sofiasofia Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Hi, Hopefully someone could give me their thoughts on my situation... My partner (been together for 11 years - 2 children) had an affair with another woman for 6 months (started as an EA and progressed in to an PA). He intended on leaving me for this woman, but after me forcing him to realise the consequences this would have, he left her. Us getting back together was not on the cards though. Two months down the line he asked if I wanted us to get back together, and we decided to try again. He did say that he was unsure if he had romantic feelings for me though, but he wanted to see if they would come back. We did try, we were nice to each other, we were kissing and having sex, and it felt good. But he felt that something was missing - he was confused etc. He gave me a lot of mixed messages. He said things felt good and right, the next day he was unsure- was his feelings strong enough?, and another day he felt that he didn't have romantic feelings but that he did feel a lot of love for me. I have asked if he is missing the OW, but he says he doesn't think about her- he just wants to forget it happened. But at the time when he was involved with her, he did feel madly in love with her (now he says it was just infatuation- and not real love). He says he wants nothing more than to get back the feelings he had for me. Now we are in a situation where I have said that I'm not willing to work on the relationship if he is not willing to give it 100%. And unfortunately he can't. Could he still have feelings for this OW that holds him back? And if so, what's the best way to deal with this? Has anyone been in this situation? Any suggestions or advise?
WorldIsYours Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Hi, Hopefully someone could give me their thoughts on my situation... My partner (been together for 11 years - 2 children) had an affair with another woman for 6 months (started as an EA and progressed in to an PA). He intended on leaving me for this woman, but after me forcing him to realise the consequences this would have, he left her. Us getting back together was not on the cards though. Two months down the line he asked if I wanted us to get back together, and we decided to try again. He did say that he was unsure if he had romantic feelings for me though, but he wanted to see if they would come back. We did try, we were nice to each other, we were kissing and having sex, and it felt good. But he felt that something was missing - he was confused etc. He gave me a lot of mixed messages. He said things felt good and right, the next day he was unsure- was his feelings strong enough?, and another day he felt that he didn't have romantic feelings but that he did feel a lot of love for me. I have asked if he is missing the OW, but he says he doesn't think about her- he just wants to forget it happened. But at the time when he was involved with her, he did feel madly in love with her (now he says it was just infatuation- and not real love). He says he wants nothing more than to get back the feelings he had for me. Now we are in a situation where I have said that I'm not willing to work on the relationship if he is not willing to give it 100%. And unfortunately he can't. Could he still have feelings for this OW that holds him back? And if so, what's the best way to deal with this? Has anyone been in this situation? Any suggestions or advise? Leave this man and don't look back. He was ready to leave his own wife that he vowed to love forever, for another person he cheated on you with. That's all you need right there that should tell you to drop him.
Silly_Girl Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Hi, Hopefully someone could give me their thoughts on my situation... My partner (been together for 11 years - 2 children) had an affair with another woman for 6 months (started as an EA and progressed in to an PA). He intended on leaving me for this woman, but after me forcing him to realise the consequences this would have, he left her. Us getting back together was not on the cards though. Two months down the line he asked if I wanted us to get back together, and we decided to try again. He did say that he was unsure if he had romantic feelings for me though, but he wanted to see if they would come back. We did try, we were nice to each other, we were kissing and having sex, and it felt good. But he felt that something was missing - he was confused etc. He gave me a lot of mixed messages. He said things felt good and right, the next day he was unsure- was his feelings strong enough?, and another day he felt that he didn't have romantic feelings but that he did feel a lot of love for me. I have asked if he is missing the OW, but he says he doesn't think about her- he just wants to forget it happened. But at the time when he was involved with her, he did feel madly in love with her (now he says it was just infatuation- and not real love). He says he wants nothing more than to get back the feelings he had for me. Now we are in a situation where I have said that I'm not willing to work on the relationship if he is not willing to give it 100%. And unfortunately he can't. Could he still have feelings for this OW that holds him back? And if so, what's the best way to deal with this? Has anyone been in this situation? Any suggestions or advise? I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds confusing. The thing is, I wonder if you are looking to blame the existence of the OW for the fact you are not seeing what you would wish from your husband. Perhaps things had already changed for him prior to the OW - perhaps that's how come he even was prepared to liaise with an OW. It's possible he really doesn't care for her, and she is only a memory now, but that doesn't mean he automatically feels the old feelings for you surge back. Or you might be right, perhaps he's carrrying around longing for his OW. I can't imagine he would ever discuss that with you. If that's the case, are you happy to keep trying? Do you have a strong foundation you think can be re-built? Have you sought counselling together? Someone specifically trained to deal with people in your position? Who can understand both viewpoints? I wish you lots of luck.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Affairs are very addictive and the drama, the secretacy, the feelings are intense. It could be he just misses the feelings that she brought out in him. Believe him when he tells you he isn't inlove with her and it was infactuation. If he truly was in love with her and wanted to be with her, nothing you could have said or done would have stopped him. He wouldn't have ended the A and come back to you. He needs individual counselling to sort himself out. He's broken inside. You should go on your own as well. Together though, you should do marriage counselling. Use the same person for both.
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