pineapples Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I am extremely upset and sad and the same time. But I am going to make this long story short. I found out today that: 1. My bf went out with another woman (to cinema). 2. He invited her and another (elderly) woman to his home for dinner on another day. My queston is: If you are a man (he is in his late 30s), would you do this simply out of friendliness? Please don't tell me to dump him and that I am being an idiot for being with him, I am already feeling pretty much like ****.
tfkizzle Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Why did you "find out"? If he didn't come right out and tell you that he was going to the movies, and invite you along, that's pretty shady.
PratyekaYana Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 My queston is: If you are a man (he is in his late 30s), would you do this simply out of friendliness?Based on the details that you've provided thus far, and the bias that I naturally carry as one who maintains friendships with members of the opposite sex, I don't feel that your boyfriend is unquestionably at fault in this situation. He took another woman to the cinema (which, by my estimation, is perfectly innocent unless otherwise proven) and invited that same woman to dinner in the company of another guest. These are reasonable actions within the context of platonic relationships. Of course, this isn't to say that there aren't details of this situation that concern me. For starters, what necessitated you "finding out" about your boyfriend's actions as opposed to him simply coming forward? Is he guilty of a lie by omission? Also, are his actions consistent with what you known his character to be? Does he have opposite-sex friendships already established, or is this woman a sudden and unexpected detour in that direction?
Author pineapples Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 Why did you "find out"? If he didn't come right out and tell you that he was going to the movies, and invite you along, that's pretty shady. Thanks tfkizzle. I see your point, but you know I don't control his life or anything. I don't expect him to tell me if he goes somewhere every single time, we don't even see each other every day. But today I accidentally found this out and I am really shocked and heartbroken. Unfortunately I can't talk to him, because he is on a trip this week. So I am asking is it possible that a man does this out of friendliness???? Or does it indicate that he is looking for something with her...?
tfkizzle Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Thanks tfkizzle. I see your point, but you know I don't control his life or anything. I don't expect him to tell me if he goes somewhere every single time, we don't even see each other every day. But today I accidentally found this out and I am really shocked and heartbroken. Unfortunately I can't talk to him, because he is on a trip this week. So I am asking is it possible that a man does this out of friendliness???? Or does it indicate that he is looking for something with her...? Knowing who his friends are and what he's up to is not controlling him. It's called being in a relationship. How did you "accidentally" find out? Why can't you talk to him? Doesn't he have a phone? Of course it's possible, but my point is that it's weird that you "found out".
Author pineapples Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Based on the details that you've provided thus far, and the bias that I naturally carry as one who maintains friendships with members of the opposite sex, I don't feel that your boyfriend is unquestionably at fault in this situation. He took another woman to the cinema (which, by my estimation, is perfectly innocent unless otherwise proven) and invited that same woman to dinner in the company of another guest. These are reasonable actions within the context of platonic relationships. Of course, this isn't to say that there aren't details of this situation that concern me. For starters, what necessitated you "finding out" about your boyfriend's actions as opposed to him simply coming forward? Is he guilty of a lie by omission? Also, are his actions consistent with what you known his character to be? Does he have opposite-sex friendships already established, or is this woman a sudden and unexpected detour in that direction? Thank you for great questions. My head hurts so bad right now, I can't think and your questions really make me think about some things. The problem is that it can be that he is completely innocent (see your 1st paragraph). BUT he is also a very handsome man with a lot of women running after him and therefore his ego is quite big (too big in my opinion, plus he is absolutely used to women chasing him all the time - I can deal with it). About 6 months ago we had a serious conversation and he told me we are exclusive as far as he is concerned, and he hasn't been with anyone since we got together. I believed him and trusted him, well, at least until now. Like I said, I have my own life and so does he, I do not want to know about his every step. BUT, I am still NOT going with a male friend to cinema, and I would never invite a male friend to my home for dinner. I think it would indicate I am interested in being with them (unless they are gay, of course). Am I wrong about this??? Okay, now let me correct myself. I would probably invite one man, my ex bf, who is like a brother to me now. But other than him, NO!! Even if someone invited me to a cinema to go with them as friends, I don't think I would go - I would rather go by myself. Anyway, I am kind of surprised that he did this, and I am wondering how common it is. Is it a usual thing for a man his age to do this?? I am 10 years younger by the way, so I wouldn't know, I know that he is different from men my age in so many (good) ways. To answer your question (what necessitated you "finding out" about your boyfriend's actions as opposed to him simply coming forward?), well that is what I am asking myself too: is he hiding something? this is why I am asking is it common for a man to do this, OR, not so common, and therefore he should have told me?
