thomasb Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Most marriages do not recover nor thrive after affairs, and like all statistics, they're false. Quoted from Inner Source. 'Recovering from infidelity is not easy. One-third of marriages do not survive the affair. Because the work of full disclosure can be painful, it is best done in the safe confines of a therapist’s office with a therapist specially trained to deal with such situations. Therapy usually consists of a combination of sessions with both partners present, plus individual sessions for each spouse. The goal is to rebuild trust and intimacy between the partners, to de-romanticize the infidelity for the involved spouse, and to work through the trauma of broken assumptions experienced by the betrayed spouse. With commitment, motivation, honest self-reflection, and professional guidance, the marital bond can be restored, and the marriage may emerge even stronger than before the affair.' Yes, they do. And also, if the marriage does not survive, and the Cheaters marry, they have less than a two percent chance of still being married after 5 years.
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Huh???? I've never said he had no right to express himself, and have never thought of myself as above anyone and certainly not holy . But my views of reconciliation are based upon my own life and are not an assumption . This is what worked for me/us. It won't for everyone. Then why project because he has a different view than you?
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Yes, they do. And also, if the marriage does not survive, and the Cheaters marry, they have less than a two percent chance of still being married after 5 years. From some fortune teller who makes energy medicine? Again a lot of marriages do not survive after affairs.
thomasb Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Huh???? I've never said he had no right to express himself, and have never thought of myself as above anyone and certainly not holy . But my views of reconciliation are based upon my own life and are not an assumption . This is what worked for me/us. It won't for everyone. My views are based upon my own experiences also. And the million who have reconciled due to a marriage counselling site here on the net. We did the hard work and for that we now get the joy!
thomasb Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 From some fortune teller who makes energy medicine? Again a lot of marriages do not survive after affairs. Inner Source is a psychology site. Personal debates are against TOS. So I can't respond.
seren Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I think my answer would have to be, It depends. It depends on the overall state of the marriage pre the affair and also depends on the nature of the A. It would be naive to think that some A's aren't because the AP's fell in love and yes, I think they can be succesful, some of the XOW on this site bear testimony to that. It would be equally naive to suppose that all A's were because the MP fell out of love with their spouses and in love with the AP. As for marriages or relationship surviving A's, well I think there is a difference between a marriage and a relationship, I have a relationship with my H and we are married. Our marriage pre A was, for over 22 years bloody fantastic, H's A was at a time of huge turmoil (most know our situ) it never crossed my mind for one moment to quit. Had the A been for love, then I would have wished him well (after the histronics), sold up and got on with my own life while missing him each and every day. BUT, the foundations of our relationship were strong and so we built on that. H has looked deep within himself at why he had an A instead of dealing with problems the way he did, I too have looked at how I contributed to our marriage drifiting. We both changed, perhaps not to others, but to us we did. Our marriage has survived infidelity and no I certainly don't do denial, I am brutally honest with myself and him. It took work, it took truth and it took love. If this is not surviving infidelity please put me up for an Oscar and I shall be competing with H. Our marriage is not stronger because of the A, it is stronger despite it and because we wanted it to work. We have our moments much the same as any other relationship, but it is dammed good and while I would rather we were in this place without the A, we are where we are because we both realised that we wanted and needed each other. Some of course do not work out and some are never truly recovered, but Can some marriages survive infidelity? Absolutely!
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I do agree with this, however, the marriage is (usually) based on the original vows and between the same people, so this feels a little like slicing hairs to me. My opinion is the people have been permanently changed(some change for the better, others not so much) by an affair. The original vows were broken, so there must be a re-commitment. A new understanding of the vows and of who each person has become as a result of the affair. But whatever makes you happy.
Bittersweetie Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 My opinion is the people have been permanently changed(some change for the better, others not so much) by an affair. The original vows were broken, so there must be a re-commitment. A new understanding of the vows and of who each person has become as a result of the affair. But whatever makes you happy. I actually have to agree with this. I can only speak for my own experience. My H and I are in the process of reconciling, but we both agree that we cannot go back to the marriage we had before my A. We are taking the pieces that were important to us, and creating a new marriage based on what we have both learned about ourselves and each other. I do wish I made a different choice in dealing with my own problems with myself and our marriage, and that I turned to my husband. I understand that my actions forced us to change the way we view our marriage...and while I regret my actions, I feel our marriage is becoming stronger based on the new way we interact with each other.
