Titania22 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Hey Guys, After the threads of last week, and the 4months of putting myself out there, I am tired. As some of you will know, I have flip flopped from wanting casual sex, to wanting a relationship, to accepting an agreement for just sex, etc. And all up I would say that being a bit of a ho, just not been all it's cracked up to be. Sure I know catergorically that if I wanted and was prepared to do NSA ONS sex, sure no problem, but I'm not. I have learnt through the forum, and in real life how low interest level on the part of the man is a big deal, that guys will agree to have sex (once) with women they have very low interest in, despite the fact they aren't really turned on by her at all. So the whole argument on ls that women should make more of an effort to ask out men is redundant, because if a guy with low interest in a woman will ask her out, what does that say about the interest level of the guy who can't even be bothered to ask the woman out. So anyway, it just seems like time to pull back and regroup. I have pulled down my online profile, and have even decided to take a break from my philosophy group (which I know I loved, but truthfully I don't want to see that guy again anytime soon (the one i thought was a friend until he hit on me)). I am thankful to be here at ls, and I enjoy reading the posts, alot of the men here really crack me up, and it's good because my pulling back is really going to limit how much contact I have with men in real life. I may feel recharged next week, or it may take longer. My game plan for University in august as it stands, is to make sure I look my best, be friendly but non sexual with the guys I will meet, and focus on my studies (so as not to get too worked up sexually). (It's a lovely ideal plan, and not necessarily 1 I would have the willpower to stick to.)
Leeway Harris Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Good luck, and "on yer" for being self-aware enough to know when you need to take a break. (Did I say that right? Practicing my 'Strainisms.)
fishtaco Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 So the whole argument on ls that women should make more of an effort to ask out men is redundant, because if a guy with low interest in a woman will ask her out, what does that say about the interest level of the guy who can't even be bothered to ask the woman out. I think you're understanding the dynamics incorrectly. Asking someone out is like sticking your neck out. Your ego is on the chopping block. The only type of men that can do it continuously are players, because they have trained themselves to be immune to this. Normal guys have insecurities, and they would like to scope out the situation as much as possible before they ask. The threshold is different for different people. So sometimes, a man could be interested, but he won't ask because he hasn't gotten enough "green light". So interest level isn't connected that way. You never know until you ask. This is a truth that I, as man that has to do the asking all the time, have found out. The low interest/sex thing just means when you get into a dating situation, doesn't matter who asked who or how it got started, don't use sex to gauge anything. I've mentioned before in other posts, people give sex too much power. It's an activity. Don't read too much into it. Don't expect magic from it. It means there's enough physical attraction, and that's it. But enough physical attraction is like only the baseline of a romantic relationship. By itself it means nothing. But you need things to be at least there for anything romantic to develop on top of that. So I feel these are two different topics and have nothing to do with each other. As for taking a break. I do that all the time. I can only keep up the dating for a few months at a time. During that time I'll be actively replenishing my multi dating roster, should any of them disappear. Then I'll hit a wall (my own mental wall) and I'll be sick and tired of all this dating BS, and I'll coast until all my multi dating partners fade away, then do nothing. Until I recover. Then I'll try again.
daphne Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I feel ya sister. I've let my online profile lapse and it's about over. I need a break. I dated more than I can take and I think the sowing my dating oats is out of my system. At least for now. For me, I'm tired of the constant effort it requires and little reward/return. A lot of these guys are looking for an ego stroke and or sex. Very, very few are truly interested and ready for a relationship. And those 2 guys I didn't have enough attraction and in common to make that happen. I thought about settling for the one I liked, cos he was a great guy. But I couldn't do it. I could use a little retail therapy to help me get over it.