Author pineapples Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Knowing who his friends are and what he's up to is not controlling him. It's called being in a relationship.". Yeah, that's true! So you think it is shady? So do I, I guess I just needed confirmation from people here. How did you "accidentally" find out? Why can't you talk to him? Doesn't he have a phone? Of course it's possible, but my point is that it's weird that you "found out". This is how the "finding out" happened: Today after work I went shopping and met this ex-colleague in the store. I haven't seen her for about 6 months, but she is a very nice lady and I was glad to see her. She has kids my age and I absolutely love her, so we decided to have a coffee together. I was just interested in what was going on with my ex-colleagues, and what happened since I left work. Also, the lady LOVES to talk and gossip, and I was in a mood to have a chat with her. Now here is the IMPORTANT part: This lady ALSO knows my BF through family. BUT she has no idea that we are dating (although she knows we know each other) !!!!! Of course, me and my BF both know that we have a friend in common. Anyway, I sit with her, and think, yeah, maybe I should tell her NOW that her family friend is my BF now, how funny is that, when she suddenly says: "Remember that good friend of mine who used to drop me to work all the time... Amanda? Remember her?" I say "yeah...?" She says "Remember my cousin's wife's younger brother, Anthony?" I say "yeah..?" BUT I mean "WTF??????" (because she is talking about my BF now!!) She says: "They went to cinema together last week... and blah blah blah" So I am like: "???????????????" She goes on saying: "and yeah blah blah blah, and my sister is pregnant again, and my nephew had a surgery recently..." While I sit there in shock! After a few minutes I ask her to repeat what she just said, and I simply told her that Anthony is my boyfriend now and that I am a little surprised by all this. Well, she was surprised too, but not that much. She was like, "oh, really???" So I asked her if she was sure it was him and not somebody else. She said yes, and added that she is sure nothing is happening between them, well except the dinner thing... etc etc. So I know it is awkward but this is what happened!!!!! Then we just talked for another 10 mins and said goodbye.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Okay, now let me correct myself. I would probably invite one man, my ex bf, who is like a brother to me now. But other than him, NO!! Even if someone invited me to a cinema to go with them as friends, I don't think I would go - I would rather go by myself. ....is he hiding something? ....is it common for a man to do this, OR, not so common, and therefore he should have told me? OK, so you said yourself, you would invite your EX BF, who is like a brother now. I get that. You would certainly never be sexually intimate with someone who who consider as a brother. Fair enough. But just for a second, think about that from your current BF's point of view. How is he to know you truly think of him as a brother... Would he not be within his rights to suspect something more???? I am just trying to be the devil's advocate, nothing more; ie, man and women can have TRULY platonic relationships, no? As far as is he hiding anything, that's more for you to figure out than anyone else. Now, on the question if it is common or not, and as to if he should have told you. In my humble opinion, no, it's not common. If I am in a mutually exclusive BF/GF relationship, I would invite my partner to be present if a member of the opposite sex is visiting the cinema with me, and/or my home. That again, doesn't mean that your BF is hiding something. He may be different than me, or even different than the majority. The bottom line here is that some significant communication and/or some setting of boundaries that needs to happen, especially if the two of you are planning on continuing your relationship for any length of time... Good Luck, I think you'll need it!
tfkizzle Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Maybe Anthony thinks of Amanda as his sister? It sounds like you two have boundary issues.