Author silktricks Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) Then why project because he has a different view than you? Because stating as a fact that recovery is impossible for everyone is patently untrue, as there are many people who do have recovered marriages. And since he states things as a fact, (for example, triggers and thoughts for the rest of your life) but actually has never been through it, he cannot know. I do not have bad thoughts anymore, and I'm still alive... (and I'm not delusional, either... ) Clearly though, the fact that some people are able to recover their marriages does not make them better in ANY WAY than someone who either chose not to attempt recovery, or during an attempt realized it was not possible for them. It's just that it is possible for some people in some circumstances. Not everyone and not all circumstances. Edited March 11, 2011 by silktricks
What_Next Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Well there's lies, damn lies and then there are statistics... Debat over statistics is pointless. Many cases on infedility go unreported as do rape, etc etc.
WorldIsYours Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Because stating as a fact that recovery is impossible for everyone is patently untrue, as there are many people who do have recovered marriages. And since he states things as a fact, (for example, triggers and thoughts for the rest of your life) but actually has never been through it, he cannot know. I do not have bad thoughts anymore, and I'm still alive... (and I'm not delusional, either... ) Clearly though, the fact that some people are able to recover their marriages does not make them better in ANY WAY than someone who either chose not to attempt recovery, or during an attempt realized it was not possible for them. It's just that it is possible for some people in some circumstances. Not everyone and not all circumstances. Neither is reconciliation the best course of action.
Snowflower Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 I think my answer would have to be, It depends. It depends on the overall state of the marriage pre the affair and also depends on the nature of the A. It would be naive to think that some A's aren't because the AP's fell in love and yes, I think they can be succesful, some of the XOW on this site bear testimony to that. It would be equally naive to suppose that all A's were because the MP fell out of love with their spouses and in love with the AP. As for marriages or relationship surviving A's, well I think there is a difference between a marriage and a relationship, I have a relationship with my H and we are married. Our marriage pre A was, for over 22 years bloody fantastic, H's A was at a time of huge turmoil (most know our situ) it never crossed my mind for one moment to quit. Had the A been for love, then I would have wished him well (after the histronics), sold up and got on with my own life while missing him each and every day. BUT, the foundations of our relationship were strong and so we built on that. H has looked deep within himself at why he had an A instead of dealing with problems the way he did, I too have looked at how I contributed to our marriage drifiting. We both changed, perhaps not to others, but to us we did. Our marriage has survived infidelity and no I certainly don't do denial, I am brutally honest with myself and him. It took work, it took truth and it took love. If this is not surviving infidelity please put me up for an Oscar and I shall be competing with H. Our marriage is not stronger because of the A, it is stronger despite it and because we wanted it to work. We have our moments much the same as any other relationship, but it is dammed good and while I would rather we were in this place without the A, we are where we are because we both realised that we wanted and needed each other. Some of course do not work out and some are never truly recovered, but Can some marriages survive infidelity? Absolutely! seren, this is a beautifully-written post. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I can completely relate to what you write about here.
ladydesigner Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 Our marriage is not stronger because of the A, it is stronger despite it and because we wanted it to work. We have our moments much the same as any other relationship, but it is dammed good and while I would rather we were in this place without the A, we are where we are because we both realised that we wanted and needed each other. Some of course do not work out and some are never truly recovered, but Can some marriages survive infidelity? Absolutely! I love this too Seren. Bolded is exactly why my M has survived.
Jonah Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 One thing for sure, it is a very tricky situation with a myriad of complex dynamics. After the earthquake, a tsunami of emotions everywhere. Navigate the tide without being pulled out to sea. Good luck with that!
thomasb Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 Neither is reconciliation the best course of action. For you perhaps. But you are not God and have no right to speak for the rest of humanity. Reconcilliation was the best choice for my wife and myself obviously.
WorldIsYours Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 For you perhaps. And many others. But you are not God and have no right to speak for the rest of humanity. Neither do you. But then again I never asked you to speak for me. Reconcilliation was the best choice for my wife and myself obviously. Your wife gave you that chance and I wasn't referring to you.
Spark1111 Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 These points are valid and speak to the post. There can be NO reconciliation without being given the opportunity to do so by the BS. And if you were given that opportunity, you should be forever grateful. Because it ain't easy. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart or those who know with conviction that they cannot forgive.
