timmytucker Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 I'm currently dating a girl who happens to be my best friend. Let's name her Dorthy. I lost my virginity to her when I was 21. After that affair happened she got back with her boyfriend. During that period of time I had had one one night stand, and a short lived fling that lasted like 2 weeks and consisted of me having sex with a girl 3 or 4 times. Both experiences were pretty unexciting. My girlfriend has had much more experience than me (like 13 other guys). Being an attractive outgoing female, it was definitely easier for her to get sex than a softer spoken gentleman (heh) like myself. After her and her boyfriend broke up, I went for her again. I wasn't looking for a relationship, and being naive about sex, I thought we could just have sex and stay friends and all would be merry. But after a while (obv) we both grew attached to each other and began to date exclusively. I love her very much. She's unlike any girl I've ever met. She's ****ing insane, but it complements my own insanity. I'm a bit of a strange person, and she's one of the only people I've ever met who completely ****ing gets it. It's why we became friends in the first place. I had always liked her, but was too shy to really hit on her initially. Once we became better friends, she was involved with other things. We are quite different in a lot of ways. I'm more reserved and laid back, and she's more outgoing and loud. Sometimes we butt heads because of this. Often times I feel like we lack enough similar interests too. But at this one level, me and her get each other. We trust each other, and provide each other with a lot of support and care. I can be completely open with myself around her. And we have a fantastic sexual relationship. But I tend to think, what more is there out there? I kind of want to have sexual experiences with other women. I want to see how other women are in the sack and explore more. Plus, I wonder, maybe I only fell in love with my girlfriend because she was the only girl I ever had a sexual relationship with? I feel like I'll never know if this is true or not unless I experience other women. What if there's a better woman out there for me? Plus, my girlfriends experience is sort of...um intimidating to me? I don't know exactly why, but I'm just not comfortable with it. I mean, I'm understanding and forgiving. She was once a young immature girl who had a high sex drive and had opportunities to get laid-- I would have done the same things. But I'm sort of uncomfortable knowing that she has had sex with a lot of other guys, yet I'm practically her one and only. "Retroactive jealousy" I've heard it called, but I'm not really jealous of the other guys. Maybe I'm jealous that why I was whacking my dick she was out getting her pussy pounded and wish I could have done the same thing... I haven't quite put my finger on it, but no matter what it is, it bothers me... and I feel like I want to experience more myself. Perhaps I wouldn't feel this way if she had limited experience like myself? Yet, we have such a fantastic relationship with each other. She's my beautiful sexy best friend who lets me own her body and gives me all the love and care I could ask for. A girl who's down to earth and laid back. We bust each others balls and tease each other all day long. She's a great companion, despite us being very different people. I feel like if I dump her, I might deeply regret it. Any insight?
Fondue Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 Although it may be immoral (and yah, probably is), if you really want to experience more women, then go out and have sex with said women. Just don't let your girlfriend find out. Don't be awkard. Don't let it slip. Everything should remain silent. If you honestly can convince yourself it is acceptable and you will not feel any regret or have the inclination to tell your gf afterwards, then go out and have sex with women. It's all up to you though.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 10, 2011 Posted March 10, 2011 But I tend to think, what more is there out there? I kind of want to have sexual experiences with other women. I want to see how other women are in the sack and explore more. Plus, I wonder, maybe I only fell in love with my girlfriend because she was the only girl I ever had a sexual relationship with? I feel like I'll never know if this is true or not unless I experience other women. What if there's a better woman out there for me? Plus, my girlfriends experience is sort of...um intimidating to me? I don't know exactly why, but I'm just not comfortable with it. 13 guys? What is she 40? Seriously... she sounds skanky and I think you should distance yourself from her a bit to get more emotional clarity. Just because she puts out doesn't mean she deserves your love. I do not suggest that you cheat. That isn't fair to either of you. Just spend some time developing female friendships. Do not marry this girl unless you have more experience. Sorry I couldn't be more help. If it were me... I would break up with her.