PratyekaYana Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Thank you for great questions. My head hurts so bad right now, I can't think and your questions really make me think about some things. You're very welcome. The problem is that it can be that he is completely innocent (see your 1st paragraph). BUT he is also a very handsome man with a lot of women running after him and therefore his ego is quite big (too big in my opinion, plus he is absolutely used to women chasing him all the time - I can deal with it). Look carefully at the rationale that you're using to justify your suspicion in this situation. Your boyfriend is a very handsome and attractive man with many romantic prospects in his periphery. He, as a result of his appeal to women, has developed a substantial ego and a certain comfort in being pursued. It therefore follows that the woman that accompanied him to the cinema is romantically linked to him in some fashion. That's shaky logic. There's too much unaccounted for. Your boyfriend could be up to something, but you have no evidence outside of the chain of reason that I posted above. Maybe your boyfriend used his charm and looks to reel this woman into an inappropriate relationship, or maybe he's innocently entertaining her as a friend while she has other designs for the relationship. Maybe he's aware of her designs but has chosen to disregard them because they feed his ego. Who knows? It's all conjecture, though, until you verify with concrete facts. About 6 months ago we had a serious conversation and he told me we are exclusive as far as he is concerned, and he hasn't been with anyone since we got together. I believed him and trusted him, well, at least until now. Again, is there any evidence that he has violated his claim to exclusivity with you? Like I said, I have my own life and so does he, I do not want to know about his every step. BUT, I am still NOT going with a male friend to cinema, and I would never invite a male friend to my home for dinner. I think it would indicate I am interested in being with them (unless they are gay, of course). Am I wrong about this??? You're not wrong, and neither is the individual who holds an opinion that is opposite to yours. Different people acknowledge different boundaries after they've entered into exclusive relationships. For you, the idea of having male company in the way that you described is unacceptable, but, for another, it may be entirely innocuous. Have you and your boyfriend discussed what you both feel is acceptable in a committed relationship? Anyway, I am kind of surprised that he did this, and I am wondering how common it is. Is it a usual thing for a man his age to do this?? I am 10 years younger by the way, so I wouldn't know, I know that he is different from men my age in so many (good) ways. Stop looking at him as an aggregate. It may or may not be common behavior for men his age, but that doesn't necessarily inform you of his behavior specifically. Deal with the details that you possess relating to him and him alone in drawing your conclusions. To answer your question (what necessitated you "finding out" about your boyfriend's actions as opposed to him simply coming forward?), well that is what I am asking myself too: is he hiding something? this is why I am asking is it common for a man to do this, OR, not so common, and therefore he should have told me? If there was absolutely nothing to hide, I imagine that he would have brought up his social encounter with the woman in casual conversation as just a rehash of what he's done since the time you last saw him. I mean, I routinely tell my significant other of whatever I've been up to (even if it includes social contact with my female friends) simply because it doesn't register for me not to. It's just a detail of time spent.
Author pineapples Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 OK' date=' so you said yourself, you would invite your EX BF, who is like a brother now. I get that. You would certainly never be sexually intimate with someone who who consider as a brother. Fair enough. But just for a second, think about that from your current BF's point of view. How is he to know you truly think of him as a brother... Would he not be within his rights to suspect something more???? I am just trying to be the devil's advocate, nothing more; ie, man and women can have TRULY platonic relationships, no?[/quote'] Maybe Anthony thinks of Amanda as his sister?? Good point guys, and I know (She's_NotInLove_w/Me) what you mean, BUT here is a thing: The fact that I consider my ex bf as a brother is due to dating him for about 5 years (living together for 2), and after break up helping him to recover from his addiction etc. In other words, we have a history, and frankly my BF has known this woman maximum a few months. Tell me if you think I am wrong, but I don't think the 2 can be compared. But maybe I am being paranoid and unfair?? I need somebody to tell me their honest opinion about this (that the 2 cannot be compared). I promise I will listen! But please be honest and imagine you were in the same boat.
