silktricks Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) Is true recovery of a marriage possible after infidelity? A lot of people say that it isn't, that the result must be a pale and poor imitation of a marriage that never experienced it in the first place. I disagree. I'm not saying that it is always possible or always the preferred course of action, but if the choice is made to recover the marriage rather than divorce, it is possible. There are, however, in my opinion, some things that must be done by both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse to make the recovery real. First, the recovery must be due to the fact that there is really love for your spouse. Recovery for any other reason will IMO fail. You can't recover a marriage for the kids, or for the family, or finances, or for your religion or for any other reason than love. Second, the betrayal by the spouse must be outlier behavior. If it is not, if he/she is a serial cheater, or has shown in other ways disdain for you, then the odds of recovery is, I think, quite low. The reason for the betrayal could be for many "reasons" (none of which are valid IMO ), but the behavior of deception cannot be a significant part of their personality. Third, I don't know (personally) if a marriage that experiences betrayal early on (say in the first 5 years) is worth the energy and angst that it takes to save it. I'd be more inclined to cut my losses and find someone who doesn't take that path so easily. If the choice to cheat comes so early, I (personally) would be inclined to think that they also wouldn't have the sticking power to last through recovery, either. Fourth, the betrayed spouse has to be willing to put everything they are into it. There's no holding back, there's no "letting things ride", there's no letting the wayward spouse off the hook, and there's the fact that if you say "X" will happen if he/she does "Y", then "X" had better happen. In other words, if you say: "I will leave you if you lie to me again", and then you catch them in a lie - you leave. The betrayed spouse has to take control of the recovery, as the wayward spouse just wants it to go away. They want to pretend that what they did wasn't really all that bad, and besides, they will say, "if you hadn't done "x", then I wouldn't have cheated".... as if it's somehow your fault they made that choice - uhhhh, no. And the wayward spouse also must be willing to put everything they are into it. They have to stop trying to wiggle out of the responsibility for what they did. It wasn't your fault, and it wasn't the AP's fault. It was the wayward spouse who did what he/she did - no one forced them, no one "caused" it. They have to do their own dirty work and figure out the "why". What is it inside of them that allowed them to take that step? That fourth step is the really grueling one, that lasts for a long time. It varies from person to person/couple to couple, for me/us it took about 4 years. I couldn't get past the pain, and it kept coming back up. I would ask questions and re-ask the same questions, many many times. If I got a different answer, then I'd get set back to zero. But, if you want to recover your marriage, you have to work at your own personal recovery. To be honest, that period proved to me just how much my husband did indeed love me. I frankly put him through h*ll. But at some point, you, as the betrayed spouse who wants to have a good marriage, has to come to a point of completion, and take the final step to: Fifth, acceptance and letting go. What happened was probably the worst thing you have ever experienced, because you thought this was possibly the one person you could trust. You have to accept that this person is flawed - just as you are flawed - and everyone is flawed. What happened was terrible, but the fact that your formerly wayward spouse took the effort to go through the depths of your despair with you needs to count for something, too. At some point you need to turn your back on what happened in the past, tell your partner that if it EVER happens again there are no 2nd chances and put it behind you. You need to know that they have delved into their depths and communicated with you the true reasons why it happened (not putting it on you, but taking responsibility for the problems inside of themselves), and they need to know that it is not going to be held over their head like a sword waiting to fall whenever you have a disagreement or at some unknown time in the future. It really needs to be over, for both of you. If you don't want to really recover your marriage, but just want to make your partner pay for the pain you are in, you are IMO no better than the partner who betrayed you, and in some ways worse. They probably didn't set out to hurt you. You were "collateral damage" to their selfishness. What you are doing is setting out purposefully to hurt. IMO that's worse. I never read any self-help books on infidelity nor recovery, never visited the "marriage builders" website, never talked to others about what was going on in my marriage. This was what worked for us. We have a truly great marriage, and I do not ever in any way regret the years we put into recovering it. Edited March 10, 2011 by silktricks
Linda9999 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Is true recovery of a marriage possible after infidelity? I hope so, because if it isn't I am wasting my time right now.