Author timmytucker Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) I'd never cheat on her. Wouldn't feel right doing so. Would never! And yeah, she's 22. And 13 dudes. It does bother me, but at the same time I understand.... it's hard to be a girl in this day and age when there's so many mixed messages going on. Especially in a college environment where there's so much casual sex going on... She was just a young stupid girl with a high sex drive. There was much oppertunity for her to get laid, and she went for it. It was with guys she was friends with and she never had a one night stand or anything. She said she thought its how relationships were formed, you'd meet a guy, become friends, start hooking up, then date. She didn't know any better. If I were her and had as much oppertunity at sex with people I was attracted to, I probably would have did it too. She realizes now that she acted foolishly. I've known her for years and she's much more mature now. And I'm not just loving her because she puts out. I loved her before, she's my best friend. Edited March 11, 2011 by timmytucker
Eeyore79 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) I think in the long run you'll regret it if you walk away from someone you truly love, someone who's your best friend, just so you can stick your dick in other girls. You'll very quickly find out that no-strings-attached sex is crap, and it's much better when you love and connect with the other person - only the person you used to love and connect with is long gone. Her previous sexual experience was probably crap, as were your sexual experiences with other women who you didn't love - you've both been lucky to find someone who you fit with. Real love is rare, and I wouldn't give up love just to have an orgasm in a different hole. I guess if it matters to you that much, you should dump her and sleep around, but I personally think you're an idiot if you do. Edited March 11, 2011 by Eeyore79
Author timmytucker Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 I just feel so mixed up. On one hand we get along great. On the other hand, I wonder, can I meet someone who I'm more compatible with? although me and her are best friends, we really are different in a lot of aspects. Different interests and personalities and spiritual belliefs.... Can I find someone with more common interests and passions as me? Sometimes I feel like maybe this ISN'T love and I only want to be with her because she is my first. I mean, I know for certain I love her... in the sense that I care about her and her existance means a lot to me... but is that the same with being IN LOVE? One of my close friends said to me "dude if you are questioning it, what does that tell you?" I'm just so confused.
Eeyore79 Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 On one hand we get along great. On the other hand, I wonder, can I meet someone who I'm more compatible with? You can always imagine the possibility of finding something better, and you can keep looking forever, while the clock keeps ticking. You can let someone go in the hope of finding someone better, and then regret it for the rest of your life because you never meet anyone else who's as wonderful. Why can't people be satisfied with the great things they already have instead of always being greedy for more? One of my close friends said to me "dude if you are questioning it, what does that tell you?" It tells you that you're confused, and are frankly being a little immature. Maybe you're too young to realize how rare genuine love is, and you obviously have no idea how lucky you are to find someone you love who loves you back. As I said before, if orgasming in different holes is that important to you then dump her; I think you'll probably live to regret it, but you have to decide for yourself.
Author timmytucker Posted March 11, 2011 Author Posted March 11, 2011 I definitely am immature. I realize that I am this way. But how am I ever going to mature? I feel like she can fully appreciate what we have becuse she has a lot to compare it to, when I only really have her.
iJester Posted March 11, 2011 Posted March 11, 2011 You don't need to compare it to anything. It depends on how she makes you feel, and to me it sounds like she's everything a guy would want. While I guess 13 is a bit high of a number for the people on here, I don't think it means she's a skank or incapable of a loving/longterm relationship. I'm 25 and have slept with about 25 women give or take a couple, and I know how to be serious about a girl I really like. It just have a really high sex drive and need some fillers in between the keepers. If you're happy with her, then there's no need to drop her for what "could be" or whatever lame **** you're thinking.
washguy74 Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 I think men would much rather be the 'dirty' one, while the woman is the 'clean' one. If you'd experienced 30 partners by now, instead of 3, your frame or reference would probably be quite different. At 100, I know you'd feel differently. Learn to NEVER ask a woman about how many partners she's had. Since she was your first, I can understand why you did I guess, but details can only hurt. In a similar thread you wrote: "She assures me that she has never had a relationship, physical and emotional, with such a sense of closeness and openness. she assures me that she's never felt an intimacy so deep. And I believe her when she tells me those things. We are best friends; I saw her past relationships, and they were very unhealthy, for the most part. We click." Awesome that she's giving you that. Believe it, revel in it, roll around in it. At some point you will have f*cked her the most too. Focus on that, that she's given herself to you more than anyone else. Consider: the foundation of your relationship now is giving you the courage to think about other women. Without that foundation, you'll have a whole set of other needs to get met. So with the foundation, you are just thinking about finding other women to screw. Without it, you'll be looking for someone to date and love as well. Kind of a dangerous game, getting rid of a keeper. It's why people cheat, so they can have both.