Author Titania22 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Good luck, and "on yer" for being self-aware enough to know when you need to take a break. (Did I say that right? Practicing my 'Strainisms.) Thankyou. I always aim to be self aware. I think you're understanding the dynamics incorrectly. Asking someone out is like sticking your neck out. Your ego is on the chopping block. The only type of men that can do it continuously are players, because they have trained themselves to be immune to this. Normal guys have insecurities, and they would like to scope out the situation as much as possible before they ask. The threshold is different for different people. So sometimes, a man could be interested, but he won't ask because he hasn't gotten enough "green light". So interest level isn't connected that way. You never know until you ask. This is a truth that I, as man that has to do the asking all the time, have found out. The low interest/sex thing just means when you get into a dating situation, doesn't matter who asked who or how it got started, don't use sex to gauge anything. I've mentioned before in other posts, people give sex too much power. It's an activity. Don't read too much into it. Don't expect magic from it. It means there's enough physical attraction, and that's it. But enough physical attraction is like only the baseline of a romantic relationship. By itself it means nothing. But you need things to be at least there for anything romantic to develop on top of that. So I feel these are two different topics and have nothing to do with each other. As for taking a break. I do that all the time. I can only keep up the dating for a few months at a time. During that time I'll be actively replenishing my multi dating roster, should any of them disappear. Then I'll hit a wall (my own mental wall) and I'll be sick and tired of all this dating BS, and I'll coast until all my multi dating partners fade away, then do nothing. Until I recover. Then I'll try again. I am listening fishtaco and trying to understand. And you caught me trying to use sex to guage a mans interest level, I'm guilty as charged. (Note to self: A man being completely soft after 15mins of making out and groping, does not mean he has low interest.) I think however them refusing to contact me again or respond when I contact them does indicate low interest. Ok I know I did of this stuff wrong, and I know you are saying don't give sex so much power. (Which is kind of why I need to step back for a minute and try to really get it, before throwing myself back out there.) It was suggested on another thread that some women go have sex with 60guys in the hope 1 will stick around. I am so not going to do that, there has to be a more intelligent way of finding a man who is interested in hanging around. Some of the girls here suggested on 1 of my other threads, not being so easy with the sex. And I am taking that to heart. Fish do you agree or disagree with the girls suggestions? As far as me giving "green light", to a guy, I don't think I have ever been too reserved in letting any guy I was interested in know it. Is it really wrong to think, that if I have been really obvious (and I know girls say they are obvious when they aren't, but I assure you I am not one of them) about my interest, that if a guy was similarly interested he wouldn't find the courage to ask me out. You see I worry, that when I am so forward, that men feel a little emasculated by me, i know i can be quite intimidating. I want to find the right balance. When should I take control? and when should I back off and let men feel like their men? I am sorry if I have misunderstood your post or overlooked something. I have reread it several times, and think I might be starting to grasp what you are saying. I just got the part about low interest being once in a dating situation, and I can't say for all my interactions I have been finding myself in a dating situation. I don't think I really know how to get a guy to actually date me. I don't know how girls get to go on multiple dates with guys, all guys I have ever dated (baring the guy i made friends with), all put the sex cards on the table during the first date. I don't know how other girls negotiate that one in such a way that they don't have sex straight away and don't get written off straight away. I feel ya sister. I've let my online profile lapse and it's about over. I need a break. I dated more than I can take and I think the sowing my dating oats is out of my system. At least for now. For me, I'm tired of the constant effort it requires and little reward/return. A lot of these guys are looking for an ego stroke and or sex. Very, very few are truly interested and ready for a relationship. And those 2 guys I didn't have enough attraction and in common to make that happen. I thought about settling for the one I liked, cos he was a great guy. But I couldn't do it. I could use a little retail therapy to help me get over it. The bolded is basically what I have come across. I was approached by 3 guys since November (plus the unpleasant comeon from a guy friend), and all other experiences were men I had approached, either in real life or on the dating site. Out of it, I have 1 new guy friend (he messaged me), and they were all dead set against relationships, and most communicated FWB desire, but the reality was they just went for ONS and moved on, oh and 1 guy wanted me to pay him for sex.