What_Next Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Fantastic post, really well though out. I cannot argue with any of the points you have made. Obviously that fifth point is the real nut to crack and it is obvious that many never really do. Maybe that's partially because of any combination of failures in point 1 through 4. Point five is in my field of view now (6 months past D-day) and even our MC has suggested that we must try and block out the images of the affair, but I'm not there yet. I've read time and time again how a marraige can indeed recover and in the end become stronger after an affair. Honestly, I'm still not convinced. I don't think these images will ever really leave my mind. I can push them back, block them out, but it seems I am only burying them, not dealing with them. There most definitely be love, that's for sure, because without it, all the pain and the tough times would hardly be worth it. I also notice you haven't mentioned trust, and in particular rebuilding it. That aspect is just as large a concern to me.
Author silktricks Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) I didn't mention trust, and that was an error on my part. I cannot love if I cannot trust, so for me the trust was an integral part, but I absolutely should have specifically mentioned it. Rebuilding the trust is part of step 4, IMO. When you ask and are answered and ask again and are answered, etc, and when you see that they are doing what they say, and being who they were prior to the affair. It's a gradual process, though. You cannot as a BS, just say: I forgive, I love, I trust. It all has to be rebuilt over time, because it's all been destroyed. I've got to admit that I didn't even attempt to block out images. I actually forced myself to think the very worst things until my brain simply rebelled and quit on its own. I don't know that I recommend that course of action. It worked for me, but it's terribly painful. Edited March 10, 2011 by silktricks
bentnotbroken Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I don't think recovery of a marriage is possible after infidelity. I do believe both partners have to be willing to work on building a new marriage, a much improved marriage with the lessons learned from the dead one. They have to be willing to do the heavy lifting, the messy cleanup, and willing to face every demon that was brought into the first marriage. I think infidelity kills a marriage, but maybe it doesn't kill the true love that may exist between the partners.
freestyle Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Fantastic post, really well though out. I cannot argue with any of the points you have made. Obviously that fifth point is the real nut to crack and it is obvious that many never really do. Maybe that's partially because of any combination of failures in point 1 through 4. Point five is in my field of view now (6 months past D-day) and even our MC has suggested that we must try and block out the images of the affair, but I'm not there yet. I've read time and time again how a marraige can indeed recover and in the end become stronger after an affair. Honestly, I'm still not convinced. I don't think these images will ever really leave my mind. I can push them back, block them out, but it seems I am only burying them, not dealing with them. There most definitely be love, that's for sure, because without it, all the pain and the tough times would hardly be worth it. I also notice you haven't mentioned trust, and in particular rebuilding it. That aspect is just as large a concern to me. It really bothers me to see that your MC seems to be suggesting that it's time to sweep everything under the rug, or view it as 'water under the bridge" after only 6 months. Everything I've read states that 2-5 years is the average amount of time it takes a marriage to truly recover from an affair. Expecting a BS to just "get over it" after only six months is ridiculous, and very invalidating of the BS's feelings. It comes across to me as insult upon injury. I've had my own experience with being betrayed, and I've read many posts by BS's ---it's NORMAL for the mind movies to continue for a full year after D-day. Eventually the triggers will lessen, and the impact will lessen---but it has to be processed according to the timetable of the individual----there's no "one size fits all" calendar for recovery. My opinion is that you may be best served by finding a new MC.I'm thinking the one you've been using has never had the experience of being cheated on.
What_Next Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Freestyle during our last session she saw what she termed a circular pattern in terms of us back tracking due to the imagery in both our minds (after D-day I was damn fool enough to go out and get involved with someone else), she suggested we try and focus on the here and now. Honestly, this is our second try and MC and I'm all but done with it. I find it a waste of time and money. It just doesn't work for me. I am going to continue to deal with the after effects in my own way. I cannot block out the images, in fact I don't want to. I want them to fade away over time.
Author silktricks Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 I don't think recovery of a marriage is possible after infidelity. I do believe both partners have to be willing to work on building a new marriage, a much improved marriage with the lessons learned from the dead one. They have to be willing to do the heavy lifting, the messy cleanup, and willing to face every demon that was brought into the first marriage. I think infidelity kills a marriage, but maybe it doesn't kill the true love that may exist between the partners. I do agree with this, however, the marriage is (usually) based on the original vows and between the same people, so this feels a little like slicing hairs to me.
fltc Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Is true recovery of a marriage possible after infidelity? Absolutely NOT! No way, no how, NO. You may start a new relationship, it may be better, stronger that it was but it will NEVER be the same as it was.
