blissfullyoblivious Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 he has a BS willing to forgive and forget if he can convince her that she is special. For some this is inferred from him continuing to live in the same house. He also has an OW who he maintains is special because he does not stop seeing her. MM is playing both sides and loving it. If your lover can lie to your face every day without blinking an eye you will never know whether he loves you/is remorseful or just hedging his bets. Why wait to be blindsided? I know that i cannot spend time with anyone that i don't trust and respect whether he is married or not. MM was attractive because i liked him. Now my attraction has waned i only see ugliness. I am not sure whether i created this monster. I fear my interest in him led him to believe he was superman. He has been living this fantasy in his head that he is wonderful and can/will do bettter than his wife. Late boozy supper. Just rambling.
Silly_Girl Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 he has a BS willing to forgive and forget if he can convince her that she is special. For some this is inferred from him continuing to live in the same house. He also has an OW who he maintains is special because he does not stop seeing her. MM is playing both sides and loving it. If your lover can lie to your face every day without blinking an eye you will never know whether he loves you/is remorseful or just hedging his bets. Why wait to be blindsided? I know that i cannot spend time with anyone that i don't trust and respect whether he is married or not. MM was attractive because i liked him. Now my attraction has waned i only see ugliness. I am not sure whether i created this monster. I fear my interest in him led him to believe he was superman. He has been living this fantasy in his head that he is wonderful and can/will do bettter than his wife. Late boozy supper. Just rambling. If he thinks he's punching BELOW his weight with his wife, if you don't mind me asking, why on earth does he stay? That's sad, on both of them.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 If he thinks he's punching BELOW his weight with his wife, if you don't mind me asking, why on earth does he stay? That's sad, on both of them. He believes himself to be incredibly attractive because i liked him. His wife turned him off because he no longer found her sexually attractive. He said they stopped having sex because she once asked "is it in yet?" He was mortified that she was too loose to feel anything. Did he tell the truth or was this an outrageous lie? I don't know anymore. I do know that she is a plain woman but some men find that attractive. The element of working harder to please their spouse.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You only know of their marriage from what he tells you and what your own mind creates. you don't know her at all. you're judging her by the way she looks, assuming alot too. is your A over with him? Or are you in NC mode? Sorry, I can't remember your story.. Anyway, whatever reasons why he's still chosen to stay married to her, and her to him, is their business. You can wonder about it, be pissed off as to why he chose her over you 100 times, it doesn't change the fact that he obviously is still there. He seems like a very good and crafty liar, to both of you. Be glad (if your A is truly over) he's out of your life. Heal, and let go.
TurboGirl Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) my own past situation... my former MM told me "My marriage has lost it's passion." WTF? I am sitting here cracking up at that now... xMM blamed his wife, of course...that passion, just jumps up and runs out the door, all on its own now, right?? and after my time with him, I saw he put NO effort whatsoever into anything except for what HE wanted to do on any given day... My point is that they lie lie lie oh, and lie again. Can only believe half of what they tell you. Of course, there are exceptions, I'm talking majority here. The ugliness was always there, I believe. But when you are blinded by infatuation it is difficult to see. They can be oh so very charming, can't they? Until the infatuation wears off that is. Edited March 10, 2011 by TurboGirl
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 You only know of their marriage from what he tells you and what your own mind creates. you don't know her at all. you're judging her by the way she looks, assuming alot too. is your A over with him? Or are you in NC mode? Sorry, I can't remember your story.. Anyway, whatever reasons why he's still chosen to stay married to her, and her to him, is their business. You can wonder about it, be pissed off as to why he chose her over you 100 times, it doesn't change the fact that he obviously is still there. He seems like a very good and crafty liar, to both of you. Be glad (if your A is truly over) he's out of your life. Heal, and let go. Instead of coming out shooting from the hip it would be prudent to establish the facts first. FWIW, I do know her. I have never asked him to leave. He lies to her. Not sure if he lies to me but there would be no reason to do so. Talking about his lack of sexual attraction for his wife, in such a graphic way, does not reflect well on him.
Silly_Girl Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 He also has an OW who he maintains is special because he does not stop seeing her. To whom does he claim this? To you? Or his wife? Does his wife know you and he still see one another?
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 my own past situation... my former MM told me "My marriage has lost it's passion." WTF? I am sitting here cracking up at that now... xMM blamed his wife, of course...that passion, just jumps up and runs out the door, all on its own now, right?? and after my time with him, I saw he put NO effort whatsoever into anything except for what HE wanted to do on any given day... My point is that they lie lie lie oh, and lie again. Can only believe half of what they tell you. Of course, there are exceptions, I'm talking majority here. The ugliness was always there, I believe. But when you are blinded by infatuation it is difficult to see. They can be oh so very charming, can't they? Until the infatuation wears off that is. He was full on. Starved of attention. I was curious as to how a MM could act like a lovesick puppy dog. His weakness was attractive until it wasn't.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 To whom does he claim this? To you? Or his wife? Does his wife know you and he still see one another? This was general not specific to me. I did say I was rambling! It is just tiring reading all the bickering in the threads when MM is the cause of all the grief. He is no prize yet people think that "having" him is proof that he is or they are or something.... I have not contacted her again and will not do so. She knows what she wants to know and is ok with how things are. She cannot control/change/threaten him because they would both lose. A spouse is not a kid. Resorting to tantrums and silent treatment achieve nothing.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Instead of coming out shooting from the hip it would be prudent to establish the facts first. FWIW, I do know her. I have never asked him to leave. He lies to her. Not sure if he lies to me but there would be no reason to do so. Talking about his lack of sexual attraction for his wife, in such a graphic way, does not reflect well on him. I did say I couldn't remember your story. Sorry I've come off harsh. Many OW and OM say their MM or MW never lie to them. It's up to you to choose to believe his every word or not. If you are seeing his behaviour that doesn't reflect well on him and he says nasty things about his wife, what it is you actually enjoy about him? Also I still stand on what I said earlier, if he was that unhappy, he could leave. Noone is holding a gun to his head.