What_Next Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 And if you were given that opportunity, you should be forever grateful. Because it ain't easy. Reconciliation is not for the faint of heart or those who know with conviction that they cannot forgive. These are 2 important points. The second one is of particular relevance. The bottom line is if a couple decides to reconcile or divorce infedility is like a bomb going off in a marriage. The impact never really goes away. That's not to say you won't be able to repair the damage, but that damage is still there on some level. I made my own decision to attempt a reconciliation with my wife for my own very personal reasons. I do not regret the attempt one single bit. As for the outcome, well too early to tell.
thomasb Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 These are 2 important points. The second one is of particular relevance. The bottom line is if a couple decides to reconcile or divorce infedility is like a bomb going off in a marriage. The impact never really goes away. That's not to say you won't be able to repair the damage, but that damage is still there on some level. I made my own decision to attempt a reconciliation with my wife for my own very personal reasons. I do not regret the attempt one single bit. As for the outcome, well too early to tell. They are good points. And true. It does get better with time. Be assured that one day it will just be a blip on the radar.
What_Next Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 They are good points. And true. It does get better with time. Be assured that one day it will just be a blip on the radar. I am sure it will get better in time, as for it being a "blip" on the radar, that is highly unlikely.
love4me2c Posted March 12, 2011 Posted March 12, 2011 There are just different kinds of people in this world. Some can forgive infidelity and can eventually let the memories fade. Some cannot let the memories go. Some cannot get over the betrayal. Some WS refuse to provide details to the BS. Personally, I couldn't get over it. I stayed for months after discovering the A. I really tried to make a go at recovering my marriage, but I knew I'd make him miserable for the rest of his life because of it. I chose to leave the marriage. It was as much for him as it was for me. My leaving is really an act of love towards him. Sounds funny, I know, but he doesn't deserve misery for the rest of his life because of the A. I also do not deserve to have to be reminded of him/the A every day of my life now either. It's tough because I do still love him.
Author silktricks Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 There are just different kinds of people in this world. Some can forgive infidelity and can eventually let the memories fade. Some cannot let the memories go. Some cannot get over the betrayal. Some WS refuse to provide details to the BS. Personally, I couldn't get over it. I stayed for months after discovering the A. I really tried to make a go at recovering my marriage, but I knew I'd make him miserable for the rest of his life because of it. I chose to leave the marriage. It was as much for him as it was for me. My leaving is really an act of love towards him. Sounds funny, I know, but he doesn't deserve misery for the rest of his life because of the A. I also do not deserve to have to be reminded of him/the A every day of my life now either. It's tough because I do still love him. I feel so sorry for you when I read this, as it seems that your husband threw away something that few people are ever fortunate enough to get, real love. In truth, I am not the kind of person who can normally let things go - ever . The fact that I could in the end let go of this pain was really more due to the level of energy my husband put into helping me than it was due to myself. I totally understand, though, what you are saying about letting your husband go as an act of love towards him. No one should have to spend the rest of their life in any kind of bad situation. I hope you have happiness in your future.
Author silktricks Posted March 14, 2011 Author Posted March 14, 2011 exactly, because for one thing, it involves ALOT of pride swallowing by the BS. and therefore isn't easy to do. This has got to be the understatement of the century!!!
Steadfast Posted March 15, 2011 Posted March 15, 2011 I am sure it will get better in time, as for it being a "blip" on the radar, that is highly unlikely. Have to agree with this. At least, in most cases. I've shared here that my father had an affair. I can assure you that my mother never forgot. The impact of it was so great that my father was still apologizing, on his death bed, forty some years after the fact. But they lived and loved for 65-years of marriage and now that he's gone, she's empty. Best I can tell, they saw it as something very serious that they had to work through, together. And while something they had before was gone, something else came in to replace it; the awareness (at least for my mother) that my father truly loved her. For my dad, he seemed grateful that her forgiveness allowed him to not only be with the woman he loved, but his sons too. We were happy. So, in the end, it was life. I cherish both of them!
seeker2010 Posted March 16, 2011 Posted March 16, 2011 I can attest that this certainly is not true as you say. My marriage has never been stronger or more loving. we have been together 17yrs in Sept. and the affair happened clear back in the 4th year. My issues led to my affair. It most certainly was a blessing that my dear wife chose to recover and build a new marriage along side me. Statistically, most marriages recover and thrive after an affair. I realize a lot of OP's do not wish to acknowledge that fact but it is the truth. Thank you for this post. I am six month after finding out about an online affair involving cybersex (which is, frankly, just as devastating as any other kind of affair) and I'm still struggling to get over it. We have chosen to stay together and rebuild, but it's so hard and I have had so many doubts about if it is at all possible. Some times, I feel like I found out only yesterday and that I will never feel good again. How long did it take your wife to really get past the pain?
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