what's really going on/how the relationships compare. Common occurrence both on the OW/OM and the BW/BH sides. Ah. That didn't occur to me. I guess for those who have no other means of knowing, perhaps it does shed some kind of light...? IDK, I'm not sure it would - if your only source was someone who was highly invested in portraying things a certain way, why would you believe them? The only information it would give you would be what they WANT you to see / think / believe, IMO. Maybe I'm just more cynical than most.
Owl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 We've seen from numerous posts here that it's not at all uncommon for MM to lie about the state of the marriage/relationship with the spouse in order to keep the OW enaged/involved in the affair. Often, eventually some OW begin to suspect this might be the case, and that's why they may ask for 'details' about what's going on. After seeing this same thread in the infidelity side, I believe the OP actually intended this as a question about BS's wanting to know the 'details' of what went on in the affair. In those cases, typically the BS is asking for the "truth"...which because of how they're typically deceived during the affair, they're now seeking the truth when the WS is (apparently) now agreeing to tell the truth as an effort to reconcile. I wouldn't believe that it's at all common for anyone who's engaged in relationship with someone to request the "details" of their other relationship out of simply "interest" or whether they find it "engaging" or not. Most are far from gaining any kind of enjoyment or entertainment out of the information...on the contrary, they're typically deeply hurt but at least glad that they're finally getting the truth of the situation.
spice4life Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Withholding details from a BS who wants to hear them is a continuation of the betrayal and will only make the BS continue to to feel insecure, violated, and distant. For a WS to say to themselves that they are withholding details because they will be painful to BS or because they are not important to WS... Thats not up to WS. Its not your turn to make decisions for BS anymore regarding the infidelity. You did not protect BS during the affair...what makes you think you can do so now? For some BS getting the details makes them a knowledgeable participant in something that was done to them as opposed to remaining an unknowing victim. For others, they dont need the details because they get it. Full disclosure is necessary, painful or not, for spouses that want to move forward together. Thanks for posting this, it makes so much sense. Good stuff!
spice4life Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 For a WS to say to themselves that they are withholding details because they will be painful to BS or because they are not important to WS... Thats not up to WS. Its not your turn to make decisions for BS anymore regarding the infidelity. You did not protect BS during the affair...what makes you think you can do so now? I want to speak to the statement in bold for a second. You are very right, it is not up to the WS to determine what the BS needs to know. However, their fear that the details may be too painful for the BS may not be a conscious one with evil intentions. It may be a coping mechanism they learned as a child. I just recently learned that about myself. Children don't want to see their parents hurt, so they will withhold information if they feel it is painful. My parents could only handle positive emotions and nothing else. So, as a child, I was taught to withhold hurt, anger and sadness because I didn't want to hurt my parents. I saw that those types of emotions pained them. I do the same thing as an adult! Well...until just recently. This leads me to believe that in some cases, the WS is withholding painful details because they were trained to do that as a child. They will continue to keep information to themselves until they understand "why" they are doing it and realize they have no right to. It's in their best interest to disclose if they truly want to reconcile, but giving up the goods is not going to happen until they see the motivation behind holding them in. Does this make sense?
Summer Breeze Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 When I was a BS I was not looking to reconcile so I was in the camp that what they did made no difference. He cheated on me and it was done. When I was an OW I had no interest in their sex life. There were a few times he was feeling jealous and wanted to know more about mine so would throw these random things out. I'd stop him and remind him my private moments with someone else didn't involve him. Each dday his W and I spoke and she basically confirmed all of the things he had managed to say about it. OP if you had wanted to have BS input this should have been on the infidelity board. I don't know your previous posts so I'm not saying you specifically put this post here to cause an issue but I think it could do and I'd hope in the future you might think a little bit about who your target audience is and where you can find them.
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Every single, disgusting detail. I do not regret it at all. My imagination is 10 times worse than what they did. That sums up how I felt in my long-term relationship with a sporadic cheater.
Spark1111 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I want to speak to the statement in bold for a second. You are very right, it is not up to the WS to determine what the BS needs to know. However, their fear that the details may be too painful for the BS may not be a conscious one with evil intentions. It may be a coping mechanism they learned as a child. I just recently learned that about myself. Children don't want to see their parents hurt, so they will withhold information if they feel it is painful. My parents could only handle positive emotions and nothing else. So, as a child, I was taught to withhold hurt, anger and sadness because I didn't want to hurt my parents. I saw that those types of emotions pained them. I do the same thing as an adult! Well...until just recently. This leads me to believe that in some cases, the WS is withholding painful details because they were trained to do that as a child. They will continue to keep information to themselves until they understand "why" they are doing it and realize they have no right to. It's in their best interest to disclose if they truly want to reconcile, but giving up the goods is not going to happen until they see the motivation behind holding them in. Does this make sense? Perfect sense! These are the kids, who like you and me, weren't allowed to display, nor have articulated for them, the negative emotions they experienced. Or, they were the child cajoled into telling the truth (maybe about a misdeed) and then punished for doing so. These children grow up to become the majority of clients in therapy. Why? Because suppressed negative emotions never go away....they come out one way or another. However at what point does one stop excusing inexcusable behavior? At what point does someone have to examine the why of their behavior to fix it and go forward as a better person in a relationship? I think this may be a reason we BS have such a need to know; not only do we want all the details; not only do we need to have no secrets left; we need to see a fundamental change in our fWSs ability to tell the truth and OWN their actions. No more childlike hiding behind poor coping skills!
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