OliveOyl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 This is more oriented toward those who are 40ish and over. We've been separated over a year. It's amicable but reconciliation is highly unlikely (especially as he now has a GF). So STBX and I have been discussing filing the divorce paperwork. I'm fine with moving ahead, emotionally speaking. But no matter how we look at it, making things "official" will be a very very big cost financially mainly due to such things as health insurance. We have already informally figured out custody and a form of "spousal support." We are on the same page. Yet I have suggested a legal separation instead based solely on financial reasons. Personally, I have no desire to get married again in the short term (or maybe ever). Eventually, I would like to start dating again. Would you date a person who is legally separated but not officially divorced?
Anxiety Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I started dating my exgf when she was only separated....and it was before there was a legal separation agreement....that didn't come until 8 months after I started seeing her. I don't know why the state makes people wait that long.
D-Lish Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 When I was separated, I dated- but some of the men I dated had a hard time with my status. I was in my early 30's at that time. I had no children, so I think that made it slightly easier. When I look back, I remember believing I was ready to date, but in hindsight, I wasn't ready and I ended up hurting a few people while in the process of getting my act together. Given that you're in your 40's, most men that you date will most likely be in the same boat. Divorce and separation are a common theme in that age group.
carhill Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Here's what some of the ladies of LS told me when I asked a related question From the anecdotes I shared in this thread, if applicable at the more general level, you will have no worries. Dating while separated is one of many options a woman will entertain, as there are many men who are not interested in the marital dynamic, if verbalized as 'separated', but rather companionship, intimacy and sex, with the latter being the motivator for their 'flexibility'. Enjoy
Author OliveOyl Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Thanks for the responses. Carhill, that was good reading, thanks for the link to your former thread. I don't know if I'm ready or not yet, the thought of online dating (since I don't meet people in my regular day-to-day routine) is about as exciting as the thought of eating raw oysters... in other words... icky. But I'm not ready to turn into a cat lady... soo...
Imajerk17 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) No. (1) You're still legally married. Enough said. (2) Too much drama, from you not really being ready to date, to not really knowing whether someone is really separated or is just sneaking around behind the husband's back. I don't need the drama of trying to find out. Whenever women online who are separated contact me, I block them. Perfectly serious. Edited March 11, 2011 by Imajerk17
Stung Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I'm a bit under the quoted age range, but if I were dating I think I'd be wary of somebody who was separated. I'd consider seeing them casually/socially, but to be honest I'd think twice about getting seriously involved. I know myself well enough to know I'd eventually have emotional trouble with the idea that somebody I loved was still tied, legally, financially and symbolically, with somebody else. In addition a lot of the people I've known who were separated and dating really had no business dating yet, as they were not yet emotionally ready for it. There are plenty of people out there who would be unfazed, however.
sunshinegirl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I dated a guy who was separated, and while he represented to me that they were just lazy about filing the paperwork to get the divorce done, in truth he wasn't ready to file for divorce, and they were entertaining the idea of reconciliation (even though he told me they weren't!). So I would not in good conscience advise anyone I cared about to get involved with someone who is living in this limbo state of separation. OP, keep in mind that for anything other than a ONS or a fling, questions about your trustworthiness, honesty, and transparency about the ongoing contact with the ex will likely be in play for the other person. (A long-ish reply to essentially agree with Stung and Imajerk.)
carhill Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 In California, being 'legally separated' entails about the same kind of legal work and court filings as being 'divorced', with the difference being that the legally separated parties can't legally remarry until they are divorced. Matters of property, support, custody, etc, are settled and/or bifurcated in the legal separation. IMO, if a woman showed me the Cali court docket for a completed legal separation, it would carry the same intent and weight as a divorce, provided other signs of finality were apparent, generally in the areas of emotion, focus and co-parenting (as applicable).
Author OliveOyl Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Yes that's why I said "legal" separation not just "separated." I assume with a legal separation one could actually provide the paperwork to anyone who things are getting serious with. Basically the difference between a divorce and a legal separation for us would mean: not being able to marry again (not an issue for either of us for quite a while) and several hundreds a month in health insurance (definitely an issue for us). Obama's health care reforms can't come quickly enough, but that's an entirely different topic.
Banker Chick Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 When I look back, I remember believing I was ready to date, but in hindsight, I wasn't ready and I ended up hurting a few people while in the process of getting my act together. No, for exactly this reason. I look back now and realize even when I was freshly divorced I STILL wasn't ready to date. Crap, I probably wasn't ready for the first couple years! I know there are exceptions to every rule but I have to admit it's something that's a dealbreaker for me.
Author OliveOyl Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Given that there wasn't ANY emotional or physical intimacy in the marriage for a number of years *before* we separated, as well as very little drama (it was the icy kind of breakdown, not fiery kind), I would say I'm probably ready to date. Admittedly, the process of dating is uninspiring and always was to me even before I met my stbx. But open for a relationship, yes. So I guess it really varies depending upon what happened in the marriage and why. Obviously if one is going through great emotional ups and downs or thinks all people of the desired gender "suck"...then they're not ready. But otherwise how would you know you're ready unless you get out there? I don't believe there should be a prescribed "number of months/years" or fixed "waiting period" because every situation is SO different.
EasyHeart Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Would you date a person who is legally separated but not officially divorced?No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!!
Anxiety Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 The drawback to being with a separated woman was that the number one topic of discussion was her soon to be exhusband. We were together for 13 months and not a day went by that she didn't complain about him. She would ask we why he did the things he did and then get upset with me because I couldn't give her an answer.
Author OliveOyl Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Okay... auugh. I am filling out a profile for OKCupid. These are the three options: Single, Seeing Someone, or Married. There is no "Separated" or even "Divorced" option. Should I explain my status up front in the profile (separated and in the process of filing some form of paperwork) or only after there is an interaction with someone?
carhill Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Well, as the post I linked indicated, one is married until they are divorced/legally separated, so go with that in your ad. Explain as you feel necessary. IMO and IME it won't impact your 'chances' that significantly, since you're likely not looking for a serious LTR right now anyway, rather some enjoyable social interaction. The serious LTR guys will avoid you and the 'fun' guys will understand. It all works out
aerogurl87 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 I'm not in the age range you asked for but my answer would be a hell to the no! Separated in my mind means "I'm in limbo and can go either way". Divorce is final, means you are done for good. Separated means you think you're going to leave, but haven't actually done so yet. So until the ink is dried on the divorce papers for at least a good year, I would not date someone who had been married previously. Not to mention that someone who is separated is still legally married and I wouldn't want to feel like I'm their rebound to rebuild their self confidence for the dating world.
Author OliveOyl Posted March 12, 2011 Author Posted March 12, 2011 Separated in my mind means "I'm in limbo and can go either way". Divorce is final, means you are done for good. Separated means you think you're going to leave, but haven't actually done so yet. I wish it was like that. Separated in my mind means: I can still have health insurance while taking care of my disabled child in case of any emergency. Divorce means having to either risk going uninsured (not really acceptable having a dependent), or spending so much on health insurance and related services that all my savings will be depleted in a few short years. (I'm self-employed.)
carhill Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Yep, nothing is black and white. I'd put married, briefly explain, and let the chips fall where they may. Being married legally, even if 'done', and having a disabled child will affect the size of your dating pool, but at least it will be an honest and healthy pool. That was the gist of what I got from the advice I received. Also, I've been lied to about relationship status a few times ('separated' women who didn't reveal they were married) while becoming emotionally attached, so I can vouch for how this makes a man feel, and it's not pleasant. At our age, we've seen a lot of life and know the grays. Good luck
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