jj33 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Hi Blissful. Nice to see you. I totally get what you are saying. They have a lot to lose and they have decided to keep the status quo. It works for them. What else can anyone say. The thing with him is it works for him until it doesnt. If he meets someone with enough money that giving up half of what he has doesnt matter (unlikely it sounds) or decides that he really wants to have a full on relationship with someone 24/7 without retreating to the safety of but Im married, he will. Personally I think some of them are afraid to leave because having lived that lie for so long they are unsure if the new relationship will not "turn" at some point and they will have traded in teh status quo for a relationshp with no such freedoms and some of the same downsides and they will be living on 25% of their gross income (50% to tax half of what is left to W) and only have half their capital. Unless hes really loaded it could put a crimp in his lifestyle or at a minimum his sense of security. Theres safety in a life that allows him to do as he pleases with his capital resting intact. So to me in many cases it is the men who stay for security as well.
Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 he has a BS willing to forgive and forget if he can convince her that she is special. For some this is inferred from him continuing to live in the same house. He also has an OW who he maintains is special because he does not stop seeing her. MM is playing both sides and loving it. If your lover can lie to your face every day without blinking an eye you will never know whether he loves you/is remorseful or just hedging his bets. Why wait to be blindsided? I know that i cannot spend time with anyone that i don't trust and respect whether he is married or not. MM was attractive because i liked him. Now my attraction has waned i only see ugliness. I am not sure whether i created this monster. I fear my interest in him led him to believe he was superman. He has been living this fantasy in his head that he is wonderful and can/will do bettter than his wife. Late boozy supper. Just rambling. How sad and how true! fWS and this is how I felt and I was blind-sided big time. I think it speaks to character, and now that the attraction is waning are you finally seeing the man behind the mask, so to speak? I also read that how they speak of their SO to you, is how they will speak to someone new about you someday. So if you meet a man who only speaks respectfully of his former SO, refuses to disparage or denigrate and takes ownership for at least some of the problems in the relationship, he may be a keeper. But if he doesn't, well what does that say about his character? Not much, I'm afraid! And his graphic sexual description seems so uncouth at its very worst, and also shows he values what exactly in a woman? A tighter orifice? That's what he values most in a woman? I mean, ugh! I agree with you. I think your boozy rambling is proving very insightful for you!
TurboGirl Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 It works for them. What else can anyone say. The thing with him is it works for him until it doesnt. If he meets someone with enough money that giving up half of what he has doesnt matter (unlikely it sounds) or decides that he really wants to have a full on relationship with someone 24/7 without retreating to the safety of but Im married, he will. Personally I think some of them are afraid to leave because having lived that lie for so long they are unsure if the new relationship will not "turn" at some point and they will have traded in teh status quo for a relationshp with no such freedoms and some of the same downsides and they will be living on 25% of their gross income (50% to tax half of what is left to W) and only have half their capital. Unless hes really loaded it could put a crimp in his lifestyle or at a minimum his sense of security. Theres safety in a life that allows him to do as he pleases with his capital resting intact. So to me in many cases it is the men who stay for security as well. For my xMM... the wife accidentally found out via credit card statement early on... and decided to "overlook" it just this once! (or so he told me) Mainly because she didn't want give up her $1.5 mil house, maid, private schools for the kids, and oh heaven forbid, she might have to go & work. Ok so she "overlooks" things, and he, the xMM, doesn't put forth much in the way of a relationship. I do know this, because of all of his many hobbies and evening out with the boys, or in the past, me... (now I'm sure some other hottie has my place). My xMM told me that the wife did force him to therapy for 6 sessions to uncover why he needed to cheat... and he told me that he was perfectly happy status quo and that he enjoyed being selfish! I couldn't even reply to that... and of course later I look at that and know that I should have seen the light then & dumped him. The way I see it, my xMM would have had to put forth effort to maintain a relationship with me, other than monetary effort. That was the big issue toward the end of our A was his lack of effort with small details, and I was fed up with being an unpaid hooker....taken for granted while the wife was taken to the lovely trips & family vacations. to the OP, I think you are now seeing what is really behind Curtain No. 1. And it is not pretty... this is not a man you want for all time. You deserve better. The feelings of pain of loss eventually start to fade.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 I did say I couldn't remember your story. Sorry I've come off harsh. Many OW and OM say their MM or MW never lie to them. It's up to you to choose to believe his every word or not. If you are seeing his behaviour that doesn't reflect well on him and he says nasty things about his wife, what it is you actually enjoy about him? Also I still stand on what I said earlier, if he was that unhappy, he could leave. Noone is holding a gun to his head. He is irritated by his wife and his frank view of why they are not intimate was not said in a malicious way. That specific incident has never left him and that is why I believe him when he says there are no marital relations. He was embarassed to talk about it but did so unprompted. Men have triggers to and it must have been mortifying to know that your wife cannot "feel" you. But I take the point that it could have been him meaning he could not "feel" her. OK, I am slightly hung over and not at my best this morning.