Not my lowest moment...but pretty darn close.

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Ive tried initiating no contact before and failed..I gave in and folded. Since then, we started seeing each other again, going out and being intimate again as well. It wasn’t so much that I thought our time together would turn him around, I really thought he *had* turned around. That he enjoyed his time with me, loved me, wanted to be with me and things were moving forward. But they were not.

 

 

Last week he let me know that at the end of our relationship, his feelings for me evolved and they still weren’t there. That hes not ready for a relationship…he asked me to give him another year saying he does love me and hopes to still be able to see me. That’s when the sinking feeling really set in that nothing was ever going to change and there would never be anything for us. From there it was all downhill.

 

 

I went to see him Sun and ended up staying the night. He mentioned that it had been forever for him and how great it was being with me again…I asked him why its been forever, I guess hoping maybe he would say something sweet, in my favor…he missed me? He was thinking of me? He wanted me? Nope..he said he had plenty of friends, but he just hadn’t had the time to see anyone. I think his neighbor 3 floors down must have felt it when my heart dropped at that moment.

 

 

On mon I had a complete breakdown, and ended up telling him Im done…wrote him an email among other things saying I cant go on like this…I cant handle knowing he doesn’t want to be with me ever again, that being friends and being in contact is not working for me, and that seeing how Ive had no willpower in the past hes going on block. He didn’t contact me mon. Tues I unblocked him only because a close friend of ours ended up in the hospital and no reply. I figured he was going with no contact. Wed, last night, he sends me a msg asking about our friend, acting as if nothing happened and even asked me out.

 

 

Baffled I asked him if he read my email, and he admitted he hadn’t but would now. That already put me I the dumps…I was near tears choosing what I would say and how I would say it, and he didn’t even bother to read it, no curiosity whatsoever even. His reply…I understand, Im sad and Im sorry. That was it. So easy for him…so easy for someone who always said he loved me, who said he didn’t want to not have me in his life, who said just last week that I was the best thing to happen to him. All he cared to say in response to what was a heartfelt letter that I put so much though into is…Im sad, and Im sorry.

 

Not only was that a slap in the face, it was I guess what I needed to see to really be motivated. In my email, I had said I want us to take a complete break, at least until I no longer feel the way I do about him, and then maybe we can be friends. But now…I want him out of my life completely and for good. I want nothing more to do with him at all period. I don’t need someone who couldn’t care less about me, and whether or not Im around.

 

 

 

Im mad at myself too for giving it my all, both while we were together and my patience and being what I was to and for him after our breakup. At least if I didn’t put much into him, our relationship and our supposed friendship, I wouldn’t care at this point either. For so long, I wanted to not feel anything… I was in so much pain, he hurt me so much…now I don’t feel pain, just superbly angry. No…pissed off. At him but mostly at myself. I never want to be in this situation again. I never want to allow anyone to make me feel the way I did over the past year and the way I feel now again. Never.

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So, it built up and I went off on how flippant he was. He replied back saying he doesnt understand why I sent the email...that Im upset if he talks to me about things (its not talking about it...its what he says!!) and Im upset if he doesnt say anything at all. Then he asked me if we can just can just hang out normally again.

 

I still dont think he read my email. Else hed know why I sent it, and know why "hanging out" isnt an option. Frustrated. And still pissed.

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Thurs nite after didnt reply to his message asking me about hanging out, he sent me another message asking me if I was working Sat. I didnt reply to that either...and on Fri I was silent even though he sent me a couple of messages.

 

Sat Im at work, and I was walking around the restaurant checking tables when boom, there he was sitting there getting ready to order lunch. My heart was in my throat...and probably looked like a deer in headlights. I did say hi since well, he was right there and his server was looking from me to him, him to me, me to him then said..I take it you two know each other? I jokingly said, yeah I know this guy from somewhere....how do I know you again? oh yeah thats right youre my ex boyfriend!...he sort of flinched when I said that, Ive never introduced him as my exbf before, and Ive never heard him refer to me as his ex either... I then told the server to let him starve... lol My ex was like..oh no dont do that! Then I told him to enjoy his meal and avoided his section of the restaurant.

 

When he was done, he came to find me, gave me this hug and said it was so great to see me and left. The guy who was his server came up to me later and said...I have only one word for that...awkwaaaard! He said it so was so obvious, both when I saw him at his table, and when he gave me the hug before he left, that I was in shock.

 

Tonight at around 1a he sent me a message apologizing for not getting back to me sooner, but hes been working all night and just got home, but hes been thinking about me and how wonderful it was to have lunch and see me, and how pretty I looked as I worked about the restaurant...

 

I wasnt going to reply, but then yeah...about an hr ago I sent him a msg saying "awe thanks" Would have been better saying nothing at all...I was doing so good. Blah. Still getting over seeing him sitting there...he looked really good too...like really good....hair, clothes, everything. I cant help but think he must have put a lot of care into pulling himself together before he came out there hoping to see me...argh!