Kelemort Posted April 27, 2011 Posted April 27, 2011 This has been an issue in my relationship as well, although it differs because my boyfriend brought his past sexual relationship into our present. It was a very painful situation and we are still not entirely through it, 2 1/2 years into our relationship. He finally stopped talking to her 6 months ago after 2 years of battling, arguments, insecurity and anger. After everything he had done, I had decided it was either time for him to put her out to pasture or I was definitely and totally moving on. Life is far, far, far too short to play second fiddle or to hang around somebody who can't just let go of the past. I've thought about cheating. There is that part of me, like you, that longs for sexual retribution - just not to be so emotionally and sexually vulnerable to this person, to experience the things they've had the chance to experience. I've often wondered what it would be like to be with another man. And then I imagine this fantasy becoming a reality. In the fantasy, we're stripping down to our skivvies, getting all excited, mish mashing like you wouldn't believe. In the reality? I'm laying in that bed with a near-stranger, thinking about my boyfriend, feeling guilty, feeling unimaginably pained that I've done this to him and feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I know myself; I can imagine what I'd be feeling in those circumstances. Relationships are always a give-and-take. You don't get everything you want in this life, unfortunately. My list included "a virgin" back before I started dating my boyfriend too. It wasn't until AFTER I made myself sexually vulnerable and all of that ex crap continued that it really got to me. I used to obsess over this every single day. I used to cry all of the time. And then I decided not to be a vegetable, impaired by the thought of him sleeping with his ex-girlfriend anymore. Start fighting your RJ by getting involved in your own life; exercising, joining a charity, volunteering, getting a new/different job, starting a club, etc. Don't get me wrong - those thoughts still come to me. I still think about cheating. But for the rest of my life I will encounter other people who have been in similar situations. What if my next boyfriend is a guy who has slept with 5 women? 10? 300? I wouldn't ask for these details - but what if I found out? The fact is you can leave your girlfriend, you can cheat and get more experience, but that's all in the short term. Once you're done orgasming, you're likely alone again. You might meet another fantastic girl - but maybe it'll take you years. Maybe you'll never meet one. And in the rearview mirror you'll just be thinking about the one you allowed to get away. And what do you get out of sleeping with other girls anyway? Variety? It's true that experience will matter...but who cares if you're sleeping with one girl, in love with her, and you're able to please HER? If you're an expert in the one you're with, it doesn't matter knowing how to please a wide variety of other girls. You can get all the experience you need with the one you're with. It's unfortunate in our culture that we encourage young men to sleep with as many women as possible, and pressure them with all of this about "experience." To that point that even when they fall in love and they're happy, they find themselves eager to know what else is out there, risking their long-term happiness. You're connecting a lot of your self-esteem and ability to who you've slept with. The difference between you and a lot of people who have slept with far many more partners is that you likely just didn't meet the right people to make it happen - or you weren't the person to make it happen. I probably could've slept with a half-dozen by now if I wanted to. But...I didn't want to, so I didn't. The fact that you had fewer partners doesn't make you less of a person. And the fact that she's had more doesn't make her less of a person, either - although past values can affect a relationship. Differences in values in sexual relationships can cause a lot of problems. I prefer to wait into the year/years mark of an exclusive relationship before I have sex. It wasn't until later on in my relationship with my boyfriend that I learned he had pulled his pants off for his ex basically as soon as he met her/started dating her. If I had known that, it probably would've colored our relationship in an entirely different way. I may not have dated him. And everybody has their right to choose what they will or won't accept in a sexual partner, including their past history. But otherwise, you seem to really be in love with this woman and this is the only thing that's bothering you. Try to work on this. I hope that some of the things I said will help. You also might want to check out these books: "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures" as well as "If this is love, why do I feel so insecure?" The former especially was a GREAT help to me that helped me start moving on with my own life. Best of luck.
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