fishtaco Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Well, here's my take. I'm no expert, this is from some random internet guy named after a food item. So use your own judgment. Regarding interest level. Men and women mis-communicate all the time. Unless you spell it out exactly, very often what's obvious to one isn't to the other. So if you're getting lots of options by sitting pretty, keep doing that. Heck if I had women hitting up on me all the time I'd stop doing the asking. It's just a lot easier when you don't have to stick your neck out. But, if you're not getting the results you want, why not try asking out men? It's scary, it's more work, your ego is on the line, but you get to choose your target. Yes some men would feel emasculated if you ask them out. But do you want to be with men like that? Next thing you know, you make more money than they do, and they flip out. Or you ran a marathon and they can't, so they throw a tantrum. Instead of being afraid you'll intimidate men, how about find a man that won't be intimidated by you? For example, I'm not a player. I want LTR. But some women think I'm a player, because I multi date, I throw my charm around (when I'm in the mood for it), I have no problem with casual sex, I flirt with all single women, including ones I'm not interested in. So instead of being afraid that I'll scare away women (and I do scare away some), I just stick to my guns and I find ones that are fine with just the way I am. And I get women with low interest levels all the time. They fade away after exchanging numbers or maybe after a couple of weeks. The important thing with people of low interest is you need to detect them ASAP. Then you cut them off, why waste time? As long as you didn't over invest emotionally, who cares? Next. Doesn't matter how you slice it and dice it, dating is a number game. Regarding sex. You are STILL giving sex too much power. Either trying to have it or trying to not have it, is to treat this activity as if it's a holy grail of some sort. The fact is, if you and the guy happened to have great chemistry, and you both are compatible, and you both want the same thing, then you could start with a one night stand, and things will work out anyway. If things aren't going to work out, no matter how many times you have sex, or how long you wait to have sex, it's not going to work out anyway. Sex should happen when you are both comfortable, but it should happen without assumption that this will lead to something, or you can "rope in" the guy with it, or it's a "prize" of some sort for the guy to earn. It should happen just for it's own sake. Which is also why I disagree with the have sex with 60 men, see which one sticks around method. Sex won't make them stick around. If she enjoys sex, then by all means, please, have a good time. But other than satisfying her sexual needs, the sex has no other capabilities. It won't help her select a good man, it's not a good filter (well, it's good only for filtering out people that are not sexually compatible), it won't help her keep a good man. Sex is just sex. The girl I'm with right now, we had sex on the 2nd date. She was worried that I'll think she's a slut or something, and had to explain to me how she normally doesn't do this ...etc. The thing is, if a man subscribes to this double standard, then I would argue he's not worth dating. I was right there with her, willing partner to this "crime", so afterward I'm going to point my finger at her? That's just pathetically hypocritical. It just so happened that we also have good chemistry together, so I'm serious with her enough that I even stopped multi dating for her. But let's say the spark wasn't there, well, then I'd still be multi dating, or maybe I would have ended things with her. Sex or no sex, doesn't make any difference. So I would say there are better things to worry about, like looking for red flags, than worry about to have sex or not. Two thing I feel are very important. 1) how do they behave when drunk. 2) how do they behave under stress/negative situation. Given the short period of time for dating, you can never learn everything about a person. So it will be a guess anyway. But if you watch how they are under the two circumstances above, that information is way more important than "when to have sex". So far she passed 1). She got a little wild, but was not unmanageable. 2) I haven't had an opportunity to observe yet, we haven't gotten mad at each other over anything so far. We'll see.
Author Titania22 Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Thanks for elaborating Fishtaco (is that really a type of food where you live?), it makes perfect sense now.
fishtaco Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Thanks for elaborating Fishtaco (is that really a type of food where you live?), it makes perfect sense now. Yeah. you make a taco, except instead of chicken, beef, pork, or whatever, you use fish! It's quite tasty when done right.
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