2sure Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I believe that it is definitely possible. The crisis of infidelity should be a major turning point for the partners in the marriage. Either you join together to make the marriage better, whole, complete, and fulfilling whereas it was not before...Or you bail. Even in marriages where the infidelity occurred because one partner had personal issues not stemming from the marriage...if when rock bottom hits it causes them to make personal changes - the marriage can recover. It takes self reflection and action on the part of both the BS and the WS. Those that will never get over it, never stop feeling bitter about it...whether they stay married or divorce- thats not going to change.
jlola Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Is true recovery of a marriage possible after infidelity? A lot of people say that it isn't, that the result must be a pale and poor imitation of a marriage that never experienced it in the first place. I disagree. I'm not saying that it is always possible or always the preferred course of action, but if the choice is made to recover the marriage rather than divorce, it is possible. QUOTE] I believe it can be. IF the affair was just sexual. But if the affair was "I found my soulmate" type wth the affair partner I think not. How would anyone ever feel safe in that marriage ever again. If a husband or wife has ever told affair partner they are in love with them, or left to be with affair partner and came back. I thinbk those are the broken people who really have no clue of what they want. With that type of affair you have to let the marriage go. Living with that sort of toxic memory will slowly kill your esteem. I have seen that happen to my mother. As my sane sister says:) the second a man tells you he is no longer in love with you and in love with someone else, the marriage is OVER! Show him the door. The fact he/she disrespected the marriage so much to allow another women in his or her heart is beyond disrespectful and hurtful. No, I never believe the "We just fell in love" bs that they use to make themselves feel less guilty. As though we were meant to be."star crossed lovers seperated by obstacles, the big bad spouse." Nope, step by step they allowed the affair and the emotional connection to happen. Phone calls, emails, secret dinners,declaration of love,etc. Years ago, i borrowed my father's cell phone to use. I curiously went to his text and the messages back and forth to his mistress were heartbreaking. You would think he was a teenager with his first love. I never told my mother,because I did not want to give her more heartache and besides,she would probably not leave him anyway. She never has before even though all of his affairs were the romantic kind and through the years she has found love letters by various OW.
Snowflower Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Fantastic post, really well though out. I cannot argue with any of the points you have made. Obviously that fifth point is the real nut to crack and it is obvious that many never really do. Maybe that's partially because of any combination of failures in point 1 through 4. Point five is in my field of view now (6 months past D-day) and even our MC has suggested that we must try and block out the images of the affair, but I'm not there yet. I've read time and time again how a marraige can indeed recover and in the end become stronger after an affair. Honestly, I'm still not convinced. I don't think these images will ever really leave my mind. I can push them back, block them out, but it seems I am only burying them, not dealing with them. There most definitely be love, that's for sure, because without it, all the pain and the tough times would hardly be worth it. I also notice you haven't mentioned trust, and in particular rebuilding it. That aspect is just as large a concern to me. This is an interesting thread and great responses! WN, it also kind of bothers me that your MC is telling you that you should block images of the affair from you mind. It seems like you are being told to "just get over it already." IMO, it takes a special kind of MC to really do a good job at helping a couple through infidelity--almost like the therapist needed to have experienced infidelity themselves--in order to be effective. WN, I find your story here interesting and relevant. I wish you the best of luck in your reconciliation. I think if you and your wife really love each other, anything is possible.
Snowflower Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I've got to admit that I didn't even attempt to block out images. I actually forced myself to think the very worst things until my brain simply rebelled and quit on its own. I don't know that I recommend that course of action. It worked for me, but it's terribly painful. Yes, that is what I did as well. And I know what I imagined was a lot worse than what actually happened. For some reason, this helped me through the painful process. It was like I had to desensitize myself to it. I agree that it is not for everyone and I wouldn't recommend it for everyone. Great thread, Silk.