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 Hi Blissful. Nice to see you. I totally get what you are saying. They have a lot to lose and they have decided to keep the status quo. It works for them. What else can anyone say. The thing with him is it works for him until it doesnt. If he meets someone with enough money that giving up half of what he has doesnt matter (unlikely it sounds) or decides that he really wants to have a full on relationship with someone 24/7 without retreating to the safety of but Im married, he will. Personally I think some of them are afraid to leave because having lived that lie for so long they are unsure if the new relationship will not "turn" at some point and they will have traded in teh status quo for a relationshp with no such freedoms and some of the same downsides and they will be living on 25% of their gross income (50% to tax half of what is left to W) and only have half their capital. Unless hes really loaded it could put a crimp in his lifestyle or at a minimum his sense of security. Theres safety in a life that allows him to do as he pleases with his capital resting intact. So to me in many cases it is the men who stay for security as well. This is what I mean to say. Thank you JJ.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 How sad and how true! fWS and this is how I felt and I was blind-sided big time. I think it speaks to character, and now that the attraction is waning are you finally seeing the man behind the mask, so to speak? I also read that how they speak of their SO to you, is how they will speak to someone new about you someday. So if you meet a man who only speaks respectfully of his former SO, refuses to disparage or denigrate and takes ownership for at least some of the problems in the relationship, he may be a keeper. But if he doesn't, well what does that say about his character? Not much, I'm afraid! And his graphic sexual description seems so uncouth at its very worst, and also shows he values what exactly in a woman? A tighter orifice? That's what he values most in a woman? I mean, ugh! I agree with you. I think your boozy rambling is proving very insightful for you! Just because someone is disparaging at times about another it does not mean the comments are not based on the truth. He revealed more than he should have in a graphic way but not sure how else he could have described the memory. The bolded is your interpreatation not mine.
Author blissfullyoblivious Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 For my xMM... the wife accidentally found out via credit card statement early on... and decided to "overlook" it just this once! (or so he told me) Mainly because she didn't want give up her $1.5 mil house, maid, private schools for the kids, and oh heaven forbid, she might have to go & work. Ok so she "overlooks" things, and he, the xMM, doesn't put forth much in the way of a relationship. I do know this, because of all of his many hobbies and evening out with the boys, or in the past, me... (now I'm sure some other hottie has my place). My xMM told me that the wife did force him to therapy for 6 sessions to uncover why he needed to cheat... and he told me that he was perfectly happy status quo and that he enjoyed being selfish! I couldn't even reply to that... and of course later I look at that and know that I should have seen the light then & dumped him. The way I see it, my xMM would have had to put forth effort to maintain a relationship with me, other than monetary effort. That was the big issue toward the end of our A was his lack of effort with small details, and I was fed up with being an unpaid hooker....taken for granted while the wife was taken to the lovely trips & family vacations. to the OP, I think you are now seeing what is really behind Curtain No. 1. And it is not pretty... this is not a man you want for all time. You deserve better. The feelings of pain of loss eventually start to fade. Wow. I am not in pain or suffering any loss. I think that MM is so lonely but scared to make the leap into the unknown without a guaranteed safety net. I am clearly not that.
Star_Bright Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Yeah, I guess that's why it's called cake-eating. I used to wonder how exMM's wife could take him back and I felt sorry for her for having to be with a cheater. But then I thought of all the lies and manipulations he would play on me, and how I had stayed with him for so long, and I knew from him that he hadn't told her the half of it and had lied to her about so many things, so, how could I "judge" her for staying with him? I'm sure he had her so fooled, and she wanted to forgive him and stay with him. Sadly he kept taking advantage of that, and betraying her over and over again without her even knowing it. And like you OP I think my exMM was ready/looking to leave her but he couldn't do it without a constantly embracing safety net. I was not willing to be that for him. He was much older than me but acted like a petulant, clingy, needy child. So I think he was enjoying having both but he was also scared to lose me and he needed me. Either way it wasn't a healthy relationship and I'm glad I split. And I'm not trying to throw mud at him, I loved him and I know he had issues like everyone else. I just mean that I see now looking back how the dynamics of the relationship were so unhealthy because he himself was so unhealthy (and I was too at the time). It was just a mess. But yes he enjoyed having both and would do whatever he could to keep both for as long as possible, and then stay with the one who would still be there to catch him after the fall-out. That wasn't going to be me.
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