amymarieca Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 How long have you been dating your boyfriend? Have you two discussed exclusivity or some sort of boundries? If this has not been discussed then you two are just dating and are free to see other people in the meantime.
sugarmomma Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I would share with him just as you shared with us how you found out and ask him directly. You have to have difficult conversations with your mate sometimes regardless of whether what you hear is something you are willing to accept or not. You should be able to ask him face to face and guage his response as to whether he is being honest. Hopefully he will be truthful with you. That's what's called an emotional risk and it looks like the only real way for you to find out if he is up to something is to ask him about it. Be sure to bring it up in a non-threatening way so that way he can let his giard down and not feel attacked. Good Luck!!
ascendotum Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 From the information you have given, I think it is very risky for you to act on any rash act advice here, and its good to see practically all posts so far have advised moderation in reading the worst into this situation. I get the impression you are realistic when it comes to the nature of your boyfriend's personality as it relates to his looks and the overt attention he gets (and has for all his life) from women, and for him meeting a female friend for coffee/movie/drinks is likely normal behavior. It seems like you both live in your own places, so he has these opportunities to continue living his life as he was before he met you, but at the same time be totally faithful, well in terms of not having sex anyway. This older woman who came over to his place for dinner, it would be good if you knew her exact relationship to him. If she is a longtime friend then its more reassuring in my opinion, but then its really hard to say. He could see her strictly as a colleague or big sister type friend. I would be uncomfortable hearing from a 3rd party that my girlfriend had her ex boyfriend over for dinner. A bf of 5yrs to me would not be much better than one of 6 mths, in fact I would be worried that with the greater shared history their could still be strong residual feelings for him. So to answer your question 'Tell me if you think I am wrong, but I don't think the 2 can be compared', I think you are wrong, they can be compared. My reaction would definitely also be "???????????????"! I think maybe you should put your mind at rest and mention to him how you bumped into his ex work friend, and how you had an interesting conversation with her. Don't initially tell him the exact conversation, just start of letting him know how this person mentioned how he was seeing/entertaining other women. Just see what his reaction is. Read up on body language/reactions and lying beforehand.
betterdeal Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 How about you tell him your concern, ask him how he feels about this woman, and go from there? We can't mind read from here, and if you don't have enough information to know what's going on, neither do we. Only he and she can know that. As for what's normal, it's what's normal and comfortable for you (and him) that matters in your relationship. If you are uncomfortable with this, say so, to him. Something along the lines of, "I heard you went to the cinema with Jane. I was actually quite upset by this. Do you fancy her at all? What's the story?" as a starter and go from there.
2sunny Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 my gut says - if it was nothing he should hide - then why did he hide it from you? especially if he says you two are exclusive...? have a frank convo with him. if this is his idea of exclusive - then tell him you're going to start seeing other people too.
youaretheone Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 I think the best course of action here is to talk to him about it. Otherwise, this will eat up your brain as you continue to think about it and build up different scenarios in your mind. Even if you assume that she was a friend and nothing happened, it will show up again at a later point in your relationship and the damages might be bigger. So what I suggest for you is to be patient and discuss this with him face to face, in a non-offensive and non prejudged way. I would ask him like "I was talking to xxx yesterday and she told me that you and xxx went to cinema. I was wondering why you did not tell me about it. I thought we would not hide secrets from each other." and then proceed accordingly.
phineas Posted March 13, 2011 Posted March 13, 2011 my gut says - if it was nothing he should hide - then why did he hide it from you? especially if he says you two are exclusive...? have a frank convo with him. if this is his idea of exclusive - then tell him you're going to start seeing other people too. This. But the OP won't do this. She is already trying to make excuses for what is obviously shady behavior on her boyfriends part.
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