misternoname Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I think it can BUT (big but) not if the cheater is a repeat offender. I finally gave up after my ex's 4th affair. Each time she would get caught, plead forgiveness, swear it would never happen again, blah blah blah. Shame on me for being such a fool
What_Next Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 WN, I find your story here interesting and relevant. I wish you the best of luck in your reconciliation. I think if you and your wife really love each other, anything is possible. Thank you so very much. I'm not sure that our MC is telling me (or for that matter my wife) to "get over it", as much as she is trying to help us move forward without being constantly dragged backward by the imagery. Not sure I care for her approach. Like I had said I have little to no faith in MC anyway and it's doubtful I'll return. We do love each other, there's no question of that in my mind. That is at least an absolute for me. I also 100% agree that this is a VERY interesting thread. Jlola, well it's kind of hard since most affairs beyond a ONS often involve the emotional aspect. ILY's will often be tossed about like candy when in all reality they are but infatuations. The AP's will think they've found "their soulmates" and other bovine excrement. The feelings aren't real. The length and cirmcumstance of the affair I believe have an impact on the ability of the marriage to recover as well. I have read of partners discovering a long term affair, over years. I know I could not (well I cannot be positive of course) recover from this. Or perhaps I would not be willing to try. I agree that IMHO the old marriage is dead after an affair. In fact I remember vividly saying to our MC that I "did not want to recover our marriage, I wanted to build a brand new one out of the ashes of the old" and to my mind that's not splitting hairs
ver13 Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 All things are possible under the sun if both people truly want to make it work IMO. Of course they will have to go places inside themselves and the relationship that they have never willingly wanted to explore, but it can be done if their hearts are in it. I mean what do people expect from one another in the first place? When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror I see someone that only I truly know and to tell you the truth sometimes he has surprised the H**L out of me. I mean we have different faces for the different folks that we meet along the way in our daily travels on this planet. So it stands to reason that we all have multipule interactions that the ones we live with will never truly understand what we are doing even dealing with some of these folks in the first place. The thing is we are all complicated beings that need a lot of work and should one of you fall down doe's the other one stand next to them and offer a hand up? If you love them you do and if they love you back they thank you for being there when they needed someone the most. An they realize that they can't walk around without paying attention because they might slip into something that smell's like S**T and get it all over them and you won't be there to help them up again. Not because you don't love them anymore, but because they got their last pair of clean pants dirty an you don't have any left to fit them.
Author silktricks Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 no, not truly Unless ones idea of truly recovered involves triggers and thoughts of the betrayal til the day they die. You are projecting, and you truly have no idea because you chose to not attempt recovery. So you state as a fact an assumption that you made. What you state is undoubtedly true for some people. It is not true for all. It is not true for me.
OWoman Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 All things are possible under the sun if both people truly want to make it work IMO. Of course they will have to go places inside themselves and the relationship that they have never willingly wanted to explore, but it can be done if their hearts are in it. This I agree with.
thomasb Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You are projecting, and you truly have no idea because you chose to not attempt recovery. So you state as a fact an assumption that you made. What you state is undoubtedly true for some people. It is not true for all. It is not true for me. I can attest that this certainly is not true as you say. My marriage has never been stronger or more loving. we have been together 17yrs in Sept. and the affair happened clear back in the 4th year. My issues led to my affair. It most certainly was a blessing that my dear wife chose to recover and build a new marriage along side me. Statistically, most marriages recover and thrive after an affair. I realize a lot of OP's do not wish to acknowledge that fact but it is the truth.
Silly_Girl Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I can attest that this certainly is not true as you say. My marriage has never been stronger or more loving. we have been together 17yrs in Sept. and the affair happened clear back in the 4th year. My issues led to my affair. It most certainly was a blessing that my dear wife chose to recover and build a new marriage along side me. Statistically, most marriages recover and thrive after an affair. I realize a lot of OP's do not wish to acknowledge that fact but it is the truth. If most marriages fail (which I read a lot on LS) then having an affair is a good move? Because your chances of staying together and being happy increase?
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 You are projecting, and you truly have no idea because you chose to not attempt recovery. So you state as a fact an assumption that you made. What you state is undoubtedly true for some people. It is not true for all. It is not true for me. I think you're the one projecting. This is a public board and he has a right to express himself. Just because you accept your WH doesn't make you holy and above everyone else, especially when your view of reconciliation is an assumption in itself.
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Statistically, most marriages recover and thrive after an affair. Most marriages do not recover nor thrive after affairs, and like all statistics, they're false.
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 If most marriages fail (which I read a lot on LS) then having an affair is a good move? Because your chances of staying together and being happy increase? Having an affair is not a good move. The chances of even staying is low. Some folks who say they're happy with their cheating spouse are in denial.
Author silktricks Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 I think you're the one projecting. This is a public board and he has a right to express himself. Just because you accept your WH doesn't make you holy and above everyone else, especially when your view of reconciliation is an assumption in itself. Huh???? I've never said he had no right to express himself, and have never thought of myself as above anyone and certainly not holy . But my views of reconciliation are based upon my own life and are not an assumption . This is what worked for me/us. It won't for everyone.
Author silktricks Posted March 10, 2011 Author Posted March 10, 2011 If most marriages fail (which I read a lot on LS) then having an affair is a good move? Because your chances of staying together and being happy increase? :lmao: :